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It has been 1 year since DDAY, generally reconciliation has been moving forward, but we are still having trouble with sex, especially in regards to my self esteem. This was not an issue before, but I struggle with not feeling attractive and being self-conscious. I try to refocus my attention, but thoughts repeatedly come up. When I initiate and WH is not in the mood, which is totally valid, I have to talk myself down every time from thoughts that is related to me, when in reality he is just tired/stressed/etc. Any tips or advice on how to work through this? Both for things I can do and ask him to do. I know it isn't a quick fix, but I have been struggling to make any progress.

If I got turned down I would also be upset. I get that he may be tired but if he knows you are struggling sexually (add in the fact that you feel this way because if HIS selfish acts) that is a pretty dumb move on his part. He should be working to help you and making you feel sexually attractive to him and repairing your sex life together.

What is he doing to help you feel important, chosen and attractive?

It is totally normal for this to upset you.

I am sorry you are feeling painful feelings.

What’s the rest of your story?

As far as what you can do. Well, you said this wasn’t a problem before. So you can hold on to the knowledge that you are sexual and beautiful and can have a great sex life with someone else if this guy can’t get his act together.

[This message edited by stubbornft at 10:06 AM, July 20th (Tuesday)]

I see his efforts: he instigates/organizes most of our dates, gives me frequent compliments both physical and non, calls and texts throughout our workdays, is physically affectionate both sexually and cuddly, and to be fair, he is usually receptive when I instigate sex.

We have been together 7 years, I am 31, he is 34. We had fallen into a kind of autopilot relationship. Last year, WH had been flirting with this ex-coworker. Which lead to a single A. He immediately came home after, wrote me a note and attempted suicide. I intervened. We have both gone to IC and MC, to try and reconcile.

Also a huge thank you, I didn't relize how impactful being validated by a stranger would feel.

Does he turn you down often? Who is the main initiator?

The only way I’ve been able to find real healing, and to free myself of the burden of intrusive thoughts and mind movies, is to not rely on my husband for any form of validation. I don’t depend on him to make me feel sexy, attractive, or desirable. I feel all those things for myself, and he’s the lucky bastard who gets to be with me. I do not use him as a barometer for my happiness or mood. That way if he ever acts in a way that COULD be triggering, I’m mostly unaffected now. If he was ever persistently behaving in a way that I was unwilling to accept, I have the strength and confidence to move forward without him. Freedom comes when you realize your own value, and no one else has the power to increase or take away from your worth. I wish it hadn’t taken me this long to get here.

All that being said, it is absolutely understandable to be triggered by him rejecting you sexually. I could advise you to talk to him about it and how it makes you feel, but that is still leaving too much power in his hands. Really work on you, as a sexual and beautiful woman all on your own, and see where that takes you.

I was never turned down by my W. But I couldn’t touch her for 6 weeks. When I got my self esteem back after losing 50 lbs and being at my ideal weight, I started to not think about the AP anymore, I am a much better man than him, I have morals, and integrity.

I can say at almost 2 years I’m confident and comfortable with myself and my W. I don’t have many mind movies anymore.

Get comfortable with yourself, don’t look for him to make you feel sexy, and if he isn’t interested, it’s HIS loss.

Best Wishes

underserving

...not rely on my husband for any form of validation.

This is the only way to take control and guarantee and outcome. Otherwise, you'll always be at the end of the whip, so to speak.

We've all been there, unfortunately. Those thoughts will always be there, waiting for when you feel like sabotaging yourself and need that little extra negative boost.

My one instant recommendation, never underestimate the power of saying "f*** it". When all that shit starts to pile up in your head, just reach into the toolbox and grab a big handful of "f*** this shit" and even say it out loud right in the middle of sex if you must. Try it, I promise instant relief.

I see his efforts: he instigates/organizes most of our dates, gives me frequent compliments both physical and non, calls and texts throughout our workdays, is physically affectionate both sexually and cuddly, and to be fair, he is usually receptive when I instigate sex.

He is receptive, organizes dates, he is physically affectionate, he compliments you frequently, he is sexually attentive and cuddly. If this is all true, exactly as you present it, and you state that you know to be true that he is reasonably tired and stressed, you may want to give some space. I think, even as a BS myself, if a WS is doing all that you stated, attentive, loving, cuddly, receptive to being sexually intimate....you may want to consider if his actions are enough or if your expectations may be something to mull over.

I am 100% in the camp that believes the WS is all in or not in. That they must provide what the BS needs. But it sounds, just based on our post, that your WS may be dong all that you need, but it may still not be enough to satisfy your self esteem. You say "we are still having trouble". Is it "we" or "you" and if it is "we", is your WS fully aware of his role in contributing to the "we" problem?

It is a me problem, not a we. You all make excellent points that I need to rely on myself, not him for my self-worth. And I 'll give that fuck it method a try. Thank you

My opinion- if your WH cheating makes you feel like you are not a sexy woman, that is an inside job. If your WH cheating makes you feel like HE doesn’t find you sexy, that is something he should he working on.

When my WS cheated it didn’t shake my confidence and didn’t make me feel like I wasn’t sexy or sexual or enough. It DID make me feel like HE didn’t find me sexy, attractive, etc.

When my WS cheated it didn’t shake my confidence and didn’t make me feel like I wasn’t sexy or sexual or enough. It DID make me feel like HE didn’t find me sexy, attractive, etc.

This represents me as well. I never felt lesser on any level. I am a catch, even if I were the only one that knew it, I would still see myself as such. However, as stubborn noted, if my spouse does not see me as desirable, it is either a thing they need to consider and work out or they need to move on to that someone "special" that they do think is desirable. I know it's not me.

I am a BASGU [bad ass sparkly goddess unicorn]. I'm considered quite attractive and described by many IRL as a Modern Day Marilyn.

The DDay and my world was rocked. I spent months where every time I looked in a mirror I thought [and at times said] "no wonder". Every time I took a shower I sobbed because I had to not only look at but touch any wash my "unworthy" body.

I went from not giving one F about nudity to not being entirely covered from head to toe.

Eventually, I started to realize, MY self confidence was not LTAP's to take.

Eventually, I started to do little things. For me. Even if I wasn't feeling it - I wore my sparkly undies [they've always been my thing]. I started to wear lipgloss even if I was just folding laundry. I started to use perfume when I ran errands. I started doing my former date night prep just to do whatever - because I am worth it.

Oversimplified - I started dating ME. I started being my own special occasion.

Over time - I started caring less about LTAP and more about me. I didn't even give one flying fuck what WH thought. I started doing ME for ME.

Eventually - my shoulders slumped a little less. My walk got a bit more sure. My confidence returned. It has nothing to do with having been betrayed [that is still a mind fuck of epic proportions]. IT has everything to do with knowing my own self worth.

Your confidence is NOT theirs to take. It is YOURS to reclaim. What are you waiting for?

PS - If you are in the mood and your WH isn't - you can get yourself a quality apparatus. Because nothing quite says fuck it like a good...well...

Your feelings are so so SOOOOO normal. Most of us have been in the same boat.

Please listen to Chaos and do whatever you can to make yourself feel like the sparkly, unicon sex goddess that you are and then make sure you focus on YOURSELF during sex. What worked for me during triggers was imagining myself as the sexiest woman in the world and imagine how lucky my spouse must feel to have the pleasure of being with me. My one and only goal was to make sure I enjoyed it. Fake it until you make it.

I'll weigh in with a slightly different perspective. This probably has nothing to do with your case, but I wish I would have realized this years before I did so I'll share it and maybe it will help someone.

I have always found my FWW wife beautiful and sexy and we've had a great sex life. But there was a time in our relationship where she was unhappy about how often she would express an interest in sex and I would be too tired, stressed or not in the mood. I felt terrible about this. After all, men are supposed to always want sex, right?

Part of the time it was genuinely fatigue or stress. My job was very stressful at that stage and I developed a habit of working late into the night.

But the bigger part of it was how I felt. My wife had a tremendous need for affection and validation and I always made sure that she got that in our sex life. I did my best to make her feel loved. But over time it felt to me like our sex life was very much about me providing her love and attention while my satisfaction was purely a happy byproduct. When she expressed an interest, it felt like she wanted me to show her how attractive and loved she was, not that I was attractive and loved.

I was always terrible at expressing what I needed and I never felt worthy of my wife so figuring out what was going on and being able to express it took a long time. Again, maybe this has nothing to do with your case. But it can't hurt to make sure that he understands that you desire him, and not just affection and validation from him.

It's also worth considering that he may still struggle with triggers and feeling unworthy of you since his affair. Those feelings are complex and may require work in MC or even IC for him.