SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have a question about affair recovery and whether a marriage can truly heal when the betrayal was never actually worked through.

I learned that my husband had been unfaithful about five years ago. Shortly afterward, in the pain and anger of what I had learned, I was unfaithful as well. Neither of us ever really went through a true disclosure or recovery process, and we never did the difficult work of addressing the damage, rebuilding trust, or understanding what happened between us. Instead, we essentially tried to put it behind us and move forward.

My husband has never really had a desire to pursue counseling or work through the issue. I did try an online affair-recovery group shortly after everything happened, but that was the extent of the work we did.

Five years later, I still feel stuck in a tremendous amount of grief. Sometimes it feels like I'm grieving not only the betrayal itself, but also the marriage and the version of our relationship I thought I had. I keep wondering why time doesn't seem to be making this easier.

Is it possible that the reason I haven't been able to move past this is because there was never any real healing or recovery? Can unresolved betrayal continue to affect someone years later when the wounds were essentially left untreated? And, realistically, can a marriage survive and heal after this much time if only one person is willing to do the work?

I don't necessarily expect you to tell me whether my marriage can be saved. I think what I'm really trying to understand is why, after five years, I still feel so much grief—and whether that means I haven't actually healed, or whether I'm holding onto something that may be telling me this marriage ultimately can't survive.

Neither of us ever really went through a true disclosure or recovery process, and we never did the difficult work of addressing the damage, rebuilding trust, or understanding what happened between us. Instead, we essentially tried to put it behind us and move forward.

Time doesn’t really heal. The truth is all of the above takes time.

Is it possible that the reason I haven't been able to move past this is because there was never any real healing or recovery? Can unresolved betrayal continue to affect someone years later when the wounds were essentially left untreated?

Bingo.

And, realistically, can a marriage survive and heal after this much time if only one person is willing to do the work?

You can’t drag someone else through reconciliation. The marriage can survive, and you can heal, but that’s not the same as healing the marriage.

Do the work to heal yourself. At some point you’ll have to decide if the marriage you have is the marriage you can live with.

I think you are stuck in a cycle of wishing what you once had. The marriage. The innocence of loving someone who didn’t betray you. The ease in which you navigated life as a couple - that no longer feels the same.

I strongly suggest you pursue counseling for yourself. Not for dealing with the affair but helping you to get back on track to living a happy life. Or at least feeling less pain about the betrayals.

Hard to make definitive statements about the mysteries of the human spirit, but after reading stories here for about five years I’ve come to believe that betrayal wounds don’t heal without proper treatment. People report after decades that it can still be present if they attempt to rugsweep it. I hope for both of your sakes that you face it and heal.