Over the last few weeks the relationship has been going through a lot. With my wife's insistence, I quit a job that required me to have a smartphone. She made it clear that I should have done that without needing her to prompt me.
I found another job that just required me to stand at a door for 7 hours. It required a smartphone to clock in, so my wife would drive me, clock me in with her phone, and then pick me up. This job made her much more secure, as acting out at work was something I did often. This job made it impossible for me to do that.
When she would pick me up from work and ask how the day went, I would complain. Complain about my legs hurting from standing for 7 hours. Complaining about how boring it was. Later on, she told me she would have really liked to hear "You know honey, this job is kind of boring, but I'm so glad to have the opportunity to do something that brings you safety."
Obviously, I really dropped the ball there. I should know better at this point in our relationship.
Jobs aside, I have continued to act in ways that completely break down my wife. It brought out her trauma in full force and she has ended up crying and yelling hysterically the last few days. This has been 100% due to my lack of providing her any comfort for any of her feelings.
As I've mentioned before and as many people have mentioned (especially my wife), I know exactly what I'm supposed to do. I've read the books. I've read the posts. I've been in 12-Step through about 5 different sponsors.
But every single morning over the last week or so, I've walked into the bedroom and started a conversation with:
"Hey. How are you feeling?"
I obviously know exactly how she's feeling. She's feeling like garbage.
And the conversation ends up with more of me saying "I'm sorry" when she's told me she doesn't want apologies, just changed behavior. Then I offer explanations when she's also expressed she doesn't need explanations. And it goes on like that until she has to force me to leave the room.
I don't want to just ignore her. But what I keep doing isn't helpful, either. I know the problem is with me. She just wants comfort and consistency. All I manage to get out is "I'm sure that must be hard" or "I can see how painful that is" or "I know I've caused that pain". But she doesn't need validation at this point. She needs to know I'm all in, willing and able to do anything, and absolutely devoted to her.
I've been defensive as far as a few days ago. I've made nasty comments like "Is this fun for you?".
I've made arguments about things completely unrelated to the relationship, and then gotten increasingly stubborn about it, ending in me acting like a complete man-child.
I keep placing her in more and more agony every single day. And yet I continue to do the same things, as if I enjoy what I'm doing to her.
Seeing her hurting is unbearable. But I just stand there. Or offer her nothing useful.
I know posting here probably isn't going to change anything. Like I've said, I know all the things I'm supposed to be doing. But when it comes down to it, I just freeze. That's something I have to deal with on my own. No one can coach me into stopping that.
But I just wanted to post here to get out of my own head. I have to accept the fact that if I do not stop, all I will do is break her further until there is nothing left.