SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

ON D-day you find out your spouse has cheated on you with their AP. You are hurt, upset and confused. You are also angry and the word revenge crosses your mind. Ah, I can get even by having a Revenge Affair!

I have no experience regarding Revenge Affairs other than what I read on SI and ponder within my own mind. But I do have some thoughts.

I liken Revenge Affairs to be similar to seeking revenge on the asshat who cut me off in traffic. He/she cut me off, therefore I need to seek revenge to undo what the other driver did to me…so I cut him off and cause an accident where several people get hurt.

My response did nothing to undo what was done to me. Instead it made matters worse and revealed me as a self-loathing miscreant.

If, after infidelity, my first response is to have my own affair, then I really have no business remaining in the marriage. My tit for tat, quid pro quo, does absolutely nothing for the marriage.

What’s more, if I set our to find someone to have a Revenge Affair with, what’s in it for them? I am just proving myself to be selfish, a user and an abuser. I not only attempt to get even with my spouse, but am going to use someone else to accomplish the task.

There are better ways of dealing with infidelity than allowing your own character to suffer.

If, after infidelity, my first response is to have my own affair, then I really have no business remaining in the marriage. My tit for tat, quid pro quo, does absolutely nothing for the marriage.

I don't know if I agree with this...but it's because I am the WS, and while I agree that it ended our marriage as we knew it, I can't walk around in R still feeling like I have no business being in our marriage. So, therefore, had he done the same thing, it would have complicated matters greatly, but he could be provided with grace and an opportunity for redemption as I have been provided with as well. I can't proclaim it was deserved for me, any more than he could in that circumstance.

There are better ways of dealing with infidelity than allowing your own character to suffer.

This is where I agree. Having had the affair was a source of self destruction for me. It made a hole for myself that I had a hard time climbing back out of. I wouldn't wish that on my BS to have to deal with that on top of all that comes with being a BS. I can understand how someone in pain inflicts pain, because I did it. But, I also understand how when you do that, it's typically pretty destructive for you as well.

I think one of the posters on the other thread is right: I wish I remember who said this off the top of my head but when both cheat it's 0 points for the marriage and 2 for infidelity.

Overall, I am glad this was not something H decided to do to himself. I don't know that I would feel anywhere in the neighborhood as betrayed as he did...after all I dropped that bomb in the middle of a happy marriage. So, I am not sure it would have given me a full effect of an eye for an eye. But, I am much healthier than I was back then so it's really hard to put any conjecture to that part.

Another SI post dealt with a serial cheating Husband. His wife had a revenge affair after years of his lying and cheating.

She told him about the affair.

He divorced his wife b/c she cheated and he could not accept his wife as a cheater. Yes it’s hypocritical. Yes it’s laughable.

But to each his own.

I wouldn’t have a RA. That’s just me. It doesn’t solve anything but it’s revenge. Revenge on the cheating spouse.

"His wife had a revenge affair after years of his lying and cheating...He divorced his wife b/c she cheated and he could not accept his wife as a cheater."

The fact that the cheating spouse can't accept the idea of their betrayed spouse being with someone else seems to be a common theme. I ran into it myself after I had finalized divorcing my cheating ex.

He divorced his wife b/c she cheated and he could not accept his wife as a cheater. Yes it’s hypocritical.

so how is it hypocritical? She obviously COULDN'T accept it so she cheated. He couldn't accept her cheating so he divorced her. Seems like neither could accept it so I'm not seeing your point?

[This message edited by sewardak at 2:48 PM, November 4th (Monday)]

so how is it hypocritical? She obviously COULDN'T accept it so she cheated. He couldn't accept her cheating so he divorced her. Seems like neither could accept it so I'm not seeing your point?

I think she means in terms of divorce and not passive acceptance but I do see your point.

I agree 100%. Scorekeeping is not a healthy way to manage any kind of relationship. Once you've devolved to that, it's over anyway.

If, after infidelity, my first response is to have my own affair, then I really have no business remaining in the marriage.

Yep I agree I should have D'd then. Instead I let my failing mental health and cry for help overshadow any morals or integrity I had. My RA was very similar to my suicide attempt. I wanted out and out of the pain. I was hoping my RA would end the M. Stupid I know but that was my thinking at that time.

An affair is an affair, no matter how thinly one slices the rationalization.

A 'justifiable' RA is....wayward thinking. Wayward thinking is not healthy, for either party.

If someone breaks into my house and steals my TV, and I break into their house to steal something back -- we both both go to jail.

If someone cuts me off in traffic, nearly kills us both, and I do the same to them -- and a cop or witness see it -- we both get tickets.

Just because I've been wronged, I don't instantly gain a brand new 'right' to wrong the person who committed the original offense.

As with any crime or offense against us (felony punch in the face, house set on fire, whatever), if we do the same, we're still in the wrong.

Any rationalization to feel good about making a bad choice is merely a rationalization. Did the "hey THEY started it" defense ever work as a kid?

I compare a revenge affair to the call of "piling on" in the NFL.

--A revenge affair doesn't change what happened and it adds additional layers of hurt and complexity to the original affair and attendant issues.

--A revenge affair puts the BS and the WS on a level playing field. While that may seem a good thing, it's not. The original choice to cheat is masked with this, and the attendant choice to cheat is masked as well. Many don't deal with both issues but instead deal with none. That's not healthy.

--It crowds the landscape by adding more people to an already crowded situation. As others have pointed out, a revenge affair is calculated, and while the revenge AP may be amenable or single or both, it's still using another person.

Cat

If the other person is single and willing then they are not being used.

If the other person is single and willing then they are not being used.

Sure they are. They are being used so someone can get revenge.

If the other person is single and willing then they are not being used.

I disagree. They are being deliberately inserted into a conflict between two other people. The person doing this likely cares little about their emotions or consequences--they just want the notch on the bedpost, so to speak, to "even the playing field" or "settle the score."

Cat

Yup. What Cat said.

Your position in regard to the other person denies them their agency, they are adults who can make their own decisions.

Your position in regard to the other person denies them their agency, they are adults who can make their own decisions.

Sure. Anyone can make bad decisions.

Your position in regard to the other person denies them their agency, they are adults who can make their own decisions.

They can "agree" to being used, but that doesn't make them any more manipulated and used in a situation that was 100% not of their own making.

Frankly, just like affairs, I really doubt someone is going to use this sort of script: You see, my spouse cheated on me and I want to make them pay by sleeping with someone else. You seem game. I don't know what is going to become of this, but I want to do it because of what someone else did to hurt me. So really, you could be anyone as long as you're willing to participate in hurting my spouse with me.

Cat

Frankly, just like affairs, I really doubt someone is going to use this sort of script: You see, my spouse cheated on me and I want to make them pay by sleeping with someone else. You seem game. I don't know what is going to become of this, but I want to do it because of what someone else did to hurt me. So really, you could be anyone as long as you're willing to participate in hurting my spouse with me.

Boom. Mic drop.

As usual, Cat nails it.

One thing that people also miss is this...the AP is likely using you for something as well. Even if they are single claiming a NSA - you have to ask yourself if they have ulterior motives. They might seem willing and foot loose and fancy free, but upon a second look what are they really doing there?

This isn't a single person looking for an NSA with a single person. Anytime someone is willing to sleep with a married person, there is something off. As a single person, there is no shortage of other single people to sleep with. So, why a married one? Because they think you are stable. They want what your wife or husband has. I just don't believe that an AP doesn't have some ulterior motives while they are quelling you with this "free love" routine.

This isn't a single person looking for an NSA with a single person. Anytime someone is willing to sleep with a married person, there is something off.

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