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I’d like some opinions please...

My husband had one LTA which was physical and lots of sexting with work colleague.

He sext with another woman for a year and a half off and on. Both say never met up (she lives 20 mins drive away) She’s actually very rude about him - says she saw him once from afar and that was enough. She said to me “rest assured, I haven’t ever and I wouldn’t ever”)

He’s sext with about 9 other women and messaged lots of women (people I know and he doesn’t!) to compliment them privately on Facebook.

He says he got addicted to sexting. He got his kicks from ‘personal porn’, like the power, would send vids of himself wanking and ejaculating to them (I’ve seen some as angry sexter sent to me. It’s a grim watch)

He swears that he’s only been physical with LTA. Wouldn’t have been brave enough to do with others. LTA stuff in work so easy, nothing out of the norm in his daily routine so wouldn’t cause suspicion. Also he is very shy guy so he felt confident through sexting.

Is it possible to sext without hooking up? Anyone have any experience of this?

Why do you want to be with someone that does this?

Is it possible to sext without hooking up? Anyone have any experience of this?

Yes it's possible. My husband sexted with many women that he didn't meet in person. However, there were several other women he did meet in person and have actual sex with.

Sounds like your husband has a serious problem. And let's not automatically jump to the old sex addiction defense. He might just need constant attention and ego kibbles, as in a serious personality disorder.

I think you have just the tip of the iceberg with him. He isn't for you think he is.

Kat888,

My H had a 2 weeks sexting relationship with an old college friend and confessed to me. My biggest regret is not blowing that up immediately. The sexting led to a PA for 18 months. Then, they pulled it back to friendly phone calls again every other month for the next year and a half. To answer your question, anything is possible. That said, your H is very bold with his search. These videos of him masturbating could be shared in the wrong hands. If I were you I would get STD check. I agree that he needs IC ASAP.

I am a ws.

This reads to me like it's a lesser offense in some way. As if you are trying to justify it as a lesser offense. It's understandable - but you need to know that's what you are doing - justifying that it's not as bad as is could be.

The same issues exist for him that exist for someone who has an emotional affair, a physical affair, or an emotional and physical affair.

-He is acting out sexually

-He is is doing things behind your back (lying)

-He is doing this instead of confronting the issues that cause it.

-He is abusing you, your marriage and showing you that he doesn't value it appropriately by choosing behaviors that put you and your marriage at risk.

And, if he hasn't progressed it to a full blown physical affair, he will. He has his boundaries way down, so when the situation presents itself he will do it if he doesn't address the root of his problems. What addiction do you know of doesn't escalate when the high is no longer enough and the ante must be upped?

So, please...think about what your requirements are for him moving forward. The top one is he needs to get into IC immediately and start figuring out why he is acting out, and why he is able to do it. He needs to give you access to all of his electronics and be transparent in every way. He needs to recognize what this does to you, his wife, the person he vowed to love and cherish. Anything else, and you are going to get more of the same and possibly worse. Since it's unknown if he's had a PA for certain, I would require him to get an STD panel.

And, don't let him blame you in any way for his behavior.

[This message edited by hikingout at 11:33 AM, July 11th (Thursday)]

I think it’s possible - until the high of texting isn't enough and they need to up the titillation. I’d take the word “just” out of the description. Yes, sexting with physical contact is bad but sexting alone is equally as damaging and soul crushing!!!

Sounds to me like he's just wanking up enough courage to make it real.

IMHO, this is who he is. You only have to decide whether to accept it or not, then make a decision... stay or go. You can't decide that HE should change. No grown, married man needs a counsellor or anybody else to tell him he really shouldn't be having these types of interactions with women who are not his wife.

That's my $.02.

I think it's possible to have sexting without hooking up, BUT, I don't believe it's possible to have sexting and never hooking up, if that makes sense. My WH sexted with a woman in Florida and another in New Mexico, and I believe he never hooked up with either due to distance. However, he also sexted with a woman at work and they did hookup, supposedly just kissing and finger sucking (I am tempted to cut that finger off). I feel like sexting is a gateway to a PA.

It is possible but not probable.

Based on what you wrote, it's highly improbable... I'd imagine that once you cross the line into infidelity... it's easier, not harder, to cross that line.

It's possible that some of the women turned him down... but I doubt that he was turning them down much, if at all.

It is possible.

However, this doesn't make it any less wrong or trauma-inducing.

From what I know of my situation, after 2 ddays, my fiance was involved in sexting 2 women. 1 of them was over a period of 5 months (I consider this one an EA) and the other was a one time deal. He met neither of them. The first woman, after not being able to contact her, he reached out to the second one and escalated his behavior, sending her a video when before it was just texts and pictures. He told me as well he could never cheat with someone 'physically', but I believe he was well on his way to becoming someone who could.

The problem with sexting is it's just so damn easy. Need a quick pick-me-up after a fight with your SO? Well, Becky over there understands you and thinks you're attractive. And there you have it! All the validation and ego-boosting you'll ever need. It's not like you'll actually meet in person, so this is harmless, right? Not so :(

Does it really make it any better, him not having a physical affair with these 9 others? For me, it doesn't offer me any solace. He still sought them out and engaged in this behavior with them. He still cheated.

We are currently trying to R. What has helped me the most was him deleting Facebook and stopping with the porn. He is being completely open and honest with me about the urges he feels and any slip-ups. We are both in IC and he has learned to be non-defensive when we talk about it and to really examine his feelings about why.

Wish you luck with this.hikingout made some really good points.

I think some of you missed the start of my message - my husband had a physical affair with a work colleague for 5+ years.

The setting was a part of that relationship and he sext with many, many other women

Kat888

My husband went on dating sites. He swears he just talked. He did this for 5 years. Not real cheating. In his mind.

Within the first year of doing online sites a friend introduced him to massage parlours. He had hand jobs for five years. When I learned this he thought it wasn’t cheating. He was shocked that paying someone for a hand job was wrong. It was just a purchase.

Then he wanted more. He went to a prostitute. Well then there was a five year A.

Each activity led to an escalation in cheating.

Your husband has had one PA already. Now he is addicted to sexting. Personally I think that is just an excuse.

My guess he is just waiting to cheat again. Or he is already.

This is utterly unacceptable. Do not accept this behaviour.

If he can’t stop, that would be a deal breaker for me.

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 5:07 PM, July 11th (Thursday)]

To answer your question directly: Yes it's possible. but anything is possible.

as hikingout pointed out. sexting is just a "lesser" offence. Are you trying to figure out if its possible that he only had that LTA, of if he is lying because he was sexting the other women at the time?

Kat888, now I'm confused. Are you saying that your CH is not sexting with these women now? All of this only went on during his LTA?

I think it's very unlikely that he didn't hook up with any of these women if they were in close proximity. You know he's capable.

finger sucking

Why does this disgust me so much?

The adjacent thread on MacDonald’s views on porn and now this. If your WH had come to you and said, “I want to sext with various strange women knowing full well YOU ARE RIGHT HERE and are faithful to me,” how would you have responded? Guess what? He knew that innately yet chose to go ahead and do it.

I don’t have a whole lot of room to cast stones as I sexted and then followed that up with a PA. The PA was with a woman I sexted with while away from home for an extended period of time.

All to say it’s an A and a slippery slope, FIRST and foremost from an emotional betrayal perspective. But secondary to that it will almost certainly lead to PA once the distance shrinks. MOST importantly, if it’s a betrayal to you and WS doesn’t treat it as such there’s a lot he needs to understand.

Why does this disgust me so much?

Coco, you’re not alone there.

Is it possible to sext without hooking up? Anyone have any experience of this?

It's possible but pretty unlikely considering his history. He has some pretty brazen actions.

Sexting and/or complimenting women you know, bringing OW to your wedding and having sex with OW in your house. That is all pretty shitting behavior with a complete disregard for you or your feelings.

He swears that he’s only been physical with LTA. Wouldn’t have been brave enough to do with others.

^^^ Hard to believe considering his actions.

My WH first started by telling me it was only sexting, dating sites and FB. Then it went to only one woman. But the more I dug the more I found out.

WH would sext with anyone that would sext with him. With some women it stayed that way because of where they lived but with others he would meet them and have sex.

WH also liked to have affairs with CW's because they are convenient and it's easier to hide.

This is just IMO but the more women there are the more the WS is trying to hide and it's really hard to get to the truth and even harder to find out all of the truth.

I'm sorry that you are going through this. I really hope you are in IC or at least thinking about talking to someone.

My WH first started by telling me it was only sexting, dating sites and FB. Then it went to only one woman. But the more I dug the more I found out.

They will only admit to what they have to. There is always more.

Maybe a polygraph will set your mind at ease. It’s hard to start healing and forgiving when you don’t know the truth - at least the basics...

I think some of you missed the start of my message - my husband had a physical affair with a work colleague for 5+ years.

The setting was a part of that relationship and he sext with many, many other women

I don't really see anyone that missed it, rather we have just been focused on the question you asked, about whether we had experience with sexting and no PA, if that was even possible.

I think the majority of posters have been saying yes, it's possible, but highly improbable if the opportunity is there and if he has already crossed that line before. Also, it sounds like he has not admitted his past willingly. I had 2 ddays because my fiance was being threatened to be exposed to me, so he confessed while minimizing and lying to me as much as he could. The second dday came when he was ready to fully commit to R and start working on our relationship. If your husband is still being evasive, it is quite possible you don't have the entire truth about these other sexting encounters.