SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Partner of 17 years was recently found to be having an A for about 6 months. D-Day was February 1st. We'd actually gone on a date the night before, and the following morning I heard her on the phone with someone in another room. The tone and inflection of her voice were something I hadn't heard in years and my heart sank, because I knew it wasn't one of our kids or her family. She initially lied about it being a female friend so when I asked to see the contact in her phone, the contact was listed as "Kate and Mark Sxxxxx"

A quick Google searched and Facebook search revealed there was no Kate, and the "Mark" was a single guy in our town she'd mentioned in passing before. Then the trickle truth began: we're just friends, etc. etc. A search of phone records revealed they were in communication constantly via text and call. After a long, sleepless weekend of arguing and discussing next steps, I told her that NC was the only option. She needed to text him and tell him it was over. Next day I discovered she had gone to his house to tell him in person because she just couldn't do it via text. I doubt anything was ever said except "my H knows."

What then ensued was 2 months of me having a mental breakdown over the betrayal, following her around the house and around town, only to discover that contact was still going on. Then I discovered her unsent love letter to him that detailed all of her emotions about him and the "love she'd never felt before." It was all I could do not to vomit.

We have recently had a deep discussion about where things go now. Our lives seem impossibly intertwined. We run a business together and have a significant amount of business and personal debt jointly and neither of us can afford to move out. So every day is a special kind of hell for me trying to manage my anxiety and depression and coexisting with her, AND working together every day. Our last discussion was her pitch of trying to reset our relationship, and wouldn't it be better if we both dated other people but ultimately "chose" one another if it was meant to be. Granted, I'm not blameless in how our relationship deteriorated over the years and emotional connection was definitely lost.

I can't help but think she's just being a cake-eater at this point, and only mentions this because she wants to continue the A and rid herself of her guilt by putting me back on the market, all the while ensuring she still has an income with our business. But I'm in such a mental fog some days I can't tell if this is really an adult way to look at what was a rocky relationship that needs a reset, or if I'm having my nose dragged through Sxxt a little more.

Scott, I’m so sorry to hear what you are going through.

First of all, it’s not your fault that she chose to cheat. It’s fine to accept some responsibility for the condition your relationship, but the choice to have an affair is hers and hers alone.

I think you have read the situation correctly. She knows what she’s doing is wrong. She’s seen your agony over the past two months. She wants the story to be "Scott and I decided to see other people", not "we broke up because I cheated." She also wants you around to help pay the bills and be there as a fall-back plan. Seeing other people is the opposite of resetting your relationship, it’s breaking up and being single.

Since you know what the pick me dance is, you know better than to do it, as it will only serve to exacerbate your misery. Since you don’t want to do that, and you don’t want to co-habitate together as colleagues while you date other people, that leaves you only one option.

She’s not going to end her A, and unfortunately there’s nothing you can do to make her. The people that get themselves out of infidelity do it by taking control. They become the deciders. They say, I will not stand to be treated this way, and start taking steps to end the relationship.

For your emotional health, learn the 180 - read this and make sure to read the FAQs. https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/understanding-the-180/

Speak to a lawyer or two on Monday. Google just told me that Oregon does not recognize common law marriage. Understand your rights and responsibilities. Is the house in your name only?