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It’s been 5+ years since I found out about his other/double life.
This year we’ll be 10 years still married.
Side note..our anniversary hasn’t been celebrated since.
It’s never been the same since.
He’s remorseful and miserable, as our marriage has been as well.
He’s afraid to talk to me, as he has no leg to stand on.
Therefore, we don’t speak.
The tension can still be cut with a knife!
It totally sucks!!!!!
We’re only together, to protect my family.
Is anyone else in this situation?

This sounds like a very miserable situation.

Why do you need to protect your family? Maybe if we understood that we could understand your choice to remain with your cheating spouse.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 7:48 AM, Wednesday, March 22nd]

Not i.

I divorced the ex.

Divorce does not seem like an option you are considering ? Have you thought about living parallel lives with zero expectations from your WH? Focus on your individual self and your happiness. This is the "comfortable" side path when there is no hope for the spouse to change and being divorced has worse outcomes financially / socially. TBH , I am considering this as one of my options. Like you my WH betrayed me the entire 20 yrs we were together. I found out couple of months ago, so I am still in the betrayal funk.

Do you have hope that your spouse can change? What has he done to show he wants to work on the marriage and is truly repenting. Has he cut off the side piece completely?

If he truly repents why not focus on a building a new happy marriage?

Why live miserably? Why not focus on your individual happiness with or without him? Five years is a long time to be living with the tension. Take care

[This message edited by Abalone123 at 5:23 PM, Wednesday, March 22nd]

Protecting your family from what?

The posts you have made to not paint the picture of a remorseful WH.

I was kind of in that boat, until I jumped overboard. Same 5 years, not necessarily miserable but a shadow of what she once was. She was a vibrant decisive person with thoughts and opinions. Also super fit and didn’t drink much. 5 years later couldn’t make a decision to save her life. So terrified to say or do anything wrong. Zero confidence. And at least 15 pounds and secretly drank.

She so questioned how she could blow up her marriage in such a big way. I confess I didn’t give her much help as I was still so pissed she ruined everything. We did talk, but it was never the same. We had a huge trip scheduled for our 25th which came after I found out. The plan was South Pacific, hotel rooms on stilts, first class air. I ended up celebrating (or not) on a bullshit business trip I scheduled with some clients and she celebrated at home by herself

I get it. Divorce is not as easy these days with inflation and sky rocketing rent. It’s can be terrifying for some with lesser resources.

Protect your family:

Let’s talk about this real quick. Keeping the marriage to keep the "family" together can have pitfalls such as exposing children to a toxic and/or loveless environment. This sort of environment can have a detrimental effect on many aspects of child development. If the children are aware of the affair and old enough to understand the nature of the offense, they will be watching how you handle this crisis and this can have either a positive or negative impact on child development.

If you choose to stay, you’re going to have to maintain a peaceful nurturing environment for the kids, reduce toxicity, instability, maintain consistency. Can you pull this off? Can your WH pull off some semblance of a positive male role model?

My opinion is to divorce and find happiness. Develop the best coparenting relationship you can and provide the best environment and family-home life possible with your half of their childhood. Perhaps you’ll find love again, a better relationship and partner, and you can show your kids a better example of a loving marriage, a happy home and, more importantly, a happy Mom.

OR, reconcile to the best degree possible, but I’d try and avoid limbo. Limbo is difficult to maintain and can be a miserable existence and poor child rearing environment.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 6:06 AM, Thursday, March 23rd]

I'm in a similar situation

Thank you for everyone’s advice…
Of course divorce is an option, however, as we all know…it creates a domino effect.
My kids, from my previous marriage, adore him.
We are all very close!
They have always had a sense of security, because he and I parented well together.
They think the world of us…they are both adults and look up to us…
If I ever told them what happened…they would #1, be shocked!
#2, worry about me
#3, be in a possible position of taking sides and worrying about what other the right thing is to do.
#4, could potentially jeopardize their current/future relationships

Therefore, I "play along", ultimately to protect them.

Maybe I’m crazy, but it is what it is for now.

Hot mess express here!!!

Your children are adults.

Your choice to stay together in a very unhappy marriage will affect you negatively and THAT will impact your children and cause them to worry or be concerned.

You cannot hide your unhappiness from them forever (if you are that unhappy and it appears you are based on your initial post).

Your children can still have a relationship w/ him if they choose to do so. They do not have to stop being friends with him just b/c you D.

I’m going to say this and I don’t mean to imply anything but often when a betrayed chooses to stay unhappily married it is more out of fear of leaving the marriage or fear of the unknown.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 12:05 PM, Friday, March 24th]