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I signed the divorce complaint with my lawyer, it was filed to the court house and then told my WW that she should be expecting a certified letter that she must sign for. That was two weeks ago. For reasons that aren't pertinent to the story, the letter has yet to come...but it will be in the next day or two. I have been working the 180 pretty consistently but being in the same house still softens me up a little from time to time.

She was devastated when I told her that I filed for divorce. She started crying and slowly but surely she transitioned the conversation to her being the victim and pointed out how hard she's been working and how much she has changed. I would have been convinced if I hadn't gone through almost three years of hell since the beginning of her affair.

I told her during that conversation that I was done trying to fix our marriage. I will no longer carry the burden of her affair. It was her turn to pick it up and do the hard work. Her reply was "Tell me what you want me to do!". I reiterated and reminded her what I told her last May, " I need you to exhaust all of your resources to research, learn and implement ways on how to earn my trust again.Up to this point the only thing that's been exhausted is me." That received a blank stare and and a restated version of how hard she is trying and how much her IC is helping her. She has been kind, loving, helpful and chatty but no change or attempts of rebuilding trust. Total 180 from me. Not unpleasant or unkind but devoid of emotions.

That conversation got interrupted by DD's coming down for breakfast. Since then there has been no mention of the divorce until this morning.

She asked if we could be intimate sometime soon since it's been a while. In 2019 we had sex a total of five times...five. Not by my choosing, hers. The last time was late July or early August. By now, the need and desire for a release is there but it is strictly the biological design of my unused "wedding tackle". I still get turned on by catching a glimpse of her body but I can't bring myself to, well you know.

This morning I reminded her that the certified letter for the divorce complaint is still on its way. The look of disbelief and tears that followed were exactly what I expected. She slowly became the victim again and told me that she is so afraid to approach me about working on "us" because I always make her feel bad about herself and make her cry. She feels so much better about herself now but I always always push her back into sadness.

It really does break my heart to end this marriage after 25 years but I know it isnt my fault. End of rant. Just had to throw this out there before I go to work. Thanks for being here to...er....listen?

Apparently she never considered how terrible you might feel approaching her after her actions.

What is your goal by bringing up the D notification that is coming? Are you hoping she will start to do the work? Or are you angry and you are trying to upset her?

I ask this because if you have reached this stage, I would suggest that you continue to focus on healing yourself. She is not going to help and is not going to do the work. I think you would be better off sticking to the 180. I know that it is hard to give up the last bit of hope (I went through similar things), but put the hope in yourself.

Wow this is a familiar tune. I like your phrase of the only thing exhausted is you.

My WW also tries to tell me how hard things are for her ---- while never ending the affair (she simply couldn't). And me reacting and talking about it made her feel sad and depressed. It was an on/off multi year LTA.

I'd be careful with her advances. I've read from time to time that could be used against you (e.g. you've forgiven her or whatever).

Even if not, it might be her attempt to keep you and stop what's coming. I wouldn't be surprised that she fears being alone and her world changing forever (I guess who wouldn't, but she sounds like my WW a bit who cannot be alone and requires constant stimulation which was a leading contributor to her affair IMO)

She’s stuck in a rut. She believed you would never D her.

She now wants to have sex? Seriously - she thinks this is the solution?!

Sorry it had to come to this.

Tigers,

My WW avoids conflict at all cost. I initially told her that I filed and the paperwork is coming as an act of compassion so she wouldn't be blind sided like I was when she was giving the goods to another man.

To answer your question, I am neither hoping or angry.

The reason I mentioned the divorce this morning had nothing to do with anger, it was because she wanted to make plans for me to be intimate with her. The divorce complaint was not served to her last week when it was originally scheduled, her attempts at love bombing has increased significantly.

I have set no expectations on her. I gave up hope on her doing the work. I can't control her actions nor will I try to manipulate her. I told her what my needs are and she he is not meeting them. I need to trust her and she is offering me sex. That's not a healthy trade off.

There was a time where I was trying to control the outcome, it was disastrous and humiliating.

I am taking care of me, setting expectations for myself and hope to hell the future is brighter than the last 11 years.

Shattered,

I have no proof of her ending the affair other than her word and constant promises. She never gave me access to her social media or her emails. She told me her IC said there was surely some sort of compromise we can agree on to mitigate my "constant monitoring" of her. I asked, she said no. I can't force her to do anything she isn't willing to do. I however, can divorce her.

As far as sex goes, my lawyer said it doesn't matter in my state. An "at fault" divorce is not cost effective anyway. The only time an at fault divorce would benefit someone is if they had thou$ands to burn and million$ at stake. I have hundreds to spend and my sanity at stake. Good luck to you brother!

1st Wife,

She is stuck in a rut. I really do feel bad for her and the muddled world she lives in. She won't ever be able to come to terms with the fact that this is her fault. Not because that she is sooooo evil (don't get me wrong, there is evil in there) but she is broken. She wont have the courage to dig deep enough to find the brokenness. She can forget it happened and bury it as far down as she can so it doesn't hurt. That's why I need to go.

3rdStrike,

Good for you bro. That victim mentality gets old quick doesn't it? They caused all this drama and mess, but yet, they're the victim. Anti-confrontational or not, once you've been caught, its time to man up and do the work. The fact that this is her 3rd rodeo, and she's still not giving you the access to her accounts shows that she has more to hide, or that she wants to continue doing stuff on the side.

That's what these people do. They try to blame you for the affair. You make her feel bad, its not her actions that make her feel bad, its you, 3rdStrike, the big bad wolf who never cheated on his wife. 3 times no less.

You're doing the right thing. Reality or not, its no longer your problem. Right now, your problem is wrapping up the D, and taking good care of the DDs. On that front, I'd also sit down with them as teenagers and have an honest talk with them about whats happening. Don't leave it to your ex to play victim and turn your DDs on you. They will be upset already about the D, you don't want them being lied to. Sit them down, with your ex if you want and lay it out there.

Good for you 3rdstrike on focusing on yourself. I hope it works out for you in the end.

She is stuck in a rut. I really do feel bad for her and the muddled world she lives in. She won't ever be able to come to terms with the fact that this is her fault. Not because that she is sooooo evil (don't get me wrong, there is evil in there) but she is broken. She wont have the courage to dig deep enough to find the brokenness. She can forget it happened and bury it as far down as she can so it doesn't hurt. That's why I need to go

Your words made me think of WW. I think she'll just bury it deep too and try to forget about it. At some level it makes me feel very sad, because I know how her life is full of stress and anxiety. I wish to make it better for both of us, but I can't control what she does and her actions have destroyed me. It's like getting pulled down by a drowning swimmer, at some point you have to save yourself.

While I would love to hear her relationship with the AP didn't work out in the future, deep down I'm worried I might hear she hurt herself or committed suicide. Life didn't have to be this way...whatever is broken in her just makes her life harder for her, nothing is enough. She is still feeling depressed now being with the AP full time since November and not having much contact with me.

BTW, if she was sexually unavailable and you don't even know if she's continued her affair, IMO most likely she has in some way or form. My WW was literally swearing to god to me for the first half of 2019 she didn't have sex with the AP when we were separated summer 2018...all the while having sex with him in the present (they started up again in Jan 2019).

It was one hell of an omission. WTF demanding to know if it went that far to PIV also includes right f-ing now!

[This message edited by ShatteredSakura at 12:13 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)]

HalfTime,

You are spot on with everything you said. I have those days of doubt though, maybe it was something I did. Well, that doesn't last too damn long! Fleeting moments of me wishing things could be different. Everything is about the DD's now. It's going to be a long hard road with them. WW has really been amping up her "good mom" game in the last few months. I have a feeling I will be the bad guy for quite a while because of this. Thanks for posting your support. Every little bit helps.

Shattered,

It makes us sad because they aren't who we thought they or wanted them to be. I was down in the dumps for a long time because I really thought it was about me. I thought, if the love of my life doesn't love me as much as I love her, WTF is wrong with me?! My life is over! It took a long time for me to shake that bullshit off. I am no longer defined by anyone or their opinion of me. (maybe my daughters still) I still do love my wife, I will miss the good times, I hope her the best...as long as it's from a distance. I let go of the resentment because of our kids. We will have to endure each others company for many years to come.

" I need you to exhaust all of your resources to research, learn and implement ways on how to earn my trust again.Up to this point the only thing that's been exhausted is me."

^^^ I can't love this enough. Why is it so hard for these WS's to be introspective?

My STBX has been saying similar things even to the point of saying that I am choosing not to look at how hard he has been working on the M. Prior to me deciding to separate he was sleeping in another room and giving me the silent treatment how is that working on the M?

It's been 8 years since D-Day 2 and 6 years from False R and I have yet to see my STBX do the research on his own and do the hard work. Really all he has to do is Google it. He would rather manipulate though

It's interesting how they act like the victim when shit gets real. It's a manipulative tactic.

CrazyB,

I am pretty sure our WS's were separated at birth.

Her favorite line is "You may not see it but I have made a lot of positive changes. I think I have done really good lately."

My wife is a manipulator but I would swear on a stack of bibles and wager her soul that she doesn't realize she is doing it. It's got to be some deep seated defense mechanism the protects them from seeing how truly broken they are. Thanks for posting, I follow your posts pretty regularly but usually keep to myself.

Her favorite line is "You may not see it but I have made a lot of positive changes. I think I have done really good lately."

That gave me a good chuckle. My STBX loves to bolster himself too Talks about how he is working hard and he is such a good person

Separated at birth, twins, belong to the same club...I see (and say myself) that a lot reading people's stories on here lol.

I'm also sad because I know she can be better, I've seen it. She spiraled into depression during all of this. It made me feel helpless at times, among other things, watching it happen.

I also got a lot of "you don't know how hard this is for me too" or the likes. Or that I didn't appreciate how much she tried. She's the one who doesn't know how hard it is. And I'm sorry, but "trying to stop" and remaining in an affair with another man, what do you expect?

"I need you to exhaust all of your resources to research, learn and implement ways on how to earn my trust again. Up to this point the only thing that's been exhausted is me."

Again, I really do like this line. I'm going to tuck it away in case it comes up in any future conversations. A few times now she has talked about "reconnecting" but the trust isn't there, and going on a date while she's still seeing the AP isn't going to help with that. I'm not a very concise person, so I like your phrasing.

[This message edited by ShatteredSakura at 1:57 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)]

3rd, the tears are a bit moving. I've come to the conclusion these folks can't be fixed and yet they do experience genuine pain in their broken brains over what they lose - even if they never demonstrated valuing it all that much.

My STBX is also "working so hard" yet doing nothing I've asked and I'm pretty sure still horsing around. When my head is clear, I pity him - he's causing his own grief and he always will. He'll never get it or fix it.

I was also thinking of giving him a heads up before papers are served for the same reasons as yours - I get no glee from blindsiding him even after all he's done. Reading your story, I'm thinking decency is kind of lost on them. They want what they want on their terms. Our decency doesn't register, because they ultimately aren't getting their way.

Isn't it a shame that the person we all thought was so special and put on a pedestal is nothing more than a run of the mill, cookie cutter, straight from the can cheater? It's amazing to me how cheaters are the same all over the world. Granted, some mo fo's are crazier than others but they all suffer the same symptoms like it's a communicable disease.

Skeeter,

I follow your threads pretty closely too. There are times I wish I could reach through the computer and give you a hug because I feel like it was me typing your posts.

Before I told my WW about my intentions, I made sure I signed the documents and the lawyer submitted them to the court house. I also told everybody I work with that I was filing for divorce so I wouldn't chicken out at the last minute. Just like being on here, there is strength in numbers. Everyone I work with was shocked that I was going through what I'm going through. Flabbergasted is an understatement. I have a lot of support and understanding from them and all of you! Whew!

I like your strategy of telling people so you follow through. That's definitely keeping me honest as well. If I went in for another ass-kicking every friend I have would disown me. But, it was so hard telling some folks - colleagues and shared friends. They were also completely shocked. People thought we were the golden couple. What a joke.

Cheaters truly are uncannily similar - like they all descended from aliens. It sucks the person I planned on growing old with is an effing irredeemable, cyborg weasel. Didn't see that coming.

I follow your posts too. I admire the way you're handling this with your children. They are lucky to have you.

You've been heard, and I get it.

What is your plan for talking to your DDs? I see in your sig line they know nothing of the A. Do they know about the impending D?

As teens, you need to talk to them and be honest with them. They will resent you down the road if you aren't honest (not talking about gory details).