SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

"Always about the sex, isn't it. You need some serious help. You really are a mix of the worst parts of both your parents and you disgust me. I don't think you ever loved me. If you did, you wouldn't wish for terrible things to happen and it wouldn't be so obvious that what really gets to you has nothing to do with the boys it has to do with you losing control. Top marks for playing the victim and being so bitter and twisted like your Mum. It's never your fault, is it? You bloody well had it all and you messed it up by being selfish and lazy.............."

Good lord, it gave me chills to read almost verbatim what my STBX has written; I mean SCARY how close it matches, every bit. Like your WW, my STBX is Love Canal toxic, bleeds Dioxin, and exhales Zyklon B gas... You must shield yourself from it, and as has been said, NC is your savior, the only one.

Best of luck, and realize the worst is yet to come, before the beginning of a new and better life.

I thought I knew my wife. I wouldn't be surprised if more revelations are exposed over the near future

I found out lots of things at close to the stage your at.

If I knew then what I know now it would be....

Stop contact with this toxic person! Detach! Get your mind back.

Trying to reason with someone in this selfish mode is impossible. Crazy is their reality. It will drive you insane trying to make sense of crazy...do not go there.

My XWW changed into a thing I could not recognize. 3 years later, same thing. Total alien.

This is the hardest part, but it time for you to fake it till you make it. Do not interact at all if possible. Not one text, call, email...nothing.

After some time passes you will start to feel better as your provider of torture is no longer present. STAY AWAY.

It will help you only mildly...but it provides some mental relief if you can make mental notes of things you don't like about her. Not A things, things like bad breath, places there was fat, crooked teeth. Think hard. Everyone has flaws, focus on those and re-write them in your mind to make them worse than they were if needed. It can help trick your mind, if for even only some slight releif, of what this does to your head.

When my XWW did exactly as yours is doing, even after her and POSOM were done, she never changed or looked back with remorse. Your situation may be different, but to me she sounds like a goner, for forever.

I really hate to say something like that to you, but in hindsight i wish someone had told me that.

The truth is that the folks here did, but I had big time trouble listening. As long as you don't heed this you may have more very troubling PAIN. Horrid pain.

All the best, take care of those kids and yourself. It will get better.

my thoughts?

fuck her....she can go take a flying fuck. She will get hers in the end....the game will wear off....she will be miserable....swinging dick will be miserable....

Long Gone that's how I feel now too. Now. Most of the time.

The problem I had, I think after 3 years of thinking about it is...I don't like to loose. I don't like the thought of an OM banging my woman and I put her on a pedistal that she didn't/doesn't deserve to be on.

I can't tell you how many times we read on SI that people would have considered an A to be a total dealbreaker and they would absolutly D...until it happened and they see it differently all of the sudden.

Getting your head and your heart together is very tough, especially if they are both screwed up.

I say give yourself time to digest this shit sandwich and then you will know what's best, perhaps, thinking with a clear head. Or clearer lets say. I got back together with XWW after the first time she screwed around on me only to have it happen again.

YMMV as every situation you see on here is as different as they are the same.

Thanks for all of your support. Thanks especially to OKNow. You're right. It does tacitly demonstrate that my transgressions are minimal and certainly not worthy of an affair.

Strict 180 now. Bracing myself for the mediation and lawyers letter. I saw her yesterday when we handed over the children. She used to at least fake a smile and pretend to be civil. Now she refuses to even look at me! That helps me, believe it or not.

@allatsea. Sent you a PM.

You have two reasons to communicate with stbxw -- the kids and divorce. Once divorce is done it is down to just the kids. Like someone else stated -- remove yourself from stbxw and OM life -- the sooner the better. The best thing for you is to make sure you live a happy life with your kids going forward -- time will heal the heart about stbxw -- but quite frankly after reading her emails -- you should consider yourself one lucky person to get her out of your day to day life. It's all about her -- and no one else.

[This message edited by JH52 at 9:55 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)]

Impastit,

Thanks for your words. The A wasn't a deal breaker or even the lies afterwards. I could see that she was foggy. I could also see that she would blame me. I could accept, but only just, that she thought she was in love with him and moved out without giving me a chance. Added all together and with the recent abuse, I'm done. I'm convinced (but without proof) that there were other affairs or ONS in her past that she hasn't mentioned. I see a pattern of seeking men's approval and needing to be wanted, sexually. I wanted her everyday, flirted, romanced, experimented and flattered. I wasn't enough. She even admits the need for it in one of her emails to POS. She wanted for nothing in our marriage. I worshipped her and put her on a pedestal. I was not emotionally void. She was.

[This message edited by allatsea at 6:56 AM, May 9th (Thursday)]

Just keep posting on SI throughout this ordeal. We are your friends and you will receive support and advice that will help you over the rough spots.

I am so pleased at the strength of your resolve; you see the way forward and are determined to get through this crisis ASAP.

Can't say I'm impressed with your WW. She seems to be intolerant of imperfections, excusing her own of course. Jumping from marriage to an affair, looking for that perfect male who will make her wonderfully happy.

The perfect lover, always takes garbage out, great with kids, amazingly tolerant and generous. When he falls short and disillusionment sets in, she's back to square one.

Take a listen to the old Bob Dylan song - It aint me babe. Perfect fit for your ungrateful WW.

I just want to say you are doing amazing.

You will be fine on the other side of this, I hope you will stick around to help others through the shitstorm of an A after you have healed.

((((and strength)))))

I see a pattern of seeking men's approval and needing to be wanted, sexually. I wanted her everyday, flirted, romanced, experimented and flattered. I wasn't enough.

What you said here is exactly what I found in my STBXWW also. There are other issues too but this was one of them. It's when they won't/don't see that, and you realize even if you wanted it to work out, you'd most likely be back in the same predicament later on down the road. I won't compete for her affections and trust. And I won't make her the prize of the relationship at my expense.

My heart goes out to you my friend.

I am very sorry for your position---and understand your feelings all too well.

That said, I'd suggest that you NOT entertain even the notion of a new relationship until you are done with the one you have. Not even one in which you "take it slow."

That includes not only the time necessary to divorce, but the time necessary to heal. You're only weeks out from your wife's defection!

You've barely scratched the surface of your grief yet. It's not fair to invite another woman into your life when you have unresolved issues with your current marriage.

It stands to hurt her badly. And it may hurt you and your boys, as well.

Your posts make it clear that you are honorable and kind. I understand the draw of a new relationship, particularly in the aftermath of the blows that infidelity deals. But really---it's not the right time. For anyone involved.

Allatsea, tend to agree with you on the assessment that she has probably been engaged in previous affairs as part of her search for the upgrade male.

Afterall her mother did blame you for snooping and finding out about the affair instead of staying ignorant and allowing the fling to run its course. Its distinctly possible that your WW has been unhappy with your marriage for some time, [unrealistic expectations as she has inadvertently disclosed], and has experienced other liaisons outside the marriage.

This time you caught her and she went for broke; moving in with the OM and taking the kids. Its possible she didn't really want this; she could end up with no SO if things follow the typical pattern. You are definitely better off without this morally bankrupt woman and I suspect, repeat cheater.

This forum has been my saviour. With support from my friends and the support and understanding from all of you, I have been able to be stronger much sooner than I would typically expect. My strength wavers daily but the clarity that comes from all of your experience has provided me with the assurance that I am not the bad guy. She is broken and always has been.

I accept that I shouldn't get involved with anyone new this quickly. I am not looking for a relationship. I just want someone to share conversation with, a meal and a bit of tv ( not too much tv, obviously, as this would be grounds for an affair .

My children have informed me today that WW and POS have just had premium satellite tv installed. Oh, the hypocrisy. Or is it irony!?

a meal and a bit of tv ( not too much tv, obviously, as this would be grounds for an affair)

WW and POS have just had premium satellite tv installed

I know you will resist the urge to write and warn POS about the dangers of tv! Really, sometimes all you can do is laugh at the inverted logic of the wayward mind. They are immune over in magic unicorn land, don't you know?

[This message edited by Lyonesse at 4:25 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)]

I am truly sorry that this cruel person has done this to you. I should say persons as this despicable heartless selfish fool of a man that thinks he has it all with your wife and children......HE DOES NOT!!!! you like us all do not deserve to be treated this way. I have had my WS leave twice for a selfish bitch but alas he saw that it was real living out there and the fantasy does not continue. He tells me he still cares for her and fell in love...bullshit!! there is no love just fantasy. Sounds to me like your WS is going through some sort of identity crisis. She is definitely in a bubble and to be causing you so much pain is vile and disgusting. I have come to the conclusion that when this happens its not actually about us but all about them. She will soon see or perhaps him that this situation she has placed herself in is not real life. It will become very unstable when bills need to be paid, someone has a bad day, the kids are demanding and of course they are not his children so little tolerance there. I am thinking that he will not like how things evolve as there affair and it is only an affair has no foundation. Bot a real relationship. Not built on anything but lies and deceit. It will come crashing down. The affair is extremely young and not a lot of time to develop anything really except lust!!!! I know how incredibly difficult this is for you in the raw state that it is. I would recommend seeing your doctor and getting a good therapist straight away so you can get perspective and try to remain healthy. It knocked the wind out of me. I didn't eat or sleep and lost way too much weight. Could not function at all so please take care of yourself. If you want to win her back stand your ground. Fight for your children. it is not a healthy environment for them to be in with her and her affair partner because that's all it is ATM. That will shake her up a bit, speaking from a woman's point of view. Your children do not need to be apart of your wife's frivolities.....she does not deserve them. Be strong. Be brave. Put on your armour. Go into battle for what you believe in. Things will become clearer as time goes on and you can make better decisions then. But get your kids out of there. Remember to breath and this is not your doing!! EVER. Take care and hugs to you :)

I agree with Titanium ((((allatsea)))

Thanks Titanium,

I agree, too. Although I have seen a therapist she is of the opinion that I am doing everything right and extremely focussed on the children and getting my life back on the rails. She agrees with every direction I have taken. I put it down to this forum. Whilst I am by no means healed and 'over it' and won't be for a long time, I have realised that I cannot do anything about my situation other than make the best out of it. My lawyer tells me that she has admitted adultery (difficult not to) and this likely means that a judge will order her to pay my legal costs! If she wants to play silly buggers then my solicitor will happily spend her money!

I have accepted that she is no longer my wife, she is free to screw whomever she wants. She has been for years, I suspect. The scar tissue is closing the wounds.

My boys are all that matters

I have never posted here before but that letter from your wife has prompted me to.

First of, let me just say allatsea, you are handling this well and being very practical and proactive about your situation. That is great. And you will get through this. The only people in your life who matter are the ones to whom you matter and clearly your wife does not fit that criteria. Your boys are what you live for and rightly so. They will never forget this betrayal of their mother's or the fact that you were the one to support and comfort them during this nightmare. I only hope your wife's stupidity and disloyalty hasn't messed up their perception of relationships or women.

And now to say what I have been itching to say since reading your wife's response to your e-mail - WHAT A B!TCH!!!! I have NEVER said that about ANYONE on a public forum but it needed to be said. Talk about blameshifting. It's quite obvious she has nothing concrete on which to base her disloyalty to you and is grasping for straws to paint you as the villain. If things were so bad, surely she could have spoken up as she has clearly shown her ability to do. And the comments about your mother seeking spiritual help and the associated insinuation was disgusting. Maybe the thought of a higher spiritual being disturbs her because then it would mean that she will pay for what she has done. She clearly has no qualms about pointing out any dysfunctionality that may have existed in your previous home life and using it against you which is tantamount to emotional abuse.

allatsea, one day her alpha stud (who is soooo much better than you ) will do to her what she has done to you and what I'm sure he's done many times before and the fallout and impact on her will be so terrible, you may actually feel sorry for her. She is so clearly deluded that a slap back to reality may leave her on her knees. But until then, please forget this harlot and her evil wiles and focus on doing and being everything you have always wanted to be. When you look in the mirror, be proud of what you see. That is something she can never take away from you or truly experience herself.

*rant over*

[This message edited by BananaBread at 6:28 AM, May 9th (Thursday)]

Just re-read her e-mail to you; what a ridiculous bunch of comments. There is absolutely no valid criticism contained therein that is grounds for what she did. She broke up a family and distressed your kids for what?

She has no respect for you and doesn't realize that the problem is her basic dissatisfaction with her existence. Things are never quite good enough and she's always searching for a better deal. The idea of being content with your lot in life doesn't resonate with her.

I think she's living in fear right now; fear of failure and loss of face. The OM is being asked to co-habit with another mans children and thats going to be the bomb that will undermine this sick affair. Just avoid confrontations and move on with your life. The Karma bus is parked around the corner.

Is it possible to report this affair to your WW's company management? In most companies its grounds for dismissal to conduct an affair with a subordinate. Either way, it may be possible to embarrass him by publicizing his behavior.