No, I did not talk to, or even try to talk to my wife's AP. I did look at his fb twice in the last 7 months, and as you noted, it was just pain shopping and didn't do anything for me but send me down an anxiety spiral. I would not recommend it. I sometimes obsess over the fact that she had an affair at all, but I don't specifically obsess too much over her AP. He's trash, and she absolutely "affaired down" with him. He can't hold a candle to me in any area, so I've just pushed him out of my head. Good riddance.
However, my WW has come clean about everything and I was able to confirm much of her versions of events because she was terrible about covering her tracks and I read a lot of her messages to her AP and friends about her affair. So I wasn't left with many unexplained gaps or holes in her stories that didn't add up. Plus her AP isn't exactly very active on any socials.
What's missing in this post that I read in your introduction thread, is that your husband hid the fact that he even has kids with another woman, even after you married him. Then he continued to maintain a relationship with her in secret, which is a pretty big red flag. You found out about it on your own, it's almost certain boundaries were crossed, and that's more or less what brings you here. I mention all of this here because normally a husband keeping contact with an ex for the sake of the kids is pretty standard and normal behavior, and most readers might not understand the depth of the issue. What he's doing is neither standard nor normal. You also mentioned there's yet another woman he's been having inappropriate communications with?
I think it's pretty understandable that you would be lurking on her socials to try and figure out what exactly is going on, but that's just torture. If your husband would just come clean, you wouldn't be in a position where you feel the need to do that, which is just downright cruel, imo. If he's that broken up and guilt ridden over you discovering his secret(s), then he needs to just come clean and tell you everything. Because you having to do this type of detective work and exposing yourself to the OW like this is just plain torture. He needs to get that through his head. He's not doing you any favors, and doesn't seem to "get it" yet.
As for this situation, are you saying that your husband is still not being very forthcoming with information or answers unless you have hard evidence? You said you discovered he had a meet up with his baby mama for the kids last week? As in it was a while ago, and you just discovered it last week? Or was the meet up just last week and he kept it from you?
It doesn't sound like he's being honest with you still. Which tells me he's not very remorseful. Have you considered divorce, or are you still wanting to reconcile? At this point it doesn't sound like you have a lot to work with unless he becomes more transparent and starts telling you the truth.
The first couple of weeks after d day, my wife withheld information and tried to maintain a "just friends" relationship with her AP, and it wasn't until I made phone calls to lawyers and real estate agents that she broke down, came clean, went full NC, and begged me to not go through with it. She's been very consistent about repairing and rebuilding for the last 7 months now, but it wasn't until divorce was on the table that she turned the corner. I didn't do it to manipulate her. I did it to get out of infidelity, one way or another. I was prepared to go through with it if she called my "bluff." I don't know what your husband's reaction might be if you do the same thing, but You don't want to go down that path unless you're truly prepared to follow through with it if he doesn't come around. Backpedaling on that would be a disaster.
[This message edited by Pogre at 12:29 PM, Sunday, November 16th]
