SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Is anyone telling you to stay married or to reconcile?
Posts here can roughly be divided into two groups: Those that say your wife deserves whatever she gets and those that say focus on your own personal healing. Don’t really see any posts where that healing is dependent on you remaining in a marriage you don’t want to be in.

Hi Aces and welcome to SI.

By the way, the majority of men who posted on your thread never left their own cheating wives. If you're looking for advice on how to leave an abuser, the LAST person you should ask is an abuse victim who is STILL WITH THEIR ABUSER. Which brings us to the next point:

For the record: I left my infidelity-relationship and never looked back. However – I didn’t spend the next decade or so on hating my ex. I simply moved on.

Routinely, threads pop up here that discuss whether adultery is abuse, and posters almost always agree that it is. And yet, hundreds of those same people recommend to victims of adultery-abuse to stay in their relationships ("wait-and-see, give it some time, don't make any hasty decisions", etc).

If a woman complained that her husband was beating her, she would be firmly told to get the hell out of the house, get to safety. DIVORCE THE ABUSIVE BASTARD. But if that same woman states that her husband is committing adultery (with all the accompanying abuse: emotional, psychological, financial, and yes, physical - think STD's), she is told to hang in there, do the 180, go to counselling, not make any rash decisions she can't take back, etc.

This. This is something I've been thinking about for several months. You've been able to articulate what I haven't quite been able to do.

Abuse is abuse. We can not compare,because then we minimize someone's pain. Just like we shouldn't compare affairs. Doing so,minimizes someone's pain.

Every day we encourage people to stay with their abuser, if the abuser is sorry. And,when NC is broken, they're told it's normal, and to be expected. Imagine telling a victim of physical abuse that it's ok if they hit you again. These slips are to be expected. They're sorry,make sure they go to IC. This can still work out.

I don't agree with everything you said..but this is spot on.

[This message edited by HellFire at 10:06 PM, Friday, March 25th]

Yeah taking advice from those still with their adulterers is strange. They weren't strong enough to leave so their advice usually isn't something for people looking to get out of infidelity.

[This message edited by Nothere759 at 11:59 PM, Friday, March 25th]

Well since you find so many of us weak,perhaps the divorce forum would suit you better?

Keptmyword

I don't want to be friends with her. I just want to co parent and keep contact to a minimum. Then when the kids are grown never see her again.

She's evil, there's no other word to describe her. How she or anyone could do this to someone, especially given what happened with my mom cheating on my dad is just evil. She's not "broken" just bad.

Nothere759, I understand completely.

My perspective of all this is similar to yours.

Prior to D-day, I thought I was a very fortunate man in a marriage and family that was far better than the average.

I would have died for my family, including my then "wife".

That statement gives me chills now, knowing she betrayed us and destroyed our family for the dopamine hit from new-male-attention.

In other words, for absolutely nothing.

She knows it, she knows I know it, and she hates me for that.

I knew divorcing her was a certainty the instant I found out.

Her treatment of me and her willfully ignoring the trauma she put our two young kids through made it a certainty that I wanted nothing to do with her after the divorce.

I’m more than 10 years since D-day and 9 years divorced.

She has not changed - at all.

Had I attempted to reconcile, it simply would have been more time on the Jerry Springer stage that she put me and my kids on.

Similar to you, upon my youngest turning 18, the monthly play-money called "child-support" ends, and I delete her from my life in every possible way.

I am glad to see you stick to your values and moral compass - because it’s precisely times like this that they are needed.

For what it’s worth, when I came here 10 years ago, not a single person insisted, nor even suggested that I should reconcile.

There are some here that may be more inclined to suggest "trying" to reconcile but there are just as many that will suggest divorcing her ass yesterday.

Take advice as you like and ignore any you don’t like.

Either way, it’s good to exchange with people who have been in your shoes and, like anything else, there will be different perspectives, experiences, and opinions.

I understand. I'm also sorry if I offended anyone I might seem cold on here but I'm really just a mess.

Posting as a Member*

As Bigger pointed out no one has advised or recommended that the OP stay married or discouraged from pursuing a D. He has received nothing but support.

I think the OP does need some deeper help and understanding. As I pointed out earlier in this thread, the OP comes across as a giant ingrate going out of his way to demean other BS. It is worth remembering that everyone posting here is a BS. We have all been betrayed and all have been devastated. None of us deserve to be demeaned for our personal choices dealing with infidelity, especially when we come here to give our time to support newly betrayed BS.

But the OP is still fresh from his WW’s betrayal. He is obviously in pain. He is feeling very humiliated and emasculated, and he is grasping at anyway possible to make himself feel superior and less inferior, and so he demeans other BS posting support. Of course this really can not solve his feelings of inferiority. He needs our understanding and patience despite his demeaning attitude toward other BS. Hopefully he will get the counseling to help him resolve his feelings of emasculation and inferiority without attacking others. I wish him well.

[This message edited by fareast at 7:11 PM, March 25th (Friday)]

[This message edited by SI Staff at 1:11 AM, Saturday, March 26th]

I don't really feel emasculated or inferior. I just feel sad that my wife didn't really exist and I'm angry I was basically tricked into marriage with a monster who wasted half of my life.

Since what she did has nothing to do with me I can't help but feel like I really did waste my life. This was always going to happen and I just wish I could've seen it before it did.

Sometimes I think i would have preferred if she just never told me. I don't know. All I think about is this and I wish I didn't. Maybe I subconsciously wish I could take her back. I don't know.

I just want it to be over and I do hope my kids don't completely get rid of her like I did my mother. I don't regret what I did but maybe I'm trying to vicariously see it through their eyes and project myself as what could have been if I didn't not talk to my mom again.

I don't know. Too much to think about but it's all I think about

Hang in there. You will get through this. Keep moving forward. Be there for your kids.

I have no magic elixir to remove the pain. I wish I did. I would have used it myself. I wanted someone to just go into my brain and remove all the trauma and pain. Ultimately, I decided that she wasn't close to being worth the pain and suffering I was experiencing. She was the malignancy in my life. Her removal was liberating. When the divorce is final and the two of you no longer live under the same roof, you will then begin to really heal. Unfortunately, there is no shortcut. I looked.

Please reconsider going to a therapist that can help you. It's not an elixir but it can lessen the pain. You get no points for bare-knuckling it.

Ok so just great. Was going to talk to my kids tonight about everything. Their mom, counciling etc. Though I got a call from my mother in law hours ago asking how my wife is doing over here. I asked what do you mean? Then she says she was going to go see me. Well she wasn't here so I'm concerned I start calling her and texting her and I'm thinking the worst like she went to kill herself then I remember she turned on location sharing on her Google account and I see she at a restaurant 10 or whatever miles away from her moms house so I go down there and I go in and I see her with this idiot and I just leave I'm so done I can't believe it couldn't the first time now I can't guess she realized I didn't want her worthless whore ass in my life anymore so she went with him I'm taking the kids and as much as I can in the divorcei just can't hope she enjoys her new shit life without the kids or me

Did she notice you there?

This may very well be the worst shit you've experienced in your life, but it does not define you, and neither does it presuppose that you cannot rise above it.

In lieu of your last post, I’m getting suspicious that this is her version of an exit affair. She is continuing the affair in plain sight, in hopes of you responding exactly like you are responding.

Let’s consider a few things. She confessed. Without provocation, without you being a detective. Why? It could be guilt, but she knew your level of antipathy towards your mother. You told her many, many times. She knew exactly how you’d react in this situation. Next, you two have some therapy, she makes a token gesture like turning location on on her phone. Then her mom calls. And she’s located. Inexplicably out on a date with the guy she’s committing adultery with. Almost as if.. work with me here… she wanted you to see it, and speed up the divorce. I think she’s either incredibly stupid, or she engineered this exactly like it played out.

Do you feel played yet?

I used to get all caught up in moral outrage and empathy for a victim of adultery. However, just banging the table and saying, yah! Divorce her NOW, that’s just not helping you right now. I see that as the likely outcome, but don’t do it just because she wants out. Never make life easy or convenient for a cheater. Did she see you at the restaurant? Did you confront her? What was her expression and demeanor like? If she wasn’t scared, that means she was expecting you. Why would that be?

He is feeling very humiliated and emasculated, and he is grasping at anyway possible to make himself feel superior and less inferior…

fareast,

Why would you assume he feels this way?

I did not feel humiliated, emasculated, or inferior, at all, when I discovered my XWW’s betrayal - and no BS should.

I did not do anything whatsoever to feel humiliated - but my XWW certainly humiliated herself and likely feels humiliation to this day.

My XWW did not, in any way, define or validate my sense of masculinity - only I can do that.

Anyone who believes that a spouse defines whatever masculinity you have or don’t have, needs some counseling and self-esteem.

Why the hell would any spouse feel inferior to someone who has so little self-respect as to lie and deceive their family because they are in dire need of some cheap, external validation?

I was certainly shocked, sad, angry, hurt, and confused.

But no betrayed spouse has any reason at all to feel humiliation, emasculation, or feel inferior in any way.

Those are all characteristics of the wayward spouse.

My XWW’s gross behavior and decisions did not change a thing about me - except my marital status when I divorced her.

Sounds like the OP feels the same.

t/j over.

[This message edited by keptmyword at 7:26 AM, Saturday, March 26th]

Since what she did has nothing to do with me I can't help but feel like I really did waste my life. This was always going to happen and I just wish I could've seen it before it did.

Sometimes I think i would have preferred if she just never told me. I don't know. All I think about is this and I wish I didn't. Maybe I subconsciously wish I could take her back. I don't know.

This is why I said earlier that it helps to develop a more nuanced understanding of cheaters than just "cheating whores who revel in inflicting misery." Why did you marry a cheating whore who reveled in your pain?

The answer is obviously that you didn't. You married someone with personality defects that allowed them to turn into someone they were not when you married them. All the ingredients were probably there. They were just under control. You may have even sensed them but believed like most of us that she would never let them get out of control. Because she said that she loved you and she took a vow.

I won't delve any deeper into that right now because someone will claim that I'm trying to talk you into R. I'm not. Divorce her. You won't forgive yourself for doing anything else at this point.

But you need to address your pain with more than epithets for your wife. You don't want to spend the rest of your life seething with hate. I get not finding therapy helpful. There are a lot of therapists out there who see it as their job to get you to accept things that you shouldn't have to accept. I think if you can find a therapist who treats infidelity as trauma you may have better luck.

Maybe you would find the book, "Cheating in a Nutshell" helpful in developing some perspective. I haven't read the whole thing but I don't think anyone would argue that it's a Pro-R book

[This message edited by Seeking2Forgive at 7:30 AM, Saturday, March 26th]

I wouldnt bring it up with her that you know where she was if you can help it. I think she gets what she wants if you act like you care because you have made up your mind to leave her. Does she know that you can track her location? If she does, then maybe she was partly wanting to get a rise out of you? I wouldnt play this game.

edit : I left my original and see that you said that she turned on her google locater, so i guess she is well aware that you can see her location. sounds like she is going to weaponize this now. have her turn it off and turn yours off if you have it. see if she likes that.

[This message edited by TheDarkestTime at 7:48 AM, Saturday, March 26th]

Years ago there was a poster here, Swat70, who’s WW went out to a bar with her AP after D-Day.

And another poster, Waitedwaytoolong, who’s WW went out to lunch or coffee with her AP, after D-Day.

Both of these guys divorced and have moved on with their lives.

Seems like you are headed in the same direction. I hope you get some peace soon.

Deleted (duplicate post)

[This message edited by ramius at 2:56 AM, March 26th (Saturday)]

Well then this was not any Ons then if she is sneaking around and meeting him. She may spin it as a final goodbye or she may have done this to prove that you and her are done. Let your in-laws know. Let her know that you saw her. Then as Bigger says make a cup of coffee and go on with your life. Leave the talk to lawyers. Let any talk between you be only about kids. Find an IC for yourself and focus on making you your priority.