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I think as a human going through this shit you have to lose control once in a while. Otherwise things just build up inside you end up with pancreatic cancer.

Absolutely. At this point, I embrace the angry moments, because I know I'll feel better by letting it out and moving forward just a bit.

Good luck with IC, hopefully you get a decent counselor.

I don't want my identity to be a "betrayed spouse".

Betrayed is what happened to you, but it is not who you are. You didn't ask for this or deserve it, regardless of how your M was before.

We have to deal with it either way, but I believe it is a choice to let this shit define us or not.

Birthday weeks.

Most people including myself have birthdays. One day to celebrate. The only thing I have asked for as long as we have been married is to have a dinner with my wife, our son, and our dog and a chocolate lava cake with a scoop of vanilla ice ream.

Thats fucking it. Thats all I want. I am a grown fucking man. If I want some material thing, I can just buy it myself. I can very little pleasure from things. So that's what I ask for. Every year.

You know what? I got that once.

There is always a fucking excuse. We didn't have the right baking pans to make the cakes. Last minute problems getting the right mix.

It really pisses me off. But what I am I going to do? Get mad because I didn't get a cake? It sounds so stupid. So I just say, not worries. It wasn't that important. I understand.

Fuck that.

I don't understand.

How can a grown ass woman not bake a god damn cake when she has 364 days to prepare? How fucking hard is that?

Whats even worse, is that my wife has birthday weeks.

You read that right. Weeks. She gets a little special present or something every day for a week. Cupcakes today. Balloons or flowers tomorrow. Breakfast in bed another day. And on and on.

And she mopes about the whole week worried that she's getting older, that her friends are calling her enough.

You know what I did this year?

I made her 3 special videos.

Funny fucking videos. With hired actors. (not very expensive) but still I went through a shitload of trouble doing it. I showed her one a day for three days.

I posted them on her FB page so all of her idiot friends could be reminded it was her birthday week and make her feel more special.

She thought they were "cute".

Fuck her.

This is probably my pathology straight out of NMMNG.

I think I try way too damn hard with her.

I got to get a life.

Birthday week. Never again.

Vent away, Grizzly! Let it all out!!!

Yup, no more birthday "weeks", no more folding laundry for her, no more fixing her problems, no more working your ass off for HER dreams and...shoot, grizzly, please don't tell me you also used to wipe her ass for her!

All kidding aside, your are starting to realize these as enabling behaviors. We mostly do this to ourselves, then enable the people around us to take part in the abuse. You are NOT going to be a "Nice" guy anymore. Time to really fix and take care of you. One of the hard learned experience I got from getting out my own infidelity and into my new beginning is there is a WORLD of difference between being with someone who WANTS to be with you as opposed to NEEDS to be with you. One adds to the quality of the life and the relationship, the other just drains the life out of it. Let's see if your WW will convert from being a NEEDER to a WANTER. I have to warn you though that little "princess's" do NOT like to give up thier self provisioned tiaras. Regardless, you keep working on being the man that deserves a real woman and maybe she will follow your example of self reflection, evaluation, and reconstruction.

Hey Grizzly,

Back to the VAR ideas for a minute. since your wife spends most of her free time at home , it might behoove you to put a VAR where she does most of her talking on the phone (couch, bed,etc.). She sounds like she has plenty of free time to communicate as she pleases, so one at home would likely bear fruit. One in the car, for sure, also.One on your person is to protect you from false DV charges as well as document anything she tells you to make sure she doesn't try to re-write the "facts" later. Good luck, we're all supporting you.

Grizzly:

As a reformed nice guy, I can tell you that it is straight out of the NMMNG pathology. This year, invest that much energy into you.

Take a week and go do whatever the hell you want to for your birthday.

You: Wife, I will be leaving on x day, and return a week later.

Her: What will I do about the house and the kids?

You, shrugging: You can figure it out.

Then go have a blast for your birthday.

Thank you guys for your comments.

You're all correct.

NO MORE MR FUCKING NICE GUY.

He died two weeks ago.

I am here now.

You know I was terrified by the idea of divorce. Just fucking terrified of it. How could I live alone? What about my poor kid? Would I ever meet another woman? Could a woman love a man who's divorced and has a kid?

Whatever will I do?

I mean these thoughts were constantly swirling in my head.

Especially at night.

Would I become an embittered single dad?

What would my family think (not that I care all that much anyway, they have always been less than supportive in so many ways).

I think my testicles are starting to grow back.

The idea of divorce is not appealing.

But it is no longer terrifying.

The only thing I have been getting out of this marriage if I am being honest is a wonderful kid and half-hearted companionship.

I feel like I have given and sacrificed so much more.

So what the hell do I have to lose?

A lying, deceitful, unfaithful wife, who is lazy, unmotivated, and couldn't cook a god damn meal if her life depended on it?

I found out today that she donated some money (my money) to on of her exboyfriends.

When I asked her about it, she said, "I'm sorry I should have told you."

No, you shouldn't have told me. You shouldn't have done it! Who the hell donates their husbands money to their exboyfriend? What kind of an idiot do you have to be to do that?

And she didn't "ask" me because she knows I would have said "Hell no!".

She says she is getting a job. (I will believe it when I see it).

I have suggested she pay me back the donation from her first paycheck.

I think if she ever gets a job, she will understand the sting of things like this more.

Her free ride is about to come to an abrupt end.

And birthday week - hell yeah. I think I deserve that. I have always wanted to do things like that with my family. But next year, maybe it will be a week just for me.

I am starting to see myself differently.

I have been walking trails this week and listening to music and thinking about this nightmare.

Some of my musical taste is total shit.

Here are some of the titles I have really enjoyed in the past. Some are downright embarressing for a grown man to be listening to:

Rolling in the Deep - Adele

Don't you remember - Adele

How deep is your love - BeeGees

Like a Star - Corinne Bailey Rae (listen to this once and you'll become a eunuch. Guaranteed)

What a Fool Believes - The Doobie Brothers

Say - John Mayer

Don't know why - Norah Jones

For Once in My Life - Stevie Wonder

Don't get me wrong. I have some good music too. A lot of it.

But when did I cease to be a man? Why do I listen to this stuff that slowly castrates me?

Something for the therapist and me to talk about I think.

Grizzly:

Surely someone hacked your account and just typed that tripe...or I mean..."music"...

Dang, dude. I am more worried about that than I am the fact than the infidelity.

Find some music that has some intensity to it. FFS, who can lift to the sound of the Bee Gees?

Who the hell donates their husbands money to their exboyfriend? What kind of an idiot do you have to be to do that?

This one:

[This message edited by WornDown at 3:55 PM, November 2nd (Wednesday)]

Rolling in the Deep - Adele

Don't you remember - Adele

How deep is your love - BeeGees

Like a Star - Corinne Bailey Rae (listen to this once and you'll become a eunuch. Guaranteed)

What a Fool Believes - The Doobie Brothers

Say - John Mayer

Don't know why - Norah Jones

For Once in My Life - Stevie Wonder

Hey, those are all good songs - don't toss them in the bin.

Just sprinkle them in with the Waylon, Metallica, and Rush.

You know I was terrified by the idea of divorce. Just fucking terrified of it. How could I live alone? What about my poor kid? Would I ever meet another woman? Could a woman love a man who's divorced and has a kid?

I had to chuckle when I read this because I had those exact same thoughts, as many if us former "Nice" guys did, right after our own Ddays.

I got a big secret to tell you. A divorced single dad with a decent job and a place to live is not only a highly prized man because he is "proven" to be responsible, but a lot of women think we are sexy as hell. All I can say is watch out if word gets out that you may become an eligible bachelor/single dad because some of these women (quite possibly including one or two of her you go girls) will be reaching out to you.

You will also start getting more noticed and flirted on by other women on your day to day interactions. It will be because of your growing confidence to take charge of your own life that starts to radiate from your attitude.

I also like the idea of a birthday week to treat YOU. Just an idea maybe taking your son to Disney World for a guys only trip. You get to really bond with him since you've been working so much for so long. I think you two would have a blast.

Don't be too hard on yourself Griz - being a decent human being who was taken advantage of can certainly change the world view forever, like it did mine, but being decent wasn't the problem before.

Your WS doesn't seem to appreciate that or you at this point.

My only silver lining is my fWW saw it in my eyes right away - I could take or leave this M in an instant. She was certain her confession was a deal breaker, so her remorse kicked into high gear right out of the gate.

I think the SI 180 is in order for you. Make her understand D is your first option. If a light doesn't go on and she still doesn't get how serious you are, have her help fill out the D forms. If that doesn't get her to understand, then she ain't ever going to be on board and be the partner you deserve.

All my own two cents of course, but based on the situation you are describing...she does not yet comprehend or care enough to comprehend what she has done to you.

@Worndown - ROTFLMAO! a perfect scene! I love that movie.

You guys are great!

My music I think is the result of being raised by women, hanging around women, and being overly sensitive to their needs and moods.

That shit has to go.

When I look at it in the context of NMMNG and the current wreckage that is my life, it seems absolutely ridiculous.

I have to change not only for myself but to be a better role model for my boy. His mother smothers and pampers him (he IS 4), but I don't want him to become a nice guy and have the same issues that I had growing up.

Better that I walk the coals in my life than he in his.

And yes, I love that movie! Oh what I would give for 5 minutes with the OM. A locked room. No gloves. Full contact. 5 minutes. It would feel sooo good. Thats all it would take and he would never walk or be able to use his hands again. But I know, I have to be an adult.

And Jduff, you are probably right. My work is very interesting and women tend to find it sexy. I have never worked that angle because I am married. My interaction with women tends to be very formal and respectful.

My life has been work. home. work, home.

Lately it has been work (or no work). drinks. home late.

I think she is starting to see as you put it, divorce is in my eyes and the fear of it is leaving me.

I think that scares the shit out of her.

Good. Maybe she will change. And then again, maybe not.

Try Metallica "Dont tread on me".

Then some more Metallica after that. This will fix you up.

He died two weeks ago.

I am here now.

You know I was terrified by the idea of divorce. Just fucking terrified of it. How could I live alone? What about my poor kid? Would I ever meet another woman? Could a woman love a man who's divorced and has a kid?

I know its hard, but you are doing the only thing that can save your marriage. You are giving value to yourself by facing your fears. You cannot be mr. nice guy. Thats the fucker she treated like a punk. Just be fair, but dont spoil her anymore. She fucked those days up for herself.

Hot Damn, way to awaken, Brother!

It's so very awesome to hear you say how you are losing the fear. BTDT and it is incredible.

You know you will be ok now. Two years from now you will look back like me and wonder how the hell you ever lived the way you did.

You are getting the sense of your own worth now. Never settle again for less than that.

Again, this makes my day. Practice feeling this feeling!

Man. Those songs are lame. Lame I tell you. But at least it wasn't Gary Puckett. You know, young girl, woman woman, lady willpower, this girl is a woman now. Bet your WW loves those.

You want a song, try Mike Errico. Not so sad. Trust me on this.

"Break Stuff" Limp Bizkit

"Bodies" Drowning Pool

"I Stand Alone" Godsmack

"I Hate Everything About You" Three Days Grace

"Down With the Sickness" Disturbed

"Killing in the Name Of" Rage Against the Machine

If you want songs to let out your anger, you have to channel your inner headbanger.

You as the BS get to be the Judge & Jury in regards to R.

You can listen to all the reasons & excuses. You get to pour thru hours of transcripts. You get to watch the hours & hours of mind movies playing over & over

In the end you have to decide if your WW is a good candidate for R and if so how long a probation and what conditions she will have to meet. Or if she looks to be unremorseful and likely to reoffend then she's just sent away for good.

Trust is not given lightly and can take years to build, then can be gone in an instant.