SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is going to be a long post sorry in advance and thanks to the ones that take the time to read and give me some advice.

Prior to this board I looked for help in another similar board where I was bashed and humiliated, I’ve got also some good advises but those unfortunately were a minority. People created accounts just to bash me…I hope this place will be the shelter that I need in this times of loneliness and despair.

English is not my main language therefore I would like to apologize in advance for any confusion this make create in the future. As a cultural background I will say that I am Spanish and I live in Spain.

My husband and I were each other first love, when I was 17 I got pregnant and short after we got married.

Our life was difficult, our families helped us taking care of our son but while our friends were having fun and living a careless life we were dealing with the new acquired responsibilities as parents. (we were not prepared for this)

To make things even worse 1.5 year after I got pregnant for the second time. I was not even 20 years old when my second son was born. My husband stopped studying and started a business with the help of our parents and I was left to take care of the two children on my own. My husband is a great father but I have always been the one who had to stay at home, do all the chores and taking care of the children while he was working 14-16 hours a day. He was working all those hours because we needed the money and we could not afford paying someone to take care of the shop but somehow I started to blame him for the situation. Year after year I built a big resentment inside me and I blamed him for the loss of our youth and freedom, a rational part in me knew that I was wrong but I ignored it.

Fast forward until two years ago, our marriage wasn’t bad; we accepted that we had to work hard to give our two great kids an opportunity in life and we worked well as a team. My husband is a loving person, he and my two sons treated me like the queen of the house and I felt loved and happy… but… I still had that feeling that I had missed out because I got pregnant so young, and I still blamed my husband for it (I know that is unfair but that was how I was feeling).

I was going to the gym 3 to 4 times a week and during that time I had become friends with the Capoeira instructor, before I knew it we were having sex. I knew what I was doing was wrong but I somehow justified myself because I didn’t have any feelings for the OM, it was only sex and it was a small compensation for all the experiences I had missed out in my youth. I wanted to stop the affair every week but the truth is that I didn’t stop till my husband found out 6 days ago.

I never expected my husband reaction, he put some of my clothes in two bags and called my parents to come to pick me up…when I arrived home my mother was crying and my father was completely red … my husband told me I was not welcome in my house anymore. I didn’t have to ask why he was so angry; I knew immediately that he had found out about my affair and that it would be best if I would go that night to sleep at my parent’s house. I told him that I would give him time and space to calm and that I would come back next day to talk with him and I left.

My parents were very disappointed on me, they love my husband and they respect him a lot for the way he has built his life into a prosper business man and a good father… They were in shock but never the less I am their daughter so they took me with them and gave me some space to think things through.

Next day in the morning I went back home when my kids were at school and my husband was at work, he always come to take lunch at home so I waited for him to come. When he arrived he looked like a man who has been destroyed and I think that it was the first time that I realize about what I have done and the terrible consequences for those who I love.

I tried to explain him how sorry I am, that I have never stopped to love him and that my affair was not about him but about me, that I have issues and that I would like to go to IC and MC. He sat and listen to all what I wanted to say for around an hour without saying anything… at that point he told me that he doesn’t want to go to MC or IC or do anything to try to work out of marriage. He said that if after all what we both had to sacrifice, if after all what he has done for me I still had it in me to betray him this way then he doesn’t want to do anything with me anymore. He asked me to move out of the house to my parent’s house. I begged him to give me a second chance and I explained him that our kids need both of their parents and then he got crazy and starter to scream, he told me if I was thinking about our kids priorities while I was having sex with the OM and other many things that I don’t need to repeat here. I told him that I would come back later when he would be more calmed to talk again and to see my children and I left.

I came back 4 hours later to find out that my husband had already told my sons about my affair the day before, they were very upset and didn’t show any affection towards me, they were both siding with their father. I told my husband that he shouldn’t have involved our children and he told me that I should have not get involved with the OM if I didn’t like the aftermaths of it… that my sons are old enough to know why we are going to divorce and is also important because they can at their age chose with whom they want to stay. I didn’t think about divorce until that moment and when he said that I felt dizzy and they had to help me because I started to see the huge consequences of what I have done…

My husband called my father again and he came to pick me up… I wanted to stay but neither my husband nor my children wanted me there.

And here I am at my parent’s home feeling alone and empty without my three men. I have risked all what I care for something that meant nothing to me. I have hurt my husband and companion and my 2 kids and I still don’t even understand why… I may lose everything … as if I was in a self-destroying mission.

I have since then stayed at my parent’s home to give my husband and sons some time to calm down (I agreed on this with my husband and only today I moved back home).

Since D day I have seen my husband only twice (he has gone today to his brother’s house before I arrived back) one time the day after DD and one time 2 days after DD at my brother’s in law, both times the conversations were civil and to the point but we have not yet talked at all about the affair, he has not asked me anything and while he has said to me that he wants to divorce me he has told my kids that he is not sure of what he is going to do, therefore I have a small hope.

I will use the fact that I already posted in another board and I already got a lot of questions there to give some extra details that may be important in order to get the right advice:

- My affair started 22 months ago and I have slept a total of 17 times with the OM. 11 of them in the first 2 months.

- Affair was only for sex, there has been no emotions involved. I know men have a difficulty accepting that women can have sex without getting attached. This was a main topic in the other board and I can assure you that the physical attraction was the only one I had for this man and we never had conversations, texts, I love yous…etc. I hope this won’t get again a topic here because I am not in the fog, I know I don’t love the OM and I always knew it (I think that even makes me a worse person…I don’t even have the excuse to be in the fog or dominated by my emotions)

- I didn’t confess, my husband found out because my brother in law saw the OM grabbing my ass (without my permission that time by the way) outside the gym. Ironically I didn’t sleep with the OM that day, I actually was quite angry at him that day. My brother in law told my husband and he followed me the next three times to the gym and the last time I went with the OM to his house to have sex… he saw me getting in the OM’s house….

- I started IC immediately after DD, I have written a timeline of my affair, I have written a NC email to the OM and I have canceled my subscription to the Gym.

- Tomorrow my husband will be moving back to the house and then we will talk (my older son has told me)

- My relationship with my children has been deeply hurt but thanks to my husband (he is very keen to have my children treating me with respect and love). There are improvements, more with my youngest than with the eldest but I see positive advances with both of them. They are very hurt and confused…I can’t stop crying while I write this… I hope this won’t let them to big of a scar for the future. What a mother I am…

What would you do next? How can I win my husband and kids back? What can you say to someone you have hurt so much? Will my children ever forgive me? Please give me some hope and advise.

If you have taken the time to read the whole post, thank you!

Hello and welcome to this site. Before replying I would like to suggest that you consider putting the "Stop" sign on this thread, considering that this is your first thread and that you've had a bad experience elsewhere when sharing your story.

Putting a "Stop" sign on threads in this subforum ensures that betrayed spouses (BS's) won't be able to post on the thread, which should provide an extra safe setting for you to get the first feedbacks and replies to your posts.

So if you wish, please alert a moderator for your request/wish for the "stop" sign to be added.

I wish you and your family all the best!

Thank you Hobbes, I didn't put the stop because I need the BS perspective too. I don't mind a bit of tough love as long as they have something to add to the thread that is not how horrible person I am and how much my husband an kids are hurting ( I know already that, they don't need to lose the time repeating it).

If I see that it goes out of hand I will use the stop. Can you change it at any time? Thank you!

I feel the pain in your post. Isn't it amazing - neither the WS nor the BS can't truly anticipate the pain of an affair. I have no advice though, except to keep working on you and be willing to do whatever your husband needs to heal.

Welcome to SI. Thank you for sharing your story in full. Doing that, particularly with your husband is a very important and necessary first step. Complete honesty from now on is what will help you get through this and will immensely help your husband.

I am a betrayed wife, but I will be gentle. Have you read the book "After the Affair"? It's an easy read. You can get it for free online, but you may even be able to get a copy in Spanish. Read it immediately. Follow it's advice. It contains important information.

Post here. The kind folks have all been through this situation and can offer good advice.

This will take time....so much time to heal. I have read that it can take twice as long as the affair was to even begin to repair the marriage.... And that time is the same whether or not you divorce.

Getting yourself into counselling is important so that you can figure out your whys for the affair, so that you can become a safe person for your family again. Your husband and sons need individual counselling too. This is one of the most traumatic events in life.most people can't do this alone. Marriage counselling needs to come later, after the initial damage is assessed by professionals. Marriage counselling that comes too early is often wasted time and effort.

You can ask the mods to put the stop sign on at anytime. When you do, it prevents betrayed Spouses from commenting here.

Do take care of yourself.

Hi homealone123. Welcome to SI. Here's some of my credentials. Betrayed child here (now an adult). My mother's A also played a part in destroying my FOO (family of origin). I ended up being on the front lines of my mother's A for several years as I was the one to discover it and tell my father on dday. I was also the one who discovered her repeat cheating. Too many ddays to count.

I've had the unfortunate privilege of researching and trying make sense of affairs since I was 16 years old (now I'm 43). I wanted to know why and was driven a bit. I learned more at SI in the first few months here than I had adding all of the previous years combined. I've talked with a few families here and have made friends with both BS and WS.

Not trying to speak for all BC (betrayed child), but I can tell you for certain that the BC are often mipacted and hurt in the same manner that the BS (betrayed spouse) is. Minus the sex stuff. But even at 16 I may not have known the word emasculation, but I certainly understood the concept and was a witness to that part of my father's hurt. All of the other feelings of betrayal your BC will experience as well. Trust issues, feeling of inadequacy because you chose to throw away the family, abandonment issues, etc. The list can go on and on.

The same things you would do to try and work with your BH (betrayed husband) you can also do with your kids. Trust is a big issue to start with and this takes a very long time to get back. Your kids will not trust you and don't really understand who you are right now. You need to show them through action. Take the initiative. There are apps that you can buy for phones like Life360 which essentially show where you are at all times. They can see your location any time they want. And/or take photos of where you are and who you are with. For starters. Like I said this may go on for a long time (years even) to get that trust back and this is just one small thing you can do.

Also, you can share what you learn about yourself in IC and what you are doing to change yourself for the better. I suffer from PTSD and was prone to fits of rage. I have discussed with my own kids letting them know every once in a while what I have learned and what tools I now have to cope and so that I don't explode. Over time they see that I am a much safer person than I used to be.

You need to be very careful with that "it was just sex" excuse. It never really is just sex is it? If you keep that attitude your kids will adopt the same and they will end up having an A of their own with the "it's just sex" excuse. Speaking from experience each generation gives the next permission to have an A. I can trace affairs from my mother to my grandmother and to her father. Each generation giving the next "permission" through example. My mother also used the "it was just sex" excuse which I could see right through. I never had an A of my own but the circumstances around my mother's A was very extreme and my brother's suicide was in there around the same time so I have the added baggage of associating death with affairs.

At least two things have to be in place for an affair to happen in the first place. You are/were selfish and you have poor boundaries. Why? Start working on those in IC. You can share those topics with both your BH and BC (on an age appropriate level for your BC as you work on yourself. Let them know what you are doing to strengthen your boundaries.

Have you looked into How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair or Not Just Friends books? Not Just Friends discusses some of those poor boundaries I was talking about.

This is a marathon that can take years. You need to show through actions that you are becoming a safer person. Right now as you don't know your "whys" other than it was just sex, you are a dangerous person and are prone to repeating your past actions.

I wish you well. You have a lot of work to do and have to fight for your family like you have never fought for them before. You can do this.

yop

Also, have you written a detailed timeline for your BH? You should do that and have it ready to give him regardless if you separate, divorce, or reconcile. He has every right to know if he wants.

Also, does your AP have a spouse or significant other?

To clarify what I meant about it never being about "it's just sex", while it's true that you may not have loved your AP, you also were selfish and had poor boundaries. There is a lot more going on in the situation than just sex and everyone sees that.

yop

I have the timeline but my husband so far doesn't want any kind of detail, I have heard from my eldest son that he will talk to me tomorrow and I have prepared the NC email to the OM, the email cancelling the Gym and the timeline of my affair to give it to him if he wants. My Counsellor hast told me to let my husband talk, that I should now be the listener and talk only when he asks and with truthful answers and only with the concrete answer to what he asks. I am preparing myself to help him as much as possible.

I am reading as well some books like How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald.

When I say that it was only sex, I do not mean it as an excuse but as a reality, I know that for many men (including my husband) it would have been much easier to reconcile if it would have been an Emotional Affair in stead than " just sex".

The why I have done this is the quiz in the question, I don't know, I am broken, my husband didn't deserve this, my children didn't deserve this... the answer is inside of me, I am broken at many levels and I never knew it.

In the other board a very compassionate poster explained me that he used to be an alcoholic and how he compartmentalised his drinking problem with his normal life, that really resonated in my heart. I think I also did my own compartmentalising. I am working with IC to get this answer because I know that when my husband will ask me " why?" my answer will be "I don't know" and I am sure he won't like that answer.

Curiousity killed the cat...

I know for a fact women can and do have NSA affairs because I am one of them. No emotional depth, just the danger, excitement and ego boosts.

Does it make me a worse cheat than one who 'falls in love' with their AP? I dont know. But what I do know is when DDay hits there is no fog - just the raw reality of how utterly selfish and destructive such betrayal brings down upon the heads of ourselves and those whom we are supposed to love and cherish.

In your case you have resented feeling like you missed out on a carefree youth. But dont forget your husband was right there too. He was also missing out on fun times but unlike you he remained loyal.

So your brewing resentment was always flawed. It revealled a weakness in your character and within that space you justified your cheating.

Your husband has dealt with you firmly and swiftly. His actions show that of a man who will stand up for his family and take no nonesense.

For a proud man who allows you to step back into the house is huge. But dont think for a second that your marriage is on the mend.

Although you have snapped out of it and now and appear to be remorseful for what you have done to your family the road to reconciliation will be long and hard and at anytime and for whatever reason your husband has the right to call it quits.

I wish you healing for you and your family

Maybe instead of saying 'I don't know', a better answer would be 'I am broken and am trying to figure that out.' (figure out 'why')

Right now, every minute that your BH doesn't file for D is a GIFT to you. That gift can be revoked at any moment.

Get to the bottom of your resentment. Figure out healthier ways to deal with your problems. Figure out how you gave yourself permission to let another guy stick his dick into you.

Also, start taking responsibility for your actions. In the title of your thread you say 'I cheated, now my life is destroyed.' Perhaps it's just due to English not being your mother tongue, but 'my life is destroyed' is not a responsibility-taking mindset. Here's what REALLY happened: 'I destroyed my life.' That's what happened, your life didn't somehow get destroyed, YOU destroyed it.

I don't think that BH should have brought your children into it either, but if not for YOUR actions there would be nothing to bring them into. It sounds like they are older (I didn't see their ages), and so they would have figured out that SOMETHING was wrong between you and BH anyway. So the fact that BH didn't handle this in an ideal way is not the biggest issue and I don't think that you should focus on that (at least not now).

When you and BH talk, you need to listen and not be defensive. Do not minimize the depth of his pain. Tell him that you are sorry. Not sorry for his pain, sorry that YOU HURT HIM. Take responsibility. No excuses. There is no magic right thing that you can say to make him feel any better right now, just accept that. But also accept that there are a lot of wrong things you can say.

People say that it takes 2-5 years - YEARS - to heal from an affair. Whether you and BH ultimately heal your M or not, you are going to be having a LOT of conversations where he is angry and blaming you. Be prepared.

Good luck.

I built a big resentment inside me and I blamed him for the loss of our youth and freedom

Fast forward until two years ago, ... I still had that feeling that I had missed out because I got pregnant so young, and I still blamed my husband for it

my affair was not about him

You blamed your husband, so you cheated. Then you say it was not about him.

How did resenting and blaming your husband have anything to do with your cheating? If resenting and blaming your husband had nothing to do with the cheating, then why mention multiple times?

sex ... was a small compensation for all the experiences I had missed out in my youth.

Why was sex with this man a "compensation"? How did you feel sexually about your husband? Sex with the other man was a "compensation," what about sex with your husband? If you could have sex with multiple men, just sex, and your husband said it was alright to do, or you were sure he would never know, would you think that was good?

I am confused about what you liked about the sex with the other man as opposed to your husband and why you wanted to do that. You blamed and resented your husband, was it a punish to your husband? How did blaming and resenting make it better by cheating? I just don't quite understand what you are meaning with those statements.

How can I win my husband and kids back?

Do you want to know how to make them want you? Like manipulate their current feelings so they have feelings you want them to have instead?

I think you let go of all that manipulation and just let it be for awhile. You cheated for two years, you expect it to start being fixed in a week. Slow down. Let them feel their feelings for a while without trying to manipulate them.

Try to explain to your husband why sex was better with other man than with your husband. If it was not better with other man than with your husband, and your only reason for the affair was for sex, and you did it for two years, then explain that to your husband. Write it out for him, but if you try to explain it was only sex with other man and then you tell your husband you liked sex better with your husband, it is going to be hard to believe that, in my opinion.

But me, personally, it just seems you are saying what you think he wants to hear, and the things you are saying, doesn't make sense. You are saying you are not in a fog and totally coherent. The initial problem is to explain it. If it was to punish him, maybe I could understand it. If you just like variety, then that might be a tough pill for him to swallow at this point.

As far as your kids, I think you have to tell them you love them and that this was not about them, you are an imperfect person, you have faults, and you are trying to repair the faults you've had that caused this hurt. I think to try to go very slowly and not get your hopes up for the short term.

This is not going to blow over quickly. It is going to take 2-5 years, if you don't screw up again. For now, try to be as calm as you can, and try to show that you are in this for the long term, that you will wait for him. Consistent trusting and loving actions over a long period of time is, in my opinion, what repairs the marriage.

[This message edited by wk55hn at 4:23 PM, December 10th (Saturday)]

I know that for many men (including my husband) it would have been much easier to reconcile if it would have been an Emotional Affair in stead than " just sex".

^^^count me in that category. I am five years out and it is only the sex part of my wife's affair that bothers me. It is an effect at a very deep level. While I am content to stay in my marriage, there is nothing special about my wife's body or sex. It is just sex now. For me once the fidelity is gone, it is gone. I am left with wanting to experience other women.

If I were to do it over again, I would have separated, maybe dated around, and then made a decision of getting back together with my wife.

I have to say how sorry I am for the loss you have suffered, even if you created it. You are obviously remorseful, and you seem to be a good person. I hope you and your husband find healing.

There is a lot more going on in the situation than just sex and everyone sees that.

yop

In my opinion, cheating is about a "feeling" that the cheater gets before, during, and/or after contact. More than just physical. Unless you had sex while you were unconscious, there was a feeling attached to it. How did it make YOU FEEL about the interactions with the other man?

Thank you easterlily. It is good to know that you went through a similar situation and survived it. Could you let me know how you convince your husband that you still loved him?

DeadMumWalking, thank you for the suggestion on how to answer the "why" question. I think is a very wise way to approach it. It was not a mistake with the language, you are right, I should begin owning everything that happens to me because it is me the only person who is to blame.

wk55hn, I guess here it is when English not being my main language can play a role. What I meant when I said that it was not about my husband is that it was not his fault. He is not to blame for what I did, It was me the one who took the decision to allow another man to have sex with me.

This was never about punishing my husband, but about an unjustified filling of missing out my youth and the curiosity of how sex would feel with another person.

If I would say that OM was not better than my husband with sex I would lie but that is also mainly me to blame as well as I am the only teacher my husband has ever had and he was till I started the affair the only one I had, OM (fortunately because I know is a very sensible topic) is not bigger nor longer than my husband but much more experienced (naughty if you want) and has more stamina. I am answering this because I know that my husband will ask this kind of questions and any advise regarding this will be also helping.

I am not only saying what my husband wants to hear, I wish I could say what he wants to hear (that I didn't have sex with OM or that the sex with him was horrible) but I know better than keeping lying at this stage. I know if I have one chance to save my marriage it will be honesty and I will be honest with him.

curiosity of how sex would feel with another person.

22 months? 17 times? And you were still curious? Certainly not with other man? Why not some other men if curious about other men?

How did you FEEL when you interacted with other man? Was it just "physical pleasure?" What mental aspect did you feel? Desired? Feminine? Young? Alive? What?

Your husband seems a macho man. Strong but silent. I am going to tell you, maybe you won't believe it, but I don't think you can really separate the MENTAL vs. the PHYSICAL. My opinion, sex is at least 50% mental. I have had many partners, the same one can be good or bad based on mental outlook, enthusiasm, how you FEEL about them and MOST IMPORTANT how you FEEL about YOURSELF.

I'm not sure sharing other man's sexual prowess a good idea at this point. Partly because it is just cruel, and will not help him in any way. But mainly because I don't believe you have yet separated out how much of that was the mental feelings vs. the physical feelings.

[This message edited by wk55hn at 5:01 PM, December 10th (Saturday)]

I am sorry wk55hn, but I am certain that you are projecting your feelings. The OM was just safe (because I knew he would satisfy me) and available. He is physically very attractive but he has the deepness of a puddle. Sex was all about the physical reactions, for example I always thought that I could not O from penetration till OM made me O that way, it all has to be with stamina and the excitement of the forbidden fruit. Now I am sure my husband could do it too... but will he want to hear that?

I have made the firm compromise to not lie to my husband and I hope he won't go to the comparisons till he allow me to explain him more things, but I won't lie to him if he asks.

If you have not had a lot of partners, maybe you don't know this. But when you are in a long-term marriage, the feeling of sex changes, hopefully you have experienced that. A "new" relationship is an "infatuation," a tenseness, the so-called "butterflies in the stomach," the anticipation to see each other. Comparing that "new" relationship feeling to the "old-term" marriage is like comparing apples to oranges.

Also, you mentioned "naughty." Well, when you love someone, have respect, I don't quite know why myself, but you don't "go there" for some reason. Even in a "new" relationship, when you are young and single, frequently you don't "go there" with that exploration. Maybe because the relationship means too much to you than to try to experiment or take it to an extreme. But with an affair, where you don't plan to be there forever, where you don't care if the affair fails because your marriage is there waiting, you can feel much more FREE and ALIVE and THRILLED and EXCITED. That is only in an affair-type situation, one where you really don't care that much if if fails. Married committed sex has a different component of truly caring and wanting to please the other, while the casual affair sex you can be more involved in caring and wanting to please only yourself. That is my opinion.

Unlike wk55, I did not, and still do not, give a crap about my wife's feelings during the affair.

I have always felt that feelings come and go. And they are just that - feelings - not necessarily grounded in reality.

If your husband is more concerned about the sex, that would make him normal.

There is no good way to address the sex issue, so I think your plan to tell the truth as simply as you can - and not deceive - is a good one. I just would refrain from answering unasked questions.

Question: are you the only lover your husband has had?

Everything is about feelings. Love for spouse, love for parent, love for kids - love is a feeling. Love in a marriage is a feeling, anticipation in an affair is a feeling.

You eat a steak, you have a feeling about it. Not just physical. You feel satisfied it tasted good. You feel guilty you ate too much. You feel disappointed it was cooked too well, or too rare. You feel anticipation you are about to feel pleasure of eating it. You feel conflicted you have to have sex with a guy as deep as a puddle instead of your husband because your husband doesn't ring your bell. How do you feel about that? There is a feeling, even lack of feeling is a feeling called "indifference."

You are about to go see other man, you feel a certain way about it. You have just finished seeing other man, you feel a certain way about that. Other man is as deep as a puddle, you are having sex with her, you wanted curious, but 17 times later, still are curious, that is why you were doing it, so curious is a feeling, blaming is a feeling, resenting is a feeling. When you are done with other man, you are not guilty, you don't even think about husband, you say you have no feeling for other man, I will say your feeling is "indifference" and that is a very specific feeling, different than the feeling of love and the feeling of hate.

So I really just don't get how you say you had no feelings.

Much of what has been posted in my opinion is not well thought out. The main thing is you have feelings about yourself - you think you are smart, stupid, tall, short, funny, sad. After you are done with other man, you have a feeling about how you feel about yourself. Before you see him, you have a feeling about yourself.

You have sex with other man, you know to hide it, you did not tell your husband about it, you had a feeling about that.

You are maybe guilty, maybe indifferent, maybe satisfied, but our physical feelings do not happen without our mental feelings, they happen together, and we feel something every minute of every day we are awake. Interested, bored, anxious, contented, joyful, sad.

Feelings come and go, I think that is the point.

Homealone

The long and winding path to reconciliation is littered with mines which will be triggered whether you travel in a straight line or step to the right or to the left.

For example - telling the truth.

On the one hand when your husband asks a question he deserves the truth and nothing but the truth.

When you witness his reaction whether it be tears, rage or contempt, you will instinctively go into damage control and dilute the truth, evade the truth or even deny the truth.

To justify the mistruths you will then tell yourself you are only trying to prevent hurting his feelings.

NO. DONT DO THIS.

When you do this (and many cheaters do so) you are looking out for your own self preservation and your own interests.

You are falling back on selfish behaviour to put yourself in a stronger position.

The truth can be ugly and hurtful. But the reality is UNTIL your husband gets the truth, it will burn a hole in his guts and poison his mind. (because he will instinctively know - they always know when there is more to be admitted.)

Truthfulness is also a harsh mirror to hold up to a cheaters face. You will uncover so much filth about yourself it will humble you. This is where remorse will spring from. It will tear down the false pride and strip away the lies which we have used to justify our behaviour.

I answered my husbands questions. All of them. How many times, size, positions, where, and did I O.

When asked why, I told him I was bored. I liked the excitement, I lapped up the ego kibbles.

Like your AP mine was all showy on the outside but lacking in depth of character - very much like myself.