SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi, I've just been lurking for a while and learning a lot from all of your journeys. But today I had to join because of a tough situation that I really need to vent about, and hopefully receive some advice.

Long story short: I'm 39 and my husband (44) of 14 years had an affair with a coworker (28) for 3 weeks in December. I do know it was only 3 weeks and never became physical from their messages on Instagram, but there were revealing pictures involved and they were also fantasizing together about meeting up for sex. My husband kept saying there was no way it could work, but still he was telling her he wished it could.

Extremely traumatizing for me and it's only been a few months so I'm still suffering daily, even though R is going as well as possible. He actually came clean to me and wanted to end it with AP out of guilt, told me everything and ended it/blocked her in front of me. That was January 1st, happy new year to me.

To add a little more context, WH and AP see each other extremely rarely because his hours are usually all during the week and she usually only works weekends. He actually hasn't seen her in person since before they started their text affair, so he's had zero contact with her for months.

The week they started talking, his best friend since kindergarten died unexpectedly and tragically at only 44. So he was in an incredibly dark spot and at the same time we hadn't had sex in a few months and he felt deprived and was resenting me (none of which he communicated at the time). She noticed he was sad at work on one of the rare days they were both there due to the Christmas holidays, and she said she would cheer him up, asked if he wanted her number. He said no, I love my wife, and didn't take her number... But then got home and looked her up on Instagram that night, and things escalated from there.

By the way, she is bi and married to a woman, and supposedly they have an open relationship. I think that may actually be a lie (and wonder if I need to tell her wife), but that's a whole 'nother post.

To finally get to the original point... the company my husband and AP work for is extremely small, I'm talking 15 employees, so of course I expected everyone would find out. But for the last few months it's been totally quiet... Until yesterday.

When WH was at work yesterday, he was working alongside a male coworker (we'll call him Larry) he's friends with. Larry ended up telling WH that way back in September, AP confided in him that she thought WH was attractive. Larry said he told AP to leave WH alone, that he's a married man with two kids. He warned her not to destroy our marriage.

Then, after WH broke things off with her in January, Larry said that AP told him "Well I did what you told me not to do and I ruined that man's marriage. He told me not to contact him ever again and that he told his wife everything. I have a knot in my stomach."

Larry never brought it up all this time for whatever reason, he said it wasn't his business and he didn't know more details, but it just kinda came out yesterday when he was alone with WH.

All I can think about is this witch knew about me and my kids, she was warned, and I have just been shaking with rage ever since. I want to get back at her so badly.

I also can't stop thinking about who else she may have told. I feel like I can never show my face there again and I'm so embarrassed that my husband put us in this situation. He is extremely remorseful but said he is kind of glad Larry knows because he's a "safe" person and Larry even offered to help make sure AP doesn't come around him. WH swears he wants nothing to do with her and is disgusted by her since he's been out of the fog/limerance, realizes she is a horrible person, but it's still so hard as you all know. This new development has made it even more difficult for me to cope. I don't know what to do.

Thanks for listening.

I am sorry you are going through this. Anger at the AP is so overwhelming at times it over-shadows the real betrayer's actions. This is normal. But can I just say, you have Nothing to be embarrassed about. Your anger is justified.
My husband's AP told people that I was hysterical and exagerated when I spoke out about their emotional affair (secrets only protect the guilty party). I wanted everything out in the open. She was furious. What is helping me get through this is my husband going to therapy and defending me and our marriage. Hold your head high. You are loyal and trustworthy. Don’t let her get to you.

I'll give you a different perspective as a fWW.

My A was first and foremost about power. I was deeply insecure about the stability of my primary relationship and craved the ego boost of being irresistible to the OM. I suspect that was a motivation for your husband's AP. If she could have obtained a healthy, honest relationship with an available person, she probably wouldn't have gone after an older married man. She thought she was shooting fish in a barrel, presenting herself as the young, hot alternative to a tired marriage.

Look how that turned out for her. The married man realized, without being caught, that this side chick couldn't hold a candle to his wife. He unceremoniously dumped her and doubled down on his marriage. The coworker who told her not to try it saw her failure play out in glorious technicolor. She gave up her ethics and reputation for nothing, and she knows it. That's what the knot in her stomach is about. She knows she looks like a fool.

Anything you say to the AP in an attempt to salt the wound is not going to make her feel worse. In fact, it would probably give her a sense of power that she doesn't deserve. She sees you now as the person who triumphed over her without even trying. Why let her know she got under your skin? Instead, leave her to imagine what encountering you would be like. Would you laugh at her? Spit on her? Look right past her as your husband wraps you up in his arms? Let her torture herself with all the possibilities instead.

I will add to what bsr so eloquently said- you have nothing to be embarrassed about to keep you away from his work.

You can tell Larry doesn’t condone cheating, if he is the only one who knows then he probably feels for you in this scenario.

Even if other people there know, you aren’t the one they are judging. The people who should be embarrassed is your husband and this woman. You have done nothing wrong and while it’s normal to feel shame when a spouse cheats, it’s still not your shame to carry.

Brava Brave sir Robin.

Strawberry it is the early phase and you will feel shame inadequacy and a galaxy of other depressing emotions.

You will also feel anger and comparisons to the other woman. It is perfectly normal process, you will focus on her because your nervous system is still wired to your wayward husband and is redirecting your negative emotions towards another target to protect your partner.

This is also normal.

Truth is she doesn’t have any power over you or even him. It was his choice to do what he did and he chose the easiest available target to soothe his own deep rooted issues.

One day you’ll process this and your anger will be addressed to the correct person, him.

As brave and hiking said, you won without even trying, as we all bs did.

Is just the matter now to heal and to see if you still want the prize or you want to move on and be someone’s else prize.

Your heart will tell you

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 6:45 PM, Thursday, April 9th]

Best revenge is a life well lived.

The best revenge IS a life well lived.

What you're feeling sounds completely normal to me. I think we BS all have carried a bit of shame that our partners have been involved in an A. When D-day came out for me, I told so many people. Mainly, because I really needed support at the time. I was also going through difficulties with my family and felt utterly alone. Later, I worried about how the A and telling everyone reflected on me. But, it isn't your shame to carry. It is the AP/FWS. Don't pick that stuff up. Focus on your own healing.

Your OW sounds like mine. Real POS. I recently, like in the last day or two, found out that one of my employees knew. I didn't tell her, but the world is small. Just feelings icky. But, not my circus. I didn't do the betraying, but by God, I'm gonna heal from it.

BSR is 100% on the mark.There is absolutely nothing you could say or do this woman that is worse than all the scenarios that are whirling around in her head at this moment. She's a helluva lot more afraid of running into you than you are of the reverse.

If you go to your husband's place of business or see his coworkers, you can hold your head high.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 7:54 PM, Thursday, April 9th]

Boy, do I relate to this...

My wife works for a big company with locations all over the valley. I worked for them for 25 years. I have friends there. I know most of her co workers. So you can just imagine the humiliation I felt when she got involved with one of those co workers, who was a stranger to me. I'm pretty sure word got around to everyone she worked with, then throughout the rest of the company through the grapevine. I very much relate to how you're feeling.

I don't have much of my own perspective to add as far as how to deal with or think about it, but I really appreciate BSR's perspective. I was in management in that company and well respected. I know I'm a better man than her AP is. Just by the mere and most obvious virtue that I never hit on or slept with a married woman that wasn't my wife, or any other since I got married over 27 years ago. He's a scumbag. One who got fired not too long after his affair with my wife for something unrelated to it, but It doesn't hurt to know some people.

One thing I'm surprised that hasn't been talked about in this thread is you contacting her wife. I'd be mightily inclined to so. If for any reason a little revenge, but at the end of the day the real reason is that she deserves to know she's married to a cheater.