SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Recently found out that my wife of five years (partner of 10) has been unfaithful with two different people. So here's my story.

The Affair.

D-Day was 30th Jan 2022. My wife had taken our 2 year old son on a play date with her best friend and left me with the usual household chores to do. Whilst tidying up our bedroom I found a receipt for some lingerie that she bought on 6th Nov 2021. She had only ever worn lingerie for me once before at the very start of our relationship and I'd never seen this lingerie. I took a photo of it and sent it to her. She immediately tried to lie her way our of it by saying it was a Christmas present for me that she'd chickened out of wearing, I knew this was nonsense. So I used our shared laptop to logon to her emails, and sure enough 17th November was confirmation of a hotel booking in a nearby city. When she got back I confronted her with it and she admitted to sleeping with a guy she met through work twice, once in July and once in November.

It was a classic case of work flirting becoming more. She was due to leave that job in August so he said that this was there last chance to do something about it and she agreed. Afterwards she told him not to contact her again and she changed jobs. Then towards the end of October he messaged her about a different job she might be interested in, the messaging started again and resulted in another meet up. Afterwards she told him not to contact her again and this time blocked his number. He was older than her and divorced.

My entire world fell apart. I could barely get out of bed in the morning. I promised her that I wouldn't make any rash decisions and we began to discuss what happened. She said that she blocked his number because she knew he wouldn't stop contacting her and that she wanted to have the life she had with me and our son and keeping in contact with him (AP1) would always prevent that. She knew she wasn't special and that she was probably one of dozens of women he was contacting, and there was never anything over than sex and physical attraction between them. She said she was glad I found out because it made her realize just what it was she had to lose. I asked her over and over if there was anything else she needed to tell me and she said no.

But I was still suspicious, I don't know why but about a week later I went onto her emails again. After lots of searching I found a message about a hotel meetup from a guy with an anonymous email from 2018. I confronted her again. She admitted to joining a dating website in early 2018 (less than a year after we were married). She said she was messaging 4 or 5 men on there but never really had any intention of meeting up with them. Then she connected with AP2 and the chemistry built, until a hotel meet up was arranged. It happened once and they both agreed that it was a stupid thing to do (he was also married). They haven't been in contact since. She said there was more of an emotional connection with him than with AP1, which was purely physical.

Our Marriage.

So what was our marriage like? Well back in July 2021 when she first slept with AP1 it wasn't good. We'd just moved into a new house, she hated her job (hence the move) and that combined with the every day stresses and strains of looking after a young child meant that we totally disconnected with each other. We blamed each other for every little thing that went wrong and I'm not even sure we could even say we were friends at some points. But by November we had got a lot better, not perfect but then that's life. And in 2018 when she signed up for the website and subsequently met AP2 we were OK then as well.

What I will say is that our sex life wasn't great. My ex-GF and I had a pretty toxic relationship when it came to sex and that meant that I was really nervous about talking about sex with anyone. After the initial honeymoon period after I met my wife, our sex life became infrequent and formulaic. I didn't know how to address it and she has since said that she just thought I wasn't interested in sex that much. We began trying for a baby straight after we got married and even then we weren't having sex a lot. It took us almost two years to get pregnant. After our son was born sex became even less frequent.

Where are we now?

I resolved not to make any rash decisions and I haven't. It's been five weeks since D-Day. We're still living together and to the outside world we are carrying on as normal. I want to try and reconcile and she says she does too. She genuinely seems remorseful and I believe when she says that she doesn't want to do it again and that me finding out has been the wake up call she needed. She has said I can have access to her email and phone any time I want (but has also said that she would like some privacy back eventually). I believe her when she said she hasn't contacted either of the APs since she last did. We have both agreed about the need for MC.

The biggest thing to have happened is that she made an attempt to commit suicide. She took a lot of painkillers and fell asleep but nothing more than that. She is starting IC about her mental health next week. We have said that we need to get her out of that space before we begin MC.

On a day to day basis out marriage is much improved. We're more open with each other about things and we have made the effort to spend more time together. We are actually enjoying each other's company again. And our sex life has improved 100% (I'm aware this is common), we can't keep our hands off each other. I know it's probably unhealthy and we're using sex to cover up a myriad of other issues but we're both enjoying the ride (pun intended). I also understand why people have open marriages, it isn't the physical act of her having sex with someone else I find difficult to get over, but the lies that went around it that I really struggle with.

There's lots of things still to be addressed. It feels like there's a whole other side to my wife that I didn't know about and can't relate to, the woman I thought I knew wouldn't have had sex with a married stranger even when she was single. And I'm not convinced I've heard the entire truth. I don't think she's out and out lied to me again but I do think she's holding back. I'm hoping her IC will make her realize the need to get everything out in the open, even if it means the end of the M.

Have I made to right decisions to try and R? I don't know but there's nothing that has told me that I've made the wrong one. I keep asking myself the same 3 questions.

Do I still love her?
Do I still want to be married to her?
Do I believe her when she says she's not going to cheat again?

As long as the answers to those three questions are yes then I think I will try keep the M alive. I'm not sure what I want from this site, hope that we can get through this? Validation that we're doing the right things? Just a place to vent? Probably a bit of all three.

And I'm not convinced I've heard the entire truth. I don't think she's out and out lied to me again but I do think she's holding back.

You haven’t and she is. Tell her you want a timeline for both of the affairs that you know about and any others, to include any inappropriate behavior since you’ve been a couple. Tell her it will be verified by polygraph and follow through.

Your right about delaying MC. You should both be in IC, her with a counselor with infidelity experience and you with someone who treats trauma. Vet all counselors carefully on their views on infidelity, especially before you start MC.

Also please avail yourself of the healing library here as well as the Tactical Primer pinned to the top of this forum. And if you haven’t already you should both read How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda McDonald and Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass.

Hi Shaker81, sorry you are here, but glad you found the site since you need it. I only have time for a short reply so I want to address two things.

First, your wayward wife (WW) has only admitted to what you’ve uncovered on your own and lied about what there was to uncover between D day 1 and 2. Thus, years of experience reading here suggests it is highly likely that there is more cheating you haven’t uncovered. Proceed with caution. Get a timeline and polygraph too.

Second, not making rash decisions works both ways. While it would be rash from her perspective to proceed directly to D, it would be equally rash for you to commit to R before you’ve had a chance to determine whether she is actually remorseful and willing to do the hard work of recovery. Do. Not. Rush. R. Either. Take some time, focus on yourself, and determine whether her words match her actions over the coming weeks and months. That’ll give you a far better picture of your reality than attempting to "fix" this and get over it ASAP.

Do I still love her? Do I still want to be married to her?

Alas, you're the only one who can answer that. I can say that love has come back for me. It hasn't for others.

Do I believe her when she says she's not going to cheat again?

It's not something she can do by will power alone - that's obvious. If it were, she wouldn't have cheated one, much less twice.

IMO, R requires her to heal herself, that is to change from cheater to good partner. That requires her to keep doing the next right thing, which means she has to conquer the impulse to do the net wrong thing when the impulse comes upon her. That usually means serious IC. But so does a suicide attempt. Perhaps her IC can address 2 birds with one stone.

I would require periodic joint sessions with your W's IC to 1) make sure the IC knows about your W's As and 2) to keep in the loop on her progress.

Ultimately, though, your W has to heal herself.

You need to heal yourself, too - how will you process the devastation that she's wrought? what are your requirements for R? will your W agree to meet your requirements?

Together you answer questions like: what do you want your M to be? how do you get it to be the way you want it?

Have faith in yourself to get these and other questions answered. Seek IRL help if you want it.

It makes sense to explore R. It makes sense not to jump to a conclusion. You're dealing with a decision that will affect decades of your life and that of your child. You need a good decision, even if it takes longer tha you'd like.

At the same time, don't try to control the outcome. Make sure of what you want; then, if you want R, make sure your W will do the necessary work. R succeeds, but only when both partners commit themselves.

*****

You'll get 2 types of responses here. Some will tell you what to do. Others will help you figure out what's best for you. I recommend placing more weight on the advice that helps you do you.

*****

To find out about what makes a WS a good candidate for R, I suggest reading: https://survivinginfidelity.com/topics/324250/things-that-every-ws-needs-to-know/. If it makes sense to you, print it off, cut off the info that shows SI is the source, and ask your W to read and discuss it.

IOW, keep SI for yourself for the time being.

Hello OP:

Sorry you've joined the club nobody wants to join. First order of business is to take care of yourself. Hydrate. Exercise. Stay off the sauce.

Second order is to read in the "Healing Library" on this site. There is a lot of good info for newly minted BH's.

Third, no sex with the wife until you have both taken and gotten clean results from STD tests. Seriously. Your health is at risk.

This is pretty much the crux of what every new BH faces:

the woman I thought I knew wouldn't have had sex with a married stranger even when she was single.

What we all must come to grips with is that the actual, real-life, flesh-and-blood woman we are married to is not the woman we thought we knew. The bride we thought we were married to, that is an imaginary person who does not exist in real life. Though it's wise to not do anything too rash, the main thing that you must come to grips with is an honest, clear-eyed assessment of the actual woman you are married to. Clearly she is deeply flawed as a human given the course of lying and cheating you already know about (more on that below). Your marriage cannot survive, among other things, unless and until she herself realizes that and takes steps to fix it, to make herself into somebody new, and then in turn you decide if that somebody new is a person you'd like to be married to.

Which leads me to this:

And I'm not convinced I've heard the entire truth.

There is no way for us to opine on this question based on the short summary of your post. However, Trickle Truth ("TT" here) is very common among WW's when first discovered. Way more common than not, and it is normally a component of minimizing, also ubiquitous among newly outed WW's. The probability is high that you have uncovered the tip of an iceberg, but that is merely surmise at this juncture.

I will tell you that a saying here is "trust your gut." Your gut is telling you there is more. This is a strong indicator that there is more.

However, even as to what you know, the number of times she had to look you in the face and lie to you, either outright or by omission, over the past 5 or so years is quite large. An consider the ways she has taken from you that are in addition to the usual abuse associated with infidelity: exposing you unwittingly to STD's, which is a higher risk than in many instances since at least some of her cheating was via trolling casual sex web sites; spending family money on hotels, lingerie, etc.; leaving her 2-year old son for sex with another man (what mother does that?). Clearly there is something profoundly fucked up in her moral compass.

I do feel a need to point out one thing. You say:

Well back in July 2021 when she first slept with AP1 it wasn't good. We'd just moved into a new house, she hated her job (hence the move) and that combined with the every day stresses and strains of looking after a young child meant that we totally disconnected with each other. We blamed each other for every little thing that went wrong and I'm not even sure we could even say we were friends at some points.

If you read here enough, you'll see that your view of the causes and reasons for the strain in your marriage is wrong. This fact pattern outlines a classic description of the kind of abuse a cheating wife heaps on an unwitting betrayed husband. Picking fights. Finding fault. Making him feel like he is the cause of the marital problems. My friend, it's a classic case of gaslighting, creating a smoke screen of confusion that enabled her to carry on her cheating. Once you begin to see the truth of this, your anger will likely set in. That' a natural part of your progression through the shit sandwich your WW has been feeding you.

I wish you well. I will point out that if you've been married 5 years, with a 2-year old son, you're likely a young man. Maybe mid-30's, or possibly 41 if, as your name suggests, you were born in 1981. Still plenty of time to start over. Consider what the Shaker81 you will be staring down in the bathroom mirror in the morning 5 years from now, or 10 years, will say to you about your decision today.

By the way, depending on the state you live in, the fact that your wife left your son home with you for the purpose of sex with another man, that could support an award of primary custody to you. This leads to my final piece of advice. Find a decent family lawyer and pay for an hour of his/her time for a thorough consultation. The cost will be about the same as the amount she spent on lingerie and hotel for sex with another man.

I'm NOT suggesting that you file for divorce. Rather, I'm advising you to learn from a lawyer exactly what a divorce would mean for you in terms of finances, custody, etc. You can't choose R unless you know what D entails. Be sure to ask if your state offers "for-cause" divorces, which could get you out of any spousal support. And also ask about the possibility of you getting primary custody based on the facts recited above.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 5:13 PM, Tuesday, March 8th]

To find out about what makes a WS a good candidate for R, I suggest reading: https://survivinginfidelity.com/topics/324250/things-that-every-ws-needs-to-know/. If it makes sense to you, print it off, cut off the info that shows SI is the source, and ask your W to read and discuss it.

I've actually already read this and it spoke a lot about how I was feeling and I'd already had the idea to email that to my WW.

I'd already had the idea to email that to my WW.

One more thing. In the strongest possible terms, I would advise you to NOT communicate with your WW about the A via email, text, etc. Set aside time to actually be together face-to-face and talk with words. Email/text is a horrible tool for problem solving. A very successful man I know, CEO of a giant company, says this as his motto: "If you have a little problem, put it in an email and it will become a big problem. Or pick up the phone and solve it by talking."

our sex life has improved 100% (I'm aware this is common), we can't keep our hands off each other.

This is the hysterical bonding. Just be ready because you are going to get really pissed off at her. Give it a month or 2 until she can't keep this up.
You said you are to blame for the sexual issues in the relationship before. That is horse crap. My wife tried the same thing, then hysterical bonding. If your WW knew you had issues with sex, she just had to act like she can't keep her hands off of you and it would have improved the situation. She didn't do that because it would have been work to improve your relationship.
That is what reconciliation will require.
Secondly:

She has said I can have access to her email and phone any time I want (but has also said that she would like some privacy back eventually).

This right here. Every non-remorseful cheater wants to know when they can have privacy back. The answer is never. Go read some of the older reconciling stories. They say they have their head on a swivel, 12 years out. They know what cheating would look like and check whenever they get a bad smell in the air. The WS that doesn't support that, is not remorseful. She should be rolling on the ground, begging and offering anything to keep you from leaving. Putting in clauses shows she is still trying to figure out how to land softly.
It sounds like you haven't shown her that you are ready to leave over this. That will come with the anger later. Come back here when that stage hits. Because you are riding the rollercoaster up right now, down is a bitch. In the mean time, stay in hopium and KISA as long as possible. Things are about to get rough.
Enjoy the sex and get as much of it as you can. Do not promise anything stupid, like not doing things rash because that is what she did to get you into this situation. When your emotions start to flare up, your promise will be thrown in your face. Tell her you will be taking it as it comes because you are the one who was hurt in this relationship, not her. Take back the anything rash promise because you can't be promising that.

Have you investigated the 2nd OM at all? I think you should. He may be married. Your wife isn't exactly known for her honesty.

So..the suicide attempt. Was there any medical intervention at all? What kind if pain killers? A handful of Tylenol, or handful of Oxy? When did you find out about it?

I don't believe she is remorseful. You wouldn't have known about the first affair, of you hadn't looked for it.

What exactly is she doing to become a safe partner?

At minimum,she should be..

Fully transparent, you get full access to all accounts, and phone,including passwords. This is forever. She is a serial cheater. Privacy is for the bathroom,
nothing else.

Std testing

Answering all of your questions, without anger or defensiveness. For as long as you need to ask them.

She needs to take a polygraph. Seriously,what are the odds that you know about all of her affairs? You only know what you've been able to discover.

She is accountable for her time away from you.

She drops all of her friends who knew of the affairs.

She sends a NC email to both OM, then blocks them. She agrees to tell you immediately if one attempts contact.

And anything else you need to feel safe.

She said she was glad I found out because it made her realize just what it was she had to lose

This is so selfish. She's glad you know, even though it's destroyed you, because it took you finding out she fucked 2 OM in order for her to know how much she loves you. Sorry, but that's just awful.

Well back in July 2021 when she first slept with AP1 it wasn't good. We'd just moved into a new house, she hated her job (hence the move) and that combined with the every day stresses and strains of looking after a young child meant that we totally disconnected

No. The marriage wasn't good because she was having an affair,and she purposely distanced herself from you.

You seem to want to blame the marriage,or yourself. The truth is, her cheating had nothing to do with you,or the marriage. There is something wrong with her.

You're dealing with a serial cheater, who cheated during the first year of your marriage. She was on dating sites. She went looking for another man. The chances of her becoming a safe partner is pretty slim.

Please don't share this site with her. This is your safe place. Inviting an unremorseful WS here is always a disaster for the BS.

If you want to try to R, understand it's a process that takes years. You can not even try until you have the entire truth, and you don't have that. Schedule the polygraph asap. That tends to scare the ws into spilling some more truth. Then follow through with the test,so at least know what you're dealing with.

[This message edited by HellFire at 9:34 PM, Tuesday, March 8th]

You've gotten, and will continue to get some really good advice.

I want to focus a little on your questions.

Do I still love her?

This question is borderline irrelevant and is only a trap. Love isn't enough. It's not even close. It's a bare minimum sure. If the answer is ever "No" you'd get divorced, regardless of infidelity. The problem is that many of us can and do love cheaters. Even if they keep cheating. This unconditional love does not help recovery and is in fact a detriment to reconciliation in many ways. I'm not telling you to try to stop loving your wife. Just don't give it much weight in your decision making. It's like asking if there is oxygen available or not when deciding if you want to keep on living. The negative answer ends the decision, the positive answer just lets you keep thinking on it.

Do I still want to be married to her?

This is a good one. Do you want to be married to who she is now based on what she has done. This doesn't go away as part of your story. Even is successful R there is permanent unfixable bits of damage caused by the affair. Some to you, some to your relationship (which is actually killed and needs a full blown resurrection), some to her.

Do I believe her when she says she's not going to cheat again?

You shouldn't yet. You have no reason to believe her. What has she done to dig in to understand why she gave herself permission to lie to you? What has she done to identify her internal motivations and thought patterns? Has she encountered a similar situation or opportunity and proven she has the capability to make a better decision now?

My wife wouldn't actually say this right after, or even months after dday. "I promised before and broke the promise, so how can I promise again?"

She has said it now, after doing the work to become a safe partner.

For my wife the answer to all of those questions is yes, but it wasn't for over a year after dday that she had made all the changes, could verbalize them, and demonstrate them in her actions.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 9:57 PM, Tuesday, March 8th]

As for her wanting her privacy back. That will never happen. TBH, unless taking a dump, part of being married is giving up any reasonable expectation of privacy. And that’s when times are good. When something like this happens the fact she would even utter the word privacy tells you she’s not remorseful.

This is a important thought: "A very successful man I know, CEO of a giant company, says this as his motto: "If you have a little problem, put it in an email and it will become a big problem. Or pick up the phone and solve it by talking." "

I email due to world wide work and consistency of message, but when things get hot or personal - you need to talk, and nothing beats face to face. Eyeball to eyeball for our situations.

I'm in a situation similar to yours - with one "accidentally detected" emotional and sexual affair from a past boyfriend she knew before our live-in engagement. Once an emotional affair was established out of the ashes of a past sexual affair - Did he manipulate her on her fears about our relationship/engagement, or did she just want to get him back and failed and I am the booby prize, etc. I'd like to know. I'm not getting the answer yet. We are seeing councilors, but, it is all eyewash? Was you WW faking suicide top fake remorse and get off the hook while she kept you as a safe lily pad option to keep her out of the water? It is not easy to find out. People here seem to do pretty good about holding their anger back and earnestly help you find what might work for you - and you alone. It is am amazing set of volunteers here, and the team that staffs this site. My hat is off to them.

[This message edited by takenbytotalsurprise at 3:56 AM, Thursday, March 10th]

Oh man, I'm sorry. That's a tough read. Joining a dating site less than a year after being married?

She said there was more of an emotional connection with him than with AP1, which was purely physical.

I guess the obvious response is do you really think this is an excuse you'll accept? She wouldn't have been in the position to sleep with a married man if she didn't make the conscious choice to go looking for him. During a period of time that most couples are all lovey dovey and accepting of each other's foibles and getting used to each other. E.g., the rose colored glasses are still on. So I am sure you asked her this from what you've written: How does she describe her thought process about what she was risking by joining a dating service right after getting married? Surely she understood that this would have pretty devastating consequences for her marriage and any family you build together. Surely? Here's a question I would encourage you to take up with her, since you are still discussing things: What does "being a married person" mean to her? What obligations does she assume when she said her marriage vows? (Presuming you made vows). How does she view that promise? How do YOU view that promise? Have you discussed the delta between your mutual views about fidelity to each other? Monogamy?

Do I still love her?
Do I still want to be married to her?
Do I believe her when she says she's not going to cheat again?

If I could look into the future, I'd give you some guarantees, but nobody can. Marriages are gambles sometimes. You think you know someone inside and out and something like what happened to you occurs and you're left wondering who IS this person I'm married to?, suddenly. Regarding your questions above? That's the important takeaway from your post. I have my own philosophy about what makes a happy marriage. It's nothing revolutionary. Just this: Love isn't enough. Sex isn't enough. If you are in it for the long haul-- to be married ten years from now as well as next week, you'll need more than Love and hysterical bonding. I believe that marriages require a mixture of Love, Trust and Respect.. They are all important. You can love someone to death, but if you can't trust them, the marriage fails. You can be crazy in love with a partner that doesn't respect you, and the marriage fails. So believe me about this bit, it's not going to be enough to save anything. Sorry. Love doesn't always find a way-- that makes a good Valentine's day card but it's no blueprint for the very realistic demands of partnerships.

If you want my take on things-- I think there's a lack of respect here. It might be mutual, it might not be. Certainly, she doesn't display respect for wedding vows. That's why I asked the question about how does she view "being married". There's going to be a lack of trust for a very, very long time if you opt to reconcile with her. She assumes it will be finite but don't be surprised if it isn't. Make no bones about it, you've been traumatized. I agree with your decision to see Individualized Counseling. Her too. I'm with most people on here in that I think it's way to early to pursue marriage counseling with two of you in the same room. It's all rather raw right now. I applaud you taking your time to make decisions-- you will have to put in a lot of serious thought about what a future with her will look like for you, and what you will have to change in yourself to do that. Nobody on here can predict what that will be like, that's on you. Just remember this-- you'll never control her. You can only control what you will do in response. You own your own destiny. Good luck, man.

1. Your WW is extremely flawed. She put herself on a dating site then subsequently had an affair with a co-worker. All of this took place early in your marriage. Safe partners just don't do what your WW has done. 2. Demand a DETAILED timeline of all affairs. Tell her it will be verified by one or more polygraphs. Follow through with the polygraphs. You must do everything you can in your power to access the entire truth. This is your life. Don't rug sweep what she has done. 3. She must enter into intensive therapy with someone versed in infidelity. Vett the therapist to make sure that person is not a blame-shifter but will hold your WW fully accountable for her cheating. 4. Make it absolutely clear to your WW that her days of privacy are OVER for the length of the marriage. You will always have access to all social media accounts and electronic devices at a moment's notice. You realize that this will not be enough to watch what she is up to. She can use burner phones or other means of hiding her activities.

It is not unusual that someone like your wife may knock off her cheating for a few years. But is she capable of never cheating again? What happens in five, ten, twenty years from now? If you don't see a radical change, it is very likely she will repeat the behavior again, and again, and again. Do not rug sweep her affairs. That is the biggest mistake you can make.

I am sorry, but that is what you face.

Your letting her make the rules. She doesn’t get to anymore. She wants to reconcile you make the rules. She wants a divorce you make the rules. Take your power back. Stop being her doormat. Best thing I ever did was pack my wife’s clothes up and tell her to get the hell out. n

It may take her some time to understand how to make herself safe for the marriage. And how best to help you heal. R worthy behavior does not happen overnight. If you continue to want R, this dynamic is frustrating but important to accept. That doesn't mean you should settle for only small amounts of effort from her. Just realize it is a lot for waywards to get their mind wrapped around.

It sounds like she has a number of issues to be addressed by her IC. Make sure when she starts working on the infidelity, the IC she uses has experience with infidelity and is not someone who believes issues in the marriage are the main reason why people cheat. Same with any MC you may use. Do not be shy about shopping around for a new IC or MC if you feel they are not working out for you!

No one wants to believe their loved one can be this devious. But they are. She cheated because she wanted to. Your marriage might have been shaky but you didn’t cheat, she did. Then your marriage was ok and she cheated. You are like every single one of us. You are grabbing at anything that will make things better.

Talking to a lawyer is good. Seeing a therapist is good if they understand how infidelity impacts people.

The main thing is to recognize neither you nor your marriage caused her to cheat and lie.

What I am reading is a desperate person holding on tightly. Please realize that all of this is such bad stress that your body will pay the price. So I suggest you read The Body Keeps The Score.

My 2 cents... Over our 20 year marriage, Mine cheated 3 times (that I know for sure) ... First 2 were 1 night stands, years ago, which I only found out about after her third which was a full on 6 month affair in which she had even left me for the other dude... I let her go and had moved on... a few months later she wanted to come back... This was all during the full out covid lockdowns, which I think played into it, but I took her back...

I did all those things about rules, what would be what and so on and so forth... it was fine for a while; a year and a half +, but as time went on, we got back to our old ways of an "old couple" and it’s at that point that the reality set in for me... it’s 2 and a half years later now and I’m getting more and more pissed off about the lack of respect she showed me... That’s the weird thing about this... You make these decisions about R while you’re in the fog... It makes sense to you at the time...

I told myself things like , we’ve slept with other people before, so what’s the difference? Right? ... Reality is, it is different... In my case it is anyway...

Reality is, "old couple" sex is different then a new fling... It just is... The hormones just aren’t the same... "Old stuff" has its own perks, but still doesn’t compare to the feelings of something new...

All this to say, that for some reason, it took over 2 years for these feelings to develop for me... These days, I feel like I’m trying to compete in bed to what she felt with the other guy... she tells me it was nothing and so on, but I don’t believe her... To make matters worse, the more I keep thinking about his hands on her, his fluids... what they did, what she told him... On how good it was and so on... She tells me she didn’t, but I know she did... It’s human nature...

All this to say that I used to love sex with her... and was confident in myself with it... I never thought I’d have these feelings about it, but like I said, they popped up 2+ years later...

I guess what I’m trying to convey is that in my opinion, there’s a honeymoon period in R ... It makes sense at the beginning... It feels right... But at some point down the road, and I assume the timing will be different for everyone, the "real" feelings, your real feelings about it will come out... Not really saying anything for or against R in saying this... Just sharing my experience...

Do I believe her when she says she's not going to cheat again

?

She made that promise on your wedding day, but clearly did not keep it. Her intention to might have been there, but her actions indicate she is unable to abide by her commiments.

See? Her actions and words do not match. This is how you measure how truthful she is being with you. If they match . . .great! If not watch the actions. You can't fake actions over a long period of time.

What is different with her new promise to "never cheat again?"

You believed her on your wedding day on faith. Now that she has proven herself capable of lying to you effortlessly. . .why is her second promise taken at face value? What do you need from her to make yo feel safe?

Further her choices that she made were not consistent with her values. Why? If those were always her values and she hid them. . .Well I would be pursuing a D, not R.

What is familar is comfortable. Whatever is comfortable is not neccesarily safe. Do you feel safe because it is all you know ? Don't confuse familar with safety.

Look, it is common that some BS have co-dependency issues that make it easy for them to lose objectivity. It isn't safe to assign blame to your WS without blaming youself.

Her choice to have multiple As is 100% on her. Any issues in your M are more even. A M does not cause one to have an A. The WS typically has one or more character deficits which I always called, "brokeness."

She needs to fix those broken parts if you are to have any chance at a real R with a better life than you had before. If she refuses to do that hard work or drags her feet. You need to focus on wgat i best for you and your kids. Her wants are no longer relevant.