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WWW,

I intend to. I am over my fears of being right, or justifying things based on my past.

I need to take ownership of my future and destiny. And stop allowing the past to drag me down, and excuse my own shortcomings.

-D

that's no small thing, d.

WWW,

I know...

But what became clear to me was that I was finally able to see myself through the eyes of others here on SI. And to realize that it is up to me to make the difference.

It is huge for me. But so needed.

I knew that I was failing in my approach and my attitude. But I needed a wake-up call.

Thank God, that is what I got.

-Defiance

..Wow..what a thread..

..my only suggestion D is to go back to the beginning of this thread and read it again and then a third time..

..keep reading it so you see the whole picture that has been painted right before your own eyes..

..it is an 'evolution' in 8 pages..

best of luck to you for a positive change in your life!

smy

smy,

I have.

And I was ready for the change, and for the 2x4's and the hard, real advice. I just didn't know it for sure until I started being able to see myself through the eyes of others.

It was a wakeup call that I was ready for. Thankfully.

Lots of things led me to this, but the people here forced me to take one last hard look at myself. And it became clear.

It's up to me. Not to blame the rest of the world. Or the past. Or my SO.

Just me.

And I need to rise to that challenge and stop making excuses.

-D

This thread has really touched me. Much of the advice I can take for myself, so I thank you Def and SI posters for it. I know I will read it numerous times.

Like others, I have been worried for a while with the drastic emotions that were coming through in your posts (for ex: stating forcefully that you would never have a relationship again, and a few months later, being ready to propose without having really dated). But this thread is reassuring. I can see a change in what you are writing... and a calmer Defiance that we hadn't seen in a while.

Many positive thoughts for your continued growth Def.

I miss the bar when you used to be so funny!

Thank you, FrenchGirl.

I miss those days too. And I am starting to find that person again.

The one who can laugh and just have fun and share that with others. It's been a long road.

But I am seeing real light at the end of the tunnel.

Who knows. I may resurrect the Temple of Consumption in F&G soon.

-D

I intend to. I am over my fears of being right, or justifying things based on my past.

Being right all the time doesn't guarantee us happiness. True inner peace will come quicker when we can admit we were wrong and understand that we are allowed to be wrong...we don't HAVE to be right all the time. We are all humans, and no human is right all the time. And, if they were, they would be pretty damn lonely, because would you want to be around someone who was always right?

I think it is great that you are thinking deeply about all this stuff, but I am still advocating for some therapy. Because it is awfully, awfully hard to change that negative tape that keeps playing in our heads, telling us what is wrong with us, and many times it takes a neutral party to keep challenging us over and over with those negative thoughts before we can finally let them go.

And once you can let those go, a whole new world will open up for you. I know this, D, because I've been there.

Hey D-

I've been reading this whole thread and find that you have received GREAT advice on it.

The one thing that really stuck out to me when you were considering a proposal to your SO, was the fact that you had never been together, on a date, etc.

She was emotionally available to you, just not physically available. I believe to bond, you need both.

I think you have the strength now to find someone who will be both emotionally and physically available to you.

You certainly deserve it! Look how many people are in this thread just to support you!

Thinking of you and hoping your circumstances will be changing for the better soon.

Take care!

~ BIO

NA,

Still searching for a therapist who can help. It is hard where I live, and funds (and lack of any health insurance) are going to be obstacles. But I am still looking at this as necessary.

BIO,

My SO and I are going to try to work on this together. We both value the potential enough to try. She knows (and feels the same) that not having intimacy and time alone will not sustain. But it is up to her and I to see how we can work this out, together.

There are obstacles and issues, for sure. Some pretty big ones.

But I am willing to give this a chance, because I think it, and she, are worth it.

-D

Oh! D! Here's the rest of it....I just turned off the computer and went to bed, but had to hop back on here, because here is what it was for me, and I have an idea that some of this may be true for you also.

I didn't ALLOW myself to be happy, because I didn't feel I deserved it. I did that self-sabotage crap too, for years. I didn't allow myself to be happy, because the negative speak in my head went something like this...."You are a bad mom, you are a failure. You were not able to provide a happy Disney type childhood for your kids, you screwed up, you chose really bad men, your choices have ruined your kids lives." I had to have a therapist keep coming at me, for session after session, disputing all those claims. Once I finally "got it", and realized I was actually a decent mom who loved her kids and was doing everything I could, and that indeed their lives were not totally ruined by my poor choices, I was free, to pursue my own happiness. The therapist also told me it was my responsibility to be a good role model by showing my children that I did not have to self-sacrifice my happiness for others, but was entitled and even obligated to seek out my own happiness.

It opened up a totally different outlook on life for me, and has made a HUGE difference.....and so I am wondering, with all the negativity that you have heard, how much of that stays and plays in your head, even when you don't consciously think about it? I know you have posted before of some of the effects of the emotional abuse your ex had on you.

If you can get some help to deal with the negative speak, and probably cognitive therapy is all that you would need, because you are smart and can process things well.....I think your whole life would look different to you, and you would start making happier and healthier choices for yourself.

JMO, of course, don't know if I hit anything here or not....but trying to help thru my experiences....you deserve some real happiness in this life and I don't think you really, truly feel that inside.

NA,

I don't believe that deserve has anything to do with it.

That said, I also now understand, that I need to be the active one working towards my own happiness.

That whether or not I deserve it, I will not find it by sitting back and blaming the past, or the actions of others.

That I do need to seek counsel, and advice, and help. That I cannot do EVERYTHING by myself. And to accept the help of others.

And to stop blaming the past. And letting it be my excuse for failure.

We have all had very hard times. I can't afford to let mine be the limiting factor in my future.

Not ever again.

-D

My SO and I are going to try to work on this together. We both value the potential enough to try. She knows (and feels the same) that not having intimacy and time alone will not sustain. But it is up to her and I to see how we can work this out, together.

This concerns me that you are still considering this relationship and/or friendship. Anyone could have seen from the gitgo that this would not work out. You pursued it and it validated all your negative thoughts: Everyone in life will let me down, let me go, not value me. But it was almost as if you chose this person so you could prove to yourself that the world is an evil place where everyone will let you down.

There are lots of women out there with cameras and a love of nature and a love of all your good qualities who can actually give to you in ways you have never imagined because you've never had it. Start telling yourself you want and deserve that.

I don't want to see you investing any more of your energies with this woman because I don't see it changing. She may make some promises but we can all tell you it's not going to change so save yourself the disappointment. I'm glad you are rethinking your approach to discussions but I don't think that should affect the outcome of this particular sitch. She does not have anything to give you right now, you need to walk away for your own sake. Staying friends is only going to pull you back in again.

Best of luck to you, I think you are starting to see the light and make some positive changes.

P.S. Where's the thread about giving access to the nuclear facility?! I missed that one!

You know, I don't know what is going to happen. Or if things will truly change over time.

I am hopeful, but not blind. If things can't change, and don't change, then we have nothing to build on.

I won't live a life where dreams sustain me.

I don't want to prove that the world will let me down. I want to see if this can work. It is very much up to her to do so. I can't make it happen.

There are lots of women out there with cameras and a love of nature and a love of all your good qualities who can actually give to you in ways you have never imagined because you've never had it. Start telling yourself you want and deserve that.

I'm not sure I can believe this. I think that the combination of both of those qualities is very rare indeed. Want? Yes. Deserve?....

I do know what I want. A real relationship with time together, alone. That I very much want.

But I don't truly deserve anything. It's a powerless assertion in this world to think that what we feel we deserve has any bearing. That way of thinking to me has long been cast on an ash heap. We all know that deserving or feeling we deserve something wonderful in life is a pipe dream. It is a matter of fate, luck, and doing what we can to put ourselves in a position where happiness and good things are possible.

But what I deserve or what I think, or others think I deserve, has no bearing at all on what happens. None.

I think that I deserve a life of happiness, love, companionship, fidelity. That I deserve peace and some measure of security.

But I know all too well that deserve's got nothing to do with it.

-Defiance

[This message edited by Defiance at 11:20 AM, September 4th (Saturday)]

D I have been following this thread with great interest. I just wanted to encourage you to call the local Mental Health Clinic and see if they have "arrangements" for those who cannot afford one-on-one therapists.

I'm in Canada, so things may be different, but I went to a counseling group that was subsidized by the Mental Health Clinic/Government and I only had to pay $5 a week. It was life saving for me.

That was where I heard about the book "Co-dependent No More" by Melody Beattie which I also recommend you buy as much of it can be applied to your various situations.

Good luck D!

Believe me, D, I know just what an emotional MINE FIELD it is trying to express oneself here (especially if *another* might be able to read it as well). That is really F'king hard to do!

And, it might further complicate the sitch down the road...another reason I don't reveal too much but I do give lots of hugs.

Ageism IS alive and well...very hard to understand and comprehend in one's 30's/40's.

I've witnessed it first hand and with another who is 61 years old.

Yes, one "ruse" is to say you are "over qualified" but they ALSO JUST DON'T CALL YOU.

That silence is pretty damned deafening!

And, if one has been "stirring the pot up", it does get back and of course it affects job opportunities/references, etc.

Furthermore~ its easy to write, ""Screw them all"...really so difficult to implement in Human Reality.

I get that, too.

In my times of deep despair, this has helped me:

"Yesterday's gone, tomorrow is not here yet, and all I have is TODAY".

I hope this makes a modicum of sense.

We have both walked the Path of Crap for years & it stinks.

Yes, and judges do have a LOT of Power -- especially in my state.

"Take what you can use...and leave the rest behind".

Hang in there, D!

(((((huge hugs))))

PS Sorry if this sounded bordering on a personal rant-- as it was not meant to be.

I am hopeful, but not blind. If things can't change, and don't change, then we have nothing to build on.

I won't live a life where dreams sustain me.

D- I say this with all love and friendship: you already are.

You are hoping that she changes, you are hoping that she develops the nerve to leave her mother, you are hoping that she will put you first.

She's already proven that she will NOT do that. Ever.

I don't understand why you are giving her another chance to disappoint you?

You're buying into the fantasy of "someday" things will change. And giving her another chance based on what? The only thing that does is tell her that she does NOT have to change anything and you will accept it.

I did that for the last three years- you know the whole story. Kept hoping things would change, kept giving him another chance. He ended up the same person he was from the beginning- because that is who he IS. And I'm afraid the same is true for your SO- she is who she is and if she hasn't changed yet, it's not going to happen.

[This message edited by Eranda at 1:51 PM, September 4th (Saturday)]

Did I read a post where you said you could stay friends with her and see where things lead?

Maybe that is a good idea. Stay friends and then wait and see.

Obviously you like each other a lot and want to build something together.

It doesn't always have to happen so fast.

I personally wouldn't wait years and years. That's not what I mean, but I feel like she may be worth waiting for.

This is an amazing thread with things to think about for probably all of us. You've had some fantastic insight and advice and you've accepted it with grace and awareness, which is not all that easy to do when you're the one being publicly analyzed.

No question, you've been dealt a miserable hand. But like others, I've long read your posts and been concerned by the volatility and what looked like potential for self-destruction, and I'm really happy to see you working on heading down a productive and moderate path. (I've also been struck by the fact that you've chosen to pursue a relationship with a woman who seems more like yet another dependent than an equal).

I'm not sure where in NJ you are, but have you tried any universities for low cost therapy? Any major university with a psych department (Seton Hall, Rutgers, Princeton) should have PhD students needing to do client hours and they generally offer a sliding scale based on need. You might not get the most experienced therapist in the world, but that doesn't mean they won't be good.

And, last, a question - am I imagining things, or did you mention that you grew up with an alcoholic parent? If so, I think you need to go back to that as the root of a lot of these issues.

((hugs))

My ex and my SO read here occaionally. At this point, I have to step away and not address any more specifics of either my relationship, or of my other situations with regard to my ex-wife.

This thread and my statements in it have already cost me.

I thought I might be able to post and get support (and I have gotten TONS of incredible advice, support and wisdom already) as my safe place, and stay under the radar.

But sadly, it's not really safe for me anymore.

I guess as long as I stick to posting my photos, I'm okay.

I'm happy to discuss anything or hear opinions in PMs, anytime.

-D

[This message edited by Defiance at 2:18 PM, September 4th (Saturday)]