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Brother, I don't know how you deal with OM being around your kids. I know its a civility thing but you're a hell of a lot better person than I am. OM has yet to be in contact with or around my boys and seriously don't even know how I'll act when that day comes.

My biggest fear, and this may be a long shot, is that they'll like this guy. I KNOW they don't think that he's replacing me or anything, but to even like this motherfucker sends shivers of unadulterated rage down my spine.

When my boys asked what role this OM played in their lives. I told them he's a fucking no one and they don't owe him shit. HE HELPED tear their life apart in a very willing and deliberate manner, so if they choose not to acknowledge this asshole that's their perogative. And that if their mother and OM truly value them in their lives then they'll understand that.

Oh my GOD! I can't even imagine the monk-like patience you must have, man! Even thinking about it is riling me up into a frenzy!

OM around my kids... I'm going to start binge watching CSI, The First 48 and all the rest of the crime shows so I know EXACTLY how to deal with OM if he do ANYTHING that that makes my boys uncomfortable.

[This message edited by FormerArmyGuy at 5:58 AM, May 7th (Thursday)]

Please, try to come up with the retainer as soon as possible and get a lawyer as soon as possible, before her bubble bursts and she becomes more demanding.

Also, it's essential you buy a VAR asap!

Feel like this should be repeated. It's clear your wife is a Rebound for OM and OM is a rebound/whatever for you're wife. At some point she is going to realize that she has "abandoned" the house and kids (doesn't look good for court) or she might start thinking you have it easier with the kids since you have the house...

So, so many WW have tried the DV call that it's unreal. One guys wife actually tried to fake DV while being recorded... pretending like the punches she was throwing at her husband were hitting her. The cops were easily able to figure things out from the recording but the guy could have easily been removed and had a DV suite thrown at him.

[This message edited by Freeme at 8:05 AM, May 8th (Friday)]

Army, you're right, it's not that I want my kids to see that fucker at all, but due to my idiot WWs decision about living conditions, it's that or the kids just don't see her. Fortunately, OM works 2nd shift now so at most has around an hour with them 3 nights/week.

Believe, I'm keeping VERY close tabs on the situation. Once I heard about what happened, I confirmed with my 18-year-old, my 10-year-old, and my WW about the details. She was in panic mode I could tell, and knows that I won't put up with any bullshit from this asshole. If he so much as raises his voice, the police and attorneys will be involved immediately. God help that shithead if he ever lays a hand on any of my kids.

I'm following everyone's advice and getting a VAR for personal contact situations. Right now, we're under a strict text-only contact rule unless it's an emergency, but I guess if WW gets desperate or crazy enough, she could just show up or make some excuse to have me meet her. Damn, it's just nuts to think I have to resort to this, but after reading other stories, I figure better prepared than not.

One last note: I actually slept pretty good last night and no fucking mind movies, yay! Feeling pretty good this morning too, for the first time in a few days. Normally, the nights and early mornings are a little rough. Think it really helped having the NC discussion, so I don't have to worry about WW just dropping in. This feels like progress so hoping I don't backslide into depression again. As always, I REALLY appreciate all the support and advice I've received here. Think it's helped me start to move forward a lot faster than I would have been able to otherwise.

Thanks for the update, sounds great. Are there any things you might sell from the house that aren't essential so you could gather money faster for the retainer? Get a loan from a family member? Maybe prepare divorce papers yourself/get her to agree to some stuf and write them down/file for divorce yourself, THEN get a lawyer?

Best wishes!

Hobbes, funny you should mention that. I'm actually listing some old cell phones on eBay today, that should net at least $300 or so. And one of my brothers is going to loan me a few hundred so getting there. Hoping end of month at latest. My mom coming to my house to cook me and kids dinner tonight, so excited about that. Don't think she's ever made dinner here before. Got to the point we rarely had company because WW was embarrassed about the house not being clean. But she never cleaned it! Funny, considering that she cleans apartments for a living. Think she just checked out of even considering this her home a couple of years ago. Well, that's all changing now at least. My place is open door to all my friends and family. Can't wait til WW hears about me having backyard BBQs with friends and a bunch of neighbors this summer.

You should totally have a WW pinata at your summer bbq

Hurt, i'm very proud of how far you've come....you have received a lot of solid advice from people who have been through it.....

Now that you've taken the pics down rearrange the furniture to your liking.....

As for divorce papers money etc,.... My ex typed up the divorce degree and we had it notorized(no charge and i believe your bank has a notary) he only paid a filing fee, oh and to change my name back to my maiden name .....yelp the asshat had several affairs and had the nerve to put on the divorce degree the cause for divorce was irreconciliable differences...i regret not drawing a line through it with red ink NO Infidelity..

Take care you got this....

I don't know how to spell...i meant decree not degree...

Well, son of a bitch. WW just calls and tells me she has a flat tire. Normally, I would have loved to take this opportunity to wish her good luck in getting that figured out, but of course she has 3 our of our kids out on a bowling trip, who are now all stranded at a gas station. Now I get to rescue them. Talk about bad timing. Why couldn't that have happened an hour earlier?

Take care of business, brother. Get it changed and get out of there. Don't acknowledge anything outside of the tire and asking the kids how much fun their having.

You got this!

Thanks Army. Out and back, less than an hour. Barely acknowledged WW other than asking about tire. Just like you said, talked to kids and hope they have fun. But damn it, I really didn't wanna see her again. What are the fucking odds that she picks this time of her life to lose a bunch of weight, get tan and actually learn how to apply makeup. She looked fucking great. Man, I really wish I had some cutie, even a friend, just to go flaunt around her. It really sucks.

[This message edited by HurtnAlone at 2:17 PM, May 7th (Thursday)]

Brother, don't let her get to you. Of course she looks good now! Its to show you what YOU'RE missing. Its to make herself feel good. It sucks man, I know. I KNOW. Don't let this affect you. Its part of the game. She's got a show to put on for you and OM. But don't you worry, that show will get old. I can't tell you when, but it will.

Sooner or later, just like in M, you stop trying to be the 'perfect' partner in a relationship. You fart in bed, you leave the cap off the toothpaste and someone ALWAYS talks during the movie!!! This is nothing more than her trying to keep the illusion of perfection going for you and OM.

ITS A GAME! DON'T PLAY IT!

Since you hit 50 messages, I PM'd you.

You should totally have a WW pinata at your summer bbq

Interesting idea. It should be filled with skittles.

Hurt, Army, I'm one year D and my XW still "glams" it up on the wrong occasions where I'm nearby. Kids sporting events, boyscout meets, after school activities, you name it. I've never once complimented her since the separation but I know she's fishing for them kibbles not just from me but anyone really. If you do end up D and are further along like me it's part of their marital rewrite that continues.

Well, as I figured, the whole flat tire meeting with the WW sort of set me back a few days. Been sitting here browsing her FB page and going through phone logs, which I hadn't done in like a week. This whole experience sucks! No more face to face meetings for me for a few weeks, I don't care how bad the emergency. Feel like I'm back to just a couple of weeks after DDay. Prob get the damn mind movies again tonight.

Also, does anyone notice how your friends and family are so supportive whey they hear the news, but after a couple of weeks, they just sort of expect that you've moved on and want to talk about anything BUT your situation? Umm, no, I haven't moved on yet. A nuclear bomb just dropped on my life and I'm very slowly picking up the pieces. I guess it's impossible to understand if you haven't been there.

[This message edited by HurtnAlone at 10:15 PM, May 7th (Thursday)]

Yeah, it feels that way but just understand that they have lives of their own and daily situations to deal with like any other. Also, if they haven't been touched directly by infidelity their empathy can miss it's mark. Just don't be afraid to ask for help and when you do be specific about what you need. Do you have family nearby that can get the kids when she has another "flat tire" situation again?

My step father was married before. He was a BS and I never knew until my Dday occured. Because he's been there he knew exactly what I was going through and was a tremendous source of support. If there is a local divorce support group then odds are half of them if not more have been divorced due to infidelity.

Thanks JDuff. I do understand that people have their own lives, and I try to have regular conversations. Everyone I know has already heard my story and been very supportive. I guess they just don't understand the depth of the pain and how long it stays with you. I still need to talk about it. So thankful for this site and a couple of members in particular. FormerArmyGuy has been awesome!

I don't have a lot of family in the immediate area for "flat tire" emergencies, but I'm sure WW must have friends she can call, or at least the OM. Honestly, if she hadn't been with my kids at the time, she would have had to figure out something else. I didn't want to leave them stranded for hours and miss out on what was supposed to be a fun time.

But seeing her really did put a damper on my whole night, and made it hard to enjoy my mother's company, who went out of her way to drive to my house and make dinner for us. I finally snapped out of my funk late last night and feeling OK this morning. But I won't make that mistake again unless it's a real emergency involving my kids. I need several weeks with no contact but text, and then hopefully can start to handle short face to face interactions.

I am a member of a support group for divorced men through my church but unfortunately, the attendance has been pretty dismal so far. Usually just me and the group leader. He's a nice guy but pretty busy so not someone I can reach out to during the week. But I'm still getting out pretty regular and making friends, finding things to do. I know it will get easier with time, it's just a matter of riding it out.

Just wanted point out another fake DV case is being claimed - http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=560559

Similar situation as yours. The wife started feeling ignored and wanted the house and kids back... it's in general right now.

Just a reminder about how crazy things get and why you should have a VAR on you at all times...

HA,

You ask how people get back to normal within few weeks. Well that is human being with the ability to accept the situation and move on with life.

It is just someone who has a family member or close friend that passed away. You hurt, you cry, you have these memories that you start to play it in your head (same as mind movies, but in different kind of pain), than day by day the bad feeling diminishes and you start accepting what is going on and some time later you start joking that you used to do this and that. It does not hart the same way it does now. That is a bless in the human being, and life goes on.

So it is all about time. One day, you will wake up and see yourself in a much better position. Open up and look around there much better women around that you deserve, and one day you may find someone that will make you feel special and happy again and that what you need to seek at the moment.

The thing I learned from this life is that, nobody can harm/damage you more that yourself. Just erase all this vindictive thoughts that you play from time to time (which is very normal everyone does), and leave her to herself. The worst thing she can have is herself, and there is nothing more crucial that can happen to her that what is she doing to herself.

Focus on yourself first, you need to be ok so that you can take care of your kids. Try to finalize the divorce as soon as possible so you can start your new life. Cut your losses and move on.

Freeme, that is some crazy shit. But yeah, I'm convinced. Placing order for a VAR today. Don't think my WW is to that point yet, but I haven't even filed so who knows how crazy it might get before this is over.

Thanks Rafi. You're right and I know time will make things better, but it's still very hard right now. I'm in a much better place than a few weeks ago, but the emotional roller coaster is still in full motion. Think if I can go a while and not actually have to see WW, then it will definitely get easier. And I really am hoping to eventually find another special someone that takes their commitment to a relationship seriously, and have it be better than I ever thought possible. Hope the same for every member on the site. Nobody deserves to have to go through this.

Just had a 45 minute conversation with WW on phone. Was trying to stick to text but she said she had some stuff we had to talk about. Well, got a lot of shit off my chest. She tried pulling the pity party and saying it wasn't easy for her either, how she cried 4 hours yesterday and felt like a failure. How she was thinking about suicide.

Told her that I didn't choose any of this, and was giving her what she wanted. That she made her choice, nobody else got a say, and that there were consequences. I didn't think it was fair that she never even gave us a fair shot to try and repair the relationship before she bailed out. Of course in her mind, she had mentioned D before on several occasions and that should have been my wake-up call. She agrees she handled things "badly" but still doing a lot of blame shifting to me, and doesn't want to take responsibility for why our 18-year-old is depressed and failing school, or why our 8-year-old cries before bed sometimes because he misses mom.

Then she seemed totally shocked when I said I was changing locks. Well, I like to have access to my kids. I said you can have one of them let you in if they are here. Also told her she needed to move her stuff out within the month. It was all quite a wake-up call, because at one point in my own "fog" I had told her she always had a home here. I know, it was totally stupid of me, but I was desperately clinging to hope at the time.

I even threw a life line out saying this was never what I wanted and still don't want, but you made your choice and I need to move on. She didn't bite at all, just agreed. So I'm done with it. No more sliver of hope about somewhere down the road. She's had every opportunity to try and save the M but seems committed to this path of destruction. Told her I'm going ahead with D papers later this month. Maybe now I can truly start to move on. I'll always love who she WAS, but can't tolerate who she has become.