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Can They Love & Cheat?

Not a hard question to answer, but each individual has to do a little work and commit to how the concept of love is operationalized to suit them. Like the concept of compassion may look quite different to different people, it still may be compassion, but executing it may look quite different based on what it means to you.You have to already have a workable definition of love before you can know if it can coexist with cheating.

Step 1: Make your decision about the definition of love. What does love look like, behave like. What would be behavior that would not comply with your view of love.

Step 2: Once you have the confidence of your own conviction and definition of love, decide if betrayal, deception, manipulation, rejection, dishonesty, endangerment, etc., can coexist with your definition of love.

In most cases, they can or can't coexist. If they can't, then you have to decide how much rationalizing you are willing to do to buffer that discomfort.

Can they love and cheat. It all depends on YOUR concept of love, particularly how it is reflected in behaviors.

This question comes up fairly often over the years, not just here on SI. While it has been limited to a very few, I have come across a small number of folks that define love strictly as a feeling. When that is the case, almost any behavior or choice could coexist with that definition.

[This message edited by DIFM at 6:46 AM, May 31st (Friday)]

^^^yes DIFM.

Even to me getting the freak on, having someone new, and doing it in exciting places meet an emotional need.

there's gonna be a LOT of lying involved, manipulation and misdirection, it's just part of the dance.

That doesn't matter. The person being lied to is married. Is lying to their spouse. Is allowing themselves to be chased and lied to. Besides what does it matter if the man is doing all the chasing. The woman giving in return to the chasing has the real power. I bet the large majority of women saying they were "taken advantage of" enjoyed the chase just as much as I did. There is a reason why they give in. If the "player" was good on his word of whisking her away would it make it okay? So, he isn't a liar and taking advantage of a woman taking advantage of what they(the player) could provide and also take advantage of their BS? See, the WS takes advantage of what the AP promises. Doesn't matter if it is a lie or not. They both take advantage of each other.

[This message edited by Zugzwang at 8:02 AM, May 31st (Friday)]

WS takes advantage of what the AP promises. Doesn't matter if it is a lie or not. They both take advantage of each other.

This.^^^^^^^

My WH said he used his AP and took advantage of what she was giving him. They used each other.

Did he love me during his A? No. I don't believe he did. BUT, I also don't think the love he did have for me pre A was completely dead. If it had been dead, he would have left and divorced me.

A's fuck up a WS's head and they don't obviously think straight. Everything is skewed in order to justify what they are doing. I think they tell themselves they don't love their BS because if they did, how could they fuck someone else?

The thing is, I don't think they loved their AP's either.

[This message edited by Evertrying at 11:31 AM, May 31st (Friday)]

Here's what it sounds like to an outsider: I believe men but I don't believe women. I also think men should be punished harder and women are loony-bin innocents who get taken advantage of by tail-chasing men.

YES!!!! I think you summed up why that shit bothers me so much. It is dismissive toward women.

I do think my fch thought he still loved me. He tells me he always loved me, never stopped. Had no plan or intention of leaving or replacing me.

His A started as him talking to a friend about our M problems and her supposedly helping him. He thought he had finally found someone who he could talk to who could help him fix pur M. He even thought we could all be friends because she was such a good person!

Obviously, his actions do not convey love of or to me.