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The Difference Between Remorse and Guilt After Cheating

Im after some advice.

How do I know for sure that my wife truly feels remorse rather than guilt for cheating.

May be she feels both, but a lot of time it comes across like she is sorry for the hurt that she has caused, she is sorry for the people she has lied to but after all that i cant get out my head that she is sorry, yes but not for the affair its self.

She always says she is sorry. She says it shouldn't have happened and it was all he fault. But she always says she knows the hurt its caused, its hurt me, its hurt our kids and it wasn't real life. None of that says to me that she regrets the affair because of reasons that she feels towards the love for me and our family.

I cant really explain what I'm trying to say. But its always about the fact that it wasn't real life, she hurt people and not about her feelings of why it shouldn't have happened.

She always says sorry. But the apologies just seem a bit empty. I don't know if its guilt or remorse.

For our relationship to survive an affair, there must be a show of genuine remorse her part. I don't know if I'm making something out of nothing or if she just doesn't get it or feel my pain

Everyone has moments of selfishness , thoughtlessness, and even dislike and frustration about their partners and family. IMO Until she sees even the idea of an affair as wrong on it's own regardless of the side effects she's still ripe to stumble into another one. She's stumbled once even knowing the hurt that it would cause. She may have told herself that you wouldn't find out but she still knew there was a risk. She did it anyway.

I'm wondering outloud if she's still romanticizing it in her head. That she still pines for fantasy land. She still wishes she could have had the best of both worlds so to speak. Loving family at home - thrills on the side. In fantasy land lines don't blur and no one gets hurt.

Reality is a bitch.

She has to be honest with herself before she can be honest with anyone else.

There really isn’t any way someone can KNOW or completely understand the pain of betrayal, unless it happens to them.

My wife can’t know my pain, but she sees it. And along the way she has shown great care and empathy for the pain she knows she caused.

Regret is sad for themselves, remorse is sad for you — is a slight oversimplification — yet, covers it for the most part.

I imagine both regret and remorse are part of the early recovery stages for a lot of WS (not all of them find their way to empathy after an A).

The way my wife helped me know is what she showed me. Every day. How she didn’t give up trying to reach out to me, to see how I was, how I am.

No one can change what happened. A WS can’t wish it away or dismiss it.

However, at some point, focusing on the good they are doing today may help you ‘know’ whether you’re being shown genuine remorse.

Regret is sad for themselves, remorse is sad for you — is a slight oversimplification — yet, covers it for the most part.

All good answers so far, what OldWOunds said however is pretty much it in a nutshell, IMO anyway.

Statements of regret, when you break them down, are about the other person, and more specifically, about how what they did affects THEIR feelings. There is nothing wrong with regret, it's a precursor to remorse, but it is still inward-facing. "I feel like such a piece of shit for cheating on you, I wish I had never done it, I'm so sorry for cheating" is regret. It addresses their feelings but doesn't mention or consider you at all.

Remorse is taking regret and combining it with empathy in order to understand how the things you regret affect other people. "You deserved better than the way I treated you. You put your faith in me and I disregarded your feelings. You have every right and reason to be mad at me forever".

A mix of the two is common and in most cases, the best approach, as it can be helpful for the victim to know what their abuser is thinking and feeling, especially as it relates to their own emotions. "I'm such a POS for cheating on you, you deserved better than that."

Your gut is probably your best guide however. If you have a conversation with your spouse and you end up feeling unseen and unheard, then your WS is probably still stuck in shame and regret. If you feel as though your feelings were recognized or validated, then you're probably experiencing remorse from the other person.

But ...

Sometimes it doesn't matter. Regret can morph into remorse; remorse can morph into regret.

I think that's why we say, 'Watch actions, not words.' Sometimes remorseful actions almost build on themselves; sometimes they wear down a WS who really doesn't want to R.

I know my W felt guilt for 5 months after d-day before she started to feel remorse. It took her 5 months to realize she had just another A with no nobility about it at all. And yet her behavior was healing from d-day on.

If you haven't done so already, read 'Beyond Regret and Remorse', which is pinned at the top of the R forum thread list.