SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Reading in other posts I stumbled upon this that made me reflect that this is probably the biggest issue I never addressed

There's just no way I could ever even remotely believe I knew everything and I would always feel like second place

This hits the wound right to its core.

I felt pain reading this, which is unusual, I thought it was gone. I only feel those emotions again if I am intentionally revisiting those days.

Never had a trigger, this is the first time.

I can only try to name this wound, call the emotions associated and integrate them.

I was not chosen. I was not enough. I was replaceable.

Because at some points in time, she put someone else before me.

Because back then, I was second place. I was last while I always kept her first.

Because I was second place, I can never be first again.

She made her priorities adamant.
I can never be chosen by her.

I felt a deep shock in reading this simple sentence. And it is so clear.

I thought no pain could touch me again, but this did right now.

Can this ever go away?
It feels impossible in this moment.

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 9:12 AM, Wednesday, February 11th]

I understand the pain of it all. You are just shattered that someone you love and trust can do this to you.

It is possible that you were "not chosen" during the affair but that has so many connotations to it.

First the cheater makes some poor decisions and very often "affairs down" meaning that the person they choose to have an affair is often "less than" the current spouse or partner. The chosen affair partner may be a person with a criminal background or addiction issues or have a life filled with problems or they aren’t as educated or are just desperate for any attention or relationship.

In my case she was much younger (20 years) than me. But heavyset and loved her body art (tattoos) which she proudly displayed. Her best feature (lol) in her mind was her boobs, which hung out of every shirt she owned. Also so her tattoos on her boobs, chest and neck could be displayed.

That is what I was being kicked to the curb for.

I wasn’t ever going to compete with her but I can tell you I was in much better shape, had a great career and was able to stand on my own two feet.

How did I reconcile that? Acceptance. And a sarcastic sense of humor helped me get through it.

My H absolutely put the OW first during his affair. Which made reconciliation very difficult. But I recognized that he didn’t cheat because of me — he cheated b/c he was UNHAPPY w/ himself.

And his affair was his way of "getting the happiness he deserved". Which is what I’m certain he told himself. So he found some desperate millenial drama Queen who told him what he wanted to hear and there you have it. An affair.

I guess the difference for me is that I chose to stay with him. Not that he decided to choose me. I chose to live my best life - and I am. It was not easy to get to this place and took years of pain and hard hard work to move past the affair.

But my H shows up every day and I can see he makes me a priority. I choose to live in the present and yes, there are days it just wallops me that we were on the verge of D due to his cheating.

But he’s not that guy anymore.

And hopefully neither is your spouse.

That’s what gets me through it. Positive attitude and not allowing myself to dwell on the past.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 2:01 PM, Wednesday, February 11th]

What the 1st Wife said!