SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello Everyone,
Ive been trying to build the courage to write this after reading so many sad stories. Unfortunately mine is just as bad as most but maybe unique as well.

I'm desperately trying to get through this. Im about 5 months into this... My DDay is Oct. 19th 2021. Thats why this is not a "just found out" Im 41M married for 14 yrs. My Wife 34F cheated and got pregnant. I only found out because I was a suspicious when the baby boy was born and he was a bit different. I got a DNA test from amazon got the results and sure enough my world ended. I loved and trust her so much that when I confronted her about the results she cried "its impossible" she convinced me of her innocence so much I began to doubt it. We went to get 2 more DNA test that same week at 2 different local clinics. I begged for the truth but she didnt confess. For a week I didnt want to believe it and even began writing an apology note to say how sorry I was for accusing her, but then the emails came in with the results. There was no more denying the truth, he was not my son.

Now for some background
We have 4 children. My 2 oldest sons (20,17) are from different women before my current W. My W and I have 2 daughters (14, 2). When I say I had a great wife its no exaggeration. She accepted me with all my faults and loved my sons as her own. She took care of them and loved them, ran the household, and worked full time.
I truly believe that she was in love with me. And although I was not a perfect husband I definitley tried my best and appreciated all that she did.

My W and her AP were grammar school friends probably 20yrs ago, but by chance about 5 yrs ago he went to work at the same location where she is. They do not work together if that makes sense (shes office,hes warehouse). Contact was made if she went downstairs or he could have a work question and contact her.

She states they had an emotional affair for months through text and phone calls, then finally "1" day she went to his house and they had sex with a CONDOM ON (Jan 14, 2021). It is her belief that he either removed the condom or tampered with it somehow. Obviously I dont know what to believe. With tears in her eyes and completely sobbing she states that "if she knew it was his baby then she would not have gone through with the pregnancy" which is heartbreaking to hear while she is holding this beautiful little boy.

According to my wife she regretted the sex and had ended it and stopped all communication with the AP (around Jan 19th 2021) supposedly before she even knew she was pregnant. She found out she was pregnant Feb 2021. She says the AP is not aware that he is the father or even asked but its hard to believe if he did indeed sabatoge the condom...also I found out he is married as well and may be trying to hide all this.

I have cried at some point everyday for 163 days straight. Its feels endless and hopeless. My W seems genuinely remorseful for the destruction of all of this. My pain, the pain of my oldest children, the disappointment from her parents.

My W says she is willing to do anything and realized she took me for granted and wishes she could take all the pain away. And as I stated she is a great wife, mother and I truly loved her which makes me want to believe it.

We are still doing couples counseling and IC. And what we learned was our communication was horrible, we would fight and sweep things under the rug. Ive been reading everything out there about infidelity and marriage issues in an effort to get through this. It doesn't make this any easier. But I know I have major issues with PTS. I dont trust anything she says (which I know is normal) My rollercoast is Love and hurt, stay and go, keep trying or give up constantly. I definitely think.

She still works there which is hard on me. Its a great job and cannot just be replaced without financially hurting our family. But she would quit if I asked her.

Now for the reason for my Name
I cheated on my wife in the beginning of our marriage (first year) with a woman Ive been sexual with for years (she was also married). In my teens and early 20s I have pretty much cheated on every woman Ive ever been with and didnt respect marriage as there were multiple married women. I caused pain and heartbreaks everywhere I went. After I cheated on my current W and almost lost her. I think something finally snapped and I realized I didn't want to lose her. Ive spent the next 12 years trying to be a better husband and I truly believe I changed for the better because of her. I believe She did forgive me but we were never able to express the reasons why it all happened so it was held inside. She never got a chance to express her pain and I never apologized like I should have.

On our 10th anniversary I surprised her with a vowel renewel ceremony and in my vows I said I know I will never be deserving of you but I will do my best for the rest of my life"

Even after all this I still dont think I deserve her and all this karma is what I really deserve.

For those curious I treat the baby as my son. I loved him before he was born and nothing is going to change that.

I dont know what to expect from this but Thank you all for reading this.

I think her story has a lot of holes in it. I think you should have her take a polygraph. And,since she re-met OM 5 years ago, and you have a 2 year old child, you should DNA that child as well.

I was thinking polygraphy just but honestly it would be just to find out if it was more than once but Ive heard they are not so reliable...I did DNA test our 2 yr old. She is my daughter. Thank god. If she wasnt then it wouldve been a complete break for sure

God I am so sorry. For all the hurt with infidelity I am not sure anything is worse than paternity fraud.

Others will give you better advise. This is so tough I don’t know what you do.

You did bad but you did not deserve this.

The only things I can think of to say all have to do with honesty and accountability in the short term.

She did not have sex with him once and there was tampering with the condom. That’s real hard to believe. She most likely had a long term affair. Maybe he was crazy or shitty so she ended it but most likely it’s been an ongoing affair.

She needs to be real honest or you will never trust her.

You are already going to have a tough time going forward so she needs to be real clear she can never speak to him again for any reason whatsoever. Work be dammed.

Which brings up the second point. I know money makes things tough but her number one mission in life right now is to find another job. She needs to be looking aggressively everyday. Nothing but emergencies comes first.

You will never be able to even think about healing while she works there. If she is truly remorseful and wants to fix things it’s not good for her either. Sitting there trying to be no contact knowing he is the child’s real father. That would have to be terrible for her too.

Remember as tough as it is to hear he now has a permanent mark on her forever. His relationship with her is as intimate and permanent as yours. I would find it hard to believe that they are not speaking.

She needs tight restrictions right now. She can not have any contact and needs to work her ass off to prove she is not until she can find another job. No coming home late. Sitting her ass at her desk for lunch. Total transparency with her devices. Looking for a new job 24/7. That’s just not optional.

You may want to talk to a lawyer. You don’t have to file for divorce. Just a consultation to know what your options or rights are. Sometimes just knowing what your options are can help clear your head. Also with her still in possible contact you just don’t know what the future will hold. Be careful.

Also inform his wife. First a little revenge is ok. Second at a minimum she will be another watcher on the other side to make sure they have no contact. You don’t have to bring up that he is the child’s father. They had sex is enough. Also she might dig more of the truth out of him.

I’m so sorry and I’m hoping things get better for you.

Polygraphs are more reliable than a freshly caught WS.

Very rarely does a BS get the truth upfront.

Your wife knew there was a chance that this was his child. And she was perfectly OK with allowing you to believe he was biologically yours.

She only told you some of the truth,because she had to. She's proven herself to be highly deceptive.

Google Polygraphs in your area,and find a reputable administrator. Your wife will probably give you what we call a parking lot confession. Meaning,she will leak out more of the truth,hoping she won't have to take the test. Follow through with the test.

The reason Polygraphs aren't always correct,is because psychopaths believe their own lies, and can pass one. The average person can't .

Other than what you've posted, what work is she doing on herself to become a safe partner? And, what work have you done to become a safe partner?

[This message edited by HellFire at 7:02 PM, Thursday, March 31st]

Hi Karma,

I'm so sorry you're here and that you've been through many people's worst nightmare. What an amazing amount of grace you are showing her by considering R.

I will say this delicately, because others will jump in soon and they may not. My best guess is that you don't have the full truth on this yet. It is very common for Waywards to minimize "the damage" in an attempt to lessen the blow, prevent their BS from leaving, and protect themselves in bboth themselves from looking like a complete monster. I'm willing to guess that is what is going on here. The likelihood of your wife getting pregnant with OM's baby, while wearing a condom, the FIRST AND ONLY TIME they had sex is INCREDIBLY low. I imagine you are struggling to believe this, I am too. In all likelihood, there was more sex. They likely didn't use protection - you will be dumbfounded by how few Waywards do (my normally VERY cautious husband didn't either)- it's awful.

I don't say any of this to be mean. Truly. I say it because as someone who has been through this before, I believe that true R requires starting from a place of total - typically brutal - honesty. I did not begin to properly heal, and could not begin to trust him again until I had all the disgusting details. You cant make sense of a lie. You will replay the scenarios over in your minds for years. The holes in story will gnaw at you. You will keep asking questions and one day you will pull on a thread and something new will come out and despite having spent years trying to heal your relationship, you will be right back to the beginning. Only this time, you will have several more years of cover-up lies on top of the initial betrayal, and that will make healing even more difficult and complicated.

I get the impression that maybe your own history of cheating is keeping you from pushing her on this. Like maybe you feel you don't have a right to push because of what you did in the past. If there is any truth to this, I really encourage you to work on getting past that. I promise you that trying to brush these details under the rug a) isn't going to work as a long-term solution; and b) isn't doing you or your marriage any favours.

Congratulations on your new baby.

Thanks confused282 for the insight. Its definitely hard to believe somethings and of course its hard to post every detail without making the story incredibly long. I was with my W since she was 18 yrs old. We never used condoms and if im being honest she can be naive about things. Im not defending her at all...She not knowing a condom can be tampered with or removed is very plausible.

Second I do agree with the work issue. I hate that he is near. Its been a struggle. Transparency is definitely there now. Constant text, constant checking in. Gps on her phone is on always. She calls from a work line when leaving (the affair supposed happened when she left work early for their rendezvous) I also have an ally there....as hard as it is to believe by my sister in law is on my side and has been supportive to me like you wouldnt imagine. She reports what time my wife arrives and leaves.

I dont see her continuing an affair the issue is I dont want him anywhere near my son. Telling his wife has been constantly on my mind and the only proof I have besides her words is the baby. I would risk him trying to be a part of his life. I cannot handle that. (We have discussed tell the baby once he is older the truth) but not the AP

You need to call his wife, and tell her about the affair. She deserves the truth.

Hellfire thank you very much for the info, I did search regarding lie detectors but have not yet pulled the trigger. I have not thought about the parking lot confession but it definitely makes sense. As far as working on ourselves. From our IC Itsvabout the communication. Being honest on how we feel and think. Its not always easy. But its definitely a work in progress

Emergent8 thank you so much for your input im sorry you went through the pain as well. I definitely she is still hiding things but not because im going to leave but because it will hurt me. But like you said I need the whole truth to try and get passed this. Ive been pushing and pushing but her story has been consistent. She does not waver off the "1 time" if I do discover it was more than once im not sure if it will hurt me more. But it would tell me that shes still lying. So its tough

If you’ve become a safe partner for your marriage, then you know it’s possible for your wife to figure out her esteem issues that required validation outside of your relationship.

To me, that work is far more important than a polygraph test.

I was in the military, those tests are very limited with few well qualified examiners, and for me personally, if I need a polygraph test — time to end the M.

I also wouldn’t be able to have them work in the same place. That would be a condition of R. Even if she is doing the work, that’s just an aspect of recovery that makes you feel NOT safe.

I totally understand the devastation part of it. I was in a depression unlike anything I’ve ever experienced for six solid months, a spiral I never thought I would escape.

Find a good moment, make a good moment for yourself when you’re ready and build from there. It was one step forward, five steps back for me for the first 18-months after discovery.

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 7:35 PM, Thursday, March 31st]

Oldwounds thank you for your input. I read your story it was painful and inspiring at the same time for me. Your input about being a safe partner means alot because thats what im trying to do. And in the end she seems to be genuinely sorry. I know when I almost lost everything I changed. So why cant she? I guess that's what keeps me stuck. Im still undecided on a few things its just gonna take more time I guess

You said "our IC."

Do you mean MC(marriage counsellor)? Or are you both sharing an IC(individual counsellor)?

Also, she needs to find a new job. It will be significantly harder for you to heal, if she goes off to work and he's there. Even if her sister is keeping an eye on things. Her sister didn't know she was having an affair with this guy. So,obviously, your wife was able to sneak around without it being obvious.

She needs consequences. Your pain is not a consequence for her. Finding a new job is a consequence .

They were working together for 4 years before they started their EA, which led to sex after a few months? Sex which she said happened only once and that he was wearing a condom? I know you so badly want that to be true but the likelihood is that they were having an affair for a very long time, possibly years. If the affair did end, it may have been because one of them wanted to take the affair to the next level, while the other did not. I say if the affair ended, because that is not the norm. Yes it happens but most times, if there is close proximity, the affair restarts.

What I found hard to believe is that she didn't think it was the OM who impregnated her. It had to be in the back of her mind the entire pregnancy and for sure, when she layed eyes on the baby, she knew exactly who the father was.

This is a good case for a poly to prove if it was truly a 1 time sex with a condom. Because, then it would ease your mind a little in pursing R. You were a F'd up husband for your betrayals in the past but to let another man impregnate her and pass that off as your own is not karma. To me, paternity fraud is the worse thing a person can do short of murder.

I agree with others that you should expose OM to his wife. Why should you keep his secret so he can continue to live happily ever after while your family's world is turned upside down.

Hey Karmakickinmyass33

A couple things jumped out from your posts -- more than a couple -- but these two:

I believe She did forgive me but we were never able to express the reasons why it all happened so it was held inside. She never got a chance to express her pain and I never apologized like I should have.

And:

And in the end she seems to be genuinely sorry. I know when I almost lost everything I changed. So why cant she?

Feels like resentments and unresolved anger could be a couple hurdles that need cleared up as soon as possible.

Anything you did is never an excuse for her bad choices -- if she hated your bad decisions, leaving is always a healthier choice than cheating years later.

Also, you asked a great question, if you did all you could to be safer, "why can't she?"

Ask her. If you already have, ask her again.

You can't decide on R until you both WANT to build the relationship you BOTH want to be in.

That, and she can't hold back any missing information. You have to know what you are being asked to accept going forward. Truth always wills out. Far better now than later.

OP. I also strongly recommend that your WW write a timeline verified by a poly. In very rare instances does it occur that a WS is telling the whole story.

First of all - her story is still full of holes. I find it telling she only "confesses" to what you can prove beyond the shadow of a doubt. In fact, that condom story sounds like one from high school. It's bullshit. I'm betting the story is what has holes, not the condom.

And please - expose to the OBS. With everything you have [and outline what you suspect]. Don't tell WW you are doing this (they have a way of telling you umpteen reasons it won't be in your best interest).

Then get an attorney. You don't have to make any decisions yet. But you should realize what your [and your children's] life would look like from every possible angle - R or D. And especially with an OC involved.

I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation.

Sorry that you find yourself here brother. This is just awful and heartbreaking to read. I'm not sure that I could raise another man's child if I was in your shoes. On one hand, I am torn, if you expose, which I am almost always in favor of exposing an affair, you risk him getting involved as a father to this child, which means if you do reconcile, he can never be fully eliminated from your life, so it really complicates the hell out of things. Strength and prayers to you.

Bor9455
Thank you for understanding my predicament. We are planning to tell my son the truth when the age is appropriate, but both of us are in agreement we do not want the AP in our lives at all. I dont believe R would be possible if he is....correction. its NOT possible! I know I couldnt handle it. Legally I know im the F...but with lawyers and courts nowadays Im not willing to risk my son to just expose him and try to ruin his life. Thanks for the positive msg

We did speak about the issue again and she is willing to quit her job. I understand more than anyone that money isnt everything but us coming from nothing living paycheck to paycheck surviving the hard times and barely being able to provide for our children. To now where we can give them anything they need and not have to worry is a huge burden to have to choose.

Yes she can find another job. But making 120k a year not so easy. But she is going to be looking thats for sure. If its a huge pay cut then so be it. She has agreed to it.

The decision still seems to be mine and still weighs heavily on me
I can look at it 2 ways...she will stay and cheat again with the AP or leave to another company and cheat again with the AP. If theres a will there's a way right? Im not rushing and the decisions will not be made lightly but in the best interest of my children not myself