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I’m almost 11 months from DDay, I’d love to say we’ve made more progress than we have but it’s been a hell of a roller coaster ride. A year ago I knew something was wrong but had no evidence other than odd behavior to base my suspicions on. I thought things where going pretty well until I found out in July that he broke no contact in April. His reaction to me being upset about it was pretty bad. We have recently restarted MC she has suggested IC for him but to my knowledge he has not responded to her suggestion yet.

Sometimes I wonder if he’ll ever “get it” and others he seems very perceptive and responsive to my mood being off. Sometimes I’m in both extremes within minutes. I’m trying to focus on making sure I’m OK no matter how this ends while he figures his shit out. I’m about to go through a few months of anniversaries of some fucked up shit I never imagined I would have to deal with.

Those that are farther along, what’s easier and/or harder the second year? I know there isn’t a neat list with checkboxes to tick off.

[This message edited by UnstuffedGiraffe at 4:27 PM, September 23rd (Wednesday)]

I feel you. I'm about a week away from the first date between my WW and AP.

The whole stupid roller coaster ride sucks major ass. It's up and down, back and forth. But from 10,000 feet hopefully you see things getting better.

FWIW.

Year 1 was OK actually, only because I was pregnant (both times) and could focus on something else. I also think that when I'm in shock, my brain doesn't really process.

Year 2, the anger kicks in and I start processing.

Anger lasted a bit over a year.

So, I guess for me, year 2 was not easier than year one.

Same for me SecondTime. Year 2 was worse. Still angry. Definitely more good days than bad days. But still some rough bad days in year 2.

I think:

The facts that you don't think your H 'gets it' and that he refuses IC do not bode well for year 2.

It sounds like he can respond to you, but that involves stifling himself. That gets old, and rebellion is often the result - like, rebellion against the constraints of M.

R requires both partners to be themselves. R requires building an M that serves both partners. If you H is not himself, he can act for a long while, but probably not forever.

I’m trying to focus on making sure I’m OK no matter how this ends while he figures his shit out.

That sounds like an excellent plan.

I think year 2 wasn't necessarily better/worse, but it was different. Most of the shock had worn off, and I think I was able to take off the rose colored glasses. Start seeing my WH for who he was and not what he was in my mind.

The facts that you don't think your H 'gets it' and that he refuses IC do not bode well for year 2

This was pretty accurate for me. WH was in IC, but there was no progress, he did not "get it", was still mired in shame, etc. About 5-6 months into year 2 I asked him to move out. That was difficult, but ultimately liberating and helped me emotionally detach from a man who doesn't love/respect himself - making it impossible for him to love/respect me.

Year 1 was shock, adrenaline, hope, drama, clear boundaries and obvious wrongs.

Year 2 was worse overall, lonelier and I’ll-defined. Cheating is juicy drama, year 2 was a lot of “you promised to set aside time to read the book, but gave up after 1 chapter” and “my triggers seem like a burden to you”.

Year 2 is when I really needed support, A lot like how everyone is there for a funeral and brings food, but the real grief starts after the shock wears off and everyone goes back to their routines.

This 1 Million times over:

Year 2 was worse overall, lonelier and I’ll-defined.

Year 2 after d-day 1, was year 1 after d-day 2 (A was underground, and 1 year almost to the day, was when I found out the A had not stopped). So my "year 2" was not normal in that it was a year after d-day 1 but was ground zero for false-R

My second year 2 - a year after false R and 2 years after d-day 1, was different.

My timeline:

d-day1: 10/17

d-day2: 10/18 (false R for almost the entire time)

d-day3: 4/19 (A stopped for 3 months then restarted so second false R)

IHC

This is when your WS and in my case, I, started wondering "when am I going to get over this shit?" in the classic sense of the phrase (as in, when am I going to stop thinking about this crap everyday) and when am I going to be done dealing with this shit (meaning, should I just write off my WH and never talk to him again). I wanted to be free of it, and I found myself more and more unhappy, and generally more depressed, until I let it go, which also meant letting him go. I couldn't stand it anymore and found myself no longer caring, like really not giving a shit, if he ever "got it" - I also found I was not attracted to him the way I used to be. My WH is a handsome guy - that hasn't changed - but the chemistry between us was dead, or so far buried I couldn't be bothered to try to dig it back up.

Now, we are in IHC and I will be moving. My job is ending this month - finally - and as soon as I have a new job starting I will be gone. I still get that little pang of "wow, I will leave and this person who has been a part of my everyday life for the better part of 2 decades will be absent, permanently" like a realization of real change and diving back into the totally unknown is actually happening. What I do not do is think to myself, in a sorrowful mourning way, about what could have been. I guess that means I have accepted what I thought I had with my WH wasn't happening, and that I am done mourning.

So this last year, from 10/19-10/20 is year 3 for me post d-day1. I would say that sometime around 10/19 is when I moved out of the mourning stage into "I want to get on with MY life" stage.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 12:34 AM, September 26th (Saturday)]

year 2 was a lot of “you promised to set aside time to read the book, but gave up after 1 chapter” and “my triggers seem like a burden to you”

EAPTSD - great way to describe it IMHO & IME. And that has continued through year 3 (which just reminded me that the workbook on empathy his CSAT suggested & I bought in Dec is still lollygagging around our house... I think he cracked it open, but never finished. Heaven forbid my WH even allow himself to think about -let alone feel- what kind of message that sends about his "dedication" to himself, to me, to our M or to his recovery )

[I] found myself no longer caring, like rally not giving a shit, if he ever "got it" - I also found I was not attracted to him the way I used to be..... the chemistry between us was dead, or so far buried I couldn't be bothered to try to dig it back up.

This - tho not to the same degree - prolly hit closer to the end of year 2 and the 1st several months of year 3. The point where I stopped "suggesting" things for him to read/listen to/do, and just took the road map back for myself and began to modify / re-route for my own (presumably solo) journey.

And I think those timelines are different for all of us. One BS may be really successfully managing mind movies w/in months - others it may take years. Same with things like rage.

Personally, I found myself cycling through, but then months later, coming back to various aspects of healing/processing. So, Giraffe, I think it's important to keep that in mind - IOW don't be hard on yourself if your personal journey doesn't necessarily align with others'. It's OK to still be in x or y or z "phase" at a time when others - or esp another "part" of you - think you should be "past" that.

Godspeed.

[This message edited by gmc94 at 1:06 PM, September 24th, 2020 (Thursday)]

The facts that you don't think your H 'gets it' and that he refuses IC do not bode well for year 2.

I think he gets some of it, there have been huge improvements in some areas and some very slow. He definitely has his priorities in a different order. He has not refused counseling but has not acted either.

If you found out in July that he broke NC (even if that was months prior), it seems the logic around here is that July was a new DDay of sorts. A new revelation of a betrayal of a promise. I think that may alter the timeline you can expect emotionally. And I’m really sorry you’re struggling. We are just shy of a year post DDay and even though the A was long over before that and NC has been ironclad and he’s been doing most things right... this shit is hard. Time is the one factor we have no control over, especially if the clock ticks backward with new revelations. Hugs!!

His breaking NC definitely had an effect on my healing timeline. My mind was really starting to calm, now my anxiety level has skyrocketed. I’m questioning his lack of boundaries more and over reacting to things that are really little things.

I don’t have a lot of specific dates but 1 year ago is the first time I remember thinking maybe he’s not answering his phone because he’s not alone, I later confirmed my suspicions. Yesterday he made an effort to be there for me. Today is for me, I’m going for a long ass bike ride. A ride home if he only thing I’ve asked him for I have plans for food when I get to my destination.