SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello,

Just need to vent and get some perspective and opinions...just found this out yesterday after my therapy session, and don't know who to talk about it with.

Brief backstory: WH cheated on me (a lot) years ago, lied, I found out ten years ago, both of us spent a lot of time in counseling since.

Ugh why do these things always come up right after a therapy session? WH comes home from work last night and tells me that he’s now leading some sort of female empowerment group. WTF!

I was a bit taken aback, not sure what I said, but I expressed mild displeasure, and confusion. He's the boss at his work.

As today has gone on, I’ve become angrier. Much because I don’t know what to do.

WTF he’s says an “ally” I suppose, but I don’t know how much of an ally he’s being to me.

WTF about boundaries and all that.

WTF is he white knighting? He’s going to fix all the bad things that happen to women in the workplace?

WTF he complains all the time about how difficult his job is, and he takes on more, and takes on THIS?

Sounds like a perfect opportunity to get into some sort of trouble. With his wife or the women at work too. For older people our age, he’s fairly enlightened, but for millennials, he’s not. I think it's great he wants to help...but I'm not sure this is the way.

I will talk to him tonight or tomorrow or whenever I can get my thoughts together. I don't know what to say/how to say it.

"I don't think it's appropriate for a cheat and womanizer to lead a women's empowerment group. Maybe you should step down and let someone without so much baggage take the position."

Were any of his OW coworkers? Subordinates? Seems like pertinent info that HR might like to have when choosing someone to lead an empowerment group.

Nope. Sorry this would be a firm “Hell no!” From me.

And it is very disrespectful to you.

He can hire a professional and a “boss” at work should not be undertaking this role. It’s unprofessional AND opens him up to suspect behavior.

Does he hug his employees? Maybe not. But will he hug his empowerment group? Strong possibility.

The liability he has exposed himself to is insane.

Is he the Knight in Shining Armor type of guy? My H is. If this is the case, he should NOT be involved in this.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 6:38 PM, May 27th (Thursday)]

No, none of his employees were OW (as far as I know) His affairs were 25 years ago (also as far as I know)

He's the boss at this particular location, and he comes off as the ultimate nice guy. (And he is nice, in many other ways) I'm sure nobody knows about his womanizing past.

It's just hard being in this position when this stuff all happened when he was much younger. I feel powerless to complain and I worry if I'm being too harsh.

1stwife,

Yes, he is totally a knight in shining armor type. He loves helping all sorts of people, not just women. I don't know how to get through to him about that.

No, he doesn't hug employees. He claims to hate hugging at work.

Besides inappropriate behavior, what kind of things could this open him up to?

I am picturing how this conversation is going to go with him:

"But I'm the boss, I'm expected to lead all my employees, not just the men!!!!"

Good lord, I am a wimp.

All affair stuff aside, which is obviously a huge issue..... why is a MAN leading a WOMEN'S empowerment group?

stubbornft,

I know, it's so ridiculous. He told me he is the only one that can do it. I think he thinks that out of all the men at work, he thinks he's the most enlightened? It's a industrial setting full of tough guys, and just a few women.

I was too stupefied to ask more.

[This message edited by Paperclip at 3:28 PM, May 27th (Thursday)]

why is a MAN leading a WOMEN'S empowerment group?

Yeah, this is a joke. There's absolutely no women whatsoever in HR or otherwise that could do this? As a woman, if I was invited to a women's empowerment group run by a man, I would run in the opposite direction. It's honestly insulting to women. The fact that he thinks he is even qualified is alarming enough, but given his past, it's really clueless.

Men can and absolutely should be allies to women empowerment. Running a group? No......

Exactly, it seems condescending. Men need to tell women how to empower themselves? Men being allies is wonderful, totally agree. This sounds like an episode of The Office where clueless Michael pisses off all the women in the office.

He's very very good at career coaching, in fact he leads another group which just happens to be all men. I would have absolutely no problem with women being in that group at all.

I really don't know who or what came up this idea for the women's group. This is just so weird and uncomfortable to me.

I am gathering my courage to tell him no to this group tonight. Well, I'm not afraid to tell him no, I'm afraid of what to do if he says no. And god only knows what he'll tell me and go and do anyway.

I thought I got to a place of just not caring what he does anymore. I was wrong I guess!

You need to feel safe. I think that coming to him calmly and explaining that you feel uncomfortable is totally reasonable. I hope it goes well. Sorry you have to deal with the feelings this brings on. I hope he will choose to respect your feelings and your need to feel safe.

You need to be able to stand yiur ground and tell him you do not want this as part of your marriage. It makes you uncomfortable and he can hire a professional to run the group.

Period.

If he refuses — then tell him you plan to be at every meeting. It is the only way it will work for you. I’m not kidding - you tell him you want to be empowered and you want to see his “expertise” in this area.

And then make it happen. Do not back down on this.

It will be a sweeping generalisation, but here it is: people (regardless of gender) who reckon they need empowerment (and I'm not talking job-specific skills training) very often suffer from varying degrees of self-esteem issues. That puts them in a precarious and vulnerable position. On the other hand, he gets to be the alpha male in the room (being the only male makes it somewhat easier) who imparts his precious knowledge and insights - cue: ego kibbles. It looks like a recipe for disaster.

As a woman, if I was invited to a women's empowerment group run by a man, I would run in the opposite direction.

^^This.

Who is he to empower women? He's not a woman.

I've sat on this a while.

A MAN leading a WOMENS empowerment group seems predatory. Even if that isn't the intent - it is the message I am receiving. And others may as well.

While at their core his intentions may be good - he hasn't factored in the Law of Unintended Consequences.

I question if this is sanctioned by HR and/or their training division.

On top of being disrespectful to you [and it is] it is highly inappropriate.

Well, we had a talk. I think it went okay.

I told him I was very uncomfortable with this and needed him not to be a part of this group.

He said okay, and apologized for upsetting me. He said he would need a week to wrap up his participation in the group and hand the reins over to one of the women, which was supposedly the idea in the first place.

So he was exaggerating when he told me that he was leading the empowerment group, now he's saying he was just facilitating the start of it. Not funny.

Sceadugenga, thanks for explaining ego kibbles. Makes perfect sense.

Chaos - totally agree with you. This wouldn't have sit right with me even without the infidelity. I don't know why he's so clueless, he's not a dumb person.

Thank you all for letting me talk about this, I have such a hard time expressing myself and figuring out what I'm feeling...I'm autistic, and trying to figure this stuff out is extra hard for me.

*HR exec for 26 years

This is no ridiculous I can’t find enough words. It would be like me running a group for LGTBQIA (I am straight/cis). Or running a group for POC (I am white). I would use either/both of those examples, if they apply, to try and enlighten him further why he is not remotely qualified and has no real life experience AS A MAN.

And again, for obvious reasons and of course why you are on this forum...this is so disrespectful to you. His cheating sounds like it was years ago yet recently it seems like we have had a few members returning lately because of another A many years later.

Edit: I see we cross posted...glad it went well. Yes, not funny at all.

Hire a female outside professional. Period. End of story and discussion.

[This message edited by AnnieOakley at 8:56 AM, May 28th (Friday)]

I am glad to hear your talk went well, and that you spoke up instead of rugsweeping it!