SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Am I alone in this? There was a thread on how men feel emasculated and have a difficult time finishing. I read in the healing library about hysterical bonding, which I haven't really seen anything on SI that addresses or talks about it.

WS, any of your BS's have hysterical bonding? Did it take a toll on you?

As a BS I've actually been ashamed at hysterical bonding because it's like I've been racking up intamacy with someone that just betrayed me. I don't understand, and it is difficult for me to process. Anyone else feel the same?

I'm a BS. There was a LOT of hysterical bonding for several months after D-Day. It was a little extreme. I felt a lot of shame at first - how could I would willingly have sex with someone who could betray me so significantly? What was wrong with me? After I learned a little bit about it, it made me feel a little better. I stopped worrying about what I *should* be doing and just tried to enjoy the good moments because at the time, there were so few of these.

I should add - it wasn't all good. There were definitely moments during HB that I would have flashes of what he did to her or where I would wonder whether he was imagining her instead of me and I would need to stop and cry and my husband would stop and hold me and apologize - or I would be mad and wouldn't want to be near him. That would happen a lot too.

We had two rounds of it - one shortly after DDAY that lasted a short spell, and one that started about almost month 11 after we stopped our inhouse separation and decided not to divorce. That one lasted well into year two - maybe 7 or 8 months of it. It's confusing, but I say go with it. It's a normal psychological response, and it can be helpful for some in moving forward.

Hikingitout

Did you ever get irritated with the HB? Did it cause tension on the M?

HB is very common! I think it happens with most couples. I went through it after dday1, although I didn't know that was what it was at the time. I just knew I wanted to have sex a lot more than usual. I cried afterward every time.

I experienced this on Dday and it lasted for several months

I had no idea it had a name or that it was common. Yes, I too felt shame

I'm two years past Dday and now I feel little or no sexual feelings at all. I am just as confused about this as I was about the hyper-sexual period, post Dday

My therapist tells me that it could be sexual anorexia. I am not comfortable where I am at this point to be honest , but I just can't seem to feel any desire at all

I ended up hysterical bonding with myself. Her cheating ass moved out so I couldn't do it with a partner.

While I say that in an attempt at humor, I'm being truthful in that I felt the need for sex as well. Way more than usual and it was a weird feeling. I often wondered what the hell was wrong with me.

I think many times WS’s use sex as currency to try and pay off their betrayal debt and manipulate their BS. I think BS’s welcome the HB because they so desperately desire to get back to what they thought they had before the betrayal. I think HB could be as detrimental as a revenge affair. It’s a severe form of rug sweeping under the guise of reconnecting.

[This message edited by CincyKid at 10:06 AM, November 7th (Thursday)]

Absolutely have it. It's the only positive to any of this.

I understand HurtandBroken. I'd be having sex every day and alone time 1 or 2 times a day. It seemed to be the only time I felt "good".

They say its something to do with the endorphins.

HB is fairly normal according to our MC, even for couples that don't choose to R.

Infidelity breaks the bond, and I think both people are reaching out to figure out if this thing can work or not.

Our HB lasted 8 glorious months.

And then it was me who took a step back and tried to figure what it all meant. I walled up for a time and wasn't interested in much physical contact for a while.

Ultimately, our physical intimacy is better than ever now, and likely helped by literally re-connecting during HB.

I should add that HB for us was more than the sex, it was being real about the pain caused and who we were and what we really wanted and needed from the other. It was the honest moments of of stripping away the masks and the gamesmanship of our relationship that we had carried around for years.

Before we very rarely had sex, maybe once a month. The day after DDay, HB hit with a vengeance. We had sex up to four times a day. I didn't question it. For us it was a vital part of repairing our marital bond, although I cried afterwards more often than not. It normalized a bit at around the four months mark, but we now have a very healthy sex life and we're more connected sexually than at any point before in our marriage.

I HBed for maybe a year. I have some past trauma that probably accounts for the length.

It was disruptive in that he felt we were getting back on track. Then one day him touching me made me feel sick. He was perplexed because he had taken all the right steps,we were having a lot of intimacy, and were no longer talking about the A regularly.

I am glad I HBed, it helped me get through that time in a way even if it caused weirdness later

Ws here. Yes we had hysterical bonding. My BW started about 2 weeks after D-Day. It was part of our ritual for months - maybe a bath, wine, sit and do Q&A session about the A, become intimate. It became a connection for us. It became a part of our reconciliation. In some respects, as the WS the HB made it easier for me to be more open with my BW about the A.

Went on for about 3 years. We are more normal in our sex drives now, but still miles ahead of where we were before.

Hikingitout

Did you ever get irritated with the HB? Did it cause tension on the M?

No, I am wondering if we are talking about the same thing? You mentioned not being able to finish? That's not part of HB, it's normal for there to be performance issues though.

I didn't feel irritated, I think where so much emotional stuff is flying around, and so many deep talks, it's just a vulnerable time for everyone. We both wanted more sex during that time, so it didn't upset me or cause me to be irritable. It felt like a reclaiming in some ways, other days it felt like angry grudge fucking, for some reason even that was hot. Sorry if TMI.

I'm a BS. And when the HB bug hit not 1 week post DDay1 I felt shame and confusion. I cant' tell you the relief I felt when I realized it was a "thing" and wasn't that unusual.

So...(with all puns fully intended) grabbed on and enjoyed the ride. I had tons of sex. I made it all about me. Because - ya know - if this was happening to me I better get something out of it.

After DDay1 I it was like porn star status. Afterglow wasn't overwith and I was reved up again.

After DDay2/3 it still hit but not at the full force it had before. And I roll with it - grabbing on tight and enjoying the ride.

If/when mind movies hit mid HB - I amp it up until they are not longer a thought.

All this TMI to say there is no shame in HB and could be lots of personal enjoyment and fulfillment.

Whoever said they had a lot of HB with themselves... same here!!! Hahaha!!! I had a lot of good times with myself!

I didn’t have sex with my WW for over a year. I couldn’t. Mental block, I just couldn’t get there. Never even gave it a shot. My equipment was still in working order, but the very idea of having sex with her made me feel weak. She begged. She tried to set up sexy scenarios. She talked with our MC about it, and suddenly the MC switched from talking about her A to talking about why I wouldn’t have sex with her. It wasn’t a pride thing, or being disgusted that some other man fucked her. I just didn’t want to give her the satisfaction. It felt like I would’ve been saying that her A was okay if we had sex.

Now, I regret not engaging in HB. All I accomplished by not doing it was depriving myself of sex for a year. And it was definitely detrimental to our R. And our sex life now is pretty bad. My advice to all of you is to try to just enjoy the sex, as often as you can. It really can’t hurt anything!

I as a BS have been in HB for the past 7 months. I was really pleased to learn it’s a thing and I’m not crazy. In the days before we started R I found myself thinking about having sex with WH and wondered if I was mad. I’m ‘lucky’’ in that I’m as sure as I can be that he didn’t sleep with POSOW which is a definite plus. But I think that for me HB has helped us to reconnect, and of course you can’t get closer than that physically. We’re just at 7 months into R and sadly it’s beginning to tail off a little, although it’s still more often and better than in recent years. Maybe 4 or 5 times a week instead of a day But I tell myself it’s a good sign, that maybe we’re now calming down and moving on to the next phase.

We had a couple of rounds of hysterical bonding.

It left me feeling used and dirty. I hadn't found SI, and had no idea it was "normal". It really screwed me up emotionally.

We had a couple of rounds of hysterical bonding.

It left me feeling used and dirty.

Yeah, I had those feelings too. It was like getting a short reprieve from the inevitable.

Like a 11th hour reprieve from the Governor for an execution, but the axe murderer is still sitting there on death row.

(If it's not obvious, my ex-WW is the axe murderer)