The1stWife,
I think you hit the reality phase.
I think you might be right.
He wasn’t always like that but suddenly he was someone I didn’t recognize in some way.
Mine, too. I think that's part of why it's so shocking. He never acted like that before.
It comes down to — can you forgive him for this? Can you reconcile knowing this? Think of his affair like an addiction. It explains so much.
I don't know :/. I want to...even after everything. He's doing most things "right" now, and I don't think his behavior during his affair is really indicative of who he is. But maybe I'm just kidding myself. I guess I just feel stuck between who I thought he was vs. who he showed me to be during his affair.
OwningItNow,
For some this is so very true. But it does not take into account the many waywards who cheated once a long time ago or cheated after many faithful years, so I don't think it's true for everyone.
I respectfully disagree. My husband was faithful for 14 years, and this was totally out of character for him — at least I thought it was. But I still think it's an entitlement problem, which is a character problem. He betrayed his own ideals as much as he betrayed me, but he still did it because he gave himself permission to.
A shitty childhood brings many varieties of fucked up to your life, and you won't get them all. Does someone get to pick? Geeze, so many good options to choose from. But no, since this fuckedupness lives and breathes in the dark crevices of your soul, you are often not even aware of how fucked up some of your thinking is. Do crazy people know they are crazy?
Again, I respectfully disagree. Yes, childhood trauma can result in a bunch of different brands of "fucked up," but no one is at the mercy of their trauma. We all have a choice in the matter.
Yes, someone might be more inclined toward alcoholism due to genetics or childhood trauma, but it's still their choice to take a drink.
I do agree that people often aren't aware of how fucked up their own thinking is. My husband is a great example of this, as is probably cheater in an affair.
I don't believe that he was consciously trying to manipulate me into an open marriage or was consciously using polyamory as an excuse.
I think, in his twisted mind, it just all fit. He had felt "restless" in the past (honestly, who hasn't?), so to him, it all fit that having multiple other romantic relationships was exactly what he had always been looking for.
And I honestly think (if he had thought about me at all) he thought if I could just find someone else, I'd be happy, too. Obviously, had he given it any deeper thought whatsoever, he would have seen how stupid and delusional that was, but he didn't. I doubt he thought about me at all though.
That should have been your first (and last) clue to leave this partnership. Healthy people don't ask us to prove our love when we have not done anything wrong. Why are you so addicted to him? Consider your own childhood.
I think what I am trying to drive home is that he knew I loved him and wanted him to be happy. I think he believed he was such hot shit that I would be grateful for any amount of attention or time he would give me, and that I would willingly open the marriage rather than leave as long as he was happy. Again, deluded thinking.
I'm not sure this makes him unique amongst cheaters.
I'm also not addicted to him. I'm conflicted about what to do, yes. Does staying make me a co-dependent weakling? Maybe.
sisoon,
Thank you. I know it wasn't really on me for trusting my husband and someone I thought was my friend, even if it makes me feel foolish.
He has been doing a lot right and says he really wants it to work and will do whatever it takes to make it work. I want to not be this angry and to let it go. The how is the hard part though.
LadyG,
I have no idea whether the relationship would have continued or not. Bitchface's husband found out, and he blew the whistle on it. My husband didn't confess or try to end it on his own. He cried to me about it after they ended it...gross.
I think it would have continued if everyone hadn't founded out, or if we would have given them our "permission" to be together like they were hoping. I think my husband wanted me around as a plan B, or so he could keep up a "normal" facade, have someone appropriate to take to the office holiday party, etc.
steadychevy, allusions, gmc94,
Yeah, "No Soliciting" isn't the book. I unknowingly broke an SI rule. Sorry about that.
EllieKMAS,
Sorry you had to go through that shit too. It's a mindfuck. It's insane how many cheaters say and do the exact same thing, all thinking that they're "enlightened" or some shit.
You'll get a kick out of this. When I asked him why he suddenly thought he was polyamorous, he told me "I just have too much love to give." ...WTF.
His other evidence? When he was 14, he had a crush on two girls.
Mind you - He had no job, contributed nothing to housework, was generally a useless sack of shit, so who would be bankrolling these dates? Yeah, his wife.
Yeah...I'm trying to come to terms with this. My husband has a job, a decent one in fact. But I make probably 65% of the household income, and we live in an expensive city. Without me, he wouldn't be able to afford to go to every concert in town (pre-covid), or to own 20 guitars and the finest recording equipment.
I wonder often if he's here for me or if he's here for the free ride.
I'm not ready to leave quite yet or for a full separation. However, I'm separating my finances finally. I don't really believe deep down he's with me for money, but I think it will be empowering to take back my financial freedom, and it will help me to stop doubting his motives I guess.
My husband has come around and now says he isn't poly and that he thought it was a rationalization that sounded good and fit. He wants to reconcile and now says wants monogamy. It's hard to know exactly what to believe though.
Anyways, thanks to everyone who read and responded.
I believe people can change, and I want to reconcile so badly. I'm so conflicted though. On one hand, I feel so betrayed and like he doesn't give a fuck about me or my feelings. But, on the other hand, he's here and acts so remorseful.
Plus, since he supposedly never did anything physical with her, I almost feel like I'm overreacting. Even people on SI have said emotional affairs are "laughable." Am I just a weak idiot?
But he did lie to me, and gaslight me, and emotionally manipulate me. He did spend time with this woman behind my back and told her he was in love with her. He did talk to her about opening our marriage, and hers. He did delete their all of their text message conversions and threw away his journal in the dumpster at work when I asked to read them. He did treat me like shit while he was seeing her, and was totally dismissive of my feelings.
Ugh. I don't know.
[This message edited by Joanna1013 at 12:21 PM, September 21st (Monday)]