SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm truly amazed at how everyone here is different yet the same. It's like I can read the stories and replies and relate to everything.

I think what I have determined is that cheating is indeed a dealbreaker for me. It takes so much time and energy to lie to yourself when in the end the lies you tell to protect you also destroy you. WH has been trying to do everything right but I can't seem to let go. IC has been helpful so far but I'm beginning to see that as much as I hate to lose, I'm not winning with him either (which makes me a loser technically). I have exactly 2 weeks to lie to myself as we are in the process of taking our students back to college and I would like for that time to be as cordial as possible. However, on the road trip back I will be letting him know that I can't continue like this. I'm broken Humpty Dumpty style and all of his efforts and attempts just don't seem to be enough to put this marriage back together again. I can't remember the person who posted this but I swear when I read it - my light bulb moment. "You are mopping the Titantic, that ship is going down" Probably shouldn't have used quotes as I'm sure I did not get it exactly right . Guess I'll be moving into another forum - R was not for me. And as much as I hate that we are ending, I can't imagine spending more years dealing with this pain. The thought of starting over terrifies me but the thought of continuing this lie is even more scarier. And even now, she continues to text. She wins!!!! I wish them a happy life together

It's usually "Rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic".

If he is still texting AP, the A never ended, and you were never in R.

So, there's that. He wasn't even rearranging deck chairs. He was drilling a few more holes in the side to let more water in.

EDIT: I realized, I misread your sentence about "her" texting as being your SO, not the AP. Fixed genders.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 4:53 PM, August 3rd (Tuesday)]

I couldn't stop the pain of R until it was more painful than the thought of starting over. Sounds like you are there. I hope you have a peaceful college drop off.

"Tired of me lying to me" I totally understand. I said to myself at a point "you have got to stop bargaining with reality".

[This message edited by stubbornft at 4:52 PM, August 3rd (Tuesday)]

I think the titanic reference may have been me

Until and unless she is actually willing to address her affair, you are just polishing brass on the titanic my friend. Eventually that ship is still gonna sink, the question is how long will you stand there polishing it before you decide to put on a life jacket and save yourself?

And it's true too. I tried R-ing for 9 months. 9 LONG ass months. I remember when I finally started internalizing that my marriage was over, I was talking to my mom and I told her that I felt like my xwh had shoved a knife into me on dday1 and the knife was still there and I was bleeding to death and the only way to heal myself was to remove the knife and stop the bleeding. That's how it felt too.

I can tell you this though - making the decision to part ways with my xwh was really hard, but it was the BEST decision I made. My life is so. much. better. being free of him. And there is NO shame in coming to that conclusion for yourself.

Sending peace and good juju your way!

The fact he hasn’t blocked her from contacting him is just bananas. I very much understand and respect your decision. R isn’t everyone, no matter how “great” the wayward is behaving. Really doesn’t seem possible when there’s still contact between the two of them.

Just know, even if it looks like he will ride off into the sunset with the AP, the statistics are stacked a mile high against them. Very few couples who started out as affair partners end up staying together. Even if they are that few, they’re still shitty people, and most everyone will think so. So hold YOUR head up high. It’s better to be alone and be a good person than coupled up with a trash can.

Wishing you strength and healing.

I've often written, 'R requires honesty with yourself and with others.' In fact, I've meant 'recovery requires being honest with yourself and with others.'

Telling yourself the truth is empowering. If his A is a deal killer, D is the way back to a good life. I'm glad you're tired of lying to yourself.

I ended it after a 2 year attempt at reconciliation because I also realized it was a dealbreaker. And my WH was doing all the right things but I just didn't want him anymore.

If your WH is still communicating with the AP, you aren't even in R and should absolutely end it. At 43, you have MANY good years ahead of you and can do better without a douchebag for a husband. You will probably feel 100 times better immediately after you aren't dragging him around anymore.

FWIW, the other woman must be an absolute trash loser to pine over a married older man for years and he won't even leave his wife to be with her. I mean, her self esteem must be absolutely well below zero because she is pining over a lying cheater who didn't even chose her when given the chance? Just gross. As if your cheater is such a prize. If he runs back to her its because they are on the same level - trash.

Babe, if he’s still with you and not her, because he lives the life "he wants to live" with you, he is not in love with her. Whether he’s in love with you is debatable, but he definitely isn’t with her. From all accounts, there’s nothing significant forcing him to remain married to you. Yet he stays, and continues to try and to reconcile. If he were "in love" with her, still doesn’t outdo his desire to be with you.

You’re 43, still young, and moving into a whole new phase of life. You still have half a lifetime to live. It can be with or without him, you decide, you hold all the cards. Do you realize how powerful that is? You potentially hold the futures of three lives in your palm.

There is nothing enviable about her. You own her. And she’s flittering way her youth, pining after a man with a wife he will not leave for her. Her desperation to get into contact with him isn’t indicative of twu wuv, it’s a sickness, unhealthy, pitiful.

She uses apps to generate hundreds of numbers to be blocked. All that time and energy garners her exactly, nothing. If you dump him and he does go running to her and she asks why, he can’t say it’s because of his overwhelming love for her, it’ll be because you decided not to try anymore and she’s Plan B 😌

Does this look enviable, because it’s live footage of AP.

[This message edited by Aletheia at 2:46 AM, Wednesday, August 4th]

Is she using an app in order to contact him?

That does change my view a bit.

It’s ok to not want to stay in R. I just hope if you decide to end the M it’s because it’s what YOU want, and not out of some misplaced (but still understandable) fear.

Altheia ohh the bunny boiler. My husband had one of those. Fake suicide attempt and all. It’s not often I’m glad I was in the dark when it came to his A, but I can say I’m not sorry I missed all that shit.

Yup. LTAP in my case is one as well. When we had to get the Cease and Desist a few months back, the attorney who handled it [upon hearing the whole story] nicknamed LTAP "The Bunny Boiler"

I learned from OBS that she'd typically use "suicide as manipulation" throughout the years.

I'm just SMDH as I type this.

Read Aletheia response again and again.

Just to clear up a few things, I think it is more of a me issue. Yes, she continues to message him and I using different numbers and it is so frustrating. I look at it as a constant reminder of how much they shared and the love they have for each other. My IC states I have a lot of work ahead of me. I think this situation just broke me and I want out. I never feel good enough anymore and I'm exhausted. Between the mind movies and the constant messages, I just can't take anymore. I also feel this is not one-sided. I am certain he hasn't messaged her and I know for certain they have not seen each other. WH seems to think the best way is silence. But I see it differently, more like he wants to protect her. He was showing me messages from her but then stopped because he said it was not taking me in the right direction and it wouldn't help us in moving forward. He is such a rugsweeper and I was always a Katy Perry hear me roar type . I don't want to leave but I feel he forced my hand. My mental health is in danger.

CC -

I didn’t mean it to seem I’m advocating for reconciliation. I firmly support you choosing you & your mental health. I was responding to "She Wins!!!" part of your post. She wins what exactly? a man who didn’t want to leave his wife & you tossed away? A man who preferred another lifestyle, but is with her because you told him you’re done? There was defeatism vibe in your post which I found ironic because you hold all the cards. If you wanted to keep them apart forever, you could. He values trying to make it up to you more than any "love" he has for her. And she’s pitiful. Even if he were the Romeo to her Juliet, a half sane person would have moved on. This is only a you issue in that you can never again believe love he has for you, he broke that part of you. He did this, when he’s being genuine, you can’t trust it, he destroyed all trust you gave him. Staying NC with her you can’t fathom being for you, you believe has to be for her. In sum, I’m saying if you see them in the future together, you won’t be witnessing true love, you’ll be observing a broken man with a mentally ill delusional fool.

edit1: misspelling
edit2: will your husband change his phone #?

[This message edited by Aletheia at 1:24 AM, Thursday, August 5th]

I couldn't stop the pain of R until it was more painful than the thought of starting over.

Talk about relating. "the pain of R". Reconciliation sounds positive, like a synonym for healing, bonding, reunification, peace etc.

I was looking up some of the other synonyms and its' interesting: placating, mollification, settling, appeasement.

It seems like on one side reconciliation is this coming back to other, but the process is placating, settling, and appeasing. And even with a wayward following text book advise, the betrayed still has to decide to settle with someone who they know is capable of deeply wounding them. Wounding them in return for sex, for emotional kibbles, whatever, but for very little.

Settling and placating the waywards desire for rugsweeping is a painful process. Perhaps even a painful lifetime.

It all seems a bit pedantic the way I've taken this reconciliation down to a definition, but in the end, reconciliation is painful to the betrayed and is not necessarily unicorns and sunshine. A fact many waywards never seem to get or experience in the same way. Just look at infidelity in movies, waywards sit there like "oh this is interesting", while a betrayed is fighting with all their might to deal with triggers and associations that the betrayed's actions caused.

I do relate to waywards struggle, but really, this shame and hurt they experience, it sure doesn't seem to manifest the same way as a betrayed. If its wounding them so deeply, how come when the subject of infidelity comes up (where it's not their infidelity), the are so completely indifferent? The entire subject of infidelity (if they're not at the center) seems an intellectual, not emotional exercise. What seems to really drive betrayed is what it's costing them at the moment.

Reconciliation is painful. But truly painful for who? Your words really resonate with me. I prayed that you find peace and happiness soon.

I thank everyone for the encouragement. It's just that now that I have made the decision to leave, I'm not sure I have the courage to do so. Even with knowing it's what I need to do. How do you say goodbye to the person that was supposed to be your forever? Some call it old fashioned but I took my vows literally. It was supposed to be until death did us apart- not him cheating on me. My heart is heavy all the time and he never seems to get it. To him it's always things like "stop thinking about it", "I'm glad I'm not a woman", or anything else that shows not much compassion or understanding. I know what is being said is true but it just feels like I'm losing here and I've always been a sore loser. I also now know I did not do everything right in the beginning to have a successful R. But you live and learn right? I also feel I am giving more than he gives me and that's how I know my time is up. I was not the wrongdoer in this situation. His efforts are good but not still not enough. It's just so hard to accept that he stopped seeing me as his wife years ago. I am more of his comfort zone and that no longer works for me. I want more than he is giving me and I'll just have to remind myself of that as I leave.

@cutiecakes

I am so sorry that you have endured this pain. Don't say that you "lose" though... Say that you are now stronger than ever before. You did the brave thing.. you tried to make it work. That is admirable and you should be so very proud of yourself for that. There is no way that I could have stayed if he still had correspondence with HER and did not do the things that I needed to heal. However, if I was you I would not tell him on the way back from dropping the kids off-- I always wait until my feet are on the ground and not in a moving vehicle before have any kind of intense conversation. And by the way, she does not "Win" She is a broken person. I always say Lord, forgive them for they know not what they do. Anyway, I wish you many blessings on the road ahead wherever that takes you. God Bless

Cutiecakes - It does take courage to actually leave but - and not to minimize how hard it is - it takes less than you think. Like most situations in life, the thought of doing something or the fear of doing it is often worse than the actual doing.

You will grieve your marriage differently once you leave. That's almost certain. You've already grieved it in a very real way. How different it is now knowing what you know, what you already lost. Actual separation or divorce will bring some new shades of grief. But in my experience, it also brings some peace and relief. It has not been the total devastation I thought it would be (I'm separated). That happened on DDay. And the losses are somewhat balanced by the upside.

I no longer live with someone who abused me

I no longer fear what bomb will drop next in my life

I no longer live with the feeling I've settled

I am in the driver's seat of my life

I live each day for me (or my kid) with not one worry or concern bout him

and more...

There is a freedom to it. Maybe most importantly, there is the freedom to grieve. Without someone telling me how it makes THEM feel or how THEY would handle it or whatever. There is a clarity to things. Nothing is muddled by his presence, his moods, his needs or my fear of his reactions.

It's terribly difficult to fully grieve while you are also trying to save the thing that caused the grief. Assume you have not been allowed to fully and properly grieve your losses here and take this time to do so. Separation frees you up to focus on you. And when you do that, clarity will come, your strength will grow and you'll start to feel way more comfortable about making your choices.

It will happen.

Really, really good post by TheEnd

There is no easy way out of this stuff. Once I finally kicked WS out - that inner fight stopped. I am no longer battling myself. There ARE tears, there IS fear. Some days are good and I feel strong. Some days I am sad & mourn all that was lost. Some days I am SO MAD at him. But he isn't here making it worse. He isn't handling my triggers terribly. He isn't making me feel like dirt anymore.

I still have to heal my wounds but there are no more new wounds now. I took my life back. But I still have to process what happened.

I doubt many of us were able to do this without fear. The whole thing sucks. I hate that we are all here with this terrible thing in common.

Apparition great post. Praying for peace for us all.

[This message edited by stubbornft at 3:56 PM, August 5th (Thursday)]

"I'm glad I'm not a woman",

1st, with regards to Ends fine advice, separation did miracles for me. A miracle. Some may notice the change in how

frankly I now speak about WWs abuse. I even admit to the STD s cured) she brought home without feeling shame myself. Separation was like cool water in blistering heat.

2nd, I’m no feminist, but I have to admit to being angry at the condescension in that statement. Like, you are hysterical, overly upset at something a man would take in stride. You may take that insult with grace, but i’m going to be enraged for the both of us.. FFS.

Be true to you. I know that sounds trite, but you were, in part, a wife. But you are not only a wife, you’re a person that is defined by far far more than him. Whatever you lost: find it. Who ever you are: embrace it. Ted Talk over.