SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Monday the 20th of July, 2020

Happy Aloha Monday!

July 31,2020 will be 2 years since my divorce became final.

I’m doing well for the most part. I get sad and angry sometimes. Actually, more than I want to be.

How do you forgive? Do I have to?

October of 2019 I found out about my ex’s lifestyle of drugs and sex. Meth to be specific. I’m not that upset with the people he met after our divorce as I am with a friend of ours my ex had inappropriate relationship with. I always knew she was trouble (she got caught screwing another man while her husband was in another room...at her place of employment ). During our marriage she and he would text each other because her boyfriend played drums in our band and he didn’t have his own phones. Once she signed her text to my then husband as “naughty Natasha”. I refer to her now as Nasty Slutasha. Anyway, even after I asked my ex not to engage her he never did and still is her friend.

Why do I care? Well, he is trying to win my heart back. He is pityful. Homeless, jobless except for busking. No, I have no desire to be with him again but I do enjoy playing music and going on hikes with him. He is moving back to this mountain town I live in cause the city wasn’t kind to him and he made stupid decisions. His city friends are drama....sex, drugs with wannabes rock n roll stars and wasted groupies.

Anyway, my problem is I’m angry at him all the time. I try to be cordial but it’s so damn hard to let go of the past and move on.

And of course I’m a sucker cause I still am in contact with him.

I wish I can forgive him for my peace of mind. Oh and now he is all preachy to me proclaiming that by forgiving him I will see the light. Lol

I know I know I need to have no contact with him. The anger I have towards him and Slutasha is not good. Oh she even got the nerve to refer to me as his “bat shit crazy woman”.

She is a major alcoholic. The day her bf died from complications of being a alcoholic that night when friends went to her house to pay their respects she was making out with another guy.

Ok. I admit. My heart is still broken. I’m sorry for rambling on and on.

How do you forgive? Do I have to?

You do not have to but you should, if you can.

The opposite of love is not hate... the opposite of love is indifference.

I have forgiven my STBXW... I am no longer angry at her.

I do not share personal details with her unless it is absolutely required. It's a habit that I started two years ago when she and I separated and it has served me well.

Not sharing these details has insulated me from the pain/lying/betrayal/abuse... and it has shown her that I have moved on, which has hurt her tremendously (upon completion of our custody evaluation, the evaluator recommended that *she* see a therapist to help her get over the end of our relationship... the one that she destroyed with her lies and infidelity).

Last week, I officially moved into my girlfriend's house. I sent her a message, stating that as of July 15... my home address has changed and I gave her the address. No extra details of any kind.

Anyway, you can do it if you try. It takes practice. You will make mistakes along the way, but you will get better at it too.

Good luck and be well!

No need to. Just accept it happened( which I am sure you have) and, after a while, it may not bug you as much.

Probably helps seeing that he is so pathetic and how lucky you are to be rid of him.

It’s the unhealthy attachments that bring you pain and suffering and Anger.

Let him go... you’ve been divorced 2 years, hooray for you.

First forgive yourself for allowing him to be in life, longer than he deserved.

Forgive him, forget him. He will bring you nothing but more anger.

As for OW, she has her own inner demons to fight.

Have empathy for your ex, but there’s a saying, ‘some times God sends your ex back into your life, to test if you are still stupid’

You’re a smart woman, don’t let stupid back into your life, no matter how hard it is to say NO. 🙏🏼

The question of forgiving or not is a very personal choice. There is absolutely no right or wrong, only what's right for you. Some need to forgive to move forward and heal, others do not.

Personally, I do not need to forgive Xhole, and I never will. Ever. That does not mean I am stuck in anger or bitterness. Quite the contrary! What I have done is accept who he is and what he has done. I cannot go back and change any of it, and it is what it is.

Acceptance and, ultimately, indifference in my feelings for him are incredibly liberating for me. He could fall into a hot lava flow and I wouldn't bat an eye at the loss. I just don't care.

So think about what YOU need for yourself, and work toward that goal.

Leilehua, it sounds like you are only divorced in the legal sense. Otherwise, your relationship continues same as ever.

Think about that...

Well, I cannot say it any better than Phoenix did:

Personally, I do not need to forgive Xhole, and I never will. Ever. That does not mean I am stuck in anger or bitterness. Quite the contrary! What I have done is accept who he is and what he has done. I cannot go back and change any of it, and it is what it is.

Acceptance and, ultimately, indifference in my feelings for him are incredibly liberating for me. He could fall into a hot lava flow and I wouldn't bat an eye at the loss. I just don't care.

I am completely indifferent to him and what happened. When I think about what he did and how he treated me, it is just something that once happened to me -- without ANY emotional attachment to it.

I will never forget or forgive him. I am free.

Forgiveness feels like some kind of weird mind game that I'm supposed to play at this point. He's not in my life and I don't need to interact with him. There are facts. I loved and married someone who betrayed and traumatized me. I left him and moved on. I am no longer in pain or concerned with what he's doing with his life. He could have 12 whores all over him while he frantically smokes crack right at this second and I don't care. That isn't my problem. My only concern would be what that is doing to his mom, because I do care about her. Even when I'm here I'm mostly concerned with seeing if I can help anyone who has been through this. My job is to heal me now and I just don't quite see where forgiveness fits into that. I don't even know what it would mean. What would be the point? I see him for what he is now and that is something I wish to avoid.

So Leilehua, I'd suggest going no contact and striving for indifference more than I'd worry about this nebulous forgiveness thing.

I'd like to qualify my answer a bit because it seems like there is a difference of opinion between me and the excellent answers that came after mine.

Psychologists generally define forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness.

Or, to quote Frozen:

Let it go! Let it go!

You do not have to trust him. You do not have to like him. But, forgiveness, as I define it is to let go of the anger and bitterness.

Meaning, you can forgive but not forget.

[This message edited by barcher144 at 11:47 AM, July 21st (Tuesday)]

You do not have to trust him. You do not have to like him. But, forgiveness, as I define it is to let go of the anger and bitterness.

All good as long as I can still be appalled at his behavior, ha ha ha.

No, I have no desire to be with him again but I do enjoy playing music and going on hikes with him

I'm also a music person. Trust me, there are way healthier people for you to enjoy music and hiking with. You need to let him go. Honestly, for his sake as well as your sake. Maybe he will take a long hard look at his life if he truly loses you. By engaging, your may be enabling his behavior without realizing it.

As for forgiveness, I've always felt it is not up to me to forgive or not forgive. I've moved on and choose to be cordial because of our sons.

I wish you peace and love and music! You deserve it!

You've been heard.

Your ex sounds a lot like mine, right down to meth use and busking

For me, it wasn't a matter of forgiving him. I had to forgive myself for not being strong enough for years to finally leave. I had to forgive myself for not knowing better, for making choices based on info I had at that time, for still loving him.

Now, 6yrs later, I've forgiven him. Will never forget but I no longer use any mental energy on his woes because they are all self made. I'm only sad for my kids having an addict father.

I didn't try to forgive my ex. He wronged me, and I had no expectation that he would ever right that. So, I wrote it off, like a bad debt. The thing about bad debts, though, is to not loan more to that person because they are not good for the loan. By giving him space in your life, you are letting him hurt you again and again.

After years of separation (we were never married) and co-parenting, I think I have forgiven him. It doesn't mean I forget what he did, but it is in the past and doesn't hurt anymore. I can see ex and OW (yes, they are still together) and don't feel anything.

I don't think forgiveness can be forced. I think healing is required first and that anger is a part of that healing. The anger is your mind's signal to you to stop associating with someone who is still actively hurting you.

I also think your ex is compounding his sins by telling you that you should forgive him. What an asshat!

Have empathy for your ex, but there’s a saying, ‘some times God sends your ex back into your life, to test if you are still stupid’

This made me laugh harder than it should have. Very apropos.

Truly, I just don't see forgiveness as an option...yet. I really am trying. We've been married 24 years last December, she had a 6 month affair with poscow. We are 15 months out. I feel like I should...

I have not been able to forgive. Possibly because I still care about him. I have no idea why I care because he was a supreme cheat and liar. I hope to be able to forgive one day, for me not him.

I am better when contact is limited. So I suggest that you I stop talking to him. It is clearly impacting you.

I hope you have cut her from your life too.

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 11:06 AM, July 30th (Thursday)]

Leilehua

How do you forgive? Do I have to?

I think forgiveness is only possible if the person is truly remorseful. Otherwise it's hollow. As such I don't think you have to forgive. My ex has apologized several times but the reality is that she's sorry she got caught - she's not actually sorry for the damage she's done to me. So I have not forgiven her and I may never forgive her.

I am moving on from that though.

Why do I care? Well, he is trying to win my heart back. He is pityful. Homeless, jobless except for busking. No, I have no desire to be with him again but I do enjoy playing music and going on hikes with him. He is moving back to this mountain town I live in cause the city wasn’t kind to him and he made stupid decisions. His city friends are drama....sex, drugs with wannabes rock n roll stars and wasted groupies.

I think this is a mistake, I would not be doing this. It's just keeping the wound open, in my opinion.

Anyway, my problem is I’m angry at him all the time. I try to be cordial but it’s so damn hard to let go of the past and move on.

And of course I’m a sucker cause I still am in contact with him.

Could be just my read on it but I think him trying to win you back, the constant contact, and all that is what's keeping the wound open. You are constantly reminded of it - even if you have no desire to get back with him, it's there - in your face - a life that was lost. Granted you are much better off now.

I wish I can forgive him for my peace of mind. Oh and now he is all preachy to me proclaiming that by forgiving him I will see the light. Lol

He's not one I would take advice from. After all, he cheated on you. He wants you to forgive him for him, not for you.

Wednesday The 29th of July 2020

Tomorrow I will be celebrating two years of divorce.

Thank you. I love this support group that is filled with serious and humorous souls. Every advice, every thought each of you contributed I accept with sincere gratitude.

It hasn’t been easy but it is getting easier to completely walk away.

I went to a few sessions of divorce care a few years back even though I have not D'ed yet. They talked about forgiving and explained it perfectly. Something along the lines of forgiving is not condoning. I can't think of the exact word they used but it was a perfect explanation. It made perfect sense, because I have had issues with this concept as well. Maybe someone in recent divorce care would know the exact word/explanation used because I'm sure most divorce care programs are similar.

My thoughts are if something is making you angry it could affect your health. I just need to take my own advice. LOL

Wednesday the 5th of August

“Forgiveness is accepting that the past will not change.”

Well, something like that. This quote came up on one of my apps.

I think I’ve forgiven my ex for his betrayals but I definitely will not forget his lies, thieving and laziness. I also know he will not change no matter how much he acts like he is now Gadhdi or the Dali Lama.

I don’t hate him. I think I’m one of the fortunate ones that escaped the marriage unscathed financially and emotionally. Yeah, I get sad sometimes and a little embarrass what he did (though I shouldn’t be).

It’s getting easier and I’m not too critical of me.

Saturday the 29th of August, 2020.

Good morning SI friends,

Sigh...After reading my recent statement, I’ve come to accept that I did not escape the divorce unscathed emotionally. I feel damaged and hopeless. The betrayals from my Ex is overwhelming. Could it be because I heard he posted a sob story on Facebook implying suicide and received over 100 comments? People who doesn’t know what he did to me and friends who know what he did were so supportive of him even sending him money. Gushing that he is a very talented musician and not to give up. By the way, he is talented but I think he is on meth again. He has been unemployed since a long time. Even before Covid he hasn’t had a steady gig except for at a dive bar that paid him cash. Anyway, he ran out of gas and cried on fb no one cares so he is “signing out”.

A week prior to that post, he called me he is weak from starvation and has no gas money. So, guess what? I PayPal him some $$$. I spoke words of encouragement. His last voice message to me is he wants to get back with me. I have no desire to get back with him but it did make me feel wanted. That I do matter.

This week I learned that all the while he has been asking to get back with me he has been seeing another woman. A recovering drug addict but from the looks of it on fb, she seems to be back on something. (If my statement about drug addicts is insensitive I’m sorry)

There’s a part of me that wants to put it out in public what he did to his mom and me. The thousands of $$ he put on her credit card ($30k) to support his lifestyle. The multiple people he cheated with during our marriage. Oh, he still denies he cheated and that “sexting and sending nudes” is not cheating.

I want the pain to end. I want to stop grieving for him. I want to stop reliving the betrayals. Do I forgive him and move on? Or, do I not forgive him and still move on?

I want to meet someone to share life with, go on hikes in the mountains, hike around lakes, road trips to the desert....I want to leave that past behind and make new memories.

I’m not naive and know that no contact is the only way I’ll heal.

I didn’t cry this much in a long time. I thought I was strong but I feel so defeated.