SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Horrible, sapping, unhealthy need for karma.

I am three weeks or so from DDay. We are now separated. Full 180 and no contact other than kids/finances. she is still seeing him and is glassy eyed with happiness. she is making my skin crawl, but i still want her back she is still fucking him. still sitting on the fence, giving me no information at all about our or their future. stonewalling but dropping in now and then how they are still very much an item. married 9 years. two beautiful small children. agony. i was a good dad, a good husband. we had everything. she even admitted so over the years. just a happy little family.

I am still in a very bad space. Feels like someone I love has died. And died young. Awful.

I think I am in the anger stage, lol – here’s some of my recent, repetative google searches:

Why affairs always fail

Why the cheater will always suffer in an affair

Why people affair down and the consequences

Do cheaters feel pain after the fog has lifted

How can I get over this horrible, grinding never ending feeling of wanting her and him to suffer?

i am up until way past bed time scanning this shit

[This message edited by puffstuff at 5:13 AM, July 5th (Friday)]

Everything you are feeling and doing is normal.

Have you seen an attorney? She is still in her affair, (on the fence?). Why does she get to choose? Why don't you choose to get out of infidelity? You have just as much right to choose the direction of your life as she does to choose hers.

I recommend filing for divorce. You can always stop the process if she pulls her head out of her ass. Right now she is choosing him. How about you choose you and your kids?

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 6:16 AM, July 5th (Friday)]

Yes, very much started the process, even if there is an element of "calling bluff." i cannot cope with this much longer and will not sit and wait it out.

Is it unusual to be thinking about it ALL the time at week 3? i feel like i have lost control of my thinking in some way. Just going over and over, all backed with the most horrendous sense of loss and pain.

how the fuck can they live with themselves?

I’m sorry you had to join this club if infidelity. Please know we are here to support you however possible. Keep posting on this thread - it makes it easier to track all your conversations.

First off at three weeks from DDay you are doing ok. We all felt out of control and lived fir the moment the cheater realizes the “error of their ways” and returns to the marriage.

In some cases it happens - a month or two or more - but the marriage survives. The cheater realizes the mistakes made and the marriage is reconciled.

I don’t want to predict your outcome. No one can. BUT how you act now can help your future.

As you are separated and no contact - that’s pretty quick for three weeks. Did she just walk in one day and drop the bombshell she’s leaving - and by the way there is another guy? Or were there problems that are being addressed prior to this? Is this her first affair (just asking for background not trying to insult her or be mean)?

🚩🚩🚩 Having small children exposed to a random strange guy. I don’t like this at all. What do you (or her) know about this guy??

Do you have an attorney? Do you have a custody agreement? If not get one. ASAP. Right now she can take the children and move far away to another state and you cannot stop it.

Make sure you eat well (as best you can) and drink water and healthy beverages if possible. I lost weight I could not afford to lose. So it is important to be sure to focus on staying healthy as best you can.

Do you have a support team or counselor for you? Get one. It can help you keep your sanity. I had a great therapist who was wonderful. Get someone who is skilled and experienced in infidelity (not everyone is).

I’m sorry your wife is acting like a typical cheater. Stonewalling you. Cheating. Lying. It is awful. But you need to assert yourself regarding your children. You should have 50-50 custody at a minimum.

Read up on the “pick me dance” in the Healing Library (upper left corner) near the Dr Phil photo. Do not do it. It doesn’t work. While you think you are being loving and supportive - the cheater views it as weak and clingy and annoying unfortunately.

Please keep posting here. You will get much advice. Some you may not agree with but it is based on our own experience.

Completely NORMAL to be doing this . It is a complete 180 from what YOU were living...so your mind is reeling...trying to understand this reality...and searching for answers. There really isn't one...who can make sense out of nonsense? Please don't worry though...do what YOU need to do in order to HEAL...even if that means more searching.

You have been given GREAT advice...and you will get more. Just take what you need...and leave the rest . ALL of us react differently...and what works for some may not work for others. There is no right or wrong way to heal...but I can promise you that you WILL . When you do...you won't be looking for that Karma Bus anymore...which will probably be about the time it arrives !!!

Regarding your google searches for karma bus and affairs that last.

Statistically most Affairs don’t last. If they do - the foundation was built on lies and cheating so the likelihood of cheating occurring in the new relationship or marriage is fairly high.

An affair is like Fantasyland. It’s not living in reality. Example. Yiu first get married and cooking is fun to do together. Two years later you don’t do it as often together. Add kids and time and you just want someone to put the food in front of you so you can eat. It’s called the real world.

So please know one day reality will set in.

My H (typical mid life crisis Affair) came home and told me about his affair but downplayed it. Two weeks later he wants a D to be with the OW (20 years younger and no kids). We enter into a six month period of false reconciliation (I think we are happy and reconciled but he’s still secretly cheating).

Finally I have enough. Six months I saved enough $ to survive a year (with kids). I tell him on dday2 “I’m divorcing you” because I have nothing left. Suddenly he’s begging me to reconsider. He’s realized the mistake he made blah blah blah.

Point is he finally came to his senses. Nothing I could do or say could change his mind or get him to see we had a chance to reconcile. He was too busy putting the OW first. Not me or kids. But his own selfish needs and desires.

We survived his affair and happily reconciled. But he had to get a reality check. I asked him once if he thought she (OW) would accept the fact that he was always late with no phone call. Ever. Nothing I said or did in 25 years of marriage could change that pattern. He’d say “be home at 11pm” and walk in at 2 am “sorry I’m late”. No phone call. Nothing.

He said he didn’t think she would accept it. I asked him if he was going to change that pattern just for her. And the light bulb finally went on. He saw how disrespectful it was. And he finally stopped doing it. Complete accountability now.

Just an example of how delusional he was.

He also thought ALL his friends would accept a much younger girl covered in tattoos with lots of drama drama drama. He used the line “if I love you my friends will love you” Hahahaha because he now admits his friend’s wives would never accept her. Delusional.

Hang in there. Have patience. Low chance of success in this new relationship. Doesn’t mean she will reconcile. It may be too late if she makes that decision anyway. But just know she is living in Fantasyland right now.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 7:00 AM, July 5th (Friday)]

here's my full story. i am changing bits to be not identifiable, i have a feeling she haunts here..

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=638924&HL=70814

yeah i am seeking legal advice and will be filling. but in my own time. i hope this is all resolved one way or another within 3-6 months for example.

she is still seeing him, still inviting him into my home with my kids there.

i will be doing a criminal check on him tomorrow. he is a fat, illiterate mechanic, she is an educated scientist - FFS!

she has shown little to no remorse. our whole interaction a week after d day was so intense i think we were just spewing (away from the kids) all kinds of delusions. so i really dont know where she is at. she knows i am moving toward divorce though.

the thing is, one hour i want her back, the next hour i never want to see her lipsticked (she never used to wear this), pencil skirt wearing (she never used to wear this) face again.

i am so hurt. he is taller than me. probably a bigger u know what. i just feel totally violated. i just feel like a little pathetic mouse pushed around my some evil cold cat.

she smirked when she told me the details.

we had intimacy problems since our 3 year old was born. but we were still happy. there was so much joy and peace in that house, even with two kids. it was a lovely place to come home too. both admitted this. we gave each other space when we needed it. no control. no abuse. i was working on teh sex problems. i built a lovely muscular body in hope of attracting her. i read books on how to put the fire back. i didnt tell her these things. i knew it was hte elephant in the room. she never ONCE tried to work on our absent sex life. and then one day, whilst doing the washing up, she comes up and casually tells me that she has been seeing a guy for two dates and they have "got intimate" but no sex but "they have feelings for each other" and they both want to see each other more. my world fell in. i didnt know up from down. i still dont. i just want the pain to stop. the police were called ont eh last night of that horrible week after dDay. they were called because i was very disturbing to be around - again, no abuse, no threats, but i was wild eyed and pacing and shouting at her to give me more details because i thought she was holding back. the police did not file a report. they did not take sides but asked that one of us should leave for the night. i offered myself up and i havent been back since.

she had been changing appearance, buying the sexiest underware, for weeks before dDay and she admitted with a grin that "yes it was all for him".

is this what being raped feels like?

thank you for listening.

[This message edited by puffstuff at 7:54 AM, July 5th (Friday)]

when i wake up in the morning, the moment i open my eyes, the churn and terror starts. and it just goes on and on. i can distract a little. i am, i think, working through it in a healthy way, but it's just constant.

i htink i might see the doctor about anti depressants.

This is very much like how it affected me also...

It was so unfair, to a responsible spouse..

your life was changed without you having any say...or control...I am not a controlling person...but when everything you knew, evrtything you wanted, loved and planned in good faith, is just ripped apart, you feel out of control...

the injustice of it all...the happy, younger , pretty AP, and the joy and excitement they were feeling...the rejection I felt ....

It was a hard lesson to learn.. you did nothing to cause this...this is their issues...this is their choices...this is their consequences...this is all them...sometimes, the people we love, hurt us. it can be simple...

It is an injustice...to you and the children...I had to learn to accept it...I cant change it...and I learned from it....it could not be undone. focus everything on your legal safety...do not trust there either...and focus on your healing....read read read.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 8:06 AM, July 5th (Friday)]

three outcomes -

R

Divorce - but he is out of the picture

Divorce - he is still in the picture.

my daily meditation, my daily movement, is toward acceptance of all three possibilities. but i lurch between acceptance and horror, peace and pain.

i keep asking myself, do i even WANT her back - and pondering that i find some peace, i guess because i start to realise that all i would be losing is someone who feels it okay to destroy people.

god help our poor children

asked that one of us should leave for the night. i offered myself up and i havent been back since.

You need to do something about this legally asap! This can be considered abandonment in the eyes of the court. Ypu also need to find out if you can do anything to keep the OM away from your home and children.

I am going to tell you a particularly disturbing, true story to push my point of how serious this is. One time when my H's unit was deployed, I got a call from one of the other wives asking if I could take her 4 children, 3 of whom were adopted to be saved from a drug addled, neglectful mother, in. She had been arrested. She was a respected member of the unit families. She had an official job with the unit as the unit/family liaison. I agreed and became an emergency foster care parent for her children until her H could return home from Afghanistan.

Turned out the mother had been arrested for child sexual abuse. She had found herself a boyfriend during one of her H's earlier deployments. This OM worked his way into her family to gain access to her children.

First, he convinced her to take provocative photos of the kids. Eventually, he convinced her to perform sexual acts with her own children and live stream them to him. I don't know if he ever directly abused the children, but I wouldn't be surprised. He had access. He was married with children of his won. They got caught because the older daughter showed her babysitter the toys she used with mommy.

I had to take the children to physical examinations for sexual abuse. They wanted me in the room with them while they were being examined. I was also instructed to not react emotionally to anything the children told me. It was heartbreaking. I felt so disingenuous when I couldn't react to the older boy telling me how his mother would burn him with matches.

Both of those POS are serving time in federal prison since they used the internet to distribute child pornography. But, the damage was done.

So, you need to act quickly and decisively to keep this man away from your children.

Hey there, puffstuff. Welcome to SI.

If you haven't yet done so, take some time and read through "The Healing Library," particularly the "Articles" section.

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/articles.asp

For most people, the betrayal of infidelity is a severe emotional and psychological trauma. Let that sink in, brother, because right now, your WW is continuing to inflict this trauma. In all likelihood, she will continue to do so for the foreseeable future. As divorce seems likely and given your WW's current attitude and mindset, things are apt to get a lot worse before they start to get any better.

The quicker you can find your way OUT of this shitty situation the quick you're going to recover and begin to heal.

Feels like someone I love has died.

In a sense, this is true. I felt the same way. I think most, if not all, betrayed spouses would agree. The person you believed her to be and the person she wanted you to see were both illusions. Now, she's betrayed her true nature and it's deeply, deeply disturbing, I'm sure. I once told my FWW that I thought she was the most insensitive asshole in the known Universe. I wasn't kidding, either. She turned into a monster.

I know you're in a world of hurt, man. We all get that, you know? So, when we say that you've got to pull yourself together and start fighting for your future and the future of your kids, it's because we know just how devastating this can be if you can't find that strength within you.

Take care of yourself, puffstuff. Drink lots of water. Your body's going to be in over-drive for a while. Try to eat healthy foods. "Hit the gym." I know it's a cliché, but the endorphins and hormones really do help. Focus on you, your recovery and healing. Detach from your WW. Print out a copy of "Understanding the 180" and read it often.

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/understanding-the-180.asp

In the "I Can Relate" Forum is a thread dedicated to helping those whose WSs leave for their APs.

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=617459

Horrible, sapping, unhealthy need for karma.

Oh, yes. I've had my karmic retribution fantasies. Personally, I think they can be therapeutic, so long as it doesn't become an obsession. Unfortunately, when it comes to infidelity, there's no justice.

Keep on posting.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 9:07 AM, July 5th (Friday)]

puffstuff:

Sorry you are here. Your WW is a typical cheater and has treated you very cruelly. Quite frankly she has shown you no respect and she is actively trying to hurt you. Do not wait for the karma bus to hot them. Do not wait 3-6 months. You need to take strong action to protect your children now. You have ever6 right to be in your own home. See your attorney about a getting an order to keep him away from your children. You are the stable parent and need to protect them. You have a right to 50/50 custody. If your WW wants to be with her AP she can leave your home. Do not sit back and do nothing. I know it hurts that your M is over without you having acsay. It’s unfair. But please do not wallow in despair. Take action.

[This message edited by fareast at 10:16 AM, July 5th (Friday)]

Puffstuff, absolutely see your doctor for antidepressants if you feel you need them. I started Zoloft 3 months post DDay as I could barely get out of bed much less function once I was out of bed. I stayed on Zoloft for 18 months until I felt strong enough to wean.

Also, it was one full year before I could go 10 minutes without thinking about his infidelity. It consumed my every waking moment and also my dreams. it was the worst obsessive torture I've ever experienced. But when that 10 minutes happened, it felt like euphoria. As time went on, those few minutes came more often and lasted longer. Eventually you will get an hour or two where you don't think about it. Then several hours, and so on.

Regardless of what you choose (unless it's R

with an unremorse wife), Life will get better with time. I didn't think it was possible for me, but at almost 4 years out it absolutely has gotten better. In fact I'm a better human being than I was before I met him.

Keep posting. Make sure you are eating and exercising. This is trauma and you must be mindful of your physical health. Sleep as much as you can, even though we know it is difficult.

It's good advice for you to get control of this situation and not let her and her lizard-boy control your life and family.

Take heed to advice quickly.

Don't wait!

Is it unusual to be thinking about it ALL the time at week 3?

Absolutely. It may possibly go on like that for months. Your brain is trying to process the trauma and come to grips with your perception of reality vs your new reality.

Be gentle with yourself. It won’t feel this way forever...

Hey Puff

Has their affair been exposed to family and friends? Do they all know what she is doing? What are family and friends doing/saying? Are they shocked or are they actually happy for her? Do they support you or her?

I wish you continued strength.

The compulsive Googling about infidelity is hard to break. I did it for months. And months. I stopped missing her only after a few months (her cold, combative, narcissistic bitch of a demeanor certainly helped me to get over her), but I was still dealing with the nonstop loneliness, uncertainty about my future, the self esteem blow that being discarded gave me. You won't just one day stop reading about this shit, instead you'll gradually do it less and less until you're too busy with life to even care about it. Could take months.

when i wake up in the morning, the moment i open my eyes, the churn and terror starts. and it just goes on and on. i can distract a little. i am, i think, working through it in a healthy way, but it's just constant.

Oh buddy, do I remember that feeling. I wouldn't go to sleep, I'd pass out from exhaustion, then after a few hours I'd shoot right up out of bed already in an anxious panic and wouldn't be able to shake that feeling for hours. My particular circumstances were I was unemployed, she stockpiled all of our money in her own little hidden account, and I was hours away from any kind of support structure. I was freaking out inside on a daily basis. Exercise, distractions, talking to people. Those are the big 3 that helped me to get through the really harsh times. I also developed a really bad chainsmoking habit that first month.

My best advice to get past the worst of it, other than just waiting it out (time is our greatest ally in this, I'm sure others have told you already), you've got to start detaching yourself emotionally from this woman. The phrase "I still want her back" shouldn't be in your vocabulary. It feels like fucking hell now, but you've got one of the best opportunities here: a future without a shitty cheater. Not so many of us get discarded so concretely for the AP, and it does feel like abject hell when it happens, but in the long run, you're looking at total freedom from this disordered individual. Don't fall into the "stay together for the kids" trap. I'm a child of divorce and I vividly remember how unhappy that household was due to my dad's similar piece of shit behavior. You're staring at a brighter, shinier future where you're not constantly paranoid about what she's doing, who she's with, what she just got done doing, could she ever cheat again, what did she mean by that, why is she being cold today, etc. You get a clean break.

Rebuilding sucks and being lonely is a shitshow, but you'll become numb to it in time. Focus on your relationship with your kids to help you over the hump. Become a Super Dad while you sort the financials out and disassociate from this dumpsterfire.

Sorry you're part of our club, but it gets better. Stay strong.

Edit: Jesus, I just read your summary of her behavior and it's appalling. Yeah, she's checked out, you've gotta let her go. What she's doing is psychological abuse. Feels weird calling that kind of thing "abuse", but look at how it's affecting you and how casually she's doing it. There's no other definition for that, IMO.

[This message edited by AbandonedGuy at 12:53 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)]

You are currently keeping yourself in this. Her actions tell you she doesn't care. You should believe that.

Get strong stay there and emplent hard no contact. If you can't you will keep yourself where you are.

Exposure is about you're only weapon here. It's not your job to help hide their affair.

You need to wake up to reality and quit letting her determine your fate/future.

You will find this isn't the end of your world if you can do these things.