SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Don't pay any attention to the emails she is sharing between her lover and you. Most likely after she dumped you for him, he dumped her!!! So she is trying to beg her way back.

Get away from her, don't listen to her, don't read or fall for her emails!! Go ahead and move out. Visit your family and enjoy your freedom. You will find a woman that is totally delighted to be your mate in the future.

Get away from her, don't listen to her, don't read or fall for her emails!! Go ahead and move out. Visit your family and enjoy your freedom. You will find a woman that is totally delighted to be your mate in the future.

Oh, I'm gonna!

I do have a slight fear that the pain of the breakup still hasn't "hit" yet. I wasn't stunned by the discovery of the second round of cheating per se, but it did sort of emotionally detach me from what's happening. I'm frankly surprised that all these professions of love aren't affecting me much, especially when I was putty in her hands for so long. So I'm afraid that I'm not really processing the loss yet. If I'm in for another wave of pain, I hope it happens next week while I'm out of town visiting family and friends. Best to be far away from her and surrounded by people who will remind me of what's true. (I'll post here too, if that happens. Keep me accountable.)

What is this loss you are mentioning? You lost a woman whom complained about you prolonging the proposal, a woman who decided to listen to her friends and ignore you, the woman whom decided to not have sex with you until further down the line but jumped to another guy's dick in less than a week, the same woman whom blamed the A on you, the same woman whom told you about the A but still kept doing it until the last day, the same woman whom promised you and told you she was remorseful but still couldn't keep it in her pants in the first week of the second business trip, the same woman whom went to MC with you and said she was gonna try to work it out while screwing the guy, the same woman whom decided to tell the MC of the cheating before you, the same woman whom only confessed during the second time because you had found out, the same woman who BROKE UP with you and told you a bullsh*t story that she wanted to pursue the OM because she would have regret it, the same woman whom then wanted to get back to you because.... guess what? You are her rebound, plan B, second choice, she's stuck with you until she finds someone "better" yeah that loss...

What is this loss you are mentioning?

I suppose it's the loss of the relationship I once thought I had. But, to tell the truth, I've been grieving for that for the past two months. So maybe I'm just over it. I hope so.

P.S. Is it messed up to share near-verbatim emails from my ex-girlfriend? I mean, she is in a pretty compromised state of mind. She hurt me and was a bad partner, but she's human and obviously in pain. Is it a little cruel to be copy+pasting all her desperate emails for this forum to see?

Cruel? why do you think it is cruel? I mean both of you are/were in a relationship you have as much right to inform people as she does, just because she is "putting her heart" on these emails doesn't mean it's cruel, you are looking for opinions in here not to bash/hate-call the woman.

Is it messed up to share near-verbatim emails from my ex-girlfriend?

Not at all. This has become your place to vent, process, receive encouragement and get advice. You are simply trying to work through what you are being hit with and giving the details helps you get the best input possible.

Also, what a shitty mirror image of her breakup email to me.

This is what struck me as well - all she had to do was change the names around a bit and it was good to go.

She is in hoover from hell mode, stay strong and stick with your plan - do NOT get sucked back in.

((((toopol))))

i agree, maybe you shouldn't share her emails verbatim. so maybe you shouldn't do that anymore, or maybe you should edit what you posted. even though this is an anonymous site.

but before you feel too badly, remember, she ended your 5 year relationship with an email that was certain to break your heart with a Bcc to her lover. That's monumentally disrespectful to you. The fact that she would turn around two days later and do it to him isn't the same thing. I mean, they have what? A 14 day relationship (that includes both trips)? Not the same. She had no problem stabbing you in the heart and coldly giving him a secret copy of the crime. Not very caring or thoughtful. Not a lot of concern to the disrespect to you. After all, you're a human too.

The more I hear about her the less I'm impressed.

You could tell her, I appreciate all the compliments you've said to me. But if I'm such a great person, don't I deserve a great person too? How would you describe yourself? Personally, the number one thing on my list of requirements in another person is honesty and loyalty. I don't want to hurt you, but how do you think you rate in those departments?

I don't know. It's probably best to just go NC.

Will you see her before you leave? I think it's a great idea that you will have moved out and will be on the other side of the country with your parents by the time she returns. But that's going to be a very difficult blow for her to return and you not being there. If you want to be kind, don't just leave an empty apartment. Write your own letter to her from your heart. Tell her all of the nice things that you remember from the relationship and all the nice things you like about her. But explain that you simply can't get over this second betrayal. You might want to suggest IC so she can figure out why she would do something like this a second time. It's not as simple as an angry letter. Then wish her the best, and never speak to her again, for ages, if ever. really, the best thing is to completely move on. being pals is the worst thing you could do. make it a complete break. it's the best, for both of you.

good luck

[This message edited by mike7 at 7:48 AM, June 19th (Sunday)]

Mike, I agree that maybe posting the e-mails verbatim isn't the greatest thing.

I disagree with your other suggestions. Responding to her e-mail and asking her those questions, writing her that letter, I don't get the point of that. She fucked up. She needs to know it, not have her hand held. Toopol has ended the relationship, he did it with dignity and respect towards her. He is not responsible for helping her feel better about it. In fact, I think he would be doing her a disservice by trying to minimize or cloud it with reminders that "not everything was bad." And it will likely send mixed messages to a woman who is clearly already very mixed up.

Write your own letter to her from your heart. Tell her all of the nice things that you remember from the relationship and all the nice things you like about her. But explain that you simply can't get over this second betrayal.

I cannot tell you how strongly I disagree with this advice.

The fastest way through your pain is to NC as much as possible. She is going to interpret ANY window into your feelings as an invitation to keep working on you, to keep up her hoovering, to do 'anything' to get you back.

You are not available to be gotten back. Period. The. End.

Actions speak louder than words. You owe her nothing. NOTHING.

((((toopol))))

that's fine if you disagree. personally, after I get over the anger, I take a step back and try to do the right thing. He's lived with her and had a relationship for five years. I'm not certain, but I don't think it's been a horrible five years. Showing kindness is not a weakness.

Note, I am not suggesting he forgive her and continue with the relationship. I'm absolutely one hundred percent against that. So, if he can't be kind without being drawn in, then he needs to move on silently. As for me, I wouldn't be swayed by her pleas. So showing kindness is what I would do.

the real question is, is it kindness to do that? Or is it better to just go dark? the letter would have to be unequivocal and final.

i don't know. figure out what you think is best Toopol. Be true to yourself. But definitely be done.

[This message edited by mike7 at 8:12 AM, June 19th (Sunday)]

P.S. Is it messed up to share near-verbatim emails from my ex-girlfriend? I mean, she is in a pretty compromised state of mind. She hurt me and was a bad partner, but she's human and obviously in pain. Is it a little cruel to be copy+pasting all her desperate emails for this forum to see?

Considering that she BBC's her lover on a break-up letter to you...no, I don't think it's the least bit evil.

With all of her love bombing I would be weary of leaving a message that rehashed the good times, her good qualities, or any messaging that stated... Your are a wonderful person I'll miss you and.... At this stage in the break-up she still thinks she has a chance so this kind of messaging is going to lead her on and send mixed messages. In turn it will drag out what is already destine to be a difficult break-up for both of you.

The smart thing would be to act detached. Keep things to logistics and need to know... I'm taking my name off of the electricity as of Aug. 1 it's up to you to pay....

I guess what I'm saying is that detach would be kinder in the long run than to keep cushioning the blow by being kind and thoughtful.

you're starting to convince me... on the one hand, she broke up with him and he accepted that is was over. so now she's changed her mind, but he has repeatedly told her that's is over and final. it may indeed be best to just stop communicating. particularly if there's a possibility he could get sucked back in. hmmm.

toopol - in the end, whether you leave like a thief in the night, it doesn't really matter. she broke up. you accepted. you've repeatedly told her it's over and to stop trying to communicate. so, i don't think it would be such a bad thing to let her return to an empty apartment. you've told her. she will realize you meant it.

I agree that the "break up" email she sent him was pretty much a carbon of what she sent you.

She has serious buyers remorse. Unfortunately the what she bought from him she can never return.

And she threw away her life for two flings with a bellboy.

So selfish to expect you to forget the disrespect. This isn't Literotica. This is real.

Toopol, I am sad and happy for you. You will find a woman worthy of your gifts. Love, honor, and commitment

Please keep us posted, it helps others learn and grow.

On this Fathers day, you have made yours proud with your attitude and behavior. Highroad is the best, and you have.

Best wishes

toopol,

Regarding the latest email she sent to you both, I just wanted to point out that 99% of it was about her. "I need." "I want." It's all about her, and not about respecting you and your choices. That very selfish viewpoint is what allowed her to cheat on you again and again. She had a rough time? Feed the ego and have sex with Bellboy. She was unsure? Have sex with Bellboy.

Now, using a personal example by way of contrast, after DDay my wife told me that while she absolutely doesn't want it, she'd be willing to separate and divorce if I determined that her affair is a deal breaker and I need to divorce in order to heal. It would devastate her, but she won't fight it because she is putting my needs first. And that is after 25+ years together and 5 kids. You have a ex gf who is all about what she wants and is not considering what you need to heal.

Of course, all of what she wrote is just words. And of course you should be thrilled that Herpes Girl realized that her prospects are slim so she now finally realizes that it's you she's wanted all along! Aren't you lucky?

Run toopol, run.

Writing her an email telling her fond memories will just support her idea that she has a chance. She writes an email (what on earth is with her and cc'ing?!) Saying she'll never give up hope, 100 thinga she loves about you - yeah definitely don't send her an email about all the things *you* enjoyed.

You asked her to stop emailing you, go NC and be done. You have been far kinder than most people up to this point, you don't need to further prove that. You don't need her approval.

As far as whether to share emails - I think it's useful to get feedback/outside perspective on communications after infidelity. It helps you see tactics that others on here have seen over and over again. Whether you do that verbatim or not is up to you.

Glad you're going to is it friends and family.

Write a letter to her and state that you want her to stop contacting you and if she continues to do so, you will consider it as harassment and will pursue whatever legal actions are available to you. Then mail it certified.

Second, forward the other man breakup email and forward it to her parents, and tell the parents that their daughter has cheated on you twice, you have broken off with her, and she is now harassing you, and please get her to stop before you must take legal actions.

That should do it.

Also, if it were me, I'm pretty sure not for you, but for me, I would send other man the email to let him know that you got a chance to read her special breakup message, and you know she did the same to you. Tell him just in case she wants him back, he should know what type of person she is.

I think you may need to keep remembering this:

she admitted to meeting up with him. I asked her about sex, and she said "not every time".

and this:

I later found out that my girlfriend had BCCed him on her breakup email to me

Print out those statements, and a copy of that breakup email to you copied to the other man, on your refrigerator until this sets in completely.

You want someone here to keep you honest? You seem like you want her back from how you post here. People who are "done" stop lingering on it. Given the length of the relationship, I understand it. At the same time, you are vulnerable and she is not safe. Either you can wait for her to fix herself, which may be never, or you can cut this off cold and move on fresh. Or you can let it linger. So far you are on the let it linger path.

Toopol,

Honesty, I don't think sharing her emails with us is cruel since none of us really know her. If I saw her today somewhere I would have no clue who she is. But this guy on the other hand knows you (to some degree) and not only that but she shared a very personal moment that should have been between the two of you with him. She alowed him to experience pleasure (at least she thought) at the expense of your pain. That is cruel and nieave. I wonder if that sort of seemed cruel to him that's why he let you know she sent it. Who knows.

I agree for now NC will help you both move on faster anything else would lead to false hopes. Perhaps even weaken your stance.

Its very understandable that you are worrying about her but her actions up until this last trip has gone without the consequence that she needs to learn and grow. In the end this experience will show her that bad choices that hurt others can adversely affect the way she is viewed as a friend and cause unnecessary pain to her relationship.

Good Luck to you Keep posting. You are doing fine.

Today I woke up to a message from my parents. Apparently she sent them a long text asking to talk to them about a second chance at winning me back, complete with all the promises she's been making for me. They forwarded it to me and said they wouldn't respond unless I wanted them to.

Also, I just got a response email from the other guy. I don't feel so guilty about posting his stuff:

Dear [ex-girlfriend],

Thank you so much for ALL what you did.

Mr. [toopol]... I want to let you know that [ex-girlfriend] love you so much ... I can tell you that i am sure she love you and only you.

I wish a happy life for both of you.

[other guy].

I'll leave the analysis to you fine folks. I gotta go meet some friends on the beach right now!

Yes both ow1 and ow2 reassured me my husband loved me so much as well, because y'know, they know him so well and all that

It's so kind when the AP want to help the relationship