SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

HomeAlone123

I'm a Betrayed Spouse. My husband chose to become enamored of other men's wives.....TWICE!

I read something here on this website that might help. Think of your like as a puzzle. You and your husband share the same puzzle. It's a thousand piece puzzle. The affair portion takes up 400 pieces of the puzzle. Without those puzzle pieces, the puzzle will never be whole. It is your duty to write out an extremely detailed timeline about your cheating. This is for both you and your husband. He needs to decide if you are still the person he wants to be married to. If he decides to try, remember that this is an enormous gift. He will always be fragile about the betrayal. You two were a team and you did not support your teammate. So he has to decide if his team can train to improve or does he need new teammates.

The cheating happens because of something missing in the cheater. Until you find out what that is, you will be susceptible to more cheating and misery. Please find a therapist to get help.

Please try to take any advice here as valuable. There really are a large group of experienced in the trauma of infidelity experts here, offering help. This is priceless!

I did read through the rest and you don't need to apologize to me. I get it all the time. I know I am not nurturing in replies. That is what all the other posters that are can do. Don't hate yourself. You can hate who you were. Who you were doesn't define who you can become. You can become better. I swear I was the most selfish asshole here. I claimed I could become better but deep down I would always be a selfish man no matter what. That people can't change their core being. I was told I was wrong and rebelled against it. Boy was I wrong. I think you are doing well, but like I said. I don't hand out ego kibbles. Makes me uncomfortable. Before I got it, that is all I constantly craved. Now it is like a Clockwork Orange, the very thing I used to crave I can't stand getting of giving unless it involves my wife. Something I am still working on. You are well advanced for a newbie and I am sure it comes as a huge relief that you aren't pining for your OM for your husband. Rant and rave as much as you like to me. I am a stranger, I rather you do it to me as opposed to your husband.

[This message edited by Zugzwang at 3:48 PM, December 14th (Wednesday)]

I am confused because I love my husband, or I think that I loved him, but maybe that love is the end weapon I used to backstab him.

This is hugely important. Did at some point in the relationship your husband become more like a parent figure to you?

I am thinking about giving up and leaving. I don't know if my family deserves to have someone like me poisoning every second of their life reminding them what it could have been.

DO NOT do this. This is your chance to stick it out and rebuild your character and integrity. By showing your husband, children, and yourself that you correct your wrong choices. Imagine how proud your children, husband, and yourself will be when you put the work in. Believe me there is nothing more profound then the respect your BS has in her eyes when she tells you how proud she is that you continued to plow through no matter how outside your comfort zone you go to fix your bad choices. That type of respect on true work will bring you to your knees. You want that. You want that for your family. Stay put.

Hey, HA123. You had a really good day today. A really good day. Oh, it hurts like hell when you come to see that you are a person you don't like and can't trust and wish so much you hadn't become. It hurts so bad to know how we betrayed ourselves. But you are seeing it. Many never do. And seeing it is the first step to becoming different.

You have a lot of very experienced people giving you ideas here. Some like our friend NP5 have been betrayed very terribly. Others like Zug have been betrayers. Others like me have been both and neither--people who have had otber addictions, other psychological problems, given and taken other hurts in relationships, but are here because there are a lot of wise people to learn from. Whatever side we come from we are posting for you because we all see in you the capacity to grow.

It was a good day for growing for you no matter how much it hurt. A days work well done.

... of course you could love your husband and willingly make choices to hurt him. People hurt others that they love. Happens all the time. Has been that way for all time.

It's the human condition.

[This message edited by redhorse at 5:42 PM, December 14th (Wednesday)]

Hi HomeAlone123, I am neither a BS nor a WS just a lady who grew up in a household where infidelity had the unfortunate opportunity to tear my family apart.

I do hope you have had yourself tested for STDs, whether you used protection with your OM or not, you should get yourself tested and your husband should too.

You've been given some fantastic advice from the folks on here, don't get defensive, they mean well.

I really do hope you are remorseful for the damage you have caused your husband and children and are not just remorseful because you got caught because that's what really happened...you got caught. You never confessed your affair to your husband out of guilt. It was your husband's family (or friend) who saw you acting inappropriately with the OM, he then told your husband who then followed you to the OM's house. Your husband has tremendous strength and restrain; very few men would be able to watch their wife walk into the apartment/house of another man knowing fully well what that man is about to do to her yet do nothing but turn around and go home. You have a good man in your husband.

I'm not sure if i read it any of your posts but you should also consider IC (aside from your MC). IC can help you understand why you did what you did and why you continued to do it for almost 2 years. Because as i said before you never confessed your affair...you got caught. Had you not gotten caught, you probably would still be deep in your affair. So if you're not already in IC you definitely should consider it. Otherwise a few years from now (if your BS gives you the gift of R) you will cheat on him again but only next time you will become more careful at hiding it.

I sincerely hope that you and your husband are able to heal from the devastating effects an affair causes on a marriage and i hope you get the opportunity to be the best version of yourself to your husband and to your children.

Good luck

BS here. I won't go into character traits or how wrong you were for what you did, other's have already did that.

What I wanted to get across to you is the BS's viewpoint and how your BH and children must be feeling right now. If you want to R with your family it will be very hard to do. Marriage is built on trust and when you no longer have that, what do you really have? Right now your BH and kids can't believe a word that you say. They don't know how to act around you because to them you are no longer who they thought you were. Their whole reality has been changed. They look at the last 2yrs as nothing but lies. They don't think that you still love them because if you love someone how can you have sex with someone else. They now think your love comes with conditions.

Your husbands self-esteem has taken a huge blow. As Zug pointed out your WH is in survival mode and once he starts to heal, he will quickly figure out it had nothing to do with him as a lover. All BS's go through this stage in the beginning. I now know that I did not cause my X's to have A's. It had nothing to do with me or the state of our marriage. He was just too broken once it all started to come down on him to even really try. It took me a while to figure this out, but when I finally accepted that, I could see everything with clearer eyes and knew that I couldn't fix the marriage and he had no desire to, it was too hard and he was a coward.

I am sure the WS goes through pain and guilt for what they did, but that nowhere compares to how much pain it causes to the BS and children. It is not a pain the BS can just turn off and on at will. It is 24/7 for a long time. The indecision is so hard as you go back and forth on whether the WS has it in them to do the work to fix themselves and heal the marriage. That is the roller coaster and right now he is at the worst part of the ride.

Your BS seems to be a very responsible and honest man. He is way ahead of what took some BS's months or years to figure out. He is heartbroken, but in time he will heal. I hope you are able to be there to see the end result. Just as WS's must change, the BS must also change into the person they are now and in the future. Be ready for much more anger/pain as he processes this.

I wish you the best of luck and I wished I could say it will be OK, but I can't. It forever changes all involved.

As a BH, I just wanted to chime in here and say that I admire your ability to at least be somewhat honest with yourself. You don't fully get it right now, but that is OK. Keep travelling down this road and you will get there in due time. Look deep in yourself and ask the hard and uncomfortable questions.

I wanted to mention something about redemption. When I was younger I made a mistake that resulted in me being arrested. For a while I considered it just that, a mistake. I wanted to blame other people, the police, anyone but me for my predicament.

It wasn't until I realized that I hadn't made a mistake, that it was a pattern of bad behavior and justifications, that I was able to start redeeming myself.

It's been thirteen years and I reached full redemption many years ago. It helps define who I am now, that I was able to ask the hard questions about myself and take action every day to be a different person. It feels really good and in some ways, I wear that experience with pride.

The people I admire most in this world are the people who can look at themselves honestly and learn from their mistakes. You can be one of these people. Good luck.

I am so sorry you are all in so much pain.

I do not know if the marriage can be saved as infidelity is a deal breaker for many people. However, being truly sorry is not something you can fake...and your husband will come to that realisation over time.

I wish you all good fortune. I could never reconcile myself to staying in the marriage even though my ex was also sorry. But we are nice to each other now that we are divorced and we do work together for the happiness of our children.

I hope that at least...you can achieve this.

Yes, I will stay and fight, I just had a deep yesterday.

We had another session of MC today and it was very difficult, my husband doesn't accept that he didn't do anything wrong that made me cheat. He can't believe that I did what I did because I am broken, I think that he needs to be part of what I have done because he needs to keep some kind of control, if there was something he did wrong he just need to change that and everything will be fine again (NOT). He is afraid to face that having no issues, even when he did his best, his best was not enough to prevent me for cheating.

The counselor and myself tried to explain him that most of the cases the victim is just that, "the victim"and has not part taking in the aggression.

My husband threatened to divorce me if I didn't tell him what he was doing wrong, he told me I was not helping him to heal by withholding that information and the only thing I could do was crying, I could not stop crying....

I told my husband that the truth is that I am a bad person, a terrible person who loved myself above his well being and he doesn't want to believe me. He says he knows me well and that you can't fake love for that many years... I didn't know what to answer to that. I kept silence.

Zug, I never saw my husband as a father figure, but maybe I did... I don't know, he has always been the responsible one, the calm and comfortable person who never panicked I have always been the emotional one. To be honest I am not certain of anything anymore, am I getting crazy?

I think that he needs to be part of what I have done because he needs to keep some kind of control

Ding ding ding we have a winner!!!

Yes, this is very likely what he is feeling. I was exactly the same way. If it was something I did/didn't do, then all I had to do was fix that and voila! everything would be ok.

Sadly, it doesn't work that way. You will just have to keep responding that it is not something wrong with him that caused you to decide to cheat. Maybe tell him that if it really were that simple then of course you would tell him, because you don't want him to be in this pain either.

You also mentioned above that BH said he understands because he also had temptation. But no, he DOESN'T understand. He had temptation, he probably had all kinds of women hitting on him or communicating somehow that they were available if he were up to it. But he didn't decide to cheat. So no, he doesn't understand.

Do you really think that BS's didn't cheat for lack of tempting prospects or lack of opportunity? No, it has nothing to do with this. I somehow managed to go on business trips and remain faithful and trustworthy. I somehow manage to work in a virtually all-male environment and somehow I don't sneak off with one of the guys and bj or fuck him. I somehow manage to deal with guys hitting on me. Not because they're not attractive, but because I value myself and my character. My integrity is extremely important to me. I didn't cheat for lack of opportunity, I didn't cheat because I don't want to be a liar and a cheater and a deceitful person.

You saw a bit of how bad this can get - healing from infidelity - and in the moment you felt ready to bail out. I get that. You want it to somehow all go away. Toughen up, it won't. Your BH is going to be in a living hell whether you take off tomorrow or not. He has been TRAUMATIZED by your actions. That is why he is so inconsistent, it's a result of this trauma. His whole world has been shaken up, everything he thought was true about his wife, his M, these last 2 years with you, is a lie. That's how it feels to him - that EVERYTHING is a lie. Not just some moments. ALL moments. He is trying to regain his bearings. This takes time. Not weeks, not months, YEARS. Buckle up, you're in for the rollercoaster from hell. And that's if everything goes well. If not, you journey will be even worse.

I am glad that you are still open to advice from everyone here, particularly Zug. He has been where you are now. I can remember him from those early days, he could blameshift and minimize and be defensive with the best of them. But somewhere along the line, he started listening to advice from old-timers, he started examining himself, he did the hard work, he is a FORMER WS. Not a WS who isn't cheating at the moment, but a changed person. He is not arrogant. Your perception of him is interesting, that tells us out here something about what your mindset is in that moment.

Please keep coming here to share or ask questions. You are doing very well to question yourself, and to solicit outside opinions. Keep doing that.

And again - brace yourself. These next few years are going to be difficult. I didn't know which way was up for the first YEAR. I could cry at nothing and anything and everything. My sleep was terrible. My appetite was terrible. One minute I wanted to be with WH and the next I would scream at him and kick him out of the house. I was barely functional. It might be that your BH is going through the motions just to make it from one day to the next, one moment to the next. You will be the object of his anger one moment and the love of his life in another moment.

Be there for him. Reassure him.

And keep working on YOU.

I think you are so much farther on than my WW at this far out. You might notice that the 4th DDay was almost 5 months after the 1st. After that was more TT, defensiveness, anger. For months and months.

I just want to commend you for that. Please, please, please keep going. Do the hard work. There is not guarantee that things will work out the way you hope. But do it for you. Do it for your children. Do it for your husband.

am I getting crazy?

No. You are just waking up. You just feel out of control. What is your definition of love? Think about it and answer him with that. Be brutally honest. The more honest you are, the more trusting you become because you show him you can trust yourself with the hard truths. Is it possible you have object love. For me I always thought I loved my wife. Well nothing about having an affair is loving. But object love is wanting something and the main focus is what they can do for you. AT the time for most of my life I never knew that I was that selfish. I never thought about the object aspect of it. When my wife stopped doing for me all the time. When I was no longer the center of her universe and our infant son and two-year old daughter were-things changed.

Parental role is different but similar. I think if our spouses do a lot for us. Natural nurtures, then we take them for granted. At some point the romance stops because we don't see it. I certainly didn't do it. I was a taker. Not a giver very often. Became much less as the parental role progressed. Though I sure as Hell see now how she was always romantic. Then we begin to rebel against them as we slip further into immaturity in the relationship and they become more mature. Like a teenager we become and act. Like most teenagers you seek peer approval and interactions. Begin to treat your parent (BS) like crap because you can and you know their love is unconditional and you take them for granted. Everything becomes teen centered. I texted like a teenager. Acted. Partied. Never had any intention on losing my wife or leaving, but I guess in some ways I wanted and resented my family -the responsibility. When I first read your post I saw that in bold letters. The exhaustion from responsibility.

You are doing well. Your next step. Bucket list. You need to start building self worth and value in a healthy way. You have to rebuild your pride. Hobby you never did. Something that helps you find your self again. Stop going to the gym and try an outdoor activity. Biking, hiking, cross country. Get your husband to join.

I can't see that I am further than anything at this moment steadychevy. I didn't love my AP and I know and Knew the whole time that I cheated because I was weak, not because my husband had done anything. But I still cheated! Even knowing that it was wrong, even without being in the fog of being in love with the OP. I cheated... What does that say about me?

Maybe for now for my husband it feels better that I am not running into my OP's arms and claiming that I love him, but when time passes and he realizes that I did this in the cold, without being blinded by the fog of loving the OP, would he think that I am any further?

[This message edited by homealone123 at 9:40 AM, December 15th (Thursday)]

"What does that say about me?"

It says you have broken boundaries (common Wayward problem). Are you in IC?

I know you and your husband are in MC (IMO this should get fixed after your fix yourself). If you are already in IC please forgive me as I don't remember reading that in your thread).

HA123,

Have your MC and IC explained the stages of grief/grieving? This may help you to understand what you are seeing.

The stages of grief are not linear. A person does not process each step completely before moving on to the next. Not a neat orderly process. Because it is not linear, it can't be used as a predictor of your husband's behavior or feelings. It is best used to help a person's rational mind try to understand the crazy thoughts and reactions they are experiencing.

I say this gently: your traumatized husband has experience the death of the marriage he thought he had, the death of the image of the wife he thought he had (he said you were dead to him according to one of your posts).

This is why a counselor should be discussing the grieving process to understand what your betrayed husband will be experiencing.

Your recent posts show that you are developing an understanding of the devastation you have caused. Your early posts from the previous forum and this one had repeated instances where you could not understand your husband's reaction to your betrayal:

when he called you a w****;

"I never expected my husband's reaction, he put some of my clothes in two bags and called my parents...";

"...I wasn't prepared for the coldness of my husband.",

"..he started to cry like if he was in terrible agony (it got me very scared because I didn't expect it);

"I have never seen him like this, even when he lost his parents in a car accident..."

"When he arrived he looked like a man who has been destroyed and I think that it was the first time that I realize about what I have done and the terrible consequences for those who I love"

HA123, I don't point these out to throw them back into your face. It is to reinforce why I believe an understanding of the grieving process is so important. It is equally important to understand that no one can "manage" his grieving process, explain away his feelings, or control the outcome.

husband doesn't accept that he didn't do anything wrong that made me cheat

My husband threatened to divorce me if I didn't tell him what he was doing wrong, he told me I was not helping him to heal by withholding that information

He has cognitive dissonance. He cannot grasp who you are and thus must find a reason for this situation. He can make the affiar his fault and then fix what he did wrong. Then he can rationalize staying. You won't cheat anymore because he fixed the problem.

I guess the silver lining for you is that he appears to be trying to find a way to stay in the marriage.

Maybe for now for my husband it feels better that I am not running into my OP's arms and claiming that I love him, but when time passes and he realizes that I did this in the cold, without being blinded by the fog of loving the OP, would he think that I am any further

I think it would probably make it easier to R when he doesn't have to worry about you pining for this man or worried about you sneaking behind his back. If he believes what you say of course. For now, it just makes the process easier because he doesn't have to convince you of anything. You got that quickly. How toxic the AP was. That is something to be proud of. Some pine away for months. Thinking that they had real love or a real relationship with the AP.

What does that say about me?

It says you need to change and that you are aware of it. Just focus on that. Don't dwell on who you were and let it drown you. Figure it out. Accept it. Figure out how you got that way. Change it.

HA123.....BS here

First off, as others have done i want to praise your developing understanding of yourself and your situation.....you are doing better than my W at the same point. I personally think SI is the very best free advice for infidelity anywhere and IMO has done more to enable my R than anything.....certainly in the beginning.

Why?

Well there is a lot of experience both WS and BS that finds itself expressed in the digital ink on these pages.....and that is invaluable to those newbies seeking a path out of the storm. The truth is the storm is likely much larger than you both anticipate and everyone here is trying to set you sailing the right course.

There are many great and helpful people on this site who offer their advice through the lens of their own experience as you receive it through the lens of yours. The trouble with having a mirror held up to you in the beginning is not that the reflection is broken.....but more that the reflection is dark and undefined......and it is painful and terrifying. It is much easier to turn your head away or the mirror around. But if you have the courage to stare deep into it, the reflection starts to crystalise and become defined. You might not like what you see......but the point is you finally SEE YOU!.....the real you.

When i was scrambling around as a fresh BS i needed a route out of the storm but more importantly the courage to sail it. I found it here....on SI. Without naming names..... all the stories on here involve real people living real lives and i have seen pain, anguish, fear, love, courage .....in fact i see wisdom and inspiration. It has strengthened and eboldened me.

I had help and advice to make me see clearly in the beginning and when i read Zugs posts i admire him. Not because of what he has done but what he has become. It gives me hope that my FWW can reach that level of awareness of themselves.

Read advice.....try it on for size......change perspective and see how the world looks. Challenge your thinking.....its what got you into this mess in the first place. Drop the defensiveness.....its been very hard for my FWW. Defensiveness will always drive you to turn your head away from the mirror.

The most difficult thing for my W early on was to challenge her own thinking.....for WS its often flawed in some way to begin with. Plus its very hard to do for anyone by themselves. Zugs and others plus IC can help with this. This forces you to 'change perspective' and it can be extremely humbling how the world can look so different when you do this. My FWW has only in the last few months started to 'See herself'....and it disgusts her. But we both are sailing together out of this storm and are starting to see the sun break through.....keep at it HA123......keep going until one of you falls overboard or you reach your safe port.

[This message edited by Marcus513 at 4:01 AM, December 16th (Friday)]