Hey there everyone,
I found this site/forum and feel like that after talking with my therapist, I'm at a point where I feel like I can discuss my wife/partner cheating on me with other people are who going through this/have gone through this.
We're about two weeks from when I discovered and confronted my wife about her cheating on me. We talked for the entire day on and off, and she told me she connected with someone and kissed them. I asked her if she slept with this person, and she said no, directly and with eye contact with me multiple times. To be honest, it doesn't matter if she slept with him, kissed him, once, twice...I'm gutted.
But not once have I yelled at her. I haven't raised my voice, or tried to be the aggressor here and demand that she give me her phone, or show me all of the details. Is it normal that I don't want to know the complete extent of her cheating? We quite literally were intimate the day before I found out and confronted her...We planned her birthday trip that day as well. We've got other plans for this year.
She told me she's felt depressed (she always has been to some degree, we've been together ten years, married for four) and that she doesn't have a support system here outside of me. Her parents are gone, siblings are all far away, and they're not super close. She's actually had friendships fall apart with two people in the last 2 years that made her feel unloved as well. She told me that I didn't do anything wrong, or that it isn't that I wasn't attentive, or affectionate, or caring enough either. She's felt like she's been in this depressed, gray routine of work, her crafting/candle side-business, and losing passion for her hobbies. Worst of all, she said she felt pressured to say yes to my proposal, because she thought I wouldn't have stayed in the relationship if she said no; I know this to be true that I would still have been here had we not gotten married.
I'm not saying any of her reasons/statements give her a pass, I'm not saying she didn't do anything wrong either. She's said that when she looks at me, she feels guilty (she should for now as far as I'm concerned) and she's told me multiple times that she didn't want to hurt me or set out to hurt me.
I guess what I'm getting at here is (sorry for the rather scattershot approach to my writing this everyone!) how should I go about asking my questions each day? "How are you feeling?" "Have you thought about talking to a therapist about your depression and your cheating?" - I don't want to badger her or constantly barrage her with more questions as she's had a hard time with previous toxic/abusive relationships. I want to be able to respect her autonomy and privacy if she's trying to work on this for herself and for us. But I can't help but want to ask "would you rather be with him?" Is that wrong? Weird? Normal?
I've expressed how this has made me feel, I've told her I want to work through this and really try to make our partnership better and she's said that she wants to really try too. We've had meals together, gone for walks in the forest preserve, watched a movie together since this has happened. Hell, we even sleep in the same bed still.
Am I being too accommodating? Too kind? Should I be angrier? I don't really know. But what I do know is, that I have a support system. My parents are here, alive and healthy. My 3 best friends are within 15 minutes of my place and they all know I'm in a hard sport in my marriage and would all be here to help me move out in a days notice if I just up and decided to go. My dad offered to have me move in with him for a year while I get myself sorted out too. But most importantly, I stood up for myself, I think I'm actually worth something after doing so and I know I'll be fine whether this works out or not.
Do I actually just pity my wife/partner for how she's acted and how she feels?
Again, sorry for the scattershot approach to my post here, but I felt safe writing and just wanted to see what someone else might think.
Thank you for your time.
