SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It has been a good night and a good day today.

Yesterday I slept with my husband for first time since Dday (and I mean sleeping, not sex). We talked and he told me that he loved me, he has asked me to not say that I love him and I have learned that is very probable that I don't even know what love is, so I just looked to his eyes and I said "thank you".

I slept the full night for first time since Dday and we went together to the business, he is still helping me to get up to speed with what I need to do. He complimented me various times and it made me feel very good but it has brought me a question maybe some of you can help me with.

I realize that much of my problem has to do with my need for external validation, is it wrong to enjoy that validation if it comes from my husband or should I be able to completely validate myself internally. It is a good question for my IC but I don't have an appointment till next week Tuesday.

Thank you all for your input, it is very valuable for me.

I'm glad that things have been going ok. Enjoy this while it happens, because it's not going to be that way all the time - the rollercoaster.

It's so good that you have been able to sleep. Sleep is so very important to our healthy functioning, everything is harder when we have not had enough good sleep. I hope that BH is also sleeping well, but I don't expect it to be like that all the time.

About external validation - why is that important to you? Why does it take someone else saying something nice to you, giving you attention, for you to feel valuable or good about yourself?

Examine that. Think back to when you were growing up. See if you can get to the bottom of this, because it is an important component of the 'reasoning' that led to to have an affair.

Hang in there.

I don't think it is wrong to enjoy the validation that comes from your husband as long as you aren't doing things just to seek it or get it. Make sense? I bet you will get personal/internal validation from work. Your husband sounds like he knows what you need.

There are consequences for our actions. Sometimes they are not pretty.

homealone123...how are you doing?

[This message edited by Klaatu at 6:49 PM, December 19th (Monday)]

HAL123, BS 24+years post DD.

This whole thing is still new to you, and I will say you have a long way to go.

First, how do you feel now post DD vs. less than a month ago when everything was fine. To see your world and the world of your immediate family has been blown up.

From the beginning, do you think it was by chance that his brother happen to catch inappropriate behavior between you and OM. I believe everyone knew at the gym. I suspect your Brother-in-law was told, and checked it out for himself before notifying your H. Your H then had to find out the hard way.

I give him (your husband) credit he knocked you off the fence of the A real fast, which is why you are in the deep regret phase. Your anguish is just beginning; this will be a long hard road.

You are not alone in you initial "confusion", my WW did not fathom the depth of emotional murder she had created either. That happens much later. The waywards never understand the immense horror created.

They mention the rollercoaster, and that is just what it is. He has not hit the anger phase yet; which is why the truth will be very important.

Did you have unprotected sex? When you said you're husband ensured you were satisfied in other ways, did that include oral? You don't have to answer that here, but just in case be prepared.

The questions from your H will eventually come. If yes to unprotected sex with OM, and your H performed oral during the A, work on now your answers he will see the lies by omission or minimizing. Be prepared to tactfully give your answers.

To give you an idea on the stage he is in: Imagine someone you trust walks up and slaps you in the face. For the first second, you will be in shock. At that moment if they ask you if you are OK? You don't say anything. Therefore the slap was not so bad.

In 30seconds when you recover from the initial strike, you become angry and maybe try to attack them.

Timelessloss described the phases of PTSD, your husband is in the Shock Phase "Just been slapped", beware of reading into anything that everything is well, it's not. He will move into many phases, and anger brought on by triggers real or imagined will start.

Your two sons will also need counseling. There perception of female relationships has been altered. Did they respect their father? Then they watch how his best did not stop his wife their mother from seeking another. This will impact their choice in future mates for themselves. If dad did his best and his marriage failed, I will do the opposite of what he did. Both sons are watching how this marriage now plays out.

Go back and read your response in the mirror and watch how you respond. It showed a lot on how you attacked in the beginning. Your husband will see this also in your answers to him, be mindful.

I know you don't believe me, but you are not close to remorse, too early.

So why did you do it, I call it "Chasing the ghost" It's when you hit your prime and come to realize you missed out on your prime fun years. It's bullshit, life is what you make of it. It's your perceived "Ghost" image of life you didn't get. My best friend did it, and is probably still doing it. He got his girlfriend pregnant at 18y, could not stop partying and cheating. It oost him his marriage, and he never stopped.

You got lucky, you got caught and your H blindsided you. Only YOU can fix this no one else. It will take years for it to diminish for him; he will never, ever forget.

Be aware of paradox phases:

"It was just sex." This makes the BS feel worthless, because the A that destroyed his world was trivial sex. He rather of heard the OM was your "Sole Mate" than he was nothing at all.

"I Love You" or "I always loved you while the affair was going on" -- This phrase is seen as an automatic lie. How can you say that when you chose to be with another.

"The Affair did not mean anything" -- See "It was only Sex".

Same for the OM did not mean anything or I never loved the OM.

All of these phrases is just a dagger to the heart, and trivializes you marriage to him.

You need to really look at yourself, and be careful, you are on dangerous ground "thin ice", he will see through the false answers, and don't ever say something that you think is what he wants to hear, tell him the truth.

He will decide if you are both still together, not you. You now have to relinquish that idea. Only actions mean anything, your words have very little impact.

Don't know how to edit. "Sole" should have been "Soul", and "Paradox Phases" should be "Paradox Phrases". My apologies, it is hard enough to convey a message in which you have to translate without adding typos.

I will state I am not your H, but certain similarities among BSs are most likely the same. As stated right now he is in shock, his brain is trying to catch up with himself. At the same time his body is in physical overload; they go together. Very soon he will move into the Analytical stage.

He will question everything from the time it started to present day. Eventually he will question everything you have done from the time you have been together.

A few questions: You stated 22months. Which would place the start at Mar 2015?? The gym membership paid by your H?? Did the membership start in Jan.2015? The reason I state this is did your active PA start in March 2015?

If true, it is highly unlikely a PA "Just Sex" starts on day one. So therefore he had to pursue you. Starting with talking to you, sharing complements, finding a little about you, your marital status, do you have children, information on your husband. After all you are going to the gym alone. So the emotional bonding started earlier. You can try to debate this, but Married women unless you're done with the marriage, do not just go off with a stranger for approx. 2 years without some emotional connection. So you had to develop something for OM.

Was he younger? Based on the information you stated you have to be mid 30s. You stated, sex was 17x, with 11 being in the first two months. leaving 6 times from Mar to Apr/May? leaving on average time with OM 1 time every 3 months. Not trying to be crass, but this will come up to your H as a RED Flag. It will not sound believable.

When he enters the question phase, which will start soon. He will pounce on you like a detective. Especially during the Affair Anniversary times, which will start beginning next month.

IMO, if he paid for your gym membership, he may view this as he paid for you to have sex, while he was working and believing everything is right in his world...but now that has changed. The question phase for you will be brutal, and should not be taken lightly.

If it is truly 17 times in just under 2 years (which by the way in his mind, the 2yrs will be a boyfriend/girlfriend committed relationship, that had no planned ending in sight), you will need to justify all the reason why you did not have sex more than once every 3 months. Why did it all of a sudden stop from 2 times a week to once/3mo.???

Start you detailed (and I mean DETAILED) timeline from Jan.2015 to present DD. now. Because you are about to face an interrogation like no other.

He (your H) will review all the times you were with him (your H) and were you thinking of the OM.

Sex will change for him, he will wonder, compare what he is doing with the OM. Did you like it better, did you learn anything new?? Did you have sex with your H after OM.

Then the rollercoaster of emotion will let loose, no WS is prepared for the devastation and pain they will see from their beloved other.

I know you never thought of this, it was just sex, to your H, this will never be about just sex. This will change him forever. Think of the year 2019 to 2020. If you are lucky, and still together, he will not think of when the affair started in March of 2019, more like March 2021.

You see the day you started having or had decided to have sex (PIV) will be the day the marriage he knew, ended.

This is not an anniversary date in your marriage that he really wanted to remember, but all that changed.

You have a lot of why's to fix. The first thing you will have to start with is go to a mirror, state your name, and say you first have to stop lying to you in the mirror. Then you have to accept that you now have no control in what happens to your present marriage. Your husband is a good man, too bad you realize that now.

I hope for the best for you, good luck,

Your H will start analyizing

^^^^^^what he said^^^^^^^^^^^^^this is/was me^^^^^^

How are things?

Any update?

How is it going HomeAlone?

homealone123, please come back to us, it has been so long since you have posted, I have not posted at all before this but have followed your post all along and I thought things seemed to be going quite well with you, your husband and the children,you were finally accepting and comming to terms with what you did and with IC help were on the road to change you into a better you, I hope nothing has happened to change all this but even if something has please get back to us and let us know.

Regards BJE49

[This message edited by BJE49 at 5:10 AM, May 25th (Thursday)]