SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

She loved how she felt, not the sex.

[I]f you got what you were seeking from the sex then you enjoyed the sex. ... [Unless there was force or threat of some sort], if you willing[ly do it] over and over again you enjoy it. I see no other explanation.

We see versions of this dialectic repeatedly here on SI, with some version of the first quote coming from a female poster (often, but not always, a WW), and some version of the second coming from a male poster (often, but not always, a BH).

I have nothing to add here just want to make a point that women and men aren’t so different when it comes to this topic. I’ve see women post on SI regarding the “tightness” of the AP. That Post really opened my eyes to the fact that we all have insecurities in the physical aspect of sex. That would be the female version of penis size. My WW AP penis was the size of a thumb. The OBS and my W both corroborated this fact. But guess what, they still got naked together. She still pursued him. They still connected sexually and she still got off on it. Pain is pain is pain and there’s plenty to go around.

Go back and re-read pinkpiggys post near the front of this thread. I think she nailed it on the head.

I have just read this thread and wanted to add my 2 cents.

There will always be someone with other physical attributes to us, we can't change that.

But even the most handsome looking guy with the biggest wiener , has bad breath in the morning, likely has attitude problems and if he is a cheater, will have moral flaws which will make him unattractive.

( The same is true for attractive women, it just takes some time and you see all their shortcomings)

With regards to the sex being better:

It's all in the head, and the fact that it's an affair will higher the arousal and feel better.

But if you would bring this down to a long term relationship, with kids and mortgage and a messy bedroom - even the sex with the AP would become less exciting, in different circumstances.

I think social media has a lot to answer for - we see all these people who appear to have this much better life, whilst we are full of self doubt and anxiety.

Love yourself for who you are, don't allow those thoughts to take over your happiness.

It truly is a mind f#ck isn't it!

Ironically, I watched a Netflix show (called Explained) and there was a 22 minute episode on the female orgasm.

One interesting fact was the amount of times a woman reaches orgasm with a first partner vs. the amount of times a woman reaches orgasm with a BF or Husband for the last time (last time they had sex). The ratio was the woman was six times more likely to orgasm with a familiar partner than a 1st time partner. Now, doesn't really help with long term AP's.

I too struggled with this as my WW can have multiple O's easily and did with her AP. I asked the same question and her reply was "it wasn't fulfilling"...and "I wasn't satisfied after". My take on this is yeah, I liked it, who doesn't like sex, and this was her way of trying to mitigate the damage. There is no way a one time or brief sexual encounter / partner can know a woman's body, likes, etc. It takes years and a desire from the man to do the work.

I know I'm better that the AP. However, the fact she gave this away to that sack of s#it so easily is a hard pill to swallow.

On the size front, he is thicker than me, and over the years, my WW has always said she enjoys thicker (toys, etc.) more than length, so another ouch!

My WW and I were our first everything, and she is still my first everything so I have nothing to base my "performance" against which is probably why I still struggle with this. Had I been with other woman prior to my WW, maybe it wouldn't be as tough for me.

She did anal with her AP because (and all the men will roll their eyes and chuckle like I did) he hadn't had a partner that would let him do that, so it was special and she wanted to please him. Lol and sorry, I threw up in my mouth a little. How could my wife be sooo gullible! So I asked her about a year ago, is there anything we do together that makes her uncomfortable? Yeah, anal. I'm not going to ask my wife to do anything that makes her uncomfortable, so we dont do that anymore. She said she would do it if I asked, but she wanted to answer me honestly. So, in my mind, the AP owns that.

God, I'm rambling now and a bit of a tj, sorry. I guess my point is that from my experience, and as a man, the physical stuff is the most difficult part to come to grips with. You can analyze this to death.

At the end of the day, my WW was an easy piece of a$$, more than available, and willing to do more than the AP's other side peices, so he took it. For her, he was really nice, he listened, he cared, and her currency was her body. Helps me to look at it like this. She was the one that made vows to me, not the AP. If it wasn't him it would have been some other guy. She has major issues that we are slowly dealing with.

The physical stuff:

I am in the gym nearly daily, have a low body fat percentage ( I have practiced judo for 30+ years and always make clear I am in my weight category) and take care of my appearance - among other reasons for my wife, as I know that you can't let yourself go in a marriage.

The AP - a bolding fat guy who has diabetes.

I nearly had to laugh when I first saw a picture of him.

But - he is a sales rep and has the "gift of the gab"

He could charm my wife's pants off, so there you go.

It had nothing to do with my appearance.

[This message edited by Atg100 at 5:17 PM, October 1st (Monday)]

Have you given any thought about what your wayward wife is doing to change into someone such that infidelity will never be an option for her again?

The questions you ask regarding penis size and enjoyment of sex are not pertinent if she is still capable of having an affair.

^^^^^ This. Exactly.

SCP, I stopped reading halfway because I agree with another poster about penis size etc. I have never had a conversation, or heard one, about penis sizes. I wish you guys would stop looking at porn. It reminds me of a British newspaper that has hundreds of pictures of women in thongs and tiny little bikini bras on their website every day. The fact that those women have been tucked and sucked into those figures are impossible for the rest of us to live up to. Sex is now all about who has the biggest breast or penis and nothing about who is the truest. Please stop worrying about that. The best sex is when you are emotionally connected to your partner. The rest of it is nothing.

OP here

Thank you everyone for your comments.

After reading everyone's posts I think men and women simply process the sexual details of the affair differently.

It absolutely kills me that my wife may have had better sex with another man and had sex with a bigger penis. Some people understand this and others think it is nonsensical.

If I do not divorce my wife I will think about these two things every time we have sex.

If you do this than you worry about things you can’t influence at all.

This is usually unhealthy.

Secondly, you allow the AP into your head and he can influence your own happiness.

You are the master of your thoughts and your own happiness.

I would even go so far and postulate that even after a divorce you would worry about the difference in penis size.

Don’t let the bad guys win.

Take ownership of your own happiness and be the better man.

Did your wife enjoy sex with her AP? Yes she did or she would not have continued to engage multiple times over two years.

I already disproved this. You are wrong. She loved how important and desired she felt. That's what all cheaters love.

I 150% agree with Owning. The few times I was with the AP, I never had an O and I couldn’t even look at him during it. I turned away or hid my face. I have an O every single time with my H. After 27 years he knows my body and what it takes. It truly was never about the act of sex itself. That was almost par for the course. I was addicted to the way the AP wanted me and desired me after years of neglect from my H and all the anger I had built up. It was like crack to a crackhead.

Before my H found out, I had already set in motion IC and leaving the A. I had even sent my H texts that I wasn’t going out of town on business anymore. I knew there was something deep in me that was broken and needed fixed.

My H and I are well into R and both made changes after the A. Our sex life now is almost nightly with lots of cuddles, kisses, and holding. We never stop touching and can’t stand to be a part. It’s only been 3&1/2 months: will it last? I plan on it and work on it every day but we don’t know the future. I hope so and I continue to do the work every day with that goal in mind.

I can’t speak for every WW, only myself and it was never about the sex. Actually, it would be easier if it was.

Tarheelnurse,

I understand where you're coming from.

But after two years of multiple times weekly, I'm pretty sure the AP figured out how to "push the right buttons."

After reading everyone's posts I think men and women simply process the sexual details of the affair differently.

It absolutely kills me that my wife may have had better sex with another man and had sex with a bigger penis. Some people understand this and others think it is nonsensical.

If I do not divorce my wife I will think about these two things every time we have sex.

We heal in an individual way based on our unique circumstances but it may be similar between the sexes depending on the type of infidelity and affair.

So if you measure the OM and he has a smaller dick than you and your wife convinces you that you were better at sex you will reconcile with her?

We had 2 members that were likely the same individual in my opinion post about this in an obsessive fashion.

Are you from Wisconsin. Have you posted here before?

Understand that I'm no expert by any means, and I'm only several months into this godawful infidelity shit myself, but I'll tell what I have learned so far, my friend . . . I said it before in your other thread, and I'll say it again because I believe this wholeheartedly:

I was somehow able to understand this early on about my WW and her OM, even immediately after DD . . . .

Her AP might have been better in the sack than I could ever hope to be, or he might have struggled with knowing what to do every damn time. The good Lord might have blessed him with twice as much cock as what I'm packing or my thumb might be more impressive than what that SOB is carrying between his legs -- in the end, whether we choose to R or D, it simply DOES NOT MATTER. Only the future matters, moving forward. Whatever that means for you and your WW, it is what it is.

As long as your WW is truly committed to NC, you are in competition with NO ONE. Not anymore. Trust her, or not. Pick up the pieces of your ruined marriage, or cut your losses and run for the hills. Whatever your decision, it does NOT make you any less of a man.

[This message edited by notbeyondrepair at 12:12 PM, October 2nd (Tuesday)]

Notbeyond

If she had better sex with him than me due to penis size, chemistry, passion, technique or whatever then she will always think about him favorably and probably fantasize about him occasionally. Additionally, she will be slightly disappointed with our sex life compared to theirs.

[This message edited by SweetCreamPie at 12:15 PM, October 2nd (Tuesday)]

She may well fantasize about him every single time. You don’t know... you’ll never know. You have to accept that as a possibility. If you can’t handle it, then you’re going to have to move on.

My WW claims to not have particularly enjoyed the sex part. In her own words, he was quite “clumsy” and “juvenile” acting about it. I wasn’t there, I can’t confirm this. She could be lying to spare my feelings. He could’ve been comparable to a top rated porn star... I will literally never know the truth. I don’t believe anything my WW has to say about it. She could fantasize about him every time we have sex. I choose to not give a shit. Let her fantasize. Our sex is not about connecting as husband and wife anymore... it’s just something fun to do.

IMO, this is the best it’ll ever get for me and her. Maybe that’s the best you can hope for as well if you want/have to stay with your wife.

Only the most brutally honest WWs ever say the sex was great. The rest of them, well, what would you say if you wanted to R?

Sometimes it isn't about "whether or not you can handle it"(wondering if sex with AP was better).

Sometimes it just may be whether or not you even want to have to deal with (or think of it) that aspect of it at all. That it's a deal breaker and if it is well than it is.

Only you can decide if it is.

I have read virtually every post on this site and not one WW has said the sex with AP was incredible or better than with their husband.

The only people on this site who say the WWs had amazing sex or better sex with their APs are angry BHs.

Are there any WWs on this site who had better sex with AP than husband ?

Are there any WW who had amazing sex with their APs ?

I’m not calling any of the WWs here liars. I’m not necessarily calling my WW a liar either. But they can’t all have had affairs with fat, ugly guys who couldn’t keep an erection and who didn’t know what they were doing.

A very prominent woman on the wayward forum has admitted that she did very much enjoy sex with her AP, but that was just currency she was using for the emotional part of the A. There are others like that, but the vast majority claim to have not enjoyed it.

I can’t entirely relate, but I do have a cheating story of my own. Back in high school I had a very attractive girlfriend, and we had a very active and enjoyable sex life, and overall she was a great girlfriend. But I cheated on her with a couple different girls. Neither girl was as pretty as my GF, and they really didn’t have a clue about what they were doing sexually. But I did it. And even though I was just a 17-18!year old kid, and an idiot, I can sort of relate. Those girls made me feel like a God! I know that my little high school relationship is not on the same planet as marital infidelity, but I sadly do have a little insight into the wayward mindset.

Also, it actually does terrify me that I was having that much sex in high school. I hope my children are smarter.