SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is my first post. I cannot wake from this nightmare! I need help in understanding why men might be obsessed in acting out this type of sexual behavior. Please share if you can relate to my situation as described below.

On 2/15/20 I was blindsided by the infidelity of H (age 62), having sexual affair with another woman (age 61), which he had been chatting with on a swinger site. H explained that he was acting out a Cuckolding fantasy. He created a separate life over the past year, in which to act out this kinky sexual fantasy, to the degree that he pretended this other woman was his wife. I am in shock and struggling to get thru this, now 21 days into the exposure of this nightmare. In 42 years I expected that he might have cheated but I never expected I would find our relationship in the place we are today. I cannot comprehend how he would choose to risk our marriage of 42 years, especially at his age of 62 and me at 59, all, as he put it, to ”try” a kinky sexual fantasy! He had asked in the past, if I would play along with his pretend fantasy when we had sex. I agreed to play along, not that it would be my preference, but because he asked and I thought it would make him happy. Little did I know, he was actively acting out that same fantasy with the other woman, which had morphed into a full blown sexual act of Cuckolding, to include another man. He said he didn’t mean to hurt me. He didn’t think I would find out what was going on. When He was exposed, I asked if he had planned to stop this and he said he had not thought about ending it. The facts I have been able to dig up show that he started with cyber sex chats in 2009, moved to physical sexual encounters in 2012, including 1 threesome relationship, which he described as only an occasional hook up, once a year from 2012 - 2017, followed by a second bi-relationship once a month lasting 4months, followed by this recent 2019 sexual Cuckolding relationship, with monthly to bi-monthly hook ups, lasting a full year. When I confronted him, at first he wouldn’t tell me anything about the latest affair, and at that point I knew nothing about the other two relationships he had between 2012-2017. After meeting with a counselor, he slowly began to share all of the details with me.

H does not want me to leave or get divorced. He said he is deeply sorry. He is going fir counseling along with me, as well as having separate sessions on his own. My mind is blown! My heart is broken!

Does this appear to be a case of sex addiction?

Has anyone experienced this situation i shared regarding cuckholding scenario?

Sounds like he is a sex addict to me.

Why call it sex addiction? It's infidelity, for sure, but I don't know how to characterize it other than with your description. It looks to me as if your H had some sexual desires that - read on, I'm not blaming you, just describing - you weren't comfortable with, and instead of dealing with his own problems over that, he cheated. He is the problem, not you.

I understand he wants to stay M. What counts now is what you want. Do you want to stay? Would you stay if he meets certain requirements?

I expect you're in emotional shock right now. I expect you're inundated with feelings (of one or more) of grief, anger, fear, and/or shame. I expect your thoughts go every which way so quickly that you can't catch them and really think things through. These sorts of things are pretty normal.

You're not in any shape to make good decisions for yourself ... so wait until your mind settles down. It won;t settle overnight, but you will start thinking clearly again. A good IC can help you process your feelings and settle your mind, if you want help.

I urge you to drink a lot of water every day. Eat and sleep when you can. Move your body. let your mind work towards the solution you want - don't try to force it.

I suggest reading in the Healing Library - https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq.asp.

I also suggest reading https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=324250. If it makes sense to you, print it off for your H to read. Cut off the Internet address info if you can. IOW, don't tell your H you're a member here; keep SI for yourself.

Recovering from being betrayed takes a lot longer than anyone wants it to take, but if you process your feelings and move towards what you want (and what is attainable), you will survive and thrive.

[This message edited by sisoon at 8:27 AM, March 7th (Saturday)]

My FWH is an SA. The progression of the sexual deviance sounds very much like sex addiction. There are good Youtube interviews by Dr. Patrick Carnes, who is the leading expert on SA. There is a quesionnnaire on the SAA website and more information about sex addiction. Your husband should see a certified sex addictions counselor to get an accurate diagnosis. If he IS an SA, then it is a long, hard road to wellness for him to be a safe partner for you.

Sobriety from addiction is a lifelong process. It is a lifetime commitment. In order for the vast majority of addicts to find meaningful sobriety, they must hit "bottom". "Bottom" refers to a time or an event in life that causes an addict to reach the lowest possible point in their disease. It is a time when the person feels like things cannot get worse for them. This is when most of us reach out for help and take it seriously. My husband is an SA. These are the long term actions he takes to stay safe for me - implemented and maintained by HIM, not me.

1. 12 step recovery. 90 meetings in 90 days at first and then ongoing meetings EVERY WEEK.

2. He has a sponsor who he talks to WEEKLY and he works the 12 steps EVERY DAY.

3. He attends counseling EVERY WEEK with a certified sex addictions counselor.

4. He reads suggested literature and takes all suggestions from his sponsor and counselor.

5. He abstains from masturbation (unless I am there) and any porn or stimulating sexual content (my FWH believes these are triggers for him). I installed a key logger, so that I can monitor his internet use.

6. ALL electronics are open to my perusal, ANY time.

7. He helps other men in crisis, which alleviates the shame.

I am a recovering alcoholic - 22 years sober. We like to say that we get a daily reprieve from our disease. This means that we must continuously commit to a program of recovery...on the daily.

Gently, be ready. If your husband is an SA then his current promises are most likely addict bullshit. His ACTIONS will tell you whether he is a safe partner for you. I am not saying that addicts do not feel bad and filled with shame in the moment, but these feelings fade as soon as they are off the hot seat and then they are back into the addictive behaviors. If he is really interested in getting sober and maintaining a healthy lifestyle, then you will see the above referenced ACTIONS happening consistently in the LONG TERM. He thinks that he can engage in his addiction, cry remorse when caught and then go back to his life again. This pattern will not change unless he gets to the point that is unbearable for HIM. I am sorry to say that you will not help him get to this point if you accept his addict BS and continue to be there for him. He is showing you who he is and you need to take that seriously. You also need to stop believing him. He has been continuously lying to you and I would bet that he will continue to lie about the sexual activity he engages in. Sex addicts are all about stimulation.

My recommendation for you is S-anon or al-anon. It will help you understand the addiction and what it means for you. It will also help you detach from the destruction that living with a using addict will bring into your life.

I believe 12-step recovery, in addition to counseling by someone who understands SA, is the only way to deal with sex addiction. This may or may not work, depending on your husband’s level of commitment for the long term. He will need to go to meeting for the rest of his life to stay sober. If he engages in the process of recovery, it is really rewarding. Sober and recovering folks with some clean time are some of the best around. Know that you cannot make this decision for him. He must do it on his own. He must help himself. If he is unwilling to engage in the above referenced steps, know this: All addictions progress. if he has not found his bottom yet, the bottom will be really ugly. As you have discovered, life with a using addict is living in awful, unrelenting chaos. You do not need to live your life this way.

Other than cheating, how is this sexually deviant? Sexual deviance, as I understand it, is something unnatural, like beastiality or pedophilia. This guy looks like a run of the mill cheater to me.

At the end of the day, as sisoon has said, it doesn't matter if he has a sex addiction. All that matters is that he cheated.

What do you want? What will you do about it?

Expose the hell out his affair partners all of them do not warn or threaten, especially do not tell your WH.

Get tested for STDs.

Sexual Deviance: A condition, such as exhibitionism or masochism, in which sexual gratification is derived from activities or fantasies that are generally regarded as atypical or deviant.

I think the cuckolding applies here but the point is taken. There still is a progression which shows a pattern of needing increased sexual stimulation - classic SA. As I said in my post, he needs to see a CSAT to get a diagnosis.

I agree that it is cheating, bottom line, but I think that it DOES matter if there is a sex addiction. As this addiction makes it even more likely of repeated infidelity and dangers to the BS' health (mental and physical), as well as increased legal implications, it is better to know the truth of the situation and understand the ramifications of living with a sex addict than assuming that the strategies for dealing with a non-SA will be successful. A BS who expends time and energy to try to R, only to discover later on down the line that they are dealing with a SA, is in for even more pain and misery than originally thought. SAs need to engage in additional resources to become marginally safe for their partners. To me, it is better to know what you are dealing with so that you can make informed choices.

Addictions are not stagnant. They move, morph, into more.

Alcoholics start out with a few. If they can’t stop they wind up in a field, naked, with no teeth. It happens

Drug addicts wind up stealing from their families, prostituting, etc.

Gamblers start out with poker with friends and wind up in jail for stealing thousands from employers.

Sex addiction is no different. It ratchets up. Where would your husband be? Living with an incurable disease and more.

Addictions are all alike. They hijack the brain.

HellDay - first, I am so sorry that you have cause to find yourself here

I think it is too early for joint (marital) counseling (MC). You can't heal a marriage with a broken partner. You should both be in individual counseling (IC).

As sisoon said, it is too soon to make any important decisions about the future. Things are going to have to calm down for you to have any clarity, and that is going to take work and time.

It doesn't matter what his fantasies are. What matters is that he went outside of the M behind your back.

Keep posting, I hope it will help you.

((((HellDay))))

There are only two people that should determine if your husband is a sex addict OP, either your husband and/or a CSAT.

Get 20 sex addicts in a room, and they all act out in 20 different ways.

My husband has been an active sex addict since his late teens. We're now in our mid 40s...His addiction is "limited" to porn and compulsive masturbation.

Not every cheater is a sex addict. Not ever sex addict is a cheater. An interest in non-vanilla sex is not one of the diagnostics a CSAT will use to diagnose your husband. And sex addicts can also really only indulge in vanilla sex.

Thank you all for your feedback. I can see I have a lot to think thru on my end.

Doesn't sound like sex addiction to me. It just sounds like acting out a kink in an unhealthy way- by cheating instead of being honest.

Did he ever ask you to cuckold him? Open and honest communication? It's a very common fetish. But it's never okay to cheat.

cyber sex chats in 2009, moved to physical sexual encounters in 2012, including 1 threesome relationship, which he described as only an occasional hook up, once a year from 2012 - 2017, followed by a second bi-relationship once a month lasting 4months, followed by this recent 2019 sexual Cuckolding relationship, with monthly to bi-monthly hook ups, lasting a full year.

Not the content of the fantasies, the progression into more and more "stimulating" activities. This, according to my husband's CSAT, has the markings of a sexual addiction. Your husband can self-diagnose (although there are those who use sex addiction as a rationalization for cheating or to get out of the hot seat (they are "sick", when they are not) or a CSAT can diagnose him as I said in my earlier post. The bottom line is that the BS is suffering and needs the full truth of who and what her husband is in order to make informed decisions. He may NOT be an addict or he MAY be an addict. The reason I bring this up is that there are things that an addict has to do that are above and beyond what the garden variety cheater needs to do to be a safe partner.

Get 20 sex addicts in a room, and they all act out in 20 different ways.

But one thing is certain, they are lying to you, to themselves and to their IC at least at first. Denial is the strongest instinct in an addict's life.

Sex addiction is compulsive behavior to soothe broken people. And while many of us use other things to self soothe, few of us hurt our spouses to the degree that sex addiction does.

It's complicated too. Educating yourself about some of the complications can help you understand what has happened and why.

NO ONE can heal him except him. Not only does he have to choose to get healthy, he'll have to work very hard, for the rest of his life, with NO let up. My H has been working towards sobriety and recovery for 10 years. He's had MANY relapses, one that lasted for years until I found out, and several since then. His slips were with porn and near porn. Each time it happens I am devastated. I will absolutely leave if I find out he's interacting with live women in any way, I reserve the right to leave anyway. At 66 it's hard to do but I will do it.

My point is that this is 1) a complicated addiction with high rate of recidivism 2) is devastating to the spouse no matter what form it takes 3) requires you to practice self care and detach from him until he proves he's safe. Early recovery is one step forward, two back and completely unfair to the spouse who is left at home while the addict works at meetings at therapy, etc. Find support for yourself.

Your husband may NOT be an addict but a person with sexual preferences that don't match yours. He can use one of the many screening questionnaires as a starting point and then go to an SA meeting (I don't recommend SAA).

But you'll have to set boundaries. Say "I won't be in a marriage with more than you and me and I'll leave (or sleep in a separate bedroom, or any other consequence that seems to fit)

You have to decide what you'll accept and what you can't. Living with an active addict is soul crushing.

I also sent you a Private Message

Lionne- thank you. I will look for your PM.

My husband has a long history of online deviant behavior. I first caught him with online chat and sex...now I realize it was a whole lot more than interactive playboy. He developed a bond with these woman....boy do i know the meaning of rug sweeping now.

Then the OW came into his life with a friendly email "happy birthday to my old boyfriend" It didnt take much for my FWH to get his pee pee ready and willing for the next level of cheating.

Once he decided our marriage was destroyed by sexual intercourse cheating, although he never once even hinted that our marriage was in trouble or "over" for the 3 years of cheating until I caught him, he also went off the rails with internet searches.

I have to say the cuckolding website was the most hurtful. He also searched and email 100's of craigslist ads, hourly hotels, sex clubs, 3-somes, meet up poly group, which BTW he said they were all fantasy and he NEVER acted on any of them. Ummhumm, Ill never know the truth. But the searches point to behavior. He erased all his maps so I can never trace back if he went to any of those places. Paper trail...nope. Cash pays for the above quite nicely.

How did I find this information? He forgot to erase his chrome searches used on his phone. Everything else was erased.

Advice...get key loggers immediately and in secret. Put them on all of his devices. Get cameras in the house that he doesn't know exist. (that's how I caught my husband...although my cameras were innocent, they were to see if the dog walker was coming to I never mentioned them to my husband) Get a tracking device NOW and put it in his car.

This way going forward you can see if he is in recovery.

Sorry, I know how hurtful this process can be. I'm 59 and my husband is 62. Its unbelievable. You think because of age we are way past IF. NOPE

Hi Ann1960,

Thanks for the tip on checking Chrome on his phone. My H erased all email but forgot to delete his contacts.

Alcoholics start out with a few. If they can’t stop they wind up in a field, naked, with no teeth. It happens

Drug addicts wind up stealing from their families, prostituting, etc.

Gamblers start out with poker with friends and wind up in jail for stealing thousands from employers.

These things can happen. That doesn't mean they will happen.

Cuckolding is when your partner sleeps with someone outside of the marriage. I guess I don't understand how if this is what your WH fantasized about, how would he get that from having an affair of his own? Pretending that he was married to the OW and her sleeping with another guy? Or just watching them have sex?

Fantasies are complicated, I get that. They often don't make sense to others so I guess that is all possible. But it does seem like it could also be a potential excuse for a straight up affair. Either way, as others have said, it is a betrayal and all the core actions apply to get out of infidelity.