SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Amazing:

Have as good a flight as you possibly can. May the Frequent Flyer God bless you with an upgrade. May all you luggage be first on the belt, and all in a row.

Haha! Yes to all these things! Is it wrong I am tossing a hotel wash cloth in my purse for a cry/snot rag on this long plane ride? I know i'l be a mess. My seat mate has no idea what's coming...poor thing.

Thank you for the reminder of gas lighting. I'll be cutting all that shit off with my current favorite phrase, "Sayonara, mother fucker." Click. Who's gas lighting whom?

TOC - I remember that feeling, waiting to drop that bomb on my ex. I couldn't sleep, I could barely eat. I could think of nothing else all day, felt sicker and sicker til the therapy appointment. Walking up those steps,I swore my knees were going to give out on me and I'd just fall.

Starting to tell him was the hardest thing I've done. But I stuck to the 'script' (not listening to any more lies, no more gaslighting, I was done and he wasn't going to step foot in my house again). I just kept repeating the plan - he had to leave, I was done.

If I can do this, so can you! Stick to your guns. Don't let him haze over what he's done. And while it's hard as hell, try to stay focused on your message. Not on the emotions he will try like hell to bring up in you.

I collapsed after I told him, and he walked out. I laid on the therapist's couch, in a ball, sobbing so hard I couldn't speak. But I got through it. And I've stuck to it. And though I feel numb most days, completely disassociated others, what I DO have is freedom. From being manipulated, from being hurt by the one closest to me. And that's worth everything right now, while I find all the pieces that were once me and pull them all back together.

I'm with you in spirit tomorrow (today).

And ya know, you could change your mind 6 months from now if he moves heaven and earth for you. But he won't know you mean business, if you don't move them for yourself first.

Sending you all the strength and love I have for your most brave moment, girl. <3

I don't remember who's name the phones are in, but take pictures or download the call logs while you still have access. You'll probably need them.

You got this, you are prepared, you have thought through the options, and will be dealing from a strong position you created for yourself.

Of course it hurts, and we are all sorry you have to go through it. But you are doing really, really well.

On the "sucks to be him" side, it seems very likely based on the lack of texts from him to AP as he departed that he really did end it. He will never feel the betrayal you felt, but if he is sitting in his plane seat now feeling great to have put that behind him without you knowing, he definitely has a major stomach upheaval approaching him at a high rate of speed.

Safe travels, both in the air and through this to the other side!

First of all, you're my new hero.

Secondly, I kind of agree with the others that their texting/calling activity had diminished because they were spending more time together while you were gone.

But you can be sure that errant text he sent you last week that was meant for his side piece put the fear of God into him. And your somewhat erratic behavior after that text (ignoring him for hours and then being nice and making plans to meet in London, etc.) really threw him off his feed, without a doubt.

The point I'm making is he's scared at this point. He knows something ain't right so he's either cooled things down with his OW and told her to stay in a holding pattern until the heat dies down, or he's dumped her outright and cut off contact with her.

The other option is that they've just found a different way to communicate. After all, it was regular texting that got him INTO this mess, right? Hell, it only has to happen once to show him how close he came to getting caught (little does he know it DID get him caught). So it's possible they're now using one of the many texting/calling/chatting apps for your phone that use WiFi and not your carrier's texting or calling features. This allows anonymity for them because it leaves no trace on your cell phone bill so you can't see if they've been in touch.

Those are the two more likely scenarios for why the contact has suddenly appeared to have died.

At this point, that's kind of like trying to close the barn door after all the animals go out.

Sure sucks to be him.

Hi TOC,

I don't know if you will get this in time as you are probably still in the air.....

Have you thought of the possibility that he is at home waiting for you?

Why?

Because he ALREADY knows that YOU know...

Why?

Here's my thoughts;

He knows he sent the message to the wrong person, now at the time he will have believed that you hadn't seen it, convinced himself the he was clever and quicker than you, but I don't think that will have lasted long. I think you inadvertently threw a few red flags at him and over the past week they may well have been shouting at him (and I know I may be making quite a few assumptions here);

No sex night before trip - is this usual for you two?

You were "blue" and thinking about your meetings the day you left - again is this usual? The "blue" and the emotionless hug you gave him as you left may have seemed very strange to him especially in light of how excited you may usually be about work trips.

No contact after you left - by what you have said this was very unusual for you. you had time to talk to a work colleague but not text or talk to your husband - to someone who is feeling a bit uneasy this may be a huge warning light.

Your first text didn't say sorry - again something you admitted was unusual.

Your contact with him has been matter of fact, no love you's no missing you's etc - but he would notice this as, as you have said, you always say them...

I don't know your usual level of communication during your previous trips but, just guessing from your posts that you are a very loving, caring and strong person, and my guess would be that there would usually be a fair bit of contact between you - again the lack of this may well strike him as strange.

The abrupt change in itinerary, you strike me as very organised and competent, yet you didn't arrange the London Hotel?

Now I may be way off base here, but if i am right and he knows you know, what does that mean?

It means that he has his answers ready.....

I think one of three things will happen

Admit all. Throw himself on the mercy of the court. I can't help you here, I have never experienced this....

Minimize. Bluff, bluster and bullshit until he knows the extent of what you know and then admit to only what is impossible to deny.

Complete denial. Heres what my WW would have said;

" The "in you" text? of course that was meant for you, I got the idea from blah blah but when you didnt answer I thought I'd upset/disgusted you so I rushed home and I thought you hadn't seen it and then I had second thoughts of the innapropriatness of it so I deleted it to save us both the embarrassment"

"That number I've been contacting? a friend of a friend/new work colleague/someone who is going through a nasty divorce/terrible time/blah and as I have been through it myself, hell we both have, i thought I could help him"

"The IT text? I don't know, it was from who? Oh wait, yeah it was asking about the ballgame/betting run/christmas/holiday gift for you"

However it all turns out, I hope you get what you need. I wish you the best.

Oh, sweet lady. Huge hugs and strength to you. Yes, you are amazing, but your pain is so very palpable. Always remember that you have one hell of a support system - here on SI and IRL.

Have you thought of the possibility that he is at home waiting for you?

Easy enough to find out...can you check with a friend or neighbor who has access to your house?

I do agree he knows something is up, but only you know how intuitive he is. IMHO, I think he thinks you're overworked and stressed to the max.

I'll be thinking of you and sending lots of mojo. You're going to be okay.

Huge hugs,

Lala

[This message edited by Lalagirl at 7:16 AM, September 21st (Wednesday)]

AlwaysOnEdge -- I really don't think the guy is that smart. I certainly hope not. He has probably dumped the OW thinking he got away with it and is on his way to (what he thinks) is a wonderful 2 weeks with his wife. During this time he plans to be the most perfect, loving husband and doing everything in his power to make her think she is the most wonderful thing since sliced bread. I do hope that TOC will read your post before she confronts him, though. Forewarned is forearmed.

TOC, I just want to join the long list of admirers you have here on SI. Your pain is obvious and I don't envy you the next few days but I am in your corner no matter how this all plays out.

My your WH never, ever underestimate you again!

TOC,

Welcome home. From your very first post, many of us relived that terrible, crushing, punch to the gut. You described it well, as you describe your feelings now as you prepare for the confrontation. I know how the adrenaline will be pulsing through you. Your heartbreak, your anger and your fear.m we are with you in spirit.

I have imagined many many different scenarios as to how I should have confronted my WH. When I did, I was calm and gentle (not so much after I found out about the length of his A lol), and I believe as a result, the truth spilled out immediately.

Remember, cheaters lie to themselves as well and it is very difficult to admit to their betrayal. They tell themselves all kinds of things to justify their horrible behaviour, just to be able to live with themselves.

My point is to suggest to you that if you confront in anger, you may set off a reaction of self defence. If you confront as a friend, you may get the truth. And you will keep the upper hand. Of course staying calm will take everything you have, but it will deliver the shock and awe more successfully.

Without a doubt, you have every justification to be furious, but I suggest you save that.....for now. You must protect yourself first and play your cards correctly.

Consider how he will react to "Sayonare mother fucker".....or......"I believed that you had more respect for me than to lie, but now you are free to be with your lover".

I think the latter will scare the shit out of him. It did for my WH.

If divorce proceedings are to follow, people can get mean when cornered. Play the game to protect yourself.

Gentle hugs. You go Girl!

Thinking of you today. Sending you strength and positive vibes. Keep us posted!!

Think you should be landing about now -- you can do this!

We are all thinking of you today. You are capeable and powerful. Stand firm, keep us posted!

I've been following your posts since the beginning. I so admire your strength and determination. Sending you a big cyber hug and peace with your decision.

Fantastic observations and concerns for TOC there Always! Well Done!

[This message edited by ChangingChump at 11:29 AM, September 21st (Wednesday)]

Thinking of you and hoping it's going okay. You thread is one of the 7 wonders of the world..it has been so inspiring to read :)

Sending you strength. Hang in there. Please keep us posted, all of your fans are waiting for details. Hugs!

You are an inspiration to so many on here, including myself. I think we all strive to have the courage and strength that you have.

You are about to have one of the toughest moments thus far. We are here with you and for you. We are all cheering for you today

Sending {{{{hugs}}}} and strength your way for today and always.

This too shall pass.

TOC, hope your flight gave you an opportunity to breath and gain strength for today. Good luck today.

It is done. On to connecting flight. Two hearts are broken. More later.

PS. Done from bathroom stall in JFK. How fitting.