SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

When I first joined this site I read that it normally takes 2-5 years on average to heal from the trauma of infidelity HELL. Of course...this is a guideline...there really is no magical number. It took me a little longer...but I am finally there!

I couldn't fathom in the beginning that I could make it 2-5 months in the PAIN and DESPAIR that I was in...let alone 2-5 YEARS . The analogy that I had in my mind was of me treading water...at night...in the ocean. There were no lights to give me a bearing. I knew I had to swim or I would surely drown...but I had no idea WHERE to start . What if I started swimming in the wrong direction and I ended up going further OUT instead of finding land??? I had no where to turn to...no one to help me...and I was starting to sink .

Then I found THIS site . It was like dawn started to break...and I could see some type of path to take. People were throwing me lifelines left and right...some even coming into the water where I was just to let me know I wasn't alone . I HATED having to do this...AGAIN...but this time...I had others who were willing to help guide me through some of the most treacherous waters until I was able to get the strength to navigate on my own. I am FOREVER grateful to the kind and generous people who make up this AWESOME club that NO ONE ever wants to be a part of .

My A season is 68 days...from the 1st day they met...until the day the adultery co-conspirator drove my H to the airport in her country on the day he came home to me. For the first several years...time STOPPED on those 68 days...and I was brought back to the time during my H's A. I would go over EVERY DAY...reliving it like it was just happening...it was pure HELL . I finally decided that this was only hindering my healing...so around year 4 I stopped. It DID help !!

THIS A season though...it was different...in a GOOD way . My H and I have proactively replaced the BAD memories of some of the worst times during A season...with some very GOOD memories of US and what we call our marriage...version 2.0...or Mv2.0 . These GOOD memories have HELPED me take back...or OWN the A season! THOSE 68 days during A season are NOTHING compared to the other SEVEN different 68 days we have had since then .

I am a SAHW...and I am blessed to be able to do volunteer work. Being able to GIVE to others helps me feel grateful for what I have in my life . Sometimes I travel...and that is the case for me now . This travel started a little over a week past my 7th A season. My H and I were separated for almost 3 weeks before he was able to come to where I am. We had an awesome time together...seeing the sights...and wonders of this place . But...after being apart for 20 days...we were like lovestruck teenagers . We couldn't keep our hands off each other !!! He kept holding me close to him...and I kept breathing him in...I LOVE his smell !!!

This wasn't the first time we had been apart since Dday. But it was the first time when there were no qualms...no questions...no doubts . I KNEW my H was being faithful...sort of like having that blind trust again! I have said I would never have it again...and I am sure that part won't ever come back. But THIS time...yes...I have to say...there was trust there. And it felt GOOD .

I'm healed . It took me a little longer perhaps...but I am there . It was a gradual healing...the pain after the first year was not nearly as bad as Dday. But there was still this ACHE...this sadness that I would feel...especially after a particularly GOOD day. It made me sad because I knew that it COULD have been a GREAT day...if infidelity had not entered my marriage . I don't feel that anymore though...which really surprises me...in a GOOD way . There were so MANY things that...at first...I KNEW I would never be able to get back. Slowly but surely...I have pretty much gotten back a LOT!

To those who are just starting on this journey OUT of infidelity HELL...things DO get better . You WILL heal! Your marriage may not survive...my 1st marriage didn't. But YOU WILL . My time was a little longer...and that is perfectly FINE. We will ALL heal at different times...in different ways.

[This message edited by Want2BHappyAgain at 5:31 AM, Tuesday, August 24th]

Lucky #7!

My H and I have proactively replaced the BAD memories of some of the worst times during A season...with some very GOOD memories of US and what we call our marriage...version 2.0...or Mv2.0 grin . These GOOD memories have HELPED me take back...or OWN the A season! THOSE 68 days during A season are NOTHING compared to the other SEVEN different 68 days we have had since then

This is what we did, too. We reclaimed a bunch of stuff together and built a new, better marriage.

I love this post.

Lucky #7 indeed ! I LIKE the way you look at things 13YearsR !!!

Reclaiming things TOGETHER is pretty cool!!

I’m so happy for you and your H. You have taught me so much about reclaiming dates and owning triggers. I am just now at the 2 year mark, and the triggers have been very tame this time around. Im not healed but I’m moving that direction.

Thank you my sweet Cooozan!!! You paying it forward has helped so many people. I know one couple that is doing much better today because of your help. I added some emojis for you.

Thank you for sharing! Glad things are going so well for the both of you. :)

I’m curious why positive posts like these never seem to have much interaction. Maybe it’s because successful Rs are so rare hardly anyone can relate? Idk. I for one am thankful you have stuck around and continue to be a beacon of hope for those of us who so badly want our marriages to survive this shit show. Wishing you guys many more years of happiness!

So happy for you moving past this. We all have our own hurdles and timelines. I am glad you stuck with it and saw it through to R.
LHAP?

Love this positive update!

I really want to reclaim certain dates and periods of time. Covid is not helping but we moved far far away from our old home and that helps a ton.

Again, thank you for this great insight into your R. I am 3 years from DD1 (where he left out of the blue/claiming he needed space and no other woman was involved) and 2 and a half years from his coming home (yay! He's back!) and then 1 year from DD2 where I learned of the long affair in another city that ended when he came back home after "getting space."

It is wonderful to hear of the potential continued healing. I feel better today than I thought possible at DD2. It's not all unicorns and diamond ankle bracelets but I am seeing real work and change on his part.

Thanks for the positive report from further downstream, for the hope. I am beginning to see some light, and progress and maybe reaching acceptance halfway to where you are now. Sometimes it feels like where ever I am on this journey, that this is as good as it will get because it takes so long and it feels stuck. I laugh at the me two years ago who thought she'd be way ahead of schedule and healed by year 2 or so. Little did I know.... Hope things continue to get better, for us all.

Tanner...thank you for your kind words Coozann...as well as the emojis !!! One of the reasons I stick around even though I don't NEED this place anymore is so I can "pay it forward" . I truly didn't know how I could ever survive this...but with the help of some very kind people on here...I was able to . For that...I am eternally GRATEFUL for this site! You've helped me out a lot as well Cuz...your perspective on situations sure gives me a different way of looking at things. Thanks for that !!

Underserving...thank you so much for that sweet wish !

I’m curious why positive posts like these never seem to have much interaction. Maybe it’s because successful Rs are so rare hardly anyone can relate?

That COULD be a reason. I often wondered myself why there were so few people who wrote in the "Positive Reconciliation Stories" thread who weren't active on here anymore. Someone made a suggestion about looking at the taglines from the earlier posts in that thread...because they may have had False R...or went through D. That was an interesting idea!! So I looked...and found very few indications that these people who wrote those positive posts had gone through False R...or went through S or D.

For ME...in the marriage I am in now...it truly is hard to be able to post on threads where I don't FEEL the same anymore. I have posted about it before...and others have too. I have gotten PMs from some who tell me they feel the same way. Many of these people have moved on with a successful R .

Like you have said...it is hard for the people who are NOT in successful Rs to be able to relate to the positive posts. I can honestly say that it is equally as hard for people like me who are no longer IN infidelity to be able to relate to that pain anymore. I KNOW I went through it...but it isn't what I am feeling NOW...and I struggle to post on certain threads because of this. Sadly...there are going to be MORE people who will come to this club because they are newly betrayed . But they will have others who can relate to that pain and who can see them through the next step . I don't FIT in that place anymore...but I can testify to how WONDERFUL it feels when you get OUT of infidelity !!!

lordhasaplan?...I LOVE your username !!! He sure does have a plan...doesn't He??!! I thank God EVERY DAY for giving me and my H another chance to walk down the path He is guiding us on .

JulyDD...what a whirlwind you have had between Ddays! I knew that reclaiming the dates and times...or as I would say...OWN them...it was very important for me to do. THEY took enough from me...and I REFUSED to allow anything else to be taken!! I swear...it sometimes seemed like I was a bull in a China shop blasting through some triggers . But I wasn't going to allow triggers to have any more space in my head...I wanted PEACE there instead . It's hard at first...but when you reclaim one date...it becomes easier to reclaim another one !! Having the WANT TO to do it is half the battle...so you are on a great path already !!!

whatisloveanyway...it is weird for me to look back on here and see things I wrote when I was in a whole different mindset!! I saw you used the word "acceptance" in your post. That was a word that evoked some strong emotions in me in the beginning of my R journey. Accepting what happened was like is often said on here...like I was eating a shit sandwich. NO!! I did NOT want that at all!!!

One day I was watching a documentary on television...and they talked about how certain animals had ADAPTED to their changed environment. Those who didn't ADAPT would not survive. That was an AHA moment for me!!! I came to see that I didn't have to ACCEPT anything about my H's A...but I could ADAPT to our Mv2.0 !!! I mean...this site is called SURVIVING infidelity after all !!!

Want2BHappyAgain, thank you for giving me another perspective to look at the dreaded acceptance, which sounds a little like settling or losing. I am a nature nut, so I'm surprised I didn't think about acceptance as a type of adaptation. It truly is, and it's also part of the psychological mindset of being strong or resolved enough to rise above, and say enough. Worse fates could befall me, likely will, but what am I going to do with the precious time I have left? Who do I want to spend it with? If my Husband is lucky, I will continue to choose us while I learn to choose me too. There is so much change involved in this journey. Everything I thought I knew changed in a moment and then kept changing! My husband is changing and I am changing too, hopefully growing in good ways. My relationships with others, my tolerance for crap, how I handle life stressors, so much is changing so rapidly. I'm trying to make the right choices, choose happiness, choose not to be disoriented or disappointed, to find all the moments of joy I can collect and hope they all add up nicely in the end.

My best friend told me when I finally told her what was going on in my life, that this is going to be the hardest thing I ever do, and her best wish for me was to decide if I was a person who could get over this, because I deserved to wake up happy every morning, not sad because I woke up next to someone who hurt me so deeply. She was really telling me two things, one to know myself and choose wisely, and two, that on some level this is something that has to be "gotten over' and I was going to have to figure out how to make that happen if I chose to stay or if I chose to leave. I had to make peace with my decision. True friends are there for you no matter what you decide, so I'm blessed with her, she's smart and loyal.

I want to be happy again too. I'm trying to learn how. Thanks for sharing your journey and insights. Wishing you lots of happy years ahead!

whatisloveanyway ...I know it sure gave me a greater perspective when I replaced "accept" with "adapt" . We ALL adapt throughout our lives...it is a part of our survival. When I looked at it from that perspective I knew this was something I could easily do!

There were several great words I learned on here as well . My H always talked about how his A was the biggest MISTAKE he had ever made. I didn't like that word very much either! People on here made several posts about an A not being a mistake...but a CHOICE. YES...that cleared things up for me!

Also...the word "dealbreaker". On Dday...when he confessed...my H knew that adultery was a DEALBREAKER for me. I couldn't go back from that...not after what I went through in my 1st M with a cheater. Yet...he did it anyway . More posts were made about that too . I came to realize that EVERY A is a dealbreaker. My H and I had to agree on a NEW deal...or end our marital contract. That helped both of us in being able to move forward .

Another phrase that several people have written about is that part where you and your friend talked about you "getting over" this. ANY traumatic event is impossible to "get over". But we do have to "get through" it. I didn't understand it at first...but I believe I understand it now . I couldn't just hop up on what took place...and move along. I had to walk THROUGH this with all of the emotions involved...and deal with it. It was ROUGH . But...I DID walk through it...and I am on the other side of it...and it sure feels GOOD . My H's A is something I will never forget . But there are MANY traumatic events that I will never forget either. It is a part of my life...but it is NOT my life. Once I understood that...I started LIVING again .

I have to admit that I was STUCK reliving what happened for several years. I didn't WANT it to BE!!! But...it happened...and there was NOTHING either of us could do about it . I had to walk through it...acknowledge it...and HEAL from it. This is where the "Betrayer's Handbook" ends. Each of us have to find our way to heal. I couldn't rely on anyone else to find the path for MY healing.

Changing up these words may look like semantics to some. But that HELPED me to heal . You said it so well when you talked about the psychological mindset...that is IT ! Our THOUGHTS dictate our FEELINGS. Thinking about...as you wrote, "...being strong or resolved enough to rise above, and say enough..." makes me feel MUCH better than, "...settling or losing..."!!!

One last thing...I promise !!! When I first joined this site and was trying to figure out what to put as my username...I truly felt like I just wanted to be happy again. As time went on...I found happiness in certain things...but it didn't last. Then...I found PEACE . After I found peace...happiness stayed . I didn't even realize it was peace that I had lost...until I found it again! So...Dear Lady...my WISH for you...is that you find your PEACE . From your insightful posts...it looks like you are well on your way !!!

I'm healed.

This was my favorite part.

And it may have been 7-years, but you knew what you wanted and you fought hard to get here. Stay or go, none of this is easy, but I think the incredible work and determination are good things, especially if you rebuilt the M you wanted.

You’re happy again and I am happy for you!