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I am almost certain that my husband is having another affair. He lied about spending the day with a coworker, lied about driving her home and taking 10 minutes or so before leaving, is having conversations with sexual undertones, deleting messages, I swear his clothes smell like perfume, is watching porn of women who look like this woman, and what I feel like is my smoking gun -- I found viagra in his work bag and jacket pocket and the pill count is going down.

I've confronted him about everything, but the Viagra, because I just wanted to keep 1 thing in my back pocket. He is downplaying the relationship and saying the text messages were just stupid. The fact that he is having a relationship at all with a female coworker means he has zero empathy for me because the first affair was with a female coworker.

I've already contacted divorce lawyers, and am trying to focus on myself, but I also feel consumed by this, and I am so anxious. I just want every detail and to track his every move. I don't know why I feel like he needs to admit it when I have overwhelming evidence, and the lying and sneaking is enough of a reason to want a divorce. The little repair he has done after the first affair has left me checked out, and already strongly leaning toward divorce.

I don't know what to do. I can't leave, and he refuses to leave. Keeping the peace and trying to forget about it makes me feel like I will become complacent. I know I deserve more than this. My mental health is suffering right now.

[This message edited by PearlyBaker at 6:34 PM, Monday, March 9th]

I’m so sorry PB that indeed you are correct, he has no respect, empathy or compassion for you as his spouse.

As others will say, you don’t need the final smoking gun of proof to move forward with filing.

Is this AP married, if so, you know what needs to be done, inform the other betrayed.

I’m sure the lawyers you contacted have given you next steps on gathering all of the financial info.

And while in house separation is not ideal-many here have gotten thru it or are currently making it work for financial reasons.

We all completely understand wanting the "answers and proof", but he will never give you that.

Lies and gaslighting is what he is capable of.

Put yourself and your mental health first. Have you seen your doctor for possible meds to assist? Have you been able to get out of the house for exercise or fresh air? Have you confided in a trusted family member or friend?
Are you journaling?

Put yourself first and began to disengage from him and his lies.

Take care.

I believe that she is going through a divorce, but still living with the husband. Would it be right to contact him?

Pearly, I know you need proofs but you do not.

It will not change anything to catch him red handed with his lies.

When your partner is indulging in infidelity, you just know it.
Rarely it is wrong.

And is not the first time.

I know you think like with any normal person, proving them to be in the wrong will change their ways.

With cheater it just does not work.
They cheat because they find that escape RATHER THAN changing their ways, it is self sabotage.

You need to take actions for your own good girl.
Hard 180 immediately, you do not have any "burden of proof".

If he inquires why you are cutting him off and moving to get rid of him from your life, just simply state the truth: "Because you are betraying me again, so you are not worth another minute of my life"

It will be on him to crawl and prove he is changed, not on you, you are being abused, protect yourself.

I think the harder part is the lack of empathy from the WS when confronted. He knows he has been caught but he just doesn't care and that lack of empathy is emotionally crushing

I would suggest gathering hard copies of all of your financials and then going through them to see if he has been wasting marital assets (money).

If his AP is going through a divorce then I do not see the need to reach out to the ap's husband

Do a 180. Ignore him, he doesn't exist. Start making your exit plan. Figure out where you stand financially and generate an exit plan for yourself

Now the vindictive side of me might suggest taking the Viagra unless he needs it for legitimate health purposes beyond the usual application ;) That might put a damper in his extra curricular activities

But seriously, if he is not showing any signs of remorse or has no desire to reconcile then you accepting this reality and focusing only on yourself would be the better course.