SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

She's little more than fresh meat for a mailroom clerk.

Sad.

Make sure you have full control of your money/assets. Make sure she can't move funds around. Run a credit report on her. See if she has credit cards/loans you don't know about. Try to find out how much money she is spending on her boy toy. How is she paying for hotels? That's half of yours, so she can be forced to pay it all back.

[This message edited by GuyInColorado at 2:13 PM, July 5th (Thursday)]

My concern for the video is for the family and children and parents.

Yes she made it. Yes she knew about it.

But it is a completely different story if it is publicly aired and thousands or millions of others can see it. I know the CS has to suffer the shame of it all, but the BS and children and other family members should not be dragged through all that.

I’m sorry it has come to this. I hope the video is never seen by anyone else.

Since you have already decided to divorce go full steam ahead now. You gave her a second chance. She doesn’t deserve a third.

It sounds like she feels bad about her actions. Use that to strike now and get the best deal you can. This sounds harsh but tell her you might be open to considering trying after the divorce. Maybe you will, but even if it is a false promise she made her own bed. Don’t get roped into MC and don’t make her quit the job.

You have leverage now. Use it

This is an aggressive act by OM. You do not know why he did it.

Error in the side of caution. The affair will blow up at some point and you do not want it directed at you or the kids.

As in the case with waitedtoolong:

Your wife's lover is angling for more than a piece of ass. Mail boy is looking for a jackpot.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 9:01 PM, July 5th (Thursday)]

it's a horrible story. I'm glad you're doing as well as can be expected Devestated12.

I do think that your WW needs to know that her boyfriend is sharing the video. I also think that you should tell her parents about it and that, though you are divorcing her, you are concerned for her well-being.

As much as you might hate her now, I think you will feel happier in the future with yourself if you treat her as humanely as possible. I would definitely divorce her if I were in your shoes. But I think at the end of the day you want to be able to look yourself in the mirror and be proud of your actions.

I know of a similar case that resulted in blackmail which eventually turned to the blackmailer being murdered. I also know of a couple of cases, right here at SI, that resulted in the WS committing suicide. Even though your hurt is immense, I'm pretty sure you don't want the tragedy to go that far.

As much as you rightfully hurt, my friend, you are now the only thinking, healthy, adult here. You need to do the right thing for all parties.

Hang in there friend. It will get better. You will be happy again. I know this.

But I think at the end of the day you want to be able to look yourself in the mirror and be proud of your action.

I disagree immensely. Do not allow posters to guilt you into anything regarding disclosing the video. You are entering a divorce proceeding and should follow the advice of legal counsel. You offered your wife reconciliation and she continued to cheat. You have done nothing that is dishonorable. Please take care of you and your children. She is responsible for her actions and consequences. Do not get mixed up with your wife's immoral actions or the despicable other man and his girlfriend. She is a big girl and can handle the ramifications of her cheating. She made the video. Videos get shown. She knew this. Expecting POSOM not to would be ludicrous on her part. Her actions are deluded and asinine.

I disagree immensely.

so?

I disagree with a lot of what you post. I'm not trying to guilt him into anything. I'm recommending he act with honor, with whatever that means to him. I think he will feel better with himself in the long run if he does. If you disagree with that, I'm good with that. Devestated12 can choose to follow your advice if he wants. It's up to him.

[This message edited by mike7 at 1:29 AM, July 6th (Friday)]

As a daughter of a cheating father, I agree completely with mike7’s post. Dev12 has every right to hate his spouse and hope for her demise and misery. After all, we all want justice. However, mike7 has shown enormous sense of wisdom in his post. The WS deserves her karma, but let us not forget there are kids involved. And if shame is brought upon family name, they will suffer despite being innocent bystanders in this whole mess. Let the WS suffer privately without washing dirty laundry in public for kids’ sake.

Mike7, I am thankful that people like you exist. Humanity survives and thrives because there are people like you among us.

Based on my experience, it is best to focus on your and your kids’ well-being.

[This message edited by neinbetruge at 3:41 AM, July 6th (Friday)]

Just for clarification, I agree that he should tell his wife about the video so that she can take steps to try to have it destroyed. Probably a slim chance of that though. Her AP is scum, but she also knew that going in.

My post about going for the jugular, is on how he handles the monetary issues, and and custody questions. Too often we see the WS after the BS doesn't want to reconcile, no matter how heinous the affair, go from feeling bad, to start blaming the BS for their actions. Get what you want before this happens.

Please take care of you and your children.

This is in each of my posts.

I am not telling him to act with dishonor or to harm his wife. It is sad she (WW) did these things to herself and family. Nobody wants the video disclosed. I am sure his primary focus is the welfare of his children.

From his posts it is clear she knew the video was being made and knew of the camera. From his last exchange with her he told her about disclosure by the OM of the continued affair. The OM probably told her what he did. He (BS) can tell her it was sent to him if he wishes if she is not clear about what the OM did. She is a fool if she thinks the OM would not use it for his selfish reasons. The WW needs to be dealing with the video. His WW needs to intercede with the OM regarding the video. She is the one with legal standing and she is the one that will have to pursue legal action against the OM. The BS cannot seek a legal remedy for her unless he is her guardian. She interacts with the other man. It is her workplace. She needs to have her attorney or the authorities inform OM of the repercussions of distributing the video. She needs to be informing the other man about disclosure and the legal ramifications. Will she do it is the question. She seems to be focused on her needs and the other man. The OM likely will use the video anyway he can for personal gain including blackmail either directly or nuanced.

He is entering a legal proceeding for divorce. He is clearly the only individual looking after his children. The betrayed spouse's focus should be on healing himself and the welfare of his children. My point is that he needs to follow his attorney's advice. He has to follow the filings and orders regarding the divorce and separation.

The less involved he is with his WW, OM, and OM's girlfriend the better from a moral, legal, and safety standpoint. They will likely use everything they can to hurt him and in so doing his family. He needs to be above them and act accordingly. His kids need him. They (WW, OM, and OM's girlfriend) may harm him especially if given the opportunity. They act in a fashion that is despicable. They are dangerous as demonstrated by their actions.

[This message edited by Ripped62 at 8:03 AM, July 6th (Friday)]

I agree with waitedtoolong. Waywards can turn on a dime once reality sets in.

I am likely getting to specific. Senate bill 642 dealing with unlawful dissemination of an intimate image in the first and second degrees for New York may not have been enacted as law to my knowledge. I wish it had. I do not know the current status. From memory the Senate passed it in March. This is why I suggested he follow the advice of his attorney. Without this law there is no criminal recourse in New York for sharing explicit images unless he lives in NYC. There it is a simple misdemeanor which is not much of a deterrent IMHO.

Devastated12 does not have much if any recourse against the OM regarding explicit videos and pictures. His wife does. His WW is the one that must pursue securing and ending distribution of the video(s) and explicit pictures.

I feel the OM knows the law and what he is doing. I do not feel he is a love struck OM seeking his soulmate. (I hate this term.) He is after financial gain. His releasing the explicit video is likely just part of the abuse the OM will or has engaged in. Again this is why I suggested and still suggest he (the betrayed spouse) follow legal advice. He must protect himself and the safety of his family.

His wife must deal with the video(s) and explicit pictures. It may require civil action by her against the OM to prevent dissemination of the video and who knows if she is willing to do this or if it will be successful. If she has them she should protect them via copy right to prevent distribution. She has created such a mess. She cannot be trusted at this point. She has way to much at risk in her relationship with the OM. She has put the well being of her family, spouse, and herself in jeopardy for deluded and irrational reasons with someone that is of deplorable character.

In all cases of infidelity... humility, compassion, and empathy are vital. More of these emotions and corresponding actions is of great benefit as we strive to get out of the soul wrenching crisis. Unfortunately, as Waitedtoolong and MNR pointed out, she may turn on a dime once reality sets in. As a BS divorcing he needs to prepare for this scenario.

[This message edited by Ripped62 at 10:34 AM, July 6th (Friday)]

If it ends up on a porn site, that’s 100% her problem to deal with.

Yes. True. You will be divorced and live separate lives.

But she will still be your children’s mother.

And your son will go through the rest of his school-years being teased and bullied that his mom is on amateurmiflsgettingit.com

Your daughter will go through the rest of her school-years with teenage-guys jerking off to the video of her mom imagining if her body was like her mom’s.

For YOUR CHILDRENS SAKE that I make the following recommendation:

Consult your divorce-attorney on whether he can do this or if (due to conflict of interest) another attorney should do this. Have the attorney confirm the steps:

Your WIFE notifies HR of the affair and that OM has videos that he is distributing online without her consent.

The attorney sends OM a letter warning him of the legal consequences of any distribution of the videos. That he will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law if he does not confirm that the videos have not been distributed further than the one he sent you, and that they have been deleted.

Do the above in a traceable way. It’s done irrespective of if you divorce or reconcile because you are doing this for your CHILDREN.

Ps: This is revenge-porn and that is forbidden by law in NY.

I'm surprised there aren't a lot more BS in prison with murder charges. How tempting to figure out a way to get rid of this dick face OM. Easier to take out rage on him than your children's mother. Jeesh. What a mess.

Stay off booze. Visit with good friends daily and take advice from people who are smart and are thinking clear, and preferably have a law degree. You got this!

[This message edited by GuyInColorado at 12:53 PM, July 6th (Friday)]

I am so sorry this happened to you. Wanted to offer some advice about STD testing which you should absolutely have your wife do and test yourself also. Make sure you get the HSV test which is not part of the standard STD panel. Doctors will not screen you for it unless you specifically ask for it. Part of the reason is because most of the population tests positive for HSV1 (oral and genital H). HSV2 is genital only and 1 in 5 people have it, most of them don't know they have it or are asymptomatic. The best time to test is three months after exposure.

I am so sorry this happened to you. Wanted to offer some advice about STD testing which you should absolutely have your wife do and test yourself also. Make sure you get the HSV test which is not part of the standard STD panel. Doctors will not screen you for it unless you specifically ask for it. Part of the reason is because most of the population tests positive for HSV1 (oral and genital H). HSV2 is genital only and 1 in 5 people have it, most of them don't know they have it or are asymptomatic. The best time to test is three months after exposure.

The laws have not really been tested in this area yet.

However, I would expect a family court judge to have reservations about having a much younger man who does not have kids, who sends that video to the husband to have reservations about having the kids with OM.

File and ask for full custody. Get a background check done on OM.

How are you? Let's us know how things are doing. Hoping for the best.

Best,

Bigheart