SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I hardly thought you’d be old enough for grandkids!

FoenixRising, I’m not old enough! I’m still in my 40’s. But we actually have 3 now. Two granddaughters and one grandson. Walloped and I got married young and had kids right away. The 2 princesses belong to DD1 (the one who was getting married at the time of my EA) and DD2 got married about 2 years ago and had the cutest baby boy ever!

And I totally get what you’re saying about how we have pictures of people in our minds. I hope I didn’t utterly destroy yours. We’re actually really happy and blessed to be young grandparents. We have loads of energy to enjoy them and help out too. We babysit a lot and have taken the little ones for a few days here and there so our kids could go on vacay and get much needed alone time.

FR- I’m just afraid I’m NOT letting go. Shoulds are deadly, and for perhaps too much of my life I’ve kept most of them reasonably at bay. But between some real career crises and this, I feel like they’re all coming home to roost at once.

HIO- You’re right about not banking on post-divorce. That’s the hope I’m clinging to. But it’s rooted in exactly the same sense that you describe of knowing how unique my relationship with BW WAS.

MrsW- I think her knowing my hope ISN’T ok. I think knowing it’s there is causing her pain. I definitely work hard to not guilt trip her, and successfully. But that continued guilt seems to stick her- She apologized last week for breaking up the family because she can’t just R.

I’m thankful for every day I see her and she knows that (ETA she likely doesn’t. That’s what I can’t seem to communicate.) She tries so hard to keep it together for the kids and I continually offer her extra time either with or without them, preferably without so she can really think and feel. But her feelings on obligation and duty are different, and that feels like a millstone around her neck right now.

She continues to articulate a worry that I won’t be ok. But I AM ok. But ok is lukewarm compared to what I destroyed. And that’s not being thrown in her face. I’m working so hard to not push that on her. But her alternative is “normal us” and she seems to have trouble believing that. It’s not gonna happen anytime soon, but she can’t hear that from me since I’m the reason we’re here.

All this is a rehash for me I know, and thanks everyone for bearing with me. But I just don’t feel like letting go. And while I know she does, I keep believing in change. And I continue to wonder if that’s just deferring what I KNOW this outcome looks like.

[This message edited by JBWD at 3:42 PM, November 15th (Friday)]

NVM

[This message edited by ff4152 at 7:46 PM, November 15th (Friday)]

I didn't want to start my own thread, so I am just going to write this here.

My Dad died November 1st and his memorial service is tomorrow. He wasn't the greatest dad, hell, he probably wouldn't have even be considered a very good dad, but he was mine and I loved him so much. He was the one man, other than my own sons, who loved me unconditionally.

He was a wayward and he left my mom for the OW but I don't give a shit. That is not the memory that I will carry with me. He was so much more than that moment in time.

He was a Marine. He promised to protect and serve his community when he started wearing a badge, and he did so with honor. He was recognized several times for his bravery in saving a life without any thought to his own. Quite a few people that he arrested over the years have told me that he showed them respect, even when they didn't deserve it and how much it meant to them.

But what I am going to remember is the smaller things. He loved his coffee and his chain smoking, both at the same time of course. He used cuss words in normal, everyday conversation, with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth and a cup of coffee in his hand.

My Dad always told me that I could out talk a room full of lawyers and politicians on their best day. When I asked him if I talked too much, he always said no, not at all. Whether I was talking a mile minute or singing at the top of my lungs, he loved to just hear my voice.

He had these saying that he used all the time. Like if I wanted something. He would come back with "if you want in one hand and shit in the other, which is going to fill up first?" Or "do you want a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of?" That was my Dad's sense of humor. He also replied with "I don't give a rat's ass, two shits or a flying fuck about (insert whatever we would be talking about) yes, all in the same sentence. He definitely had a way with words.

My Dad did give me something that I always have and always will treasure, for the simple reason, he gave it to me. My legal first name is very feminine. When they brought me home from the hospital, Dad was holding me and just couldn't call me by my given name. He said he knew that someday soon I would grow to be a tough, rowdy tomboy and my name didn't fit me, too girlie. So he started calling me the male version, which has been my name ever since. I love it, it is who I am and it fits me to a T. I never use my real name if I can help it because I don't like it and it's not me. I had even considered legally changing my first name over the years but I never got around to it. Then when my FIL died 4 1/2 years ago, someone in the family used my real first name in the obituary and it really pissed me off. I swore then that someday I was going to legally change it. Fast forward to now and I can hear my Dad saying my name. He had called me a different version of the nickname that he gave me. It is also the name I call myself when I talk to myself in the third person. Anyway, when I read my Dad's obituary, with the information supplied by my sister, I was devastated. She used my real first name! So after her and I had a little talk, I decided that the only way to stop people from using my real name is to go to court and legally change it. And if I had any doubts, they disappeared when I found out that it would cost me 150.00 dollars to file the paperwork with the court and my Dad left us kids all the money he had, split 3 ways. My share is 150.00 dollars. Coincidence? I don't think so:) Thanks Dad.

When it comes to my Dad, I'm not wearing rose colored glasses, I'm not putting him up on any pedestal and I know that he is never going to be considered for sainthood, but I just don't give a rat's ass, two shits or a flying fuck. He was my Dad and I loved him unconditionally.

I think that will be a meaningful way to honor him, FTR.

It’s moving to hear those who your father arrested recognized the dignity he extended them, I think that speaks volumes about him. Hope you’re doing ok after the loss.

Duplicate post

[This message edited by JBWD at 12:41 AM, November 17th (Sunday)]

Wrong post

[This message edited by hikingout at 11:22 AM, November 17th (Sunday)]

He dropped our daughter off this morning. I could hear her coming up the steps, so I opened the door and waited. She ran and jumped into my arms. He wouldn't step into the apartment, just stayed at the door. We have a birthday party to go to this afternoon, but first we will feed the ducks.

I wish I could time travel back into the past or see into the future.

FTR, sorry for your loss. You described your dad so well here he must have been an interesting character, I've got a mental picture of a cross between Chuck Norris and Clint Eastwood.lol

On a more serious note I think you have found the perfect way to honor him with the money he left. Praying for you and your family <3

Followtheriver,

I am so sorry for your loss. I hope all is well with you. I have had you in my thoughts and prayers.

Lifedestroyer-

I know that has to be tough. Keep in mind your H needs to fully try on this separation to get clarity. Your acceptance of that will make this easier where your aren’t hinging all success in each small interaction.

Yep, wish I could go back as well. The best thing to do is concentrate on the present and decide how the things you do and think aligns with the woman you aspire to become. This will yield the best results because it’s active, not passive. And it’s something you can control- it’s actually the only thing you can control. When you realize that more things can snap into place. Regardless I am sorry you are hurting.

Followtheriver,

That's the way I feel about my Dad. God Bless your dad and all who served our nation.

2tu

FTR,

I am sorry. I understand what it feels like to lose a parent. Are you going to read anything at his memorial? I think he would get kick out of hearing you end it with one of his funny sayings. The people in attendance may be shocked, but he wouldn't give a rat's ass, two shits or a flying fuck about what they think, and neither should you. He's your dad, and only your memories/feelings are what's important.

Thank you all so much. Your kind words have helped me get through a very rough and emotional day.

JBWD,

I

t’s moving to hear those who your father arrested recognized the dignity he extended them, I think that speaks volumes about him. Hope you’re doing ok after the loss.

My Dad tried to live by the golden rule and that included everyone from all walks of life.

No, I am not doing ok, at least not tonight. But tomorrow will be better. I have never lost anyone as close to me as my Dad was and it is just now hitting me.

Sayuwontletgo

You described your dad so well here he must have been an interesting character, I've got a mental picture of a cross between Chuck Norris and Clint Eastwood.lol

This lifted my spirits and made me laugh. Your mental picture is spot on, now throw a little Burt Reynolds in for looks and that's my Dad. Chuck Norris, just the name makes me smile.

Hikingout,

I am so sorry for your loss. I hope all is well with you. I have had you in my thoughts and prayers.

I really do appreciate this. I am still here and I am still standing. I really won't let anything keep me down for too long. Your thoughts and prayers give me strength.

2timesunfaithful,

That's the way I feel about my Dad. God Bless your dad and all who served our nation.

Thank you so much this. I'm glad that I am not the only one who feels like I do about their Dad. His service meant everything to him and I imagine that he was smiling when all the officers saluted as his flag was presented to us today.

LifeDestroyer,

I am sorry. I understand what it feels like to lose a parent. Are you going to read anything at his memorial? I think he would get kick out of hearing you end it with one of his funny sayings. The people in attendance may be shocked, but he wouldn't give a rat's ass, two shits or a flying fuck about what they think, and neither should you. He's your dad, and only your memories/feelings are what's important.

I am sorry that you know what I am feeling right now. Even knowing that it is going to happen someday, you are never ready for it. I just wish I had more time with him.

I wasn't able to speak during the service, because Dad had wanted to give his kids one more gift. He had arranged for a song to be played for us that let us know how much he loved us and that he would always be with us. All three of us kind of lost it then, as I am doing right now, just thinking about how even to the end, his thoughts were of us.

As hard as today was, something wonderful happened. My dad's family that I lost touch with and haven't seen in a very long time, aunts, uncles, cousins and even my own brother, we came together as a real family. It's easy to say that we're not going to lose touch again and we'll get together, but since I know that actions speak louder than words, I appointment myself the keeper of the family. I got phone numbers, addresses and already took care of getting my sister and my Aunt V to come to my DD's wedding next month. A family reunion for next summer has already been discussed and we are looking at dates. Even my BH can't believe that I have relatives that are normal and he really likes them.

It took losing my Dad for all of us to realize that no matter how much time had passed, we loved each other. We are family and it is about damn time that we started acting like it. Lol.

Also, on Tuesday morning, I am filing the paperwork to legally change my name. Thanks for everything Dad.

Best thing to come out of a courthouse on this website. The money, the family coming together, all little reminders that when we stop seeking, what we need comes to us.

You’re heard today. I’m sure that it feels shaky knowing that there was someone there steadying you- I’m not a subscriber to Judeo-Christian theology particularly, but I still know (and think you will feel it when ready) that he is still there steadying you, just in different ways. You’ll find him in joyful moments, in beautiful sounds or images, and especially in the love of your family.

Hiking out

But shame really shows up a lot of ways, and knowing it's source and the way it manifests could help you to move forward in a better way. Shame in a lot of ways is what keeps us from being vulnerable, keeps us from going to places with people that gives us a deep belonging.

This is such a true statement about shame and it's affects, at least to me. The first thing that pops into my mind when I think about opening up to someone, or even just calling my family to check in, is that I'm so ashamed of my life... what will I say? And so I don't call, which leads to more shame and feelings of failure. Or I don't interact or reach out. It's like being in chains.

And the fact that I continue in some of those things that bring me shame, it's just ongoing, in some areas and so it's a downward spiral, for me at least, that hampers all of my relationships.

FollowtheRiver,

I am just now catching up and wanted to send you my condolences. I know that things haven’t been easy lately for you. I am hoping that you are able to find some peace.

((((FTR))))

btw, I think the legal name change is a great way to honor your dad.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:54 AM, November 22nd (Friday)]

This is such a true statement about shame and it's affects, at least to me. The first thing that pops into my mind when I think about opening up to someone, or even just calling my family to check in, is that I'm so ashamed of my life... what will I say? And so I don't call, which leads to more shame and feelings of failure. Or I don't interact or reach out. It's like being in chains.

And the fact that I continue in some of those things that bring me shame, it's just ongoing, in some areas and so it's a downward spiral, for me at least, that hampers all of my relationships.

Hi Pyrite,

Yes - and for me, I carried shame before the divorce. The sources were from the past and very deep, I didn't spend time healing them so shame always made me feel less than. I didn't feel worthy of other people's time.

Some of Brene Brown's work helped me with this. I would recommend you to read "Rising Strong". To break some of this cycle you are in, you first have to recognize it. You have done that, and it is a big step. Now, you have to use self discipline to work past your comfort zone. Start small. Make a commitment to call someone once a week, or to improve a specific relationship that you wish was better. You will find that the more you move those mucsles the better you will feel. You can do this, and it can get better.

In your infidelity (besides the pain you caused to yourself or to your spouse or the affair itself as those things are quite obvious) - what would be your biggest regret?

Besides the quite obvious things you mentioned, which obviously only leaves the lesser things, I regret sharing my hobby with my AP. The joy is dead.

That makes sense. What was your hobby? There are so many things I don’t enjoy because they are now associated with the affair. Its something I bump against fairly often, things I really loved before.

Similarly for me- Places that BW and I had planned on going once my military pension shows up next year, now deferred for me solo. Some the kids might be interested in, some not.

I have grown to LOVE the high desert of CA/NV, regrettably Reno was site of the only trip AP and I took- So the whole NE side of CA would likely be triggering for BW, and it is even for me to some extent.