SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello everyone, this is my first time posting about this so I'm sorry if it's a little hectic.

Back in November 2017, my wife (gf at the time) told me she went out drinking with a couple of her coworkers. She had told me she went with her friend Stephanie, and a couple other people. One of her coworkers, Todd, was there too. She had told me Todd always flirted with her, and she had shown me texts him asking if she wanted compliments, with her replying saying no. He sent back a winky face saying she will regret it.

Anyway, I texted her a couple times to make sure she was being safe. She texted back maybe s couple times, saying omg I love you so much, I hope you never leave me. And when I asked her if she wanted to come home, she just asked for one night of fun. So she showed up at 4:30 in the morning, being dropped off by Todd. I was instantly pissed. I regret it, but I instantly accused her of cheating on me. She called me an asshole with low self esteem. I asked her why he was dropping her off and she said that he was the only one that could drive. She told me countless times that other coworkers were there and she barely even talked to him. I told her I was not comfortable having male friends that constantly make passes at her.

I accepted it, she started being more attentive towards our relationship. Since then we have gotten married and had a child (I know).

A couple months ago, she slipped up and mentioned that she had gone out just with Todd that night. And she told me I don't go out with her enough. That the two years we've been together that that one night she hanged out with him was the funnest she's ever had.

I can't believe she even said those words to me. It cut me so deep and she doesn't even care about my pain, only about trying to make herself happy. She has struggled with alcohol abuse for a few years now, and I just don't know what to do anymore.

There's so much more now too. There's been a couple other times when I've questioned her for some shady ass behavior, and I'm sorry I can't even go into detail now because it's gonna tear me up and I'm typing this out at work right now. Pretty much, went out drinking with a stranger back at their house, and she told me they tried to have sex with her but she rejected them and left. Idk the timeframe, I was asleep for maybe three hours that night. And I woke up to her being hella drunk and throwing shit around. And there was another time right after we got engaged that the same thing happened, but she had taken my phone AND GIVEN HIM MY NUMBER. She just said they hung out for a little bit, another stranger she met walking around at night, drunk as fuck. I guess I just accepted that she liked to go out and meet people, but now I'm seeing it as she just cheated on me a bunch. She never admitted to it, so maybe I'm just crazy.

I even have specifically told her my boundaries on these situations before we even got together and she's done nothing but stomp on them and make it my fault that I don't wanna drink everyday.

A lot of what I'm saying is in the passed, happened before she got pregnant. She's a very good mother, like I wish my mother was like her. She's a very good wife now too, she doesn't drink anymore. But all this stuff that's happened I can't let it go. I just can't stop thinking about it and whenever I go to talk to her about it I just crumble and can't talk.

I feel like I'm going crazy because this is the woman of my dreams but apparently not. The mother of my son. I feel so dumb that I couldn't see the pattern until I took a little closer look at everything. I can't just leave her though. I'm her whole support system.

Any advice would be appreciated but I feel like I know what to do but I just can't bring myself to do it. I don't know how we can come back from this. I feel like it's all in my mind, but why would there be so many times where I feel like she's lying to me? And when I've caught her in the lie. I just want to confront her so badly, and just scream at her.

Anyway that's my crazy rant, just wanna say thanks for reading and any help or even talking would be greatly appreciated.

Hi, Rabbit. I’m sorry you’re in so much pain. I can relate to how you feel and it’s awful. Though I’m glad you found us here at SI, I’m sorry you’re going through such agony. Know this – everyone here wants to help you. We will do our best to help you through all this crap. We’ve all been down a road like yours and it’s not fair, but that’s life. You’ve been dealt some cards in life you shouldn’t have but now have to play the game with. It stinks, I know.

First, know that what has happened is not your fault. Her getting drunk, going out with other men, and whatever else she may have done have all been HER choices. This has nothing to do with you. She’s a big girl, now, and needs to take responsibility for her decisions.

Second, when you have time, look through the Healing Library at the upper left corner of the page. In there you will find a lot of resources that can help you identify what’s going on in your head and heart, and some help on what to do.

Third, a resource I highly recommend that helped me tremendously is Kevin Jackson’s e-book entitled “So Your Wife Cheated On You.” He speaks plainly and directly, and sometimes we need that. The book isn’t free, but worth every penny. I have read through it at least twice and refer back to it once in a while.

Fourth, if you are sure she has been with other men, get yourself checked out. I had a full panel of tests run and the results came back in a couple of days. Don’t take chances with this stuff. My WW (Wayward Wife) picked up HPV from AP (Affair Partner) No.2, then went back to AP #1. When I contacted the OBS (Other Betrayed Spouse) of AP #1 I learned he had gotten HPV from my wife, it stayed dormant in his body for 2 decades, then morphed into head and neck cancer. He has had to go through surgeries, chemo treatments, etc. Very bad! HPV is currently undetectable in men, but get checked out for everything else. However, your dentist will watch for signs in the roof of your mouth. If anything suspicious comes about (a sign that HPV is now active), get it checked immediately.

There will be more coming behind me with their own comments. Listen to them. They have been through some pretty horrible crap, too, and can help. Take the advice which you think fits your scenario and leave the rest. We know it’s impossible to convey all the details, so we can only comment on what you share. But you know the situation better than any of us, so you have to decide what is best for you. The weekends seem to be pretty slow with postings, but that will pick up during the week.

Just remember that here at SI, you are not alone.

Definitely get STD screenings, BOTH of you!

I don’t mean to be a dick, but do you really know the child is yours? After her shady behavior, I would definitely get a paternity test done to verify...and don’t hide this from her, she needs to know there are consequences to her behavior.

Trust your gut bud.

Red flags are flapping in the wind

Young sir, have done something that many, many men do after they get married. You stopped courting your wife. You may have also done so after you became comfortable with her as a girlfriend. Most women are more emotionally charged than men. They take acute notice when their man's attention starts dropping off. I have been married longer than you have been alive and I court my wife everyday. Unexpected hugs and kisses, little gifts once in a while, going on dates, giving her flowers. Try treating her like you did when you went on date the first six months after you met her. I see and hear of so many marriages failing because the communication and connection in the marriage failed. I do wish you well.

Anoldlion, this man is married to an alcoholic with whom he suspects of cheating on him (for good reason). Are you kidding me? He's not kissing her ass enough to keep her sober and not screwing around? You're joking, right?

That comment, anoldlion, was entirely inappropriate and uncalled for at this time of Rabbithole's trauma. What do we know about how the WW kept the romance alive in their marriage. Apparently she goes out drinking with complete strangers to their houses and goes drinking with others at the drop of a hat.

Calling Rabbithole out on his behavior as not being a good husband based on such little information is total bullshit. Why not just tell him to just rugsweep this and do the "pick me" dance. Tell him it is his fault. Her cheating is all on him.

Every marriage has issues. Some more than others. The problems are shared in some proportion. None of them justify cheating/infidelity/adultery. That is 100% + on the WS. If Rabbithole's WW was out until 4:30am with Todd and lied that there were others present and they were in the car when she got dropped off that is cheating. More than likely is a PA. It seems to be consistent behavior.

I’m sorry for you.

If you think you want to get past this I suggest professional counseling for you right now. It will help you process this nightmare and help you to deal with all of it.

IF she has stopped drinking and has been a really good spouse and partner, there is hope. Clearly she has issues with alcohol and is possibly an alcoholic. But if she is no longer drinking and acting like a cheater - it is possible she has changed.

I hope for the best for you but only you can decide what that is. It is hard to let go of the past. It really is.

Just wow...you've been married less than 2 years... you should still be in the honeymoon phase of marriage... NOT having to deal with this sh*t. As others have said a full battery of std tests and checking your child's paternity is a must do in your situation. It wouldn't be the first time a woman has tried to pass off someone else's child as her husbands.

You gotta start somewhere. Please don't rug sweep this. You'll only be postponing the inevitable. The lying is very troublesome. Marriages have ended just for the lying. Trust is the very foundation of a marriage. When the trust is gone the foundation crumbles.

A couple months ago, she slipped up and mentioned that she had gone out just with Todd that night. And she told me I don't go out with her enough. That the two years we've been together that that one night she hanged out with him was the funnest she's ever had.

Sounds like you made a mistake marrying her in the first place. I wouldn't compound that mistake by staying in this.

You're too young to waste your life on this train wreck.

And yes, DNA the child.

[This message edited by Marz at 2:21 PM, July 28th (Sunday)]

This should probably be moved to "Just Found Out."

This should probably be moved to "Just Found Out."

RabbitHole1137,

In order for you to R (if this is where you are heading), you will need the whole story. Tell your wife to write down what happened during those nights out. Tell her you will verify this with a polygraph.

I would say your wife’s story is unlikely as she seems unable to keep boundaries and she has demonstrated selfish behavior in the past.. She has lied to you in the past and the trust is gone. No trust equates no marriage. Tell her that you could possibly get over a PA, but not lies. Telling you that she had more fun with a coworker than with you is pretty self-centered.

Several jumped on my post because I suggested he start courting his wife. Comments like "this is inappropriate", "wife's an alcoholic", "suspected she cheated on him". Yes, I saw this in his post but you know what I didn't see. No where did I see where he went out with her on the nights he described. While she was out getting drunk or seeing someone else, where was he? I saw where he said, while she was out doing these things, he was at home asleep. How many of you would allow your GF or wife go out night after night and drink without you with her? If I knew that my wife was going out and there was a very good possibility she was going to get drunk, there is no way she would go without me. A drunk woman can be taken advantage of in so many ways it's scary. He said he didn't want to drink everyday. I've never been in a bar yet that didn't serve soft drinks or club soda. I trust my wife more than any other person in the world but if I knew she was going to a bar and get drunk you can bet your azz she wouldn't go without me. So throw all the 2X4s you want. I still say every man should never stop courting their wife. I do wish you well.

RabbitHole

I think andanoldlions original comments are off and don’t think his later post makes it any easier or makes any more sense. But that’s the beauty of SI – you get all sorts of advice.

There are two conditions that make me pause on posting on threads here on SI. These two conditions are when there are mental health issues and when there is alcoholism. I think these two issues – combined or separately – can alter the “normal” behavior in any relationship and add a twist that makes it hard to help with.

I have some experience with a close family member and alcoholism. I have also volunteered in a program helping recovering addicts getting back into normal life. I also have a close family friend that has dealt with alcoholism. This is what I have learned:

Alcoholism affects families as well as the alcoholic.

Alcoholism is not limited to when and if the alcoholic is drinking. If your wife is an alcoholic and not drinking she’s simply a dry alcoholic and not a recovering alcoholic.

A difference between being a dry alcoholic and a wet alcoholic is simply time. It’s inevitable that a dry alcoholic will drink again.

An alcoholic can NEVER control his drinking. The alcoholic might try – might have one glass of white-wine and then claim they can control their drinking. But soon it will be binge-drinking or letting the alcohol control their actions.

The ONLY way an alcoholic can become a recovering alcoholic is through total abstinence and hard, steady and serious work at accepting and embracing abstinence. In my limited experience that is probably best done with real, serious 12 step work within AA.

Alcoholism isn’t defined by the amount drunk nor the frequency. It’s more an issue of how, why and what drinking affects. One of my wife’s best friends is a recovering alcoholic. She would only drink 2-3x a year but nearly each time she would black out and end up in some undesired situation (like waking up next to someone other than her husband…).

An alcoholic will risk ANYTHING and EVERYTHING for the next drink.

No matter how they try then those around an alcoholic can NEVER control his/her drinking.

With all the above in mind I would possibly focus on your wife’s drinking and her sobriety.

I’m thinking that your need to text and be in touch all evening, and your concerns indicate you think she has an alcohol issue. I’m thinking that maybe she went out with Todd because she could drink. Didn’t have to think about what you thought or to hold back on her consumption. I’m thinking that her comments about that night being the most fun and wanting more like that is really a call for an excuse to drink. I’m thinking that her attempts to be a dry alcoholic are wearing thin and she needs an excuse to wet up again.

Andanoldlion might be correct that you – like 99% of all couples with a young child – might not go out too much. But the way people go out when young adults, dating or newly wed is different than the way couples with kids go out… It’s no longer drinks followed by an alcohol-loaded dinner followed by some more drinks at the bar before hitting the clubs to early morning. It’s no longer an 18-hour party followed by 24-hour hangover. Taking an alcoholic out for a drink… that’s not going to do anything positive.

It is a real problem that couples tend to focus too much on the family and not enough on the couple.

But that’s dealt with by spending time together doing things both might enjoy. That’s dealt with by dropping the kid off with grandparents and spending an evening together as a couple. It’s NOT dealt with by hitting the bars and drinking with strangers.

I’m going to second the idea that you seek professional help.

I would search for a good MC. Start by getting a private session where you outline the issues:

If she went out with Todd (and Todd only) then that is a form of infidelity. It could be “limited” to the betrayal of having lied about whom she went out with (assuming nothing happened between them – a real possibility). It could be a full-blown affair. You need to know.

Your concerns about her drinking and that you two need to be on the same level as to if its an issue or not.

How you two can create a balance between the seriousness of being a family and the necessity of being a couple.

Finally – Go find a local Al Anon group. Ask if an experienced volunteer is willing to hear your story. Get better confirmation if your family and your line of thought is being affected by alcoholism or not.

anoldlion

Several jumped on my post because I suggested he start courting his wife. Comments like "this is inappropriate", "wife's an alcoholic", "suspected she cheated on him". Yes, I saw this in his post but you know what I didn't see. No where did I see where he went out with her on the nights he described. While she was out getting drunk or seeing someone else, where was he? I saw where he said, while she was out doing these things, he was at home asleep. How many of you would allow your GF or wife go out night after night and drink without you with her? If I knew that my wife was going out and there was a very good possibility she was going to get drunk, there is no way she would go without me. A drunk woman can be taken advantage of in so many ways it's scary. He said he didn't want to drink everyday. I've never been in a bar yet that didn't serve soft drinks or club soda. I trust my wife more than any other person in the world but if I knew she was going to a bar and get drunk you can bet your azz she wouldn't go without me. So throw all the 2X4s you want. I still say every man should never stop courting their wife. I do wish you well.

Seriously? Your latest comments are still out of line. Stop blame shifting.

36yearsgone, I only consider it blameshifting when what is said is untrue. If the statement is true then it could be germane to the situation. I wish you well.

RabbotHole, I too was married to a loose woman who has no regard for monogamy or marriage or their spouse's feelings or common decency or accountability or etc. etc. etc. You've been burned by this woman over and over again. It won't stop. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Sounds like a textbook repeat offender. These people are damaged goods who are on a warpath and will take down anyone in their way. Please consider leaving this dumpsterfire.

Does your wife (maybe WW) recognize that she has a drinking problem?

Hi, RabbitHole1137. Welcome to SI.

From what you've written, there are enough red flags to make me suspect that she probably cheated. I'm not sure how you could get the truth out of her, although there's a good reason for the old adage, in vino veritas (in wine, truth).

What does your gut tell you?