SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Butforthegrace

You have been on this forum for much longer than I have, so you know the members.

Sweet cream pie : whilst that is his member name it’s also a synonym for some specific porn stuff.

All of his posts end up being about sex .

It just strikes me as odd that the username and the pre-occupation with the physical aspects of an affair should be coincidental.

I’m am wondering if “sweet cream pie” gets secondary gains for posting here ?

SCP,

You wrote this:

I have read virtually every post on this site and not one WW has said the sex with AP was incredible or better than with their husband.

The only people on this site who say the WWs had amazing sex or better sex with their APs are angry BHs.

Are there any WWs on this site who had better sex with AP than husband ?

Are there any WW who had amazing sex with their APs ?

Have you read anywhere the wayward men said that the sex was better than their wives?

Not saying that they didn't enjoy the sex, but where they said it was better?

I normally don't see that here either.

Duplicate post

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 7:05 PM, October 3rd (Wednesday)]

Atg: SCP clarified that there was no intended sexual innuendo in his user name. It really does come from the fact that he enjoys pie (the food item).

I can think of at least one thread on the Wayward forum where a WW said that her one-time sex with her AP was better than sex with her BH, and in addition the AP was significantly better endowed. Interestingly, that couple has reconciled.

There have been numerous threads where a WW told her AP, in messages or emails discovered by the BH, that sex with the AP was better than with the BH. In some of them, the WW ridiculed her BH's sexuality. Pink piggy said that her BH read such a message.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 9:14 AM, October 3rd (Wednesday)]

If I remember correctly, OP said he had no idea his name was a porn reference, but he chose the name because of his love of real cream pies. Like, Boston cream pies.

Atg100, look up MinnisotaManInWi and MilwaukeeMike42.

I think that your gut is absolutely right.

SCP,

Carlo Ponti was short, bald, and fat, yet he kept Sophia Loren as a partner for decades. Long ago, I read a rumor that he was hung like a horse.

So, if you worry about that sort of thing, the external shape of your W's ap can't bring much solace. Sorry.

Your best way out of the pain of being betrayed is to focus on your own healing and your own grief, fear, shame, and anger. You really can process the feelings out, and you really can heal.

Only the most brutally honest WWs ever say the sex was great. The rest of them, well, what would you say if you wanted to R?

I've got to disagree with you there, GR.

R requires honesty by both WS and BS. I think most of us are better lie detectors than we realize. And I think it's easy for one person to recognize a lying partner through sex, as long as the person isn't lying to himself.

Besides, in a really good R, a smart WS who had better sex with the ap usually can & should figure out a way to make sex with BS better than with the ap.

The "I was seeking solace and companionship and it was immaterial that he put his private inside my private, notwithstanding the fact that I returned to him repeatedly knowing that he would continue doing so" doesn't hold water in most cases.

When you hear it again and again from people who otherwise look like they are doing the work of R, what keeps you from believing it or at least shifting to an attitude of 'too little good data to form an opinion'?

True, a person who is false in one thing is likely to be false in everything. But it's also true that a person who is true in many things is likely to be true in the next thing that comes up.

A WS who is committed to R is a former WS. A remorseful WS actually is no longer a liar.

There is literally a world of great beautiful women out there who never cheat under any circumstances.

True, but how do you ID the faithful ones? According to the General Social Survey, something like 17% of women interviewed admitted being unfaithful. The number is probably higher, because I imagine it's hard to admit that in an interview. But even at 17%, the odds of finding another betrayer are pretty high.

I suspect the odds of a truly remorseful WS cheating again are pretty low and the odds of being a great partner are pretty high, but I have no data to support that.

[This message edited by sisoon at 10:05 AM, October 3rd (Wednesday)]

You only get a snap shot of things on this board. There is no way a WW can explain all the feelings, emotions, issues, and problems in their lives, the outcome, the work, etc on this forum. People are trying to dissect years of a couples intimate lives in just a few paragraphs and its not that simple.

I 100% at the time thought the sex with my AP was better. I said we had chemistry, there was intense kissing, which is something myself and my BH didn't do, there was the excitement of it, something that obviously after 20 years together that has passed for my husband and I. I thought my AP was my soulmate. It was exciting, I liked feeling desired, I like seeing the desire in his eyes like he was going to devour me. It made me feel sexy and attractive. Not like an frumpy housewife whose husband resented her for staying at home with the kids, not cooking dinner and having a clean house. My AP saw no flaws, no issues, he saw a fantasy.

I lost the connection with my husband long before I had an affair. We slept in separate rooms for 6 years prior to my affair and our sex life was strained. I wasn't comfortable, and it was a bane of our relationship. I felt like I couldn't relax, I couldn't say what I wanted, I felt like he didn't really want me, that he wasn't attracted to me at all. We had sex twice a month maybe and I rarely had any pleasure. We fought about sex a lot. He was unhappy for many years due to this.

My husband read messages where I said our sex life was robotic. And it was in a way, we did the same thing and there was no real passion, I felt like I was going through the act and it made me sad. I just felt like there was no hope.

During my affair, at first yes, it was exciting. While the sex itself wasn't anything special, everything that came with it made me feel powerful and desired. But soon the guilt started to get to me, after a while I couldn't have an orgasm with my AP, I felt guilty, I felt really low, I started to feel like I was being used, and I wanted to stop, I ended the affair so many times in 4 months, but it never stuck. I started to feel really bad for what I was doing, and an odd thing happened, I started feeling all these feelings towards my husband. I guess all my guilt caught up with me and I just felt overwhelming emotion towards him, he always felt safe to me and I craved that and one night we had sex and I had the best orgasm I had ever had in my life. After that it continued.

After dday we did engage in hysterical bonding, then things died down a little, then picked back up, and he was really confused as to why I all of a sudden liked sex, he kept saying the affair, and my AP must have awoken something in me.I explained to him for the first time in years he and I were talking, we were sharing feelings, we were connecting, I felt like we had raw emotions and that emotional connection followed into the physical one.

Sadly, now I think they have died down again and my husband is not feeling much desire or attraction to me and it makes me sad, but I understand it. I have to initiate any physical contact of any sort (hugs, touching, a kiss). We rarely talk these days and most nights I go to bed alone. I know its my fault but it hurts to see how what I have done has affected him. It hurts to feel unwanted and undesired, but I understand why, so I don't push the issue.

Relationships are complicated. It is not black and white, men vs. women. There are so many factors involved, the OP story is his, it is up to his wife to explain her why's. He needs to sit down with her and discuss it to get his answers.

I hope I didn't overshare, but I wanted to be as honest as possible (and yes all of this has been discussed with my own BH).

[This message edited by pinkpggy at 10:01 AM, October 3rd (Wednesday)]

There's been a lot of sharing and theory in this thread.

Is that what you wanted, SCP?

If not, what do you need?

How can we help?

Pink, at the risk of a TJ, does your husband express to you that he feels undesired by you? Did he express that in the past?

After the affair, yes, he said he felt like plan B and that I am just staying for financial reasons.

Before the affair I think he just thought I wasn't interested in sex at all, so you can imagine his complete shock at me having a sexual affair. It wasn't that I did not desire him, or want to be with him I just felt like I couldn't express myself or wasn't comfortable. I felt unattractive and that I was just there and doing it for his benefit (this was in my head). I feel like if I had just embraced it and relaxed things would have been better.

He says now his issue is he can't make me "feel" the feelings that the AP did, the words, the ego stuff. I don't think he is worried about pleasing me sex wise. He says I obviously wasn't happy and I was missing something and he can't give me that something. I tell him that isn't his responsibility. Its a roller coaster.

[This message edited by pinkpggy at 10:22 AM, October 3rd (Wednesday)]

Sounds like a man who has lost his mojo. Speaking personally (but I know many of my male friends who feel this way), if a man is not confident that his sexuality is desired by the woman he is with, he will have difficulty expressing his own desire. It's a subtle bit of alchemy. Once the train is off the rails, it's tricky to get it back on. Male sexual egos are way more fragile than most women realize (in my experience).

I honestly just think he doesn't feel anything for me anymore. And that is ok. I understand. I just don't want to push anything because I don't want to make him uncomfortable. We don't really speak, or do anything together, he doesn't initiate any contact and I just think he doesn't really like me. Doesn't mean I'll give up, but I do want to respect his need for space from me.

Hi all!

I haven't posted in a long time here. Basically, life just seems to go on, and to be honest, I often wonder where I can post an add value on here. With that, I'm going to try.

I actually maybe a minority here, but I never asked if the sex was better with the AP, nor did I ask about the size of his junk. To be 100% honest, if he was bigger or smaller, it wouldn't have really mattered much in the grand scheme of things in my mind. As far as if the sex is better or worse, again, does it really matter? I just sit here and think that I hope the sex was amazing. I hope that she saw unicorns farting out Skittles when they did what they did. That would make me somehow feel better, like, maybe that the risk to myself and my family, and everything that I believed to be true was worth the risk.

Look, I'm a realist in certain things. I know that I'm awesome at certain things, like turning up routers. I plan and Design the network for one of the largest companies in the world. that being said, I'm pretty sure that Tom Brady could throw a football a whole lot better than me. Maybe my wife's AP was better in bed than I was. Does that mean that he's really a better man? If his Calvin Klein's fit a little bit tighter in the Crotch than mine does, does that mean that he is a better person? I personally don't think so. He wasn't there when my children were born. He is also not there taking care of them at midnight when they're sick. He's not busting his ass everyday at work providing for my family. In my eyes, it doesn't matter if he was bigger or better than me. what does matter to me is that he now knows how my wife was in bed. Something only I should have known. That is what keeps me awake at night.

Almost 18 months out, and I still have the open wounds. Yeah, they're starting to scar over, but my confidence will never be what it was. There are many times when I cannot finish what I start in the bedroom because of what she has done. My sex life is forever damaged because of this.

I sincerely feel awful for all of you that have went through this. I'm sure there is not a WS that thought they would be caught, but alas, there are quite a few of them. They certainly didn't think that their choices would have such drastic consequences. I truly believe that. I also don't View WS's as bad people, just people that made bad choices. I hope that we can all heal from this situation that brought us all together.

Have you read anywhere the wayward men said that the sex was better than their wives?

Not saying that they didn't enjoy the sex, but where they said it was better?

I normally don't see that here either

My husband said that sex with her was better than it was with me.

Well said, tryingtocope! Great post, and exactly what I was trying to say in my post about comparisons and emasculation. I never thought of it like that, but in some strange way you do hope it was just mindblowing. Because it was sure worth all that time and effort when it was going down (no pun intended). LOL

InsideOutWife

I am very sorry your husband was so cruel to say that to you. How did you react ? How has he treated you since ? How have you treated him since ?

I assumed he was honest since it was hard to say and he knew it would be hard to hear. Explained why he went to the well so many times. I cried and screamed and cried then bought every sex guide I could find. He wasn’t interested in sex with me and when we did have it it wasn’t the same. He wasn’t there anymore. He would call or text her immediately after from the bathroom or the parking lot to confess and cry and apologize to her. I’d scream and cry. I never stopped trying but he never got into it again after they got physical. He left me for her and they’re still together. He treats me like I don’t exist and she’s fake as a wig and happy love and light all day and night. It’s all a mask (I know I saw it slip not too long ago). As far as we can tell and I can tell and my kids say and her social media and his social media show they’re still in wuuuuv.

I think you have to consider the WS who post on this site fall into two categories.

Firstly, those who truly regret cheating and want to change and secondly there are some WS who are on this site because it's (at least partly) a conditioa of R.

With that in mind I don't think you'll find any WS on this site who'll admit to the sex being fabulous and the AP being being better in ANY way than the BS. It kind of goes against the whole ethos of this site.

Usually you some comments about the'fog'and how their actions are now much clearer. (BTW as a BW I'm not sold on the fog, sounds like an easy out for crap behavior). To be fair, while reading I on the Wayward forum I have seen a very few WS admitting the sex was good, because it was, you know, sex!

If you ever read a pro-infedelity forum then you would see a very different picture. There is all sorts of behaviour going on from MM/OM/MW/OW. I was recently on one trying to make sense of my own situation and the posters were very candid about what they were looking for. There were men and women discussing sexual affairs which lasted years but they had no real feelings other than casual fondness, they were definitely in it for the sex. Quite often, having one long-term AP but actively looking others because they get hooked on the excitement.

If you ever read a pro-infedelity forum then you would see a very different picture.

Which is what makes it very hard to believe. Not every AP sucks in bed. In fact, I'm sure some of them are fantastic in bed, they have the experience of sleeping with lots of women and finding what works. Which is why it's hard to believe that so many WS's come here and say "it wasn't good". If we had an equal split of "it was amazing" and "it was so-so", it would be easier to stomach, but it's just almost universal, small junk, loose women with bad bodies and no skills in bed. It's also completely counter to the A's that I know of IRL. Now, granted, I only know of men having A's, but the "sex is amazing" is a pretty common topic that's discussed. Most of that, to be honest, is quantity and specific acts (my wife won't swallow, my AP thinks my semen is made out of honey), but still, it's real hard to accept, even if it's true, that some many people here had crappy sex in their A.