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I’m the BS. It has been 2 months post Dday, and me and my partner have split up. He thinks it is a break, I have told him over and over again that it’s over (at least for now that is how I feel). I have removed everything from the house - so I think that sends a clear message.

We have a 1.5 year old baby together. So although we spent 2 weeks with no contact or communication. We are starting to message to make arrangements around the baby. Although he seems to also tell me about his day. He has also asked for my help for a few things. I do respond with 1 word answers or shut down the conversation when it’s too friendly (with something like "I’ve got to go" or "enjoy the rest of your day". I did help him with a document face to face.

It’s his birthday, and he wants to plan a day where we all go out with the kids (I have an older child) in the name of Christmas. He is being very nice by text, and I keep responding with reminders that he did cheat. When I looked back we did nothing together for my birthday this year, and it coincides with the date he went on with his ex and the flirty messages they’ve had.

I just don’t understand why he thinks that there is a future. He thinks it’s all in the past now, but it’s all so raw for me. He has torn our family apart, yet wants us to have a lovely family Christmas.

Do I send another "we are over!!!" Message - as I’m finding myself making digs at the fact he has cheated, which also isn’t making me feel great as it’s like reliving it all again. And he responds with something along the lines of "it won’t happen again and we need to stop bringing it up to move forward"

I guess we have to form an amicable co-parenting relationship, so eventually I will need to stop making digs, can anyone relate to this? Do we need to go cold turkey with communication for a longer period?

Is it really over for you?

If so, then start the process of filing for divorce (if you're married) and tell him that you no longer wish to communicate about anything except emergencies or logistics concerning the children. Do not respond to any calls or text messages that don't pertain to that. There are even parenting apps you can use for scheduling visitation, pick-up and drop off, etc, in order to minimize communication. Don't say anything to or about him that you wouldn't want read aloud to a judge in open court.

Also, co-parenting (or parallel parenting), doesn't involve sharing holidays together and hanging out as if you're friends. If your plan is to divorce (or break-up for good), then you both need to live your lives as if you were single. Doing things together as a family might actually cause more distress in the long-term doe you and your baby as it's causing confusion and preventing everyone from getting used to the change.

He's going to flip his shit and probably alternate between love-bombing and fits of rage. Prepare yourself emotionally for both and remember that no contact = no new hurts.

If you're second-guessing your decision to leave him, then let me offer you some clarity:

A man who is a good candidate for reconciliation would be asking you, "How can I fix this?"

A man who just expects you to shut up and suck it up says, "Stop bringing it up."

It’s over!

Step 1. He is blocked if he sends you ANY future texts other than his plan for seeing kid.

Step 2. You file for child support immediately.

Step 3. You stop helping him with anything.

Step 4. You each get an app that allows you to schedule visitation.

Step 5. You find a neutral party for the first 3 months of child hand offs. This way you have no contact with him and it sets the tone. You can be home but a friend or family member hands him the child. Same for the return.

"it won’t happen again and we need to stop bringing it up to move forward"

True, it won’t happen again because you won’t be in a position to cheat on me again, because I AM moving forwards. Only without you.
Might be a clear enough answer...

Just ignore anything that isn't relevant. I wouldn't even respond to his requests to spend time together. Stop telling him it's over. Remember, actions speak louder than words.

Only address relevant communication. If he starts talking about his day, throws in a question about the kids or finances, then asks when you'll be free to also spend time with him. You only respond to the kids and finances and let him know when he can come pick up his kid(s). Act like he didn't say anything else. Keep as much to text as possible. Over time, he'll eventually get tired of playing games. And that is what he is doing. He wants to wear you down until you finally stop reminding him he cheated. But that is still manipulating you. When you give him nothing, it throws him off balance.

[This message edited by StillLivin at 2:21 AM, Wednesday, December 17th]

Penelopepea, I'll give a slightly different take. Our kid is 16, and we're in the process of divorcing, but we do spend most Saturday evenings together as a family, having dinner, watching a movie, etc. We have filed for divorce, so there's no ambiguity about getting back together, so your WS needs to reach that stage of acceptance, but it's possible to get there while still having some family time.

For a while, I had to be a broken record and emphasize to stbx that I wasn't interested in reconciliation. I also had to be the one to push forward on everything divorce related. It took him a few months, but he eventually got the message. In your case, just 2 months from DDay, it's preposterous for him to ask you to put it behind you. Most of us take years to process this stuff.

I think you need to be less diplomatic in your messages to him (I have a tendency, like you, to be "nice" all the time, even when I'm annoyed). Tell him flat out that you aren't interested in being friends or having friendly text chats. Not "I have to go," but "I don't want to have conversations like this." It can be hard to find the middle ground between amicable co-parenting and being a jerk, but sometimes you gotta bit harsh for them to get the message.

As for the "digs", way too soon to consider not dishing those out. 2 months is still in the raw, worst stages of recovery from infidelity. I think you're being too hard on yourself. Sounds to me like you're just reminding him of the truth by saying "you cheated!!!" He did! And there's no reason for you to avoid saying so.

[This message edited by NoThanksForTheMemories at 2:44 AM, Wednesday, December 17th]

Well of course he said you need to stop bringing it up because that's what's easiest for him. It seems pretty typical for WS's to push for putting the affair in the past, never bringing it up again, moving on, moving forward, blah blah blah, because it makes them uncomfortable.

Oh well, too bad. You made the decision to cheat so now you get to enjoy the consequences

Just send him a message saying our relationship is dead because you cheated. I have no desire to chit chat with you so going forward unless we need to talk about our child do not reach out to me. If you continue to do so I will make it a legal matter

As far as Christmas, a baby does not understand anything at this age so if you want to celebrate Christmas with just you and your two kids then tell him that's what you are planning to do. If he wants to see the baby on Christmas you can split the day

Do I send another "we are over!!!

I would not. You have stated this already, he just isn't ready to hear it. Saying it one more time (or 50) isn't going to change that. That is on him to digest and process it.

It’s his birthday, and he wants to plan a day where we all go out with the kids (I have an older child) in the name of Christmas.

I would not do this either. You will be setting a precedent on how such events will be handled going forth. I would tell him he is welcome to take the kiddos and celebrate but you will not be going. No is a complete sentence and you do not need to explain yourself further to him. He knows what he did.

He has torn our family apart, yet wants us to have a lovely family Christmas.

Because he thinks if you partake, then he must not really be that bad after all.

You do what works for YOU and your healing.

In my early stages, I made sure everything was done by text and I gave myself a day to really think about stuff before I responded (or posted here if I needed help with it). I never knee-jerk responded with any text because I found a better way to respond if I took that time.

You do not need to go cold turkey since you have littles but you can find avenues that work for you. IE, you can move the children's scheduling to an APP to minimize interaction further. Many folks find this ideal because they can post any event on the calendar and then it is on THEM if they show. IE you don't need to reach out with things like "Tuesday is Parent-Teacher conference....do you want to go?" That invites interaction. Whereas you put it on the calendar app, and it is on them to see it and show up.

Lastly, be kind to yourself. You are in the very early, raw stages. Give yourself all the time, space and safety zone you can so you can heal.