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To be fair the plans to meet were mostly initiated by him. They were supposed to meet at a hotel on December 30th but she backed out and spent the night with me (we went out to her dinner, her idea) She told him she couldn't wait for them to have sex, but then makes no plans for it and says she doesn't know if she can do it while still married to me.

That means douche was possibly future faking her and she was eating it up and planning on divorcing you.

I

have read all the texts last night and from the looks of it, it has not been physical but they have sexted and sent nude photos. She doesn't talk badly or anything bad about me. He seems to be the initiator in most of these conversations, she has also tried to end their relationship twice.

My concern about the sex is that sending nude pics usually happens AFTER they've already started having sex. They're sent as something to hold the guy over until the next hookup.

They may have had a break up, which is why she's said she's going to stop talking to this guy. Was there anything in the emails/text that points to that?

from the looks of it, it has not been physical

What is your gut telling you right now? Not the heart. Your heart desperately wants to believe this statement. You need to lock the heart away for now. Your heart was built for peace. The gut was built for war. Does your gut believe they haven't been physical? Really listen to it. It will tell you the truth.

I think they have had sex, I don't know how I will come back from that. I desperately don't want to believe it. I think tonight I'm going to confront her and just pour my heart out and admitted I have read the texts. Does anyone know what I should do or say? Should I do it in a cold way or a sad emotional way.

I know I desperately don't want to lose her, I do love her and I feel as if she still loves me. But I am still going to have her served no matter what. This is so exhausting.

I am initiating the divorce because it will put the ball in my court, if she won't cut contact with him I will simply move forward with it and not look back. The only reason I am holding out just a little bit is because I do think she is very much in a fantasy land

This is a good start. It is. Based on what you know.

Here is something VERY common to all of these shitty situations we find ourselves in. After discovery, the information always changes and usually for the worse.

When my wife finally admitted her affair - the first confession was feelings, no sex. The confession was amended to a one night stand. It changed to a four month story. In the end? A four year full on physical affair with two more years of her wishing it didn't end.

Just saying.

Good start, but best buckle up for tougher revelations.

Adding my two cents. My wife had an affair with coworker. Denied it when I suspected. Would have never told me if not had been for the om's wife discovering txts. Up to that point wife doubled downed and gaslighted with the lies "om would be mortified if f he knew thissux thought we were having an affair".

Good for you for entering the anger phase. It will serve you well.

I wish I had read the txts but didn't insist the om's wife show me. Still haunts me to this day what was actually said.

My wife worked with om for another 8 mos after dday. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. I literally went insane with anger.

Things I eventually did right: told her to quit or I'm filing for divorce. Told the company president and lawyer about the affair. Told my wife's parents. Told my mom. Told my boss who was very supportive. Ww didn't show remorse until her affair cost her something. In the end, it cost her a job and her reputation at work and with her family.

Don't hesitate to tell her family. Get legal advice before outing her at work but do so after having your legal plan.

Sorry you're here. We all understand the agony.

I know I desperately don't want to lose her, I do love her and I feel as if she still loves me. But I am still going to have her served no matter what. This is so exhausting.

It is exhausting.

Seven months after learning my reality, I still have nights without sleep. Not as often, but it happens.

It took me a while to understand -- but as good, wise folks have mentioned, you have to be willing to lose the marriage to save it.

Detach. Get your lawyer. Tell people. Get her out of the fog.

By working on you and getting your feet under you, you will not show that 'pick me' vibe which is understandably your first instinct.

Then you can start to decide what is best.

Good chance to salvage things in my mind because you have caught it early on.

I'm still working on my marriage, but it took a while to see if this was worth saving at my place.

I made my wife take a polygraph because I didn't believe her ONS story. That forced out a new story about a 2 year affair I would have never known about.

So see the trend? Your gut says there is more and there is.

think tonight I'm going to confront her and just pour my heart out and admitted I have read the texts. Does anyone know what I should do or say? Should I do it in a cold way or a sad emotional way.

Do not pour your heart out. This is how you do it.

BS - I know you have been unfaithful to me. I am willing to try and save this marriage however there is a lot of work to do before I am willing to even try. Do you want to try?

WW - yes, blah blah blah you didn't give me attention blah blah blah

BS - Tell me everything and start at the beginning of our marriage. I already know enough to know you've been unfaithful. Its time to let it all out.

WW - you know what?!! You don't believe me?!? blah blah blah you didn't give me attention blah blah blah I have needs blah blah blah I thought you were cheating blah blah blah im telling the truth blah blah blah

BS - I have found out many things on my own. I'm not going to tell you what they are. If I tell you what I know that's all you will admit to. Tell me everything or there is zero chance I will TRY and stay

She will likely give you some version of the truth. Maybe all. Maybe some. NEVER REVEAL YOUR SOURCES. At most you can give her a small snippet of what you know. Something she hasn't told you just to prove you know more, but the objective here is to make her think you know everything. Whatever she tells you commit to nothing afterward just tell her you need some time to process this. Come back here and we'll help if you like.

Also, when she starts laying it out there keep your mouth shut. Do not interrupt. Youre going to want to get mad, yell, or say "how could you". Don't do that. Just sit there calmly. Nod your head. Ask her to go on during brief pauses. If she takes a long pause just say "I know this is hard, but if you want to save the marriage we need to get this out. I can handle the truth. I cant handle any more lies". If you get mad, interrupt, or make her feel like you can't handle it then you'll lose your chance at the full truth.

Or screw the head games and just polygraph

[This message edited by Chance819 at 5:05 PM, January 11th (Wednesday)]

If you're going to talk with her tonight and really have the need to spill your heart to her, you need to do it in a strategic way.

Do not tell her how you know or came up with any information. Just tell her you know much more than she has told you by your efforts over the last few days to uncover the truth. Tell her you want the M to work, but what you have found just might be a deal breaker for you. The only way you might give her the gift of R is if she starts telling the truth NOW!! Tell her if you don't get the truth its time to go to OM's house. Then, read what I wrote on page 1 or 2 about packing her shit in trash bags and taking her to OM's house. Take control, but do not yell, scream or cry. Be demanding and assertive.

She has to be put on the spot to make a decision, you or OM.

Don't be a sad sack, and don;t be the ice man.

Be like a reporter, just laying out the facts and doing an interview.

Break down and cry later out of her sight.

I think tonight I'm going to confront her and just pour my heart out and admitted I have read the texts. Does anyone know what I should do or say? Should I do it in a cold way or a sad emotional way.

There is no reason to pour your heart out to her, she already knows she has hurt you greatly, or at least she should know. So what is the point of pouring your heart out.

If it were me, I would ask her what her plans are...meaning with her love of the OM and what she plans on doing?

Ask quick simple questions and then listen.

Print out a couple of those texts and hand them to her, let it hit her that you know. WAIT, scratch that...maybe hint you know she couldnt wait to have sex with him and see what she says.

Listen and listen between the words.

If you continue on this path with pouring out your feelings, my guess is that you will not ever have her served.

Having her served serves on purpose at this state, the shock factor, since at this point, I really do not think she has a clue that she has done anything wrong. She thinks this will just go away all the while she pines for this OM.

You only need to find out her plans and why she is staying with you anyway, especially after writing she couldnt wait to have sex with this OM to cement their love.

She doesnt need to know your plans, but it seems you need to know her plans. This cannot be rug swept.

[This message edited by craig2001 at 5:08 PM, January 11th (Wednesday)]

Does anyone know what I should do or say?

If I were you - I wouldn't tell her right away that you've read the texts.

Ask a question you already know the answer to based on that information. If she lies - call her on it.

The main thing - anger will be a part of this no matter how you go in - be careful with the temper. A domestic police call will shift all the power moving forward to her.

Calm. Get your info. Tell her you plan on explaining why you have to file divorce papers and that her family will know, her workplace, etc.

Bigger already said it - she is in fantasy land, pop that bubble. A little reality could make things clear.

ManualGTR,

To help your wife understand that she has had an affair, even if it wasn't physical, and to also help her understand what you're going through, there is a book that is often recommended:

"Not Just Friends", by Shirley Glass. It deals specifically with the slippery slope of how the internet, texting, and workplace environments lead otherwise good people to find themselves in the midst of an affair, when all they wanted in the beginning was a purely platonic relationship.

https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1484176368&sr=8-1&keywords=not+just+friends

Unless you inform her parents immediately and get them on board you can pretty much give up.

Like others have said up until this point her cheating has cost her nothing . Simply shoving divorce papers in her face may just convince her she was right about the OM loving her most.

Exposure busts affairs.

That has to be done first.

You're not acting with a plan, you acting emotionally.

Make her know now there will be no friendship or contact after a divorce. You have to make this real for her.

[This message edited by Chappie at 5:18 PM, January 11th (Wednesday)]

Manualgtr,

Do NOT reveal the source of your information.

You say you're going to pour your heart out. That would imply that she cares how you feel, she doesn't. If she did you wouldn't be here.

Take the advice above and ask her questions you already know the answer to, to see how much she will lie, and she will, almost guaranteed. Start with the least bothersome things and work your way up to the more serious stuff.

Have her served before you do anything. She's still playing a game - by establishing consequences she will need to make some decisions.

Right now she's just going me to tell you what you want to hear

Do not tell her you have read texts. They are now communicating in another way. You may need they channel again

Why do you feel they have had sex? If the text information does not support it, she has admitted nothing then why is your gut screaming? Is there a day or time in particular?

Don't tell her you looked at the texts. She doesn't deserve to know it.

Some people are fucked up with their ideas about romantic "love." Men can be really screwed up. Women too, but the sexes are different. I grew up in a big family, had two sisters, pretty close, bedroom was next to mine. I am about 50, over the years I've seen that some of the shit they've come out with them and their friends, it's the same crap I heard them talk about when they were 12. Happily ever after, Prince Charming, destiny, soulmates. I don't know about you, but as I grew up, I looked around at older people, my parents, parents of my friends, uncles and aunts and in-laws, and I never met Prince Charming. Those long-term marriages were happy enough, contented, satisfied, indifferent, too-lazy-to-change - all kinds of marriages - but "happily ever after," "madly and passionately in love" - not a single one.

One of my friends a few years back tells me, "I'm divorcing, I haven't been happy for years." I told him "what the hell does 'happy' have to do with it? I know your parents, they married 30-something years, I'm pretty sure they weren't 'happy.' My parents weren't 'happy.' They loved each other, but not 'happy' like you think 'happy.' What's up, you been cheating?" And sure enough, that's what it was. He refused to give up the other woman, his wife divorced him, and the other woman left very shortly after she got him full-time - who knew? She only liked being taken on dates and told how hot she was, she didn't want to deal with all his shit.

So your wife? I think she doesn't have a clue. I think she has some childish fantasy-type ideas about real life. Dude, she's in love with another guy. She's been with you 14 frigging years, she met this other jackass a few months ago. And somehow she can't choose between you and him? Are you kidding me? Fuck her. Let her go be mommy to that jerk and his two little offspring. See how that works out for her.

And you? You've been enabling her. Waiting for her to choose. Again, are you kidding me? You are a successful young guy, do you know the value of a guy like you on the dating scene? Loyal? Able to commit? Reliable, successful, NORMAL? Women your age can't find guys like that too easy.

When I found out, I confronted my wife as soon as the kids were in bed, and I told her if she is so "in love" with other man, she should be with him, as a matter of fact, let's start packing, I'll help, I'll give him a call, he wins, and I'll be sending you over to him shortly. I was so damn angry. I hope you finally found your anger.

When you confront her, tell her that she has complete control of herself, and you don't want to control her. But you can control yourself, too, and you don't want to be in a 3-way relationship. It is unacceptable to you. You would be willing to work on the marriage in good faith, if she did, but in no way if there is a third person in the marriage. UNACCEPTABLE. You will work on the marriage if she drops the other man and gives you evidence that she has ended it, otherwise you are moving forward. You will not tell her what you plan to do, but it might include divorce, and you will do whatever you want to do when you are ready to do it. You make no promise that you will be willing to work on the marriage in the future. Your feelings are changing up and down every day, and you might decide you don't want to bother if she pushes you further.

Tell her you don't care if she calls it an "affair" or a "friendship" or a "flirtation" or whatever the hell she wants to call it, it is UNACCEPTABLE.

Do not give any ultimatums, let her know you are moving on, then distance yourself from her, detach, be polite, but do not talk with her of your relationship, the future, nothing but mundane chores, finances, or small talk, nice weather, isn't it. Be as happy as you can. If you can't detach, if you can't stay with her unless you are angry or sad, then stay out of the house more, come in late, go to bed, then go to work. If she wants to talk with you about the relationship, ask her if she did what you asked - drop him and give you evidence. If no, then tell her, "I have nothing to say. I refuse to be in a marriage with three people."

If you file and get her served, great. It takes a while to go through that process, and you can take her back if you decide. If you can't force yourself to file, fine, just get distant and detach. You will file when you are ready.

Even if she agrees to ending the affair, but she works with him, so that is really problematic. But you can cross that bridge if you ever arrive at that situation.

If you can, try getting a VAR and secretly record this conversation or download an app to your phone that will record it for you. She may pour everything out and it will be hard to remember the details so running it back later on the recording will help you remember. I would bring a notepad and pen to write down the facts (or lies) as she speaks. She sees you writing it all down she will know it will be harder to backtrack if the story doesn't make sense.

I remember a story of a Dallas detective who could get the most out of an interrogation by keeping a straight face during questioning and not react to what the suspects say. The suspects would change their story along the way if they can read your facial expressions and body language, knowing which lie works and which doesn't. Having a blank expression puts a lot of pressure to tell the truth. I wouldn't mentioning having read the texts. Just ask questions using some of the info you know from the texts, like "You were planning to meet the OM to have sex. Tell me when and where these meetings were going to happen..." if she freaks and asks how you know about this just refocus her back to the questioning "you said you are willing to tell me the truth, right? You wanted to stay in the marriage? If so, then I need to know the truth.

I think tonight I'm going to confront her and just pour my heart out and admitted I have read the texts. Does anyone know what I should do or say?

I would not tell her that I read the emails right away. I would tell her that I wanted to get a full understanding of her Affair and ask her some pointed questions. Have you said I love you? Has he? Have you met outside the office? Questions you already know the answer to first. This will give you an idea if she is going to tell you the truth about other questions like... have you had sex? If she is lying it will also give you an idea about how serious she is about repairing your marriage.

Let her do most of the talking. It shouldn't be you spilling your guts about how much you love her and want this marriage to work. Or about how much she has hurt you. It should be her confessing and telling you what she will do to repair the marriage...NC is not enough now.

What is she willing to do so that you can trust her again?

Good luck

Says Freeme:

I would not tell her that I read the emails right away. I would tell her that I wanted to get a full understanding of her Affair and ask her some pointed questions. Have you said I love you? Has he? Have you met outside the office? Questions you already know the answer to first. This will give you an idea if she is going to tell you the truth about other questions like... have you had sex? If she is lying it will also give you an idea about how serious she is about repairing your marriage.

Let her do most of the talking. It shouldn't be you spilling your guts about how much you love her and want this marriage to work. Or about how much she has hurt you. It should be her confessing and telling you what she will do to repair the marriage...NC is not enough now.

What is she willing to do so that you can trust her again?

Good luck

I fully share it ... it is the best advice for tonight that you will face your wife. All the luck and let her talk, stay firm and safe, even if inside these destroyed. If she is sorry you will know this way and do not say anything about the messages you have, keep watch. greetings and luck