SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The “good” plan some of you are supporting is based on:

1) Sending an extra bouquet of flowers on Friday.

2) Calling his kids home because he’s willing to tell them about their moms infidelity, but he’s not willing to confront his wife about her affair.

3) Send multiple copies of a thumb-drive with personal information including texts/emails/pictures/videos. This might be a misdemeanor or a felony in 36 states so he’s facing a public charge as well as opening himself up to being sued by his wife and/or OM.

Sorry folks, but I think supporting this “plan” is cheering him as he runs towards a cliff. I can’t support that.

Agree with Bigger. Not to mention that this plan almost surely means that they can't reconcile since she failed this test that the OP set up and didn't tell his wife about. I know many here just say Divorce no matter what but there are people that successfully reconcile and it is an option on some cases. Here the OP says the choice is hers but he isn't laying out the choices for her. Yes she has chosen to have an A but so have all of the WSs that bring people to this site. If you believe that Reconciliation is possible then shouldn't the OP give his WW a black and white choice here to come back to the marriage and see if they can R. As it is she is of course going to go on the trip, it is just part of the A for her. She is not aware that he has made this into a do or die choice by sending her flowers.

I don’t see how his plan is any different than favored posters here who blew up their spouses world.

He doesn’t want to reconcile. His wife doesn’t need a choice. She made vows with her husband.

We haven’t seen the messages. He has.

No one encouraged A-1 to stay with his beyond remorseful wife.

This woman is in an ACTIVE affair. She knows going on this trip is wrong and doing it anyway.

Edited-NOT SPEAKING about FLASH DRIVES. If he wants to serve papers....he has this right.

[This message edited by Iwantmyglasses at 6:05 PM, March 22nd (Thursday)]

Even if he is determined to divorce then his plan is bad.

Any advantage her infidelity might offer him in divorce – such as a possibly better negotiating stance – will be totally destroyed by the possible civil and public legal issues he will be dealing with.

Imagine this scenario:

WW Divorce lawyer: “OK – So if WW get’s the house, the BMW and half your pension she might be willing to not sue you for distributing revenge porn. She’s willing to ask OM to drop his claim and she will ask the DA to show clemency. Sign here and maybe you will only get a fine and community service.”

BTW - can you point us to posters that have broken the law and are considered “favored”?

I should have been clear. I was speaking of serving the divorce papers. He SHOULD NOT mail out these flash drives.

—I forgot about that part—

My point has been from the beginning of this that the OP says he has given her a choice and I contend that he hasn't. It is literally in the title he gave the thread. She doesn't know he has given her this choice. Why shouldn't he make the choice explicit?

She absolutely had a choice. She had a choice to turn away from her boy toy.

This wasn’t a mistake. This trip isn’t a mistake. She has made choice after choice after choice.

If the OP cannot see himself reconciling. He doesn’t need to try. He has this right.

I think you should do whatever you want to do because ultimately you will. But you have had some very good advice here on how not to blow up your own world further, along with hers.

Also, scrap the sending flowers idea, once she finds out you know about the A and sent them then it will just look manipulative and game playing, it makes you look bad and you do not want her to have anything to throw back at you. Think about it.

Do not send the emails and video without warning to family and friends. Do let them know they exist and if they would like to see it you are more than happy to oblige. Somehow I don't think there will be any takers but they will know it is there. Also this is something I would seriously consider leaving until you have at the very least confronted your ww.

Please do not tell your kids. They do not need to know anything at this point. I think bringing them in is possibly a selfish motive to hurt ww you probably don't see that but from the outside that is how it will seem. It really is not a good idea and she will not be caring at this point if she did she wouldn't be in an A at all. They should be priority and their well being above all else. If you have one at home still and are worried about them hearing you then you do what most of us do, wait until they are not in earshot or until they are out or you both go for a long walk and talk then.

Sorry you are here but you really need to step back and breath, go to the dr and get something to take the edge off your anger. Seriously you need it to think clearer and calm down. Best of luck to you. I hope you really consider some of the advice on here.

I guess, i am confused here... she is being served.

What is everyone going on about, before he posted, his plan was in action, with lawyers and a date and time to be served D papers... so what is the debate about?

His venting is about "hope".... this is normal, we all go through the emotional and the logical path. He already started his path, he is not in limbo with this.

There are quite a few stories where the BS let the WW go and serve them while away and gained the upper hand if there is one to be had... way better than so many that do nothing or are in limbo. We don't have enough info from the OP as to get specific on legal advantage but I gather his lawyer which he already stated is advising him.

Emotionally he wants to ensnare her, what BS doesn't, but his words and his actions are 2 different things from his posts.

I agree with the plan to tell kids, but keep it civil, i have seen too many times where the kids are supposedly being "protected" when in the end, they blame themselves... revealing to the kids is not about spreading toxicity.

Maybe my perception is wrong here, the literal part is that she is being served, he made up his mind to D and has his affairs in order.

At the same time, he emotionally has hope in that scenario of "don't make me do it" in that she somehow magically will catch herself. We know and he knows it won't happen, thus is why he has already taken action vs so many BS that struggle with it.

He does not want to stop her in the end, he has already made up his mind by having her served and is already destroyed (damage done) and wanting to vent as he watches the movie of his marriage go off the cliff.

In the end there is "no choice is hers", i gathered that from his first 2 posts by already having the legal work in process... let him emotionally vent here, i gather he is wanting to vent and have comfort from the horror his WW has done. Contrast this to so many BS whom have no plan, nothing going on and the title would be more literal in that context.

[This message edited by atreides at 9:15 PM, March 22nd (Thursday)]

Excellent point about videos and pictures. Thanks

This is the OP's post from 3/21. He gets it about the issues raised by M1965.

Wonder why I can’t sleep tonight????

I don’t have the energy to read of your texts right now, but I’m sure that they come from your heart and are meant to be as helpful as possible.

The only two that I read are from Atreides and thr one under it.

Alreides, you are basically correct. Thank you

And as FYI, everyone has convinced me of not doing anything with the photos and videos. I will allow pos’s Wife to see them if she wishes, but on my laptop. I will not give them to her.

Going to go back to staring at the ceiling then watch her sleep, and repeat process until alarm goes off

Hang in there brother. This sucks. I'm sorry you are going through this.

You are getting yourself out of infidelity.

Are you confronting her tomorrow or letting her go?

[This message edited by WilliamM at 1:09 AM, March 23rd (Friday)]

Look, you've still got time to change how this goes down, can I suggest a small alteration?

Why don't you say to WW before she leaves "I know you're having an affair with Alex Asshat. You are free to do whatever you want with whoever you want, but not as my wife. You have a choice to make and there will be consequences no matter which path you choose, but I'm going to need an answer now, because I intend to move on with my life with or without you."

If she still goes to her "conference", than you can still have her served at the hotel. But if she chooses not to go, then you have additional options depending on what YOU want to do.

nme

I agree with nme1's post.

From an outsider to your situation looking in, letting her go when you already know what is going down is passive aggressive and counter-productive. Understand this is not about you or your marriage. Understand that she is compartmentalizing every move she is making. Stand up for yourself and your marriage now.

Sending good thoughts and strength your way ... this weekend is going to be tough ... but Monday will come and you will have a future in front of you.

All the best.

Tell her that you have decided to go to the conference with her and watch her response.

Personally, I don't think the plan is all that bad if your position is that in order for you to want to reconcile, she would need to come to her senses and cancel the weekend. Of course, she won't. You're testing someone who doesn't know they are being tested, but I guess that is sort of the point for you. It ignores certain realities regarding infidelity and those who engage in it, but if your "default" position regarding your wife cheating on you is divorce, I can see why you would do it this way. If on the other hand you would prefer to have a remorseful spouse with whom you can ultimately reconcile, then I fear this plan is not going to give you that.

As far as telling the kids, if you are 100% certain you will not reconcile with her if she leaves on her trip, then I for one am in favor of telling the kids you're divorcing and why. Not the gory details of course, no pictures, no video, a simple "your mother has been having an affair and I have decided that is a deal breaker for me" would suffice. They are old enough to understand and I think telling them both in person is actually a good idea.

It's the "vengeance" part of the plan that is a huge problem. Do not show anyone the evidence you have with the exception of the OBS, and then only if she "needs" to see it. I'm quite certain your WW will fess up once this all goes down, so there is no need to make it any worse than it is, it is already terrible. If your WW tries to play the blame game or deny reality with the kids, a simple "tell the truth or you'll have to explain away the evidence I show the kids/family" should be enough to convince her to tell the truth.

However, if you have any desire at all to reconcile, this plan sucks. Testing someone who doesn't know they are being tested is guaranteed to get you as poor result. You want her behavior to change without telling her what behavior is causing the problem. That's not going to happen.

I recognize that a cheater should know they are engaging in unacceptable behavior, but still. Go visit the OBS with your proof, blow up his world, and the second you leave that encounter call/text your wife with a simple "I know all about your affair and plans for the weekend." Nothing more, no explanations, no proof, nothing. If she doesn't come home but goes on the trip anyway, then you have your answer as to what she wants. If she comes home, then you will have to decide what you want.

The flowers are a nice touch, but I sent my XWW flowers at work as well, suspecting but not knowing for sure she was cheating. She used them to make the OM jealous and get him to pay for an actual motel room that same night instead of having to do it in the back of a van.

I agree with Iwantmyglasses above.

he doesn't want to reconcile and yes, she had a choice to either cheat or not cheat. he doesn't need to present her with another choice. She already had one and she made it.

Bigger makes one good point above. I would serve her and be done with it. Expose but carefully. he has the legal advantage now and shouldn't blow that by doing something reckless.

I disagree with those who say expose before she goes. if he was trying to save this, then yes. he isn't so why confront, have her stay and gaslight you while she starts to hide her continued affair ?

I do feel that he needs a solid plan for when she comes barreling home tonight. His current gameplan of being depressed, not sleeping, and spinning his own wheels thinking of games to play is not going to help him be prepared for the coming confrontations and relational maneuvers he will be facing this weekend.

I do applaud 2018 for coming to a quick decision regarding hiring attorneys and filing.

Sorry that you're having a hard time 2018. I'm rooting for you. Stay strong.

Actually I think 2018's plan is brilliant... even IF he ends up reconciling (which he has made abundantly clear that it's not likely). Scorched earth will give him the position of absolute strength.

All ducks in a row... CHECK.

If the WW wants to R she will know for a fact that her starting point is from the bottom rung of the ladder. Also this leaves NO room for his (almost adult) children to get a believable alternate reason for the WW cheating to be spun up as his fault. She can try but it wont work. She's been caught with her hands deep in the cookie jar.