SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So update since Friday. Last post here-

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=654206&HL=79116

I got home from work and had a talk. I told her that I do love her, maybe I always will, but no matter what she tells me, I can't trust her. Anything she promises or says to me, I can't believe her.

I told her that I was moving forward with the D. BUT, since we do live in Utah (divorce process here is long), If she can change my mind during, then she can try. I love her, but looking at the last couple months I don't think that I am "in-love" with her anymore. If she wants to stay together then she has to earn my love and trust back. The mental hell that I've gone through... I'm just over it.

In the weekend she blocked all other people that she was speaking with. She added my thumb print back to her phone (deleted a few weeks back) and told me that I can look at it anytime I want. No Questions.

She's been kissing my forehead and trying to hug me more. We went on a nice hike with our DD It's been nice, But no way I have I changed my mind yet.

[This message edited by NerdyLatino at 4:21 PM, July 19th (Monday)]

That's a good update nerdylatino and I think your head is on straight about it. You can always put the brakes on the divorce if she makes sufficient enough progress for you, and honestly if she is serious about fixing herself she will do that whether you're 'there' or not. Be very clear and honest about what you want and need from her for R and don't be afraid to speak your truth to her.

Keep working on YOU, keep making the decisions that are best for YOU and your future, and hopefully she comes fully around and decides to join you in a new marriage. Fingers crossed for you!

Good to hear. Ditto EllieKMAS. Be sure to take care of yourself. It's easy to fall back into old habits as a WS comes out of the fog and starts promising to make things right.

It's not enough to say that she wants to stay together. She needs to show you that she not only wants to stay together, but that she can be a good partner to you, is truly remorseful, and can eventually earn a healthy level of trust.

What's she doing to remediate her broken character, Nerdy? Just giving you access to her phone doesn't guarantee that she has learned to actually honor the values she claims to espouse, or that she's willing to make meaningful boundaries with potential interlopers. Is she seeing a therapist? Is she reading books about infidelity and better marriage skills? You're looking for actions. Remember that transparency is nice, and it's meaningful to rebuilding trust. But you're not her dad or her jailer. You don't want to be the marriage police for the rest of your life. You want to know that she's fixed whatever was broken inside that had the capacity to say "yes" to cheating.

I think you have good prospects, but she needs to do some work so that you can SEE how her attitude has changed.

I disagree with dangling the carrot of R while filing for divorce. If you're going to file, then commit to that decision so that you can both start the process of extricating yourselves from each other's lives.

Having read your previous posts, my hackles are up. Is she really committed to R or is she playing the game to maintain the status quo? I suppose time will tell.

My first thought was "She has a burner phone." I hope I'm wrong.

Just remember it’s about what YOU want. And what YOU can live with.

She’s crashed and burned the M you had. What is she doing to actually show remorse and repair the damage?

Reconciliation is not a sprint. It is a long road to rebuild and re-commit to the marriage. Does she have the ability to stay the course or will she bail when things get rough?