SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It has been one week and one day since I found out and I don’t know what is going on. I found out in January through emails it was happening but he lied and said it was only out of curiosity and that they didn’t meet. He kept it going after and they hooked up this month. I found out after looking through his phone because my gut told me something was off and I emailed the guy as I was my partner.

He says he is willing to do anything to fix this which I believe is true right now but what happens in another year? He isn’t respecting my need for space and it is still all about how he feels. What is real? Will he change ?

Your husband is gay but doesn’t want to be. Both of you need to face reality. He is cheating on you but he is also cheating himself by trying to be something he is not. He can’t help being gay but he can certainly help cheating on you. You need an expert to guide you through this difficult time.

Hate to break it to you, But your partner is either Gay or Bi. Either way you should work on yourself. He is not a safe partner for anyone for many reasons. Chief among them is the fact that he is not sure of his Sexuality time to move on and find someone who loves and is capable of loving only you...

Well that’s why I’m confused because he swears that’s not it. I just want to know if the lying will stop and he can stop. I’m fine with him hooking up with men, but this betrayal and it being all about him isn’t okay. I just feel really alone and scared

I’m fine with him hooking up with men

Do you mean you are okay with him having affairs?

I’m fine with him hooking up with men

Ok, Now I am confused, Then why are you here????

I am so sorry this has happened and you are feeling alone and scared. This process is very challenging and one of the most painful. Please make sure to get checked for STD's and take care of yourself.

Sadly from my own experience and having been on here, most waywards lie and keep the lies coming even after the reveal. It takes hard work for them to get to a place of true remorse and facing themselves. I am glad you have found SI so soon after your day of discovery. It is a great resource. Have you looking into Counseling? It truly helps maneuver this process.

And your husband not respecting your space is not ok. Is he refusing to leave the residence?

[This message edited by maise at 2:59 PM, September 30th (Monday)]

This doesn't mean he is gay. At all. If he enjoys having sex with you, then he is probably not gay. Most likely, he is bisexual.

The number of married men, who hook up with other men, is astronomical. They do it for many reasons. Sometimes they're gay. Or curious. Or it's safer to cheat with men, because there are so many willing to hook up for NSA sex. Less chance of getting a bunny boiler. No needy OW falling in love and outting them to their spouse.

Check out the personal ads on Craigslist. Notice the hundreds of new ads,daily, from married men, looking for NSA sex with men. They're not all gay

It's a lot more common than people realize.

There is a thread in the ICR forum, for people who have a spouse that cheated with the same gender. I encourage you to post there. You will get compassion and understanding, from people who have been in your situation. People who have been through IC and MC, and understand a great deal about human sexuality, and wont just write him off as gay.

I’m here because he lied and cheated and had unprotected sex with a man for 5 years. He lied when I caught him and then did it again and covered it up again.

I am fine with him being bisexual and I told him if he wants that I’m fine with it and he can do it but dishonesty and being unsafe is not okay. We have four kids.... this person was at my house. I was pregnant during this time and he was having unprotected sex. I am here because I don’t know if I should stay or go or believe him. How do I know ?

Whatever his orientation may or may not be, it is completely secondary to the fact that he has cheated on you repeatedly. Bi or whatever doesn't make that part of it ok.

Since you said you had already confronted him once and he continued the behavior, this most likely will not stop. And you almost certainly don't have the full story yet.

Please get tested, implement the 180, and get yourself into counseling if you can.

I'm so sorry.

Would you be okay with him cheating with a woman if he was open to you about it and used protection? What's the difference?

So it sounds like you are okay with an open marriage and you just want honesty on the rules and transparency? Is that it?

If that is true I don't think this site is going to be a lot of help. I'm not judging your choice here. It's not for me but if it works for you it is not for me to say it's wrong. I just think the overwhelming majority on this site are believers in monogamy and you won't get a lot of advice here for how to live like this. Honesty though is universal so I suppose you should start there with your WH.

Also 5 years of cheating and lying is a second life, not an Affair. You really need to be certain that your WH is capable of following any rules you establish whatever they are. I would be very angry over the lack of concern for your health as well.

[This message edited by beenthereinco at 2:20 PM, September 30th (Monday)]

I'm so sorry!

I totally get that it was the dishonesty that bothered you, I was the same way. I didn't care a lot about the physical part.

Being Bi doesn't mean he *has to* have sex with men. It just means that he is interested in it. Don't be so quick to say you are "ok" with anything at this stage. Being open is something you can have AFTER the person has proven to be trustworthy, which he has not. So I think you need to go back to a closed relationship as your requirement.

As for your question, is the lying going to stop. I think you are going to have to show him how important this is, because he's not listening to your words. I know filing for divorce might seem like an extreme action right now, but it might be the only thing that gets his attention.

It has nothing to do with the other persons gender. It is the lies and deception that is the issue. I am not open to an open relationship, but we have had sexually open discussions. I’m looking for advice about how to deal with the fact that regardless of our relationship dynamics or whatever my whole has been lied and I don’t know what to do anymore. Just like all of the people here who have been cheated on. I added the gender and details to basically add context to the story.

This has nothing to do with being bi, it has everything to do with infidelity.

I’m fine with him hooking up with men, but this betrayal and it being all about him isn’t okay. I just feel really alone and scared

Are you saying it is ok with you if he hooks up with men as long as he is not lying about it? In other words, an open marriage?

I do agree with what annanew has mentioned, the thing is, your husband has been capable of lying to you for at least 5 years about some very big things that were directly damaging to you. The concept of transparency from him in ways of an open sexual relationship, or whatever else can't be trusted. His lying to this degree speaks to deeper issues within him that he is going to have to face. He won't be safe in any relationship unless he does. Individual counseling, practicing the 180 in the healing library (yellow box, upper left hand corner), and STD testing are ways to help you begin to focus on your own self-care.

You have absolutely been cheated on, and betrayed. Just like every BS here.

You have an extra layer of betrayal, because he has lied to you about his sexuality.

While being gay,bi, or whatever, is not a choice, fidelity IS. You do not have to be ok with him having sexual contact with men. AT ALL. He is attracted to women as well. You wouldn't be ok with him having sex with other women,right? This is NO different. You are attracted to men. You choose to be faithful. Being bi, if he is, simply means the pool of attractive people is larger than a straight man's pool,so to speak. Again,fidelity is a choice.

How do you know if he is bi? Time. And his willingness to get into IC and figure out his issues. He should be willing to sign a paper at his IC, that allows you to speak to his therapist, so you know he addressing his infidelity and sexuality.

What he needs to do:

Full transparency. You get full access to everything, all online accounts and his phone. Passwords included.

He sends a NC email to OM. One you approve of. And he stays NC.

He answers all of your questions, without blame or anger, as often as you need to ask.

He gets a full panel of std tests. You go with him to this appointment, so you know the doctor knows he has been with men, as there are certain tests he will need. And the results are sent to you.

He is accountable for his time when he is away from you.

Complete honesty. About all things.

No blameshifting. He owns what he has done.

And anything else you need to feel safe.

What you need to do:

Full panel of std tests

See an attorney to know your rights

IC. This is a trauma. You will need help processing this.

Be kind to yourself

Don't do anything towards reconciliation. Not yet. He needs to do the heavy lifting. You sit back,and watch what he does. Words mean nothing. Watch his actions.

Contact the other man's wife,if there is one. Do not tell your husband. He may warn him,so by the time you speak to her,she will have been told you are crazy and abusive. Also,by not telling him, if he confronts you,you know he is still in contact with OM.

I'm so sorry this happened.

He totally cheated,lied and potentially put you and your unborn child at risk by having unprotected sex with you and a high risk partner at the same time.

So he lied and cheated for 5 years. That is a relationship any way you cut it. He says he will do anything to help you heal. Get him the book from the healing library titled "how to heal ...". It is a light read and has a built in point list of things he needs to do to fix this issue.

The other thing you need to face is that he "Is gay. Maybe bi."

5 years, as I said, is a relationship. He didn't just hook up with this guy for some fun. Plus, even if he did just hook up with the guy, it makes him Bi. He enjoys sex with both genders, which has words associated people don't like. That is why people will question him possibly being gay.

Now to the open marriage thing. You aren't ok with him hooking up with other people. You even said this was cheating. So you are not "OK" with cheating. You seem to be trying to be sensitive to his sexual orientations while trying to be mad about him cheating. Just because it was a guy doesn't mean he didn't cheat. It also doesn't mean he doesn't lie.

Good luck. Don't try to be "new age" and just be mad your husband is cheating. Trying to be sensitive to his feelings and possible confusion while being mad. He is cheating and it will just mess up your emotional rollercoaster even more.

[This message edited by DoinBettr at 9:15 AM, October 1st (Tuesday)]

I think you're confused, bargaining by saying the sex wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the lies in one breath and how you don't want an open relationship in the next, and probably don't really know what you want.

I am here because I don’t know if I should stay or go or believe him.

The LAST thing you should be doing is believing him. A 5 year PA with a man isn't nothing. It's not something he can play off as making him still straight. Straight men don't sleep with other men and they sure as hell don't do it for 5 years and then again after being caught. Until he can say the words, "I am not straight," he is lying and he will do it again.

Is he gay and using you as a beard? Is he bi and caught up in the usual A bull crap that just happens to be with a man? Who knows. I don't but he does and he has to drop the lies and figure it out otherwise your marriage has no future.

Do you have access to his phone, email, social media, etc? Get it. Are you sure he is done with the OM? Require him to write a NC letter. Make him go to therapy. If he will not do even one of the things I've listed, see a lawyer and be prepared to D.

YOU deserve better than being cheated on no matter who the AP is or what his sexuality is. YOU definitely deserve better than being this man's smoke screen for appearing straight. HE needs to do everything possible to make this up to you and answer your questions honestly or he can leave.