SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have read a few posts that advise IC, and emphatically discourage MC. Can you guys shed some light on why MC isn’t the way to go?

It’s an issue of timing IMHO.
Let me begin by stating that there are very few if any absolutes in infidelity. But our general consensus here on SI is that the WS never has an affair because of the marriage.
Like you could be in a sexless marriage, or no communications, or one spouse plays golf all day and the other WoW in all the spare time. Or whatever. But that wouldn’t explain why the WS thinks the solution is in someone else’s arms.
Its like if your spouse had bad breath… You "fixing" it by punching him won’t be dealt with by a dentists visit. The "fix" would be finding ways to control your reaction of punching, and making you realize that its neither the right reaction nor a good idea.
It’s the same with infidelity. Right at the bat – the early days – the solution isn’t to "improve" the marriage, but to end the infidelity. The WS needs to understand that a) the affair was a decision and not a mistake or just "happened" and b) it was not a logical or sensible or moral decission and c) NOTHING justifies that decision.
It’s basic human nature to justify. Learned that as a cop where I got to hear nearly everyone justify why THEY were allowed to speed, why THEY were not drunk, why THEY were right in beating someone senseless, why THEY had no option but smack their spouse and so on and so on. I venture that in 99 out of 100 "fresh" infidelity the WS states that yes, they knew the affair was wrong, but that they did it because the betrayed spouse didn’t talk to them, didn’t have sex or whatever.

What an MC does mainly is create ways for a couple to communicate. What an IC does is help the spouse understand what they want to communicate. It’s better to have some base, some calm, to work from in MC, and that’s why it’s seldom a good idea early in on the process.

About a year after dday1, we started MC (my XWH's IC said he was ready, but I have doubts).

Some of the first words out of the MC's mouth were, "we'll figure out why Mr. Fields felt he had to go outside the M to get his needs met."

I told the MC I disagree with that statement.

If that were really the issue, I would have had the A, not him.

IC for you to help you heal, IC for your WS to fix their issues, then MC to deal with issues in the M.

MC focuses on marriage issues, IC focuses on the person. The marriage didn’t make someone cheat (even though society at large may believe so).

I’ve done 6 MC sessions post dday and the therapist focused on constantly telling me it that is time to give up on my princess castle because my view of my marriage was too much of a fairytale and there MUST have been problems otherwise he wouldn’t have stepped outside our marriage. She then turned to WH who basically told her that my view of the marriage was pretty correct and perhaps the only issue we had was being a bit child centric (poor muffin, the kids had huge important exams and WH felt left out).

I then pointed out that even if that was a reason to cheat (it isn’t, he could have divorced) WH has not discussed this with me, he did not at any point asked to discuss any marriage issues and when asked, prior to dday, he claimed he was happy. Therefore I can’t see how this was a relationship issue, it was clearly an issue with an adult who cannot bring their grievances, if any, to the table and try and find a solution.

Bottom line- MC will look at joint fault and issues as this is what you do when you fix a marriage. But infidelity is not a joint fault in a free society where you can discuss issues and divorce if a resolution can’t be found.

Prior to fixing that marriage your WH should be in IC until he understands why he thought it was ok to ditch his morals, why his morals were subject to changes depending on certain circumstances.

[This message edited by Luna10 at 12:48 PM, Monday, January 30th]

MC for a lot of counselors tends towards mediation. The concentration is on fixing the relationship. They also don't always see infidelity for the abuse it is. You have to wonder if some would give an physically abused spouse would be given the same spiel. If only you had not questioned him, he wouldn't have hit you...

MC can help if you get someone who truly understands Infidelity and is willing to hold the WS accountable. Some MC's is probably needed in most cases as the marriage has to be repaired and, in some ways, better in order to survive the injury.

Generally, think of the two terms, Marriage Counseling and Individual Counseling. The client is in the title. The therapist is there to work for the Marriage or the Individual.

The marriage didn't cheat, the WS did the cheating. The WS didn't cheat because of something in the marriage that wasn't working, they cheated because things were broken inside them. We've seen all manner of infidelity issues here where BS were the best partners you could ever imagine and yet their WS cheated. If the answer is how can we get the WS needs met from a MC, you should run like hell away from that person. It is possible that WS has legitimate gripes with the way the BS does things and MC is a forum in which some of those can be addressed. I will say this, a lot of WS are conflict avoidant, my wife and I both fall into that camp. The WS has the right to have their concerns heard and addressed, but just because their partner does something(s) that they don't' like, that doesn't mean that things are even or a reason they could justify to cheat.

I am very biased against MC in the early stages. We did MC at my request, with my IC, at about a year post discovery, to help me get over his long ago long term affair. What none but WH knew was that we were being fed lies, the A did not end but went underground and the reason I needed help getting over it was because all those screaming red flags I was being encouraged to let go of were really the truth trying to get out. WH fooled us both for a while, but his attitude kept my radar pinging and I eventually got to the truth. And when I did, I excused my WH from our sessions until he owned his crap and I went back for some help dealing with the continued deception. My MC was fooled too, and was caught off guard by the lies as well. I guess he was used to honest clients...

The biggest reason to skip MC for now, I think is to spare yourself working on the wrong problems until the critical one has been dealt with. Your spouse needs to understand their motivations and rationalizations, examine their core values and decide if being honestly married is even what they want. The last thing you need to do is sit in a MC office justifying yourself for all the silly accusations you will face as excuses for the A. Sure, downstream, if you both are committed to saving your marriage, if enough love is there, MC can help with the issues that make relationships hard, like honest communication or letting go of past grievances, or building new foundations for intimacy and honesty. It only hurt me to waste my time in an earnest effort to fix things with a man who didn't even know what honesty or selflessness even looked like anymore.

If you do go to MC, try to find one that has specific expertise in infidelity recovery, and only go when you are ready and feeling strong enough to work on the relationship. There is often a rush to the quick fix, which is really just rug sweeping in disguise. Your WH is the one who needs to fix himself, and create a baseline a marriage can function in first. Good luck to you..

A lying cheating spouse who refuses to address his/her issues brings the same lying cheating mentality to marriage counseling.

Thus, nothing will change.

It’s like trying to stop a cut that needs stitches with a bandaid. The cut will still bleed.

And without addressing the cheater’s deeper issues, most likely the cheating spouse will continue to cheat. Because the marriage counselor will focus on fixing the marriage not the person.

It’s an issue of timing IMHO.

What an MC does mainly is create ways for a couple to communicate. What an IC does is help the spouse understand what they want to communicate. It’s better to have some base, some calm, to work from in MC, and that’s why it’s seldom a good idea early in on the process.

Agree with Bigger. I think IC is necessary for the Wayward no matter what (obviously it's only useful when the Wayward is remorseful, being honest, and committed to the marriage). MC can be helpful when you're at the stage of rebuilding - that happens to different people at different times We did marriage counselling earlier than most people do and I had a great experience with it. For us, the way we were communicating about the A itself (me yelling or coming at his with anger and him responding to my anger by shutting down) was causing some breakdowns in communication which was causing new problems in and of themselves. That said, we went to MC with specific goals in mind and no one was tryin to use MC to convince me that my spouse's A was somehow my fault.

I’ve done 6 MC sessions post dday and the therapist focused on constantly telling me it that is time to give up on my princess castle because my view of my marriage was too much of a fairytale and there MUST have been problems otherwise he wouldn’t have stepped outside our marriage.

Hoo boy, I'm surprised you made it to a second session, much less 6.

Marriages don't cheat; people do.