SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is not for me personally, as my husband and I are (finally) thankfully in a wonderful place 2.5 years after D-day. I have a loved one whose husband cheated on her about 8 years ago. They’ve been up and down since then, but she recently caught him watching porn. For her, this is a red-line and she says she wants a divorce. He says it’s no big deal. Does anyone have insight or advice on waywards who watch porn? I’m so sad for this family - they have struggled a lot and have two lovely children.

If that's her boundary, and he doesn't respect it, sounds like she needs to D.

Porn use is individual to each couple, imo.

Agree with cocoolus5nuts.

Porn use is a personal thing and some are okay with it and some aren’t. No judgement either way. But what matters is respecting what’s okay in your marriage and what makes your spouse uncomfortable. The key is that she set a boundary, he knew and agreed to the boundary, and then went and violated it. And then he says it’s no big deal. Meaning, he’s not respecting her or the boundary. The key in the marriage needs to be communication and he went behind her back and is now dismissive of her needs. To me, that highlights a much larger issue than the porn itself.

Her wanting divorce over him watching porn...they must be having more issues than just that. Talk to her about what their M is like these days. Or suggest they get some MC.

Her wanting divorce over him watching porn...they must be having more issues than just that.

Not necessarily. Some people are fundamentally opposed to such things. There is no room for it in their lives or their Ms. Nothing wrong with that. There is a lot wrong with the porn industry.

And, obviously, there are other issues. The bigger issue is that the H doesn't respect his W. He is deceitful, dishonest, and a liar. When confronted with something that is important to his W, he is dismissive. He is putting his personal pleasure before his W's need for safety in the M.

[This message edited by cocoplus5nuts at 10:32 AM, December 26th (Thursday)]

If that’s her boundary then that’s what it is. He should respect her and her boundaries and if he can’t, they will never make it.

I personally don’t care if we watch it together. But I prefer if he didn’t watch it alone.

I think it’s a very reasonable boundary.

Among MacDonald’s potential indicators for potential cheaters (I’m not a big believer in predisposition but this is anecdotally true for me) is an early exposure to pornography. For me seeing that and understanding that an emotionally distant father presumably had a reaction to this stimulus, I built a false equivalence in sexual availability and love. And consequently I acutely felt rejected when my BW wasn’t in synch with me.

Especially galling is the fact that her drive was consistently fairly high, and consequently those times were relatively few. But that was the resentment that I nursed, and a big feeder was that heinously false narrative from this stuff that everyone’s always in the mood.

Sounds like more of a last straw than the single straw if they've struggled with ups and downs this long. But you'd think that counseling would be the step for an infraction like this... why is he being secretive? Was she clear with the boundaries and that this was one? Does he have a problem like an addiction to it?

Like any boundary it's critical for the wayward to respect it, but it's not clear here that she set it as a line to cross.

Is it possible that it's not just the porn but the type of porn? While checking the internet logs for the kids, I recently discovered my wife has sought out some very strange pornography. Things that have never been uttered in our marriage.

I noticed a change once the porn habit started. He treated me differently. I didn't like that. It pushed me away. I think he chased AP because she would do anything anywhere like his porn and porn manga.

We all know about what a brain on porn is. It's not the same as being with a real person and there's no intimacy. Also it's unrealistic and the actresses are putting on a show.

I want an end to the enslavement of people who are trapped and drugged and raped and abused. No one should take pleasure from suffering. I am angry every time I hear someone defend it. It's not harmless.

I’m with you pureheartkit - my feeling is it is definitely not harmless fun.

I guess if you just can’t help yourself seek out feminist porn, as at least there is some sort of assurance people aren’t being trafficked or abused. but even that I don’t like. And how would you really know anyway?

I think the biggest for me is it just totally commodifies and objectifies people at what I consider vulnerable and hopefully special moments, it debases. I have watched it before, thought it was what I “should” do to be a truly empowered woman (lol) or some Cosmo bullshit like that, but it just made me feel bad. I stopped a long time ago. My husband also stopped. We decided it isn’t ok, doesn’t help us view fellow humans in a good/wholesome way, and damages too much that I can’t even state.

I’ve said it before but I really value Rav Gavrieli’s take on it, in a ted talk. Find it on YouTube.

There are many studies about its negative impact on relationship satisfaction, men’s commitment to their partner, and other stuff, expectations etc. It also can recalibrate what it takes to “get off” so you need more and more (and some people turn to greater increments of violent or otherwise “transgressive” porn that hurts people).

Also kind of a tangent but, I am bothered by the hypocrisy of so many who get off on it yet also don’t accept it in other ways. Does that mean it is really right to you, in your heart? For instance, sooo many watch porn who wouldn’t be caught dead in a porn. They wouldn’t support their kids acting in a porn so why do they think it is ok to support it? There is a reason there.

Anyway - more to the point of the thread, I think it is especially harmful if a wayward partakes given their background. It is just digging in and further fantasizing about other real life people. In a way that is totally different from say, reading a romance or erotic story. We live what we rehearse mentally....is that a good thing to rehearse? Also, If it isn’t ok in your relationship then it isn’t ok, and it is definitely something worthy breaking up over as there is a type of sexual violation and betrayal in viewing it.

[This message edited by Justsomelady at 12:53 PM, December 27th (Friday)]

For her, this is a red-line and she says she wants a divorce. He says it’s no big deal.

hdybrh, I take this to me they have talked about it. She told him she doesn't like, doesn't want him watching it. He said it's no big deal, and, presumably, that he won't stop. So, she said she wants a D.

I got into this discussion with a friend if mine. It was very interesting as he has struggled with porn use. In his journey, he came across some information on porn use as a replacement for intimacy in people's lives. In fact, he how so far as to consider all addictive behaviors as a search for intimacy. Anyway, food for thought.

Her wanting divorce over him watching porn...they must be having more issues than just that. Talk to her about what their M is like these days. Or suggest they get some MC.

Nope - I had no issues with it - thought it was normal (curiosity...the modern day version of porn magazines, we even watched porn together if it was something that interested me...etc) Then D Day came along - he was watching porn alone all during his LTA /// So yeah it's a problem now - if I found porn on his history = it would be a major red flag or trigger ... that was what i generously gave him the last five years to figure out (IC and tons of reading on his part - he admittedly sought out porn because he seeked to dehumanize women.) Five years out and this would absolutely be a deal breaker for me. Yes I love him, 31 years married, 3 living adult children, one passed. Yup - been through so much that I know I'd be fine without him...so wished for the fairy-tale ending but if he were back to watching porn at this stage of the game - I'd be like GTFO.

thank you JustsomeLady ... (Rav Gavrieli)

If that was her boundary - assuming it was a clearly defined one - he violated it and was well aware of the consequences.

Which also means he deliberately screwed over his own children as well as his wife and did not give one flying dog about doing so.

They’ve been up and down since then, but she recently caught him watching porn. For her, this is a red-line and she says she wants a divorce

If this is a boundary she set with him, and he violated it, then i don't any problem whatsoever.

If this is a boundary she kept to herself, then she is entitled to do what she wants. But i can understand his confusion. Still. He cheated and she can want out when she wants.

Ibe read studies that have found porn watching to be damaging. Others have found different results. I despise porn but if others like it, fine. I don't think it matters if the porn is feminist made or not. More, how are the performers paid? How are they recruited? Are the performers into it? How do performers who no longer work there view the experience?

LLXC - per your questions about consideration for the performers’ pay and work conditions- that is what I was getting at w the feminist porn, which purports to be about this too ( not just egalitarian and supposedly empowering imagery and “stories” of women). I still don’t like it but seems better than some random company that totally exploits w no consideration etc.

[This message edited by Justsomelady at 7:05 AM, December 30th (Monday)]

he how so far as to consider all addictive behaviors as a search for intimacy.

The antidote to addiction is connection. That's why groups like AA work.

that is what I was getting at w the feminist porn, which purports to be about this too ( not just egalitarian and supposedly empowering imagery and “stories” of women

I wasn't clear. I apologise. I think all feminist companies pay fairly - though i am cynical enough to think that some "feminist" companies exploit the word. I do think there are non-feminizt companies that treat their employees well.

I think this is complicated af. Jon Ronson did this great podcast about porn and it was interesting. Some of the women love it. Some are taken advantage. Comolicated.