SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Tomorrow marks 40 years of marriage, a marriage that was destroyed at the 7 year mark by an affair that lasted close to a year.

Every year I have trouble even picking out the card. At this significant year I’m really stumped as to how to inscribe it.

I feel like any husband crossing such an important date with his wife should be summarizing and trying to capture the essence of what his marriage means to him.

I’m blank. I cannot find the words.

I would forgo a card. Sounds like 33 years of hell.

I recommend writing from your heart. The way I do that is to search for quotes on the web - quotes that say what I want to say.

Get a blank card and write out what you want to say. Or, as Sisoon suggests add a quote that conveys what you want to say from your heart. Good luck.

I wouldn’t force it honestly. Either get a card that already has a saying and just sign it, or skip it completely. Either way, don’t beat yourself up over it.

Thank you for responding. Part of me wants to really put thought into it and carefully describe where I’m at. The truth of the matter is, where “we’re” at is a low frequency apathetic type of relationship that had to numb itself and/or dumb itself down to be able to continue on without possibly destroying the kids future and maybe even their outlook on us.

Not carrying on seemed like giving up as well. I don’t know how to say it any other way. Like stopping the football game after a serious personal foul. Especially at my young age thinking it might have been my fault to a certain degree.

All of this ^^^ malarkey represents a person who cheated and got away with not doing the work to fix it and an idiot not strong enough to demand that was how it needed to be.

The stakes were high and our kids would’ve had to pay the highest price.

IL,

Get her a notebook as a present to write down a timeline of the details of the rugswept affair.

Also an IOU for a polygraph.

Call up OMs Wife and expose him, if you have the energy pay him a visit.

Tell your kids about the affair you have no obligation to lie for your WWs reputation for all these years.

A one year affair is a long time.

I give WH cards that are blank inside and I don’t sign them

^^^^^Now that I like.

I’m not sure that I am clear about whether or not your children are aware of what happened.

If they are not aware, you have obviously chosen that you do not want them to be aware. If that is the case, you might want to think that whatever you write in the card will probably be found by them someday when they’re going through your things.

Whether or not this would bother you, of course, I cannot say.

If your marriage offers you any kind of connection or positivity, I would refer to that in someway in the card.

If you are just occupying the same house and have no degree of a marriage at all, I would forgo the card completely. And maybe just tell her happy anniversary.

Injured,

I'm assuming that the children you were protecting are grown and out of the household. After your children left, how did you feel at that point about an empty nest future with your wife? Was there hope? Despair?

I ask because there is a reason that you are still here. Whether it be based on fear, hope, or genuine feelings that you still possess, why not tell her? Why continue to suppress your feelings?

Why do you continue to stay. You come off as miserable. I hope I'm reading that wrong. Single life is soooo much better. I don't think I would have ever healed if I'd stayed with the troll fucker. Maybe of he had been remorseful I would have felt different, but cheating was always a dealbreaker.

She is unrepentant? For 33 years?

You are coming across as weak and codependent. That's no way to live.

Apparently you are in your 60s. I would suggest you retire from your marriage.

1.) Begin with the 180. Google, "The 180 For Hurt Spouses".

2.) Visit a lawyer to get a vision of what separation or divorce would look like.

3.) Suggest to your kids that they do an "Ancestry". It might reveal some surprises.

4.) Change your will.

Now I understand that you probably won't do this stuff, it sounds like you are conflict avoidant, but I think it would give your unrepentant spouse an idea of something bubbling beneath the surface.

Better yet, write out a card with an IOU from her perspective on a card, address it to you and open it in front of her. Sign it in her name how she usually does.

Then thank her for it and mention how you feel. Tell her you have been waiting for her to really get it for years.

Her reaction will tell you everything.

I struggle with this every year. It will be 38 years of marriage for us this year. 25 since I found out. (From someone else) years later. TT and lied to ever since. Young and immature with two small kids at the time. No job no money.

If I would have had this sight back then I don't think I would have stayed. I just usually sign it. I used to write a book before. He is finally getting it I think but so much time has passed. I'm no where near the person I used to be. Best of luck to you.

Injured Lion,

If this is how you feel at the 40 year mark

I’m blank. I cannot find the words

Then this is what you should inscribe in the card.

I've got another 5 years to think about this. I'm dreading the kids organising a party! FWW was seeing OP on our 20th. On our 25th we were in false R - she sent him photos of our holiday! I'm a slow learner, but by our 30th I declined to do anything.

I don't wear my wedding ring now. We still exchange cards but I get a blank one and I write something myself.

I found the best cards in the bereavement section! Of all places!

As you describe your post infidelity scenario, giving an anniversary card very likely reinforces that his rug-sweeping strategy has worked.

I've not sent an anniversary card in 30 years. It doesn't mean I am unhappy with my fWW or that I wish we were not together. But it is a ritual that I won't do and my fWW understands and never expects it. It is an anniversary of the vow. The vow would be the reason to celebrate. Without the vow to celebrate, it doesn't hold much meaning to me. My fWW and I have been together for 40 years, but the duration is not of much consequence to me, and neither are dates along the timeline. Having said that, I do understand why some, in certain circumstances, find celebrating dates satisfying or meaningful.

My thoughts on your circumstance is, don't feed the troll. Find your strength and demand what you deserve.