SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Had a really good weekend, but now I feel like I'm losing my mind. Kept asking her if she wants me around or not and almost immediately felt like shit as that got her pretty upset. I don't really like my own behavior and places where my mind "likes" to wander. But maybe my mind wanders to these places as subconsciously I just want this to stop and quick fix for that would be to just walk away. The thing is that I don't have what it takes to walk away right now, or maybe never as I need to think of the kids as well.

It's like constant flipping between the fight and flight modes.

Also, I haven't been able to do my job properly for 3 weeks and now I'm getting worried that this will impact my job.

[This message edited by BusterMcBust at 10:11 AM, May 23rd (Tuesday)]

BusterMc,

You have experienced a major trauma and everything you are feeling and doing is completely normal..

Start taking care of yourself , see a doctor to help with the anxiety for the short term, not sleeping .. Get a sleep aid..

I think you need to begin the 180 and detach from your WW a little bit, this is for your benefit not hers.. As others have said watch her actions, words are hollow at this stage.. She should be doing everything in her power to help you begin healing..She should be willing to talk to you about all your questions and concerns..

Take care of yourself!

CDB

Had a really good weekend, but now I feel like I'm losing my mind. Kept asking her if she wants me around or not and almost immediately felt like shit as that got her pretty upset.

Thats the thing now isn't it. Your mind is racing a million miles per second trying to square things in your head about your relationship with your WW. Your marriage took a dump in a split second. Unfortunatly it will take much longer than that to repair if it's even possible (to the tune of 2 to 5 years minimum).

Remember your WW has had a long time to process things in her head. You've had but a couple of weeks to process this sh*tstorm. It's going to take time one way or other. The bottom line... is this a dealbreaker or not. Your WW attitude is a big factor in this. I don't know your wife but she may have the attitude of (won't he just get over it already).

After all is said and done, you may decide that you can't live with someone who can do this to you. You had NO choice in her affair... but where you go from here IS your choice.

Sleeping is not a problem, but appetite is gone. I have really hard time with sports, that have been a passion for me my entire life. My mind works very actively while exercising and right now I find it near impossible to keep my mind from wandering into dark places and thoughts. So right now I'm lacking my "go to" stress relief channels. It's almost like having a handicap keeping me away from sports.

EDIT: Eating less helps with muscle definition...Another 10 lbs and I'll have pretty good 6-pack for beach season

[This message edited by BusterMcBust at 11:54 AM, May 23rd (Tuesday)]

Yeah... the cheaters diet is not reccomended.

And here I have more conflict. My wife even communicated her feelings of guilt to AP. AP didn't seem to have any such feelings, but instead seemed to do his best to talk my wife out of such feelings.

Should not she have NC with the POS. He has no feelings. Looks like he used her for his needs. Hope she realize it. Looks like you want to R but you cannot accept what happened hence the sadness/anger and distress right? Also looks like WW want to put this in the past. Does she show enough remorse? Hope you let the POS face some consequences by contacting his wife/ work place etc. That way you may feel less agitated/down

Also, I haven't been able to do my job properly for 3 weeks and now I'm getting worried that this will impact my job.

My frind, this is the only thing that make you happy right now. Spend even more time on it. Do not let what happen destroy you. After all in the long run you or any other person has only him/her self to depend on. Compartmentalize. get angry (positively) and devote more time to the job even as a way of forgetting other things

[This message edited by goalong at 5:33 PM, May 23rd (Tuesday)]

Communication happened during affair, not after NC

I can't figure out Buster why you have s=dismissed the physical affair so easily. I can't relate to that at all.

Good luck with your situation

I'm not 100% sure why I'm not hell bent over the PA. It's not like I don't know the details, but somehow the aspects of the EA seem more significant to me.

My mind works very actively while exercising and right now I find it near impossible to keep my mind from wandering into dark places and thoughts.

Certain sports I find are good for thinking about things while you do them, like jogging or road biking. Those aren't the sports you need right now. Others consume your whole attention when you do them, like rock climbing, skiing, martial arts, or mountain biking. You find that when you get in the moment, that all of that stress falls away for a while. Try to pursue those.

Hey Buster,

What is your wife doing to figure out why she was able to do this? I can tell you are spinning mentally and emotionally. What is she doing to address her own issues?

Right now is not the time for you to decide whether or not to reconcile or divorce. You need to take some time to process this situation. Examine yourself and what you want for you in the future.

You are still at the very beginning of this process. Eventually you will hit the anger stage. Be prepared for this as well.

Look brother, your wife developed romantic feelings for another man and had an emotional and physical affair. If I had to place a bet, I would bet that their affair (at least an EA) began years ago while he was still working with her. You only know the tip of the iceberg. Right now you are trying to nice her back by putting this all on yourself. This will not work.

She broke your marriage. If she truly wants to stay with you, she should be the one aggressively working to fix this situation. She should be bending over backwards to show you that she understands how badly she screwed up, and how remorseful she is for her affair. She should also be working overtime to figure out why she was able to do this so she can fix her destructive coping mechanisms. It appears that right now she is just biding her time, hoping you will just "get over it."

Please listen to what people here are telling you to do to take control of this process for your own mental health and self-respect. Trust me, this is gonna get a whole lot worse before it can ever get any better.

Yeah, I hear you. Problem is that I don't know what I would want my wife to do and I don't think I should be telling her what to do. Maybe I will get more clarity on this and will know what I want her to do. It seems that there is no such thing as enough in this.

Right now I feel good about her constant encouragement as I'm dragging pretty deep in everything. It's amazing how I can get into a dark place in matter of minutes after a really good day and time will tell if my wife is willing to deal with this. If she's not willing and able, I hope she will be honest about it.

And about the sports. It eerily seems like some of you know me in real life...let's just say that the sports some may think to be suitable have not worked well for me yet.

[This message edited by BusterMcBust at 9:08 AM, May 24th (Wednesday)]

Ups and downs it is...

Had few OK days, but today is definitely a not so good day. Have lots of doubt and think that my wife might be second guessing herself. I'm definitely not making things easy for her, maybe subconsciously on purpose or just because my head is still pretty much a mess. On the upside, I'm becoming less and less afraid of losing my marriage. I'm still scared about not seeing the kids every day and also scared about life on my own.

On the upside, I'm becoming less and less afraid of losing my marriage

This is good thing. That means you are looking at the big picture objectively.

Once you get to the point where you could be okay with either divorce or reconciliation, you can present that to your WW. It makes a point.

It doesn't show indifference, I assume you would prefer to stay married under the right circumstances and conditions. But it does show the WW you will not tolerate certain behaviors and are prepared walk out the door if she cannot agree and live by them.

It's not love, it's business.

If she agrees, you can work on the love part, but even that will be difficult under the best of circumstances.

Once must acknowledge that it might not work out in the end. If it won't, the sooner you realize it and can get out, the better.

This is good that you both realize this up front. It puts everybody in the proper frame of mind without all the pretending.

Buster, you're just a few weeks into this shit storm and it's going to get a whole lot worse before it starts to get any better. Remember, when it comes to recovering from the trauma, starting to heal and, perhaps, working on reconciliation, we're talking in terms of years here. I'm just a bit past two years out and I still feel a bit disoriented. Feeling as if you're losing your mind is common, natural and to be expected. Infidelity is crazy-making shit, brother.

Unfortunately, there is no quick fix and the only way to get rid of the pain and anger (and whatever else) is to work through it. That means feeling whatever it is your feeling and being okay with that. It means not giving a shit if your WW feels bad about what you're telling her, after all, this is her fault, she's the one who brought this shit storm into your life. Whether you end up divorcing or reconciling it's still a long, hard road to recovery and healing.

It's like constant flipping between the fight and flight modes.

Which is why we often tell newbies to take as much time as you need to make a decision, because whatever you decide it's going to affect you and your family for years and years to come (can't remember how old your kids are, but my son had just turned four). That flight or fight mode stuck around with me for a good year and a half. I simply couldn't make up my mind. It happens. It's common, natural and to be expected.

As a BS, I lost about 30lbs in those first few months. I simply didn't have an appetite and I'm a damned good cook! I had to force myself to eat and when I did, it was small, simple meals, mostly healthy foods. I became a smoothies master (yogurt, fruit. protein, vitamins). Your loss of appetite and resulting low energy may very well be why you're struggling to play the sports you like to play.

As for your WW and not knowing what you want her to do, that's pretty common as well. For me, what I really wanted was an explanation that made even a modicum of sense. Eventually, after about six months, I simply told my wife to either make an appointment with an IC or a divorce lawyer; the choice was hers. I find it hard to believe that anyone who decides to cheat can fix their own shit.

Plenty of betrayed spouses have made IC a condition of R. I'm one of them.

Right now I feel good about her constant encouragement as I'm dragging pretty deep in everything. It's amazing how I can get into a dark place in matter of minutes...

It's truly astonishing how deeply infidelity strikes the betrayed spouse. We often refer to what you're describing as falling down the rabbit hole. I fell pretty far into the depths of that rabbit hole and it took me a good ten months to finally feel as if I'd climbed out for good. Again, this is all common, natural and to be expected.

Hold your WW's feet to the fire, Buster. Until you know for certain that she's becoming a safe partner, those doubts and fears won't go away.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 11:39 AM, May 25th (Thursday)]

We've definitely had very open and honest discussions. All the options are still on the table and we're not limiting ourselves to reconcile or divorce options. I do not know how other options would work if one or both of us are still in love with each other, but we'll see where the paths takes us.

Thanks for your good post Unhinged. I now understand better that I'm at the beginning of this "journey" and it will take a long time. With this understanding I'm starting to feel better about taking my time before I make any decisions.

And I have great physical energy. If you are familiar with body's energy systems, it feels like my lipid metabolism has kicked in...which feels quite good. I haven't hit the weights since Dday, so might have hard time with any anaerobic work. Mentally I've been quite drained pretty much on daily basis. Also have had some trouble falling asleep, but once asleep, I sleep very well.

[This message edited by BusterMcBust at 12:02 PM, May 25th (Thursday)]

One thing I have not seen you discuss and many people miss is that she needs IC to work on why she so easily went outside the boundaries of her marriage.

In many cases where the WW comes out of the fog and realizes the AP was absolutely a POS (btw how does she feel about him?) the works then starts on R. But in this scenario it's not the current AP that you need to worry about, but instead it's any potential future APs.

Your WW obviously doesn't understand what the boundaries of her marital vows mean. This will NOT be the last person at work or the gym or supermarket or other place that hits on her. If you are going to go thru R you need to have frank discussions on boundaries and how to handle these situations when they come up in the future.

She needs the tools including the right words to use with future POS's that will attempt to get into her pants. Even role playing can help.

Good luck with rebuilding your marriage if that is what you both choose to do.

One thing I have not seen you discuss and many people miss is that she needs IC to work on why she so easily went outside the boundaries of her marriage.

She will get IC, but has not yet scheduled anything. It's almost like a medical doctor refusing to see another doctor even if she does not work directly in the field of psychology. I can understand this, but have also communicated that IC is something that she must get, followed up my MC. We may not understand all the underlying issues without objective outside help even when we think we know ourselves and each other.

In many cases where the WW comes out of the fog and realizes the AP was absolutely a POS (btw how does she feel about him?) the works then starts on R. But in this scenario it's not the current AP that you need to worry about, but instead it's any potential future APs.

She hasn't said anything about AP being a complete POS, but appears to see things in very different light now. She has mentioned that she absolutely hates herself for getting involved with him and bringing all the pain to me and our family. She does see the lies AP fed her and how he didn't respect her decisions even when he said he would.

Your WW obviously doesn't understand what the boundaries of her marital vows mean. This will NOT be the last person at work or the gym or supermarket or other place that hits on her. If you are going to go thru R you need to have frank discussions on boundaries and how to handle these situations when they come up in the future.

She needs the tools including the right words to use with future POS's that will attempt to get into her pants. Even role playing can help.

I'm not worried about "random encounters". Male friends are bigger issue in my mind, but the boundaries of no alone time with opposite sex, no talking about our marriage, no flirting will help stay out of many difficult situations. I've also agreed that these boundaries apply to me too...I am not immune even if I think I am.

[This message edited by BusterMcBust at 12:35 PM, May 25th (Thursday)]

All the options are still on the table and we're not limiting ourselves to reconcile or divorce options.

What other options could there be? Are you seriously considering an open marriage? That's the only other option I can think of. If so, I can't imagine a more destructive path.

Not an open marriage, but one option might be "business relationship".